Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q: Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
A: Because they fought like animals and retained water for four
days.
Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What's a wife?
A: It's an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework
done.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
A: Because you've got all day to find something better!
Q: Is sex dirty?
A: Only if done correctly.
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Q: "How far to the overies?" asked the sperm.
A: "Relax, we've just passed the tonsils"
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs..
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes
Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. $3.00 a minute
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. the tightness of your grip
Q. How are women and rocks alike?
A. You skip the flat ones
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q. What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A. It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q. How do we know God is a man?
A. Because if God were a woman, semen would taste like
chocolate.
Q. What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A. Well-hung
Q. What's another term for lesbian?
A. "Vagitarian."
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow
Q: How do you know if a man likes you?
A: He screws you two nights in a row.
Q: What do men do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a man?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the man is easier to turn on.
Q: What disease paralyzes men below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: Why did God give men bigger brains then dogs?
A: So he wouldn't hump your leg in public.
Q: What do a gynecologist and pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
Q: Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A: Some dick cut her off.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: by the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you
have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end
you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
A: Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim are already in
America.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do you call a dog with 4 inch legs and 6 inch balls?
A: Sparky.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's
dreams every night?
A: Hanson.
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Q: What food describes most men?
A: Jerky.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this
very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: How is a man like a used car?
A: Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is
handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for
many men?
A: No phone numbers..
Q: What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A: A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the
whole chicken.
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the
couch.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a tampax and ask him which period it came from.
Previous Joke***Main Joke Page***
Next Joke