The size of the pepper mill is inversely proportional to the quality of the food in the restaurant.

The more holiday ensembles a woman owns (e.g., Halloween sweatshirt with matching ghost earrings), the more likely she is to wear them on her bingo night.

The greater the number of multiple personalities you have, the greater chance that one of the irresponsible ones won't pull his weight with the household chores.

The older the boy, the more he shoves filthy clothes back into his dresser.
The older the girl, the more she tosses perfectly clean clothes into the hamper.

The better-looking the prostitute, the better the chance that she's a he --
Not that I would know or anything.

The Newscasters' Circular Analogy Theory: A news reporter will describe an area devastated by a natural disaster as "looking like a war zone."
That same reporter will describe a war-torn area as "looking like a tornado or hurricane hit."

The Crenelation Theory of Bad Luck: Whenever you step in dog poo, you're sure to be wearing waffle-soled shoes.

The way to make sure someone will answer the phone when you're calling is to take a huge bite of cheesecake.

The higher the hairdo, the louder the gum.

The smaller the breasts, the more intelligent, sexy and exciting the woman.
(Please see that this theory gets the widespread recognition it deserves.)

The School Bake Sale Theory: The older the child, the more likely the mother will send Entenmann's. The younger the child, the more likely he is to bring in an impressive homemade coconut and truffle three-layer cake in the shape of a Teletubby.

The more often you hear the recorded words "Your call is important to us," the less it is true.

When attempting to turn off a lamp that has a three-way bulb, you always misjudge which setting it is on and end up making the room brighter.

The number of potholes is proportional to the temperature of the cappucino in your lap.