The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
If, a two letter word for futility.
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted Telepath: you know where to apply.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... dead ones
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
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