Rick Doder
Update if necessary. Last update: May 28, 2005
This web page was created because
mates of pornography addicts have written to me before asking for help in trying
to understand what is happening and how they could help their
boyfriends/fiancés/husbands. Below are a
frequent comment and a frequently asked question, and my responses to them. I hope this is helpful!
Comment:
When my mate uses pornography, I feel I am not attractive enough for him in
comparison to the women in pornography.
Before addressing this comment, one
should understand the Coolidge Effect and the human condition of craving.
The Coolidge Effect: A technical
definition of the Coolidge Effect: "A sexual and behavioral response
pattern in which the introduction of a new sex partner to a male or female who
has become sexually unresponsive restores that animal's interest in mating more
quickly than the continued presence of the first partner... The Coolidge effect has been demonstrated by
experiments with mice, rats, guinea pigs, dairy bulls, water buffaloes, sheep,
swine, boars, and cats, and, in folklore, in human beings."
The Coolidge Effect is a result of
evolution because such a response lead to an individual having more offspring
with different individuals, and that increases the chance of successful
survival of offspring. Men and women
naturally become less sexually enthusiastic with their spouses over time, and
the difference is only in degrees between different individuals. What we do
with our urges is what matters. The
Coolidge Effect does not mean that sex between mates have to be less satisfying
over time. Besides lust, there is also
(or there should also be) love and respect, in placing high value in each
other’s worth as an individual, and to be mindful of and accommodating for each
other’s wishes.
With regards to the original comment
above, that is a natural response. If I
were to have a girlfriend/fiancée/wife that looks at naked men online, I would
feel insecure, jealous, upset and unhappy too.
However, keep in mind that unlike real-life affairs or cheating with
other real-life women or prostitutes, use of pornography is more about fantasies
and sexual gratification by enjoying the sights and sounds of different women
while masturbating, and less about emotional attachment to other real-life
women and leaving one’s relationship/marriage/family. Personally, I think use of pornography is not
the same as real-life cheating, and use of pornography is not an indicator that
a man is more likely to cheat. For
example, I know that my Dad has used pornography before, and he is a family man
who has never and will never cheat on my Mom.
I think use of pornography can just mean that a man is a sexual person
who enjoys what comes naturally (see above about the Coolidge Effect).
In terms of feeling inferior to the
women who appear on pornography, I think no one needs to feel that way. Even if you were the most beautiful and
attractive woman in the world, the Coolidge Effect and the human condition of
craving (please see my previous web page about the human condition of craving)
guarantees that you will not be as appealing to him as the many women who
appear in pornography. The appeal of
pornography is not necessarily the beauty of the women, but the variety of the
women. No one woman can be as appealing
as the many women and the novel sight and sound stimuli that pornography
offers. So there is no need to feel
inferior because even a supermodel cannot compete with pornography if she were
with someone addicted to pornography. As
a pornography user, I can tell you what happens with an addict’s attraction to
pornography. Initially, I would see a
video clip/film/magazine that I like, and I would download/rent/buy it. The first time that I watch it, I would enjoy
masturbating to it very much. After that
first time, my interest in the same item decreases dramatically. I would only watch it a few times more, if at
all. I would then go looking for new
pornography that I can masturbate to. So
beauty is not the object of pornography, serial variety is, and so there is no
need to feel inferior or unattractive.
Even in a relationship, I think it is normal for people masturbate
and/or use pornography, and that does not necessarily mean that they find their
mates unattractive. Use of pornography
can have little or nothing to do with one’s attraction to one’s mate.
As for comparing oneself with the
people in pornography or people in general, that is a source of suffering and
biased, negative thinking that we do to ourselves. Why only compare ourselves with people who
are more attractive? Why not compare
ourselves with people who are less attractive?
A myth is that all people depicted in pornography are attractive. That is not the case. For sure, most people who appear in
pornography are there because they are attractive, but pornography does not
make one feel insecure; OUR OWN THINKING makes ourselves feel insecure. Even if one’s mate does not use pornography,
he could still masturbate while fantasizing about a movie star or a female
neighbor or co-worker. If one has to
compare oneself with others, then that is something that one does to oneself to
make oneself suffer because the comparisons are endless (there are always
people more attractive or richer or “better” than us in some way), and no one
has to or should do that. We are who we
are. To some extent, accept who we
are. No one is perfect. He is still in a relationship with you, is he
not? He must like or love you enough to
stay with you. Ideally, everyone wants
their mates to think they are the sexiest and most desirable person in the
world, but that is also being ignorant of the cycle of craving. If your mate thinks you are the best, then
you would possess that, and then you would want something else from him. Realize that this suffering, from wanting to
be the only desirable woman in the world to your mate but not getting it, is
the result of the mind wanting something that would not satisfy for long even
if you have it or get it. Knowing this,
you have the first step to change your mind and reduce or stop suffering.
Q: What
can I do to help him?
The first step to change is that he
wants to change for himself. No one else can help him or force him to change if
he does not want to change. If he truly wants to change, then you have little
to worry about, but it takes a lot of time.
Even if he wants to stop, he probably cannot control himself because
this is an addiction. It requires a lot of time to change,
that is if one could change or want to change at all. Be ready to ask
yourself if you can accept reduced use instead of total quitting, even in the
long term. If he tries to reduce use or quit, that is a good sign.
If he really wants to reduce use
(which is the first thing to do; one cannot stop this right away), I suggest
that he reads my web pages or look for other resources of knowledge and
personal support online. Individual
and/or couple counseling might help, though I do not know how well that would
work because I have not tried it myself.
I eliminated pornography addiction from my life by trial-and-error, by
trying different methods, and by reading Buddhist books and learning about the
nature of the mind and its cravings.
Keeping super-busy with activities and engagements would help to
naturally keep oneself away from pornography without feeling the withdrawal
symptoms too much because one is too busy to notice them. Having the computer in a public place at home
also helps. Accentuating the positive
things in one's thinking would help one to prevent depression, and that helps
to prevent pornography usage because using pornography can serve as a way to
relieve depression for awhile. Getting enough sleep also improves mood and
prevent depression.
Also, you should both discuss what
each of you want or is able to do, and reach some compromises. Can you be happy
with him cutting down usage to start with and/or for the long term? What can he
do for now and in the future? Can he quit altogether? Will he try? Does he even
want to? Some questions are only
answerable with time, but willingness and efforts to change and accommodate
from both sides are good signs.
I can promise you that if your
relationship with your mate is positive and happy for both of you on at least
the interpersonal and emotional level, if not sexually, then you have little to
worry about because the emotional connection and the life that you share with
your mate is or should be more important to him than pornography. As often is the case though, we do not know
what we have until it is gone. Ask him
to consider what is more important to him between pornography and your
relationship and/or your family.
In the end, what is happening
between you and your mate requires discussion and compromises. It would be good
if both of you can adjust and adapt, even if just a little bit, to meet each
other's needs and wishes. I think calm discussions at home would help. Keep in mind that this is a sensitive topic
for him and probably a source of guilt or shame, and he might understandably
try to avoid the subject. Try to be
understanding and sensitive and not be accusatory in your approach. If he is willing to try to change and/or go
to therapy, then that is a good sign.
Both individuals could try to put the relationship first ahead of one’s
own wishes and desires. Sit down to
talk, hear each other out, understand what is going on with each other and what
each other wants, and then work out some compromises. Good luck!