From an edition of the Washington Post
A contest was held in which readers were askedto come up with excuses to miss
a day of work.

1.  If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work.
    The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
 
2.  When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. 
    I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
 
3.  I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and
    the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of
    space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
    I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
    power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
    rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.  Accordingly, I will be 
    in late, or early.

4.  My stigmata's acting up.
 
5.  I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
    previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.  OK?

6.  I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy,
    but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7.  I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

8.  Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, 
    hey, how about them Hoyas, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, 
    could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but
    thank you for calling.

9.  Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
 
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
    I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain
    false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. 
    He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am
    startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead
    and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
    give her eternal peace.  One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15.  I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
 
16.  I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house 
     is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter 
     transportation.
 
17.  I prefer to remain an enigma.