DEC. 14, 1998
My dearest darling John:
    
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a pear 
tree?  How can i ever express my pleasure?  Thank you a hundred times for 
thinking of me this way.  

           My love always,
             Agnes
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DEC. 15, 1998

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves.
I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. There just adorable.

                    All my love,
                     Agnes
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DEC.16, 1998

Dear John:
Oh!  Aren't you the extravagent one.  Now I must protest.  I don't deserve such 
generosity, three french hens.  They are just darling but I must insist, you've
been too kind.

           All my love 
             Agnes
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DEC 17, 1998

Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds.  Now really, they are beautiful,
but don't you think enough is enough.  You are being too romantic.

               Affectionately,
                Agnes
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DEC 18, 1998

Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every 
finger.  Your just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking
were begining to get on my nerves!  

            All my love,
              Agnes
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DEC 19, 1998

Dear John,
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front 
steps.  So you are back to the birds again,huh?  These geese are huge! Where 
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through 
the racket.  PLease stop!
             
                Cordially,
                   Agnes
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DEC 20, 1998

John,
What's with you and those freaking birds??  Seven swans a swimming. What kind of
damn joke is this? Theres bird poop all over the house and they never stop the 
racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck!  It's not funny so stop
those freaking birds!

         Sincerely,
            Agnes
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DEC 21, 1998

O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a 
milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but 
they had to bring their damn cows!  There is manure all over the lawn and I can't
move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smart ass.

    Agnes
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DEC 22, 1998

Hey shit head,
What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there are nine pipers playing. And 
christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got 
here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and there stepping all over 
those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The neighbors have started a 
petition to evict me.

    You'll get yours!
         Agnes
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DEC 23, 1998

You rotten prick,

Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. 
They've been balling thoes pipers all night long.  Now the cows can't sleep and 
they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of 
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give a cause why the building shouldn't be 
condemmed.  

   I'm calling the police on you!
                Agnes
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DEC 24, 1998

Listen fuck head,
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of 
those broads will never  walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and 
have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead! They 
have been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten 
vicious swine.

  Your sworn enemy,
   Agnes
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DEC 25, 1998

Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your  latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you 
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction,
of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If you 
should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, The 
attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight! With this letter please 
find attached a warrent for your arrest.  


Cordially,
  Law Offices of Badger Bender and Chole