THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN.
     
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.  I
banged her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if
you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.  The only babes in D.C.
I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs
that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
 
      Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for
the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
 
      So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office.  Got it? Good.
 
      Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know
I was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which
turned out  to be a good move on your part.  Your other choice was
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the
White House.  Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the
same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who
brought you a 17% prime interest a rate, smiling the whole time like
his lithium drip had just kicked in.  Nixon before that coined, but
never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and
almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style
of governing.  Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose
major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
 
      And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang
around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I
have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is
doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for the first time since
JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to
care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can
get a job as a night-watchman.  And the stock market is higher than a
D-student on a full gram of dummy dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder
the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her
next meal is coming from.
 
      Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing.  What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it.  In the meantime, think about where you
are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too
interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.