"The Man of Steel... Hips"

By: A.D. Nicholas Bundt

(“Last time... on The Superfriends!”)

            Superman:  “Quickly Superfriends!  Evil is afoot...  Halt old woman, do you need help crossing the street.”

            Old Woman:  “Why... yes...  I... do...  Superman…”

            Superman:  “Well, then, hold onto my beefy bicep.”  (teeth sparkle)

            Old Woman:  (rips off mask) Laughs evilly: “Superman you buffoon!”

            Superman:  “Lex Luthor!  I like the dress!”

            Lex:  “Do you, Superman?  I think it really brings out my eyes...  Wait!  Never mind that, Superman!  Meet your doom-om-om-om!”  (whips out radiation gun)

            Superman:  “Oh gasp!  What horror have you concocted?”

            Lex Luthor.  “It’s... my...  Glow-a-matron-o-matic!”

            Superman:  “Sigh!  This was the same thing last week!”

            Lex:  “This time, it works!”  (fires Glow-a-matron-o-matic.)

            Superman:  “No!”  (in slow motion)

            Lex:  “Muhahahahahha!  You’ve meeten your doom, Superman!”

            Superman:  “What?”

            Lex:  “Oh, you know what I mean!  Look at you, you’re old!”

            Superman:  “What’s happened to me?  And where did this walker come from?”

Intro:  The Man of Steel, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive.  Superman was made famous by his impervious strength and seemingly endless amount of super abilities.  But what if agelessness was stripped away from him.  Superman, functioning will malfunctioning superpowers, living in a common nursing home, feeling his age bear down on him.  Superman would become “The Man of Steel...  Hips.”

(SuperFriend’s Transition)

            Attendant:  “Rise and shine Superman!”

            Superman:  “Oh!  My pacemaker!  Attendant Lady, you shouldn’t seek up on me like that!”

            Attendant:  “Well, it’s medication and visitor time Superman.”

            Superman:  “(takes the medication) Oh, thank you.  A visitor, you say.  Well, don’t let ‘em in.  It could be Lex Luthor, here to finish me off.  He’s still at large you know...”

            Attendant:  (pauses) “Well, it isn’t.  His name is Tyler and he‘s a big fan of yours, and I need to get going, but I’m going to go let him in.”

            Tyler:  “Bye attendant lady!”

            Superman:  “Hey kiddo.”

            Tyler:  “Oh, hey smelly old man, is Superman around?”

            Superman:  “Smelly old man?  Don’t you know who you’re talking too?”

            Tyler:  “No.”

            Superman:  “It’s me!  You know, faster than a speeding bullet?”

            Tyler:  “Oh, I‘m sorry Superman.  I heard what happened, but I didn‘t know you‘d be this smelly...  I mean old...  and I was wondering if you would still show me some of your superpowers?”

            Superman:  “Oh...  How could I say no to a cute face like that?”

            Tyler:  (cute face)

            Superman:  “I‘ll show you one doosey of a superpower!  (pulls out teeth)  Hey Tyler!“

            Tyler:  “I was thinking more like your super speed!”

            Superman:  “Hey, that‘s a good idea!  Super speed, away!”  (Superman slowly walks on his walker)  Yeah!  I felt my IV bag sway that time.”

            Tyler:  “Please, tell me that you still have X-ray Vision.”

            Superman:  “Hey yeah, I use it to see if it’s worth getting up for dinner.  (uses his vision)  Mmm...  Pancakes tonight.  Oh, apparently Aqua-man has flushed himself down the toilet again.  Oh, and Batman’s taking a shower – Oh my god!”

            Tyler:  “You saw Aqua-man!  And Batman!”

            Superman:  “And trying to forget it too, kid.”

            Tyler:  “The other Superfriend’s are here too!  All of them!”

            Superman:  “Yeah, everyone.  Everyone and that lovely attendant.”

            Tyler:  “Superman, I really wanted to see some real superpowers.”

