"Thumbless Joe"

Author's Email: [email protected]
About "Thumbless Joe": In High School, I participated in Speech as a school activity. During which, I wrote three Creative Expression speeches. I'm quite proud of all three and have decided to post each one on the website. "Thumbless Joe" was my first creative expression piece I performed. During its first run, it was five minutes long. It has since been expanded to a competitive length. When performed, the speech clocks in at around eight minutes.

            Blarney: “We’ve learned a lot, haven’t we kids?  Learned that you may love others, but they certainly won’t love you back.  And how the Easter bunny was tested for rabies.  Now, it’s time for the ending theme song.  I love you...”

            Host:  “(singing along)  He played one... he played knick knack... on.. his... thumb.  Oh, OH!  That was Blarney, the Dinosaur.  And, speaking of thumbs, we have a rant coming up like no other.  You kids have seen the those funny warning stickers.  Now, here’s that funny man, after these commercials.  Kids, you may want to get mommy and daddy’s wallets from their room as we show you all the wonderful and shameless toy commercials.  And don’t worry, we have many cartoons coming right up after this.”

            Intro:  Cartoon violence, where maiming is funny... well, they made someone laugh, at sometime.  Giant warning stickers with the cartoon man getting his arm chopped off in some extravagant way!  More cartoon antics right... wrong...  Everyday, we are confronted with danger.  May it be nail guns, band saws, giant industrial sized lawn mowers, snow blowers, leaf blowers, chain saws, weed whackers, tree cutters, garage doors, fire crackers, 5 gallon buckets, semi-trucks, um... cheese, death rays, and scissors of mass destruction.  All of these could be very hazardous to our health.  But, at least they, who ever they are, put those very graphic and very large warning stickers on almost everything that‘s bigger than a Tonka toy truck..  You know, the bright yellow ones with the featureless man getting injured.  He needs to tell the youth of America his pain, his story, his problems, because he is “Thumb-less Joe.”

            Host:  “Welcome to the show.  Hello, my name is Johnny Goodfellow, and you’re on PBS.  Why don’t you tell your name for the audience and why you are here.”

            Joe:  “Oh, okay, my name is Joe.  Joe Trouble.”

            Host:  “Trouble, eh... you can say that again!  Well, thanks for coming Joe.  Come, why don’t you just sit down right there.  Brunus, a chair.”

            Giant stage hand, Brunus:  “mmmmmmm“  (brings chair over, Joe looks in fear)

            Host:  “Look at that!  Brunus wants to give you not just a chair, but a hug, too.”

            Joe: “No!  No!  ...  That’s okay.  I think it would better if I just stand here.  And you stand there!  I must say it was very hard getting in here, with the door knobs and all.”

            Host:  “Oh... why is that?”

            Joe: “Well, as you can see, I’m kind of missing... uh... both of my thumbs, from posing for that awful, awful lawn mower sticker.”

            Host:  “Ha ha ha ha.. I saw David Copperfield do the same thing.  Moving on, AOL has expanded to foreign markets, thus creating Mexico Online and Canada Online.”

            Joe:  “What!  No!  This is... real... see, 1...2...3...4...”

            Host:  “oh...  Oh!  Oh... well, I feel the pain... sorry man, I just didn’t realize.”

            Joe: “Oh, don’t worry.  I’ve heard them all.  Like ‘Hey Joe!  I heard you gave that movie two thumbs up.  Oh, wait, no you didn’t,’ when people try to imitate me hitchhiking (act like a car is in the distance, and goes by) ‘It’s because I’m thumb-less, isn’t it!’ and the most common one, ‘Yo!  Joe!’  Stupid G.I. Joe’s.”

            Host:  “Sounds like your job sucks, like the greeting job at Wal-mart.  Or eating off of Target’s floor.”

            Joe:  “That’s a job?”

            Host:  “Well, that’s what they told me.  Don’t worry, three years later I was fired.  But this isn’t about me, it’s about you.  Why do you still work for this job?”

            Joe:  “Well, it’s like a family tradition.  Everyone in my family does some sort of model work for company stickers.  My uncle, for instance, works for the Poison Control centers, and is better known as Mr. Yuck.  You know, he looks like this (makes a yuck face.)  He is a very sickly man; take my word.  But, he is the only one of us that can spray paint in an enclosed room.  He can coat something five or six times, and nothing happens.”

