"You Have Selected" By: A.D. Nicholas Bundt Announcer: “In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters.” Announcer: “Then, God said...” (zchit) Book: “Please select one of the following... (Pause) You have selected...” Announcer: “Then God said, ‘Let there be television!’ And so it was. God saw how good this was, and separated the light from the dark. He called the light “on” and the darkness “off.” Thus, evening came, and morning followed. The first ‘must see” broadcasting’ was born.” Intro: Ah... the Bible. The numero uno best selling book... in the world! The story of the most powerful character in the world... well, not really in the world, more like the Universe. But, have you actually read it? Sat down, and read the entire thing? Yeah, me neither. There are many versions of the Bible, The King James version, the dumbed down version, the Children's picture version. But what about the “Choose-Your-Own-Adventure” version… a totally interactive version that allows you, the reader, to make choices and change outcomes. Choosing your own adventure... “You Have Selected...” (zchit) Book: “You have chosen to change scenarios. (ding). What scenario would you like? Moses and the Ten Commandments, Jesus and the Last Supper, Noah and the Ark, The Creation of the World, Daniel and the Lions Den... (ding). You have selected Moses and the Ten Commandments. What kind of story difficulty would you like? Accurate, Simple, or ‘Oh My God!’ (ding). You have selected ‘Oh My God!’ Enter in your name. S. A. T. A. N.” (pause) Book: “Your new name is... Moses.” God: “Moses!” Guy: “(surprise) Whew! God, it’s you... you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.” God: “I have created for you and the people the twenty commandments. I have inscribed them into stone tablets. Take them, and have humanity base their lives off of them.” (zchit) Book: “Please select one of the following... One: take the tablets willingly to the masses. Two: proofread them first, and then give your opinion to God. Three: question God about where his Old English accent ‘ran off to.’” (ding) Book: “You have selected...” Guy: “Hmmm... these are really good God. I especially like the ‘do not steal’ part. I will have to talk to my landlord about that one. But, there’s just something wrong with this other tablet.” God: “What! You question my judgment?” Guy: “No, but I think there is just something wrong with these. I mean, what are these? Commandment eleven claims, ‘Thou shall ask thine customers if thy would liketh fries with that.’ I don’t even know what fries are! And this one, ‘Thou shall not double dip!’ ‘Thou shall recycle’, ‘thou shall eat thy vegetables?’ I mean, do you think people will even follow these? Huh?” Book: “I’m sorry; you have been smited by the wrath of God. Adventure terminated.” (zchit) Book: “Rewinding. You have selected…” Guy: “Okay God, I’ll just be taking these here commandments down. I’m sure they are all in good order. I mean, you being the wisest in the world. Well, see ya later (stand there, looking at the tablets).” God: “Moses? What is it?” Guy: “Uh… nothing. Nothing. I just was reading over the commandments. They are really good… no spelling errors or anything! (thumbs up) I think that humanity would like it. God, I’ll pray ya later (hands like a phone - he starts to walk away and trips and breaks a tablet)” Book: “It seems you tripped and shattered the second tablet. (pause) Adventure complete. Would you like another scenario? (ding) You have chosen, Noah and the Ark.” God: “Good evening Noah.” Guy: “(startled) Oh God! Seriously God, any chance you could show yourself so I’d know you were there?” God: “How are you? Look, I just realized that people in the world are just… well, corrupt. You have all these scandals going around, these huge flaws in my grand scheme. Enron will belly up… I mean, the environment will soon go belly up… Anyways, soon, I will send a great flood upon the land to wash clean the earth. Please gather up all the…” Book: “Please select one of the following; One: animals - more precisely, a male and female of each. Two: you will use your best judgment or Three: the animals... and your hunting buddies.” (ding)
God: “Noah, I will allow you to use your best judgment. Please, take what you think is of true value!” Guy: “I will God. Thanks for allowing me to make this decision. I will not fail you! (start thinking). What would God find to be of true value? Things like love, happiness, and friendship are all readily unavailable to me, so I’ll just have to go with the next best thing.” Book: “So, you begin by hiring many people to carry and lift your giant entertainment system into your hastily built Ark.” God: “Noah! What is this? I come to see how you are doing and you have brought this onto the Ark... Why did I think you could do this... why?” Guy: “But... God! It's beautiful... (tear) Look at it. 52 inches of spiritual and digital greatness. I thank you God for having someone invent such a thing.” Book: “You have been smited by the wrath of God. Again. Rewinding... you have selected...” Guy: “I will gather up two of every animal. I will also double check if they are male/female pairs.” Book: “You go about building the Ark.” Guy: “Let's see... I need to build this thing... 400 cubics wide. A what? Cubic... cubic... I don't really know what that is. Hmm... let's see... there's rods and fathoms... but I have never heard of a cubic. I guess I'll just use my best judgment.” Book: “After winging the initial construction, you get about gathering up all the animals. You continually check time and again if you have two of each. Unfortunately, the bunnies that you have gathered keep multiplying at an exponential rate, no matter how short of a time you turn away.” Guy: “(angry) You rabbits are taking up valuable space! Now look, there is only room for two more animals, and two pairs still need to get on! Grr... Unicorns... platypus... I can't take both of you, and I really wish I could. Which one... which one... There is only one way to figure this one out! Eny Meny Miney Moe, my Lord told me to pick the very best on and that is you! Welcome aboard, Mr. Platypus!” Book: “Adventure complete. (pause) Would you like a different scenario? (ding) You selected Daniel and the Den of Lions. You are Daniel, a faithful of God. Unfortunately, the King has forbade anyone to pray to God. You, though, are finding it harder and harder not to pray. There is a knock at the door.” Daniel: “I wonder who’s at the door.” Scout: “Hello! I’m hear on behalf of the Serf Scouts. Would you like to purchase some cookies! They are good. See.” Daniel: “No thank you... but thank you.” Scout: “Sir. I must incline that you buy some cookies.” Daniel: “No.” Scout: “Sir!” Daniel: “NO! My God, will you just go away.” (zchit) Book: “Sorry, but you have prayed to God. You have been cast into the Lion’s Den.” Lion: “Grr!” Daniel: “... Oh no... This is not good!” (zchit) Book: “Do you... 1. Cowing in fear... some more. 2. Put on your own vicious look 3. Reason with the Lions” “You have selected....” Guy: “Com’on guys... can’t we be reasonable... Huh... no? Why not... I mean... we are reasonable adults here... huh...?” Lion: “Well... I say. If you say that then, I suppose devouring you would be rather rude.” Guy: “Ah... Huh?” Lion: “Daniel... do you think I would really let you get eaten up?” Guy: “God... is that you?” Lion: “No! It’s not... it’s really a talking lion.” Guy: “God! It is you! You look ridiculous and hairy!” (zchit) Book: “You have been smited by the wrath of God. Adventure complete. You have selected God’s gift to man... Jesus.” God: “Oh! Have you heard about my son? He is just the greatest thing on the world. Would you like to see a picture? Here, let me get out my wallet and... (pulls out wallet, pictures roll out) Oh! Here’s him walking on water... oh, and here’s him curing the sick and ill... and (time ticks by).” (zchit) Book: “Do you: 1. Comment on Jesus 2. Praise Jesus 3. Listen contently about Jesus.” Guy: “Isn’t there an exit command! I want to exit.” Book: “The command “exit” does not compute...” Guy: “What? No! Power down!” Book: “Power down does not compute. Please select a choice.” (zchit) |