            Superman:  “Tyler.  You need to understand.  I’m not as young as I used to be... and I can’t do the things I used to do.  It happens to everyone, and now, even the most powerful.”

            Tyler:  “I guess...  But, my teacher says that if believe in yourself, that you can do anything.”

            Superman:  “You have a point there, but it’s just that no one believes in us anymore...”

            Tyler:  “But I know you can do it!  I know you can defeat Lex Luthor!”

            Superman:  “Thank you Tyler... you know, I think I feel.  Stand back, this looks likes a job for...  Superman!”  (rips open shirt)

            (Tyler recoils in horror)

            Superman:  “Away!”

            (SuperFriends transition)

            (Superman is slowly walking with his walker.)

            Superman:  “This closet isn’t a phone booth, but it’ll do.”

            (“One hour later“)

            Superman:  (opens door) “I’m done!  I don’t feel any different... but I’ll check to make sure.  X-Ray vision... hmm...  Batman again...  Oh my god!  Aren‘t you clean yet!”

            Tyler:  “Superman!  Come quick!  The attendant needs to be beaten up!”

            Superman:  “Why makes you say that, Tyler?”

            Tyler:  “Well, when I was waiting for you to change I saw her making your pills all glowy like.  Then she told me to meet my doom.”

            Superman:  “Glowy, eh?  Doom, you say?  Well, that sounds suspiciously familiar.  Tyler...  I hope you can believe when I say this...  but I think the Superfriend’s will have a reunion episode after all!”

            (“Super Geezers!  Assemble!”)

            Superman:  “Superman!  Up, Up and Away!  (jumps slightly)  Oh, I guess that’s all I get...”

            Batman:  “I am Batman!  Utility Belt!”  (Attempts to get on his belt, but is too fat)  “Robin, help me!”

            Robin:  “Holy Metamucil Batman!”

            Spider-man:  “Spider-man!”  (shoots web, and it just goes to the ground, long pause)  “Where am I?”

            Superman:  “There she is!  After her, Superfriends.”

            Attendant Lady:  “Oh look at you, you and all your little costumes.  Here’s your medication.”

            Superman:  “That isn‘t my medication!  Those are Glow-a-matron pills disguised as laxatives.  And you‘ve been giving ‘em to me, Lex Luthor!”

            Lex:  “How did you find out!  No matter, what are you old fogeys going to do about it, anyway, hmm?  Hmm?”

            (Superman looks blankly)  “Uh…”

            Lex:  “That’s what I thought.  Look at Aqua-man.  He talks to fish!  (fish noises)  Pathetic!  And you, Spider-man, does your spider-sense tingle when it’s going to rain.  And you Superman!  The only thing you are good is using your senior citizen discount at the car wash!”

            Superman:  “Oh yeah, well, why do you like dressing up like as old women?”

            Lex:  “My point remains valid!  Now meet your doom, you worthless heroes!”

            Tyler:  “They’re not worthless.  They are my heroes and I believe in them!”

            Superman:  “My... my strength is returning to me.”

            Tyler:  “You will always lose!”

            Lex:  “No!  The effect is reversing itself!”

            Tyler:  “Not while I have hope!”

            (Superman reviving)  Superman:  “Lex Luthor!  How dare you!”

            Lex:  “Oh crap!  (pulls out the gun, fires)  No, it’s having no effect!”

            Superman:  “That’s because Tyler’s belief helped us gain our strength.  Your tactics will not work here anymore.

            Lex:  “Well...  Luckily, I keep some spare Kryptonite in my purse!  (opens purse)  It‘s not in here...  Wait!  This is my springtime purse!  Curses!”

            Superman:  “I believe you’ve been defeated, Lex Luthor.  And we thank you, Tyler; you made us all feel young again.”

            Tyler:  “It’s how young you feel on the inside that counts.  And feel I could be a Superhero too!”

            Superman:  “Well, good for you kid, but let’s not go that far.”