Let us now praise OwneyBaloney, who yesterday, while a lad of thirteen tender years, in a trial both bloody and painful, earned the right to hunt with the men of the tribe, to sit at the big table at holiday meals, to stand among famous names � Crane, American Standard, Suzi Creamcheese 555-6660 � shoulder to shoulder with other men of the village at the trough in stadium men's rooms worldwide, where the gaze must at all times stay within the perimeter (extended) of one's shoulders' width or above shoulder level.

We are here, Owney, to commemorate and celebrate an event both grievous and momentous in your young life. You have gone through the blood ritual and have been found to be worthy, so we welcome you to our venerable company. Today, my son, you are a man.

The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but I'll bet a good goddamn that you'll never forget the first time you zipped yourself into your fly.

To learn more about zippers, visit your local library or click here.