            Host:  “Well, that’s fascinating.”

            Joe:  “Yes, anyway.  Like I was saying, I need everyone to act safer, because this is a family tradition that, like many boring family functions, I can’t escape from.  It’ll cost me an arm and a leg if I have to keep making stickers at this pace!  The only benefit I get from my job is free medical coverage!  The minimal wage doesn’t help my financial situations, either.  My family is helping with the bills, by working for the same company!  There’s my wife, who sadly couldn’t be here.  She was posing for a folding table sticker.  I think she may be having back problems tonight.  Luckily, one of my family members was able to make it.  Everyone, meet my son Justin, Justin Trouble.”

            Host: “You can say that again!”

            Joe:  “... ‘k, well he’s Justin Trouble, and he posed for the 5 gallon bucket sticker.  He almost drowned in it!  That’s why people just need to watch their children around buckets with water in it.  My son was traumatized by it... possibly for life.”

            Child:  “Daddy I don’t like buckets anymore!”

            Joe:  “And then there’s Oddy, Sparks, and Lefty.  All of them… victims to the system!  Please help my children and me get out of this career.  We need the audience to be safe.  If they’re safe, then stickers are not needed.  Plus, people need to realize that there is a lot of people power that goes into these warnings.  To show some of the man power, I have brought a video, showing everyone the pain staking work that goes into these little stickers.”

            Host: “Oh, well, please, go right on ahead.  Brunus!  Retrieve the tape.”

            Joe:  “No!  That’s okay.  Just... stay away from me!  I can get it.”

            (attempt to place video in VCR)

            (“shhshshshshshshshshshs”)

            Photographer:  “Okay, people.  Okay, we need to get this one right!  Trouble! Joe Trouble where are you?  Oh, oh, oh okay.  Now you, bring over the lawn mower.  Okay... okay... just bring it over... now... turn it on... just turn it on... just turn it on... just turn it on...  oh, okay.  (holds up camera)  Now Joe Trouble,  stick your hands under there.  Eugh!  Got it!”

            (“shhshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshs”)

            Photographer:  “Okay, now people!  Okay... now bring over the scissors of mass destruction!  Okay now Trouble, where are... oh, okay.  You just stand right there... and you, get his arm!  (“thud”)  Oh... you know what...  I had the lens cap on.  Silly me, we’ll need to do it again!”

            (“shhshshshshshshshshshshshshshshs”)

            Host:  “I know what that feels like.”

            Joe: “What!  No you don’t!  That tape is just a sample of what I do.  All this pain goes into these stickers so people can keep from hurting themsel—(whack) Ow!  The boom mic just smacked me in the head!  Who did...?  You!  Why don’t you be more careful.  See, this is what I’m talking about.  You viewers just saw that.  And, look.  There was a sticker plainly label on the mic itself!  Look.  You see!  Right there.”

            Boom Mic Guy:  “Uuuuhhhh, where?”

            Joe: “Right there!”  (points at it)

            (turn boom mic)

            Boom Mic Guy:  “Whoa, there is a sticker.  And he looks like you!”

            Joe:  “It is me!  Oh, I remember posing for that one!  The people in this world are out to get me, that‘s it!  You, Johnny, and the giant over there!  You are all out to watch me suffer!   I know it!  You all want to watch me suffer.  Oh, let’s pick on the thumb-less guy!  Oh, he doesn’t need a thumb!  Oh, he doesn’t need a head.”

            Host:  “Wow, I feel the pain.”

            Joe:  “No you don’t!  Ahhhh!!!  Why did I even bother to come here!  It’s just what happened at that other station...  (exasperated and breathing heavily, then just stops)  Sigh...  I guess I’ll just have to go onto the WB... they’ll show anything on the WB...” (walks off to the side)

            Host:  “And that was Joe Trouble.  In the end, is humanity really safe in this dangerous world?  You’ve seen it yourself people.  Man, hates job, but loves kids.  But, will the future be safer with this man’s plea?  I don’t know, but I’ll try... will you!”