Want a bowl of spaghetti and sausages? Then Johnny�s your man
Hello, Johnny. Where are you on this bank holiday Monday?
�I�ve just got home from Leeds and I�m about to go down to Winchester to work on a song with Andy, our drummer.�
A girl on the internet wants to marry you because you are, apparently, �the minxiest person ever�.How minxy are you?
�I don�t really think it�s my job to be minxy.�
Is it just something you do as a favour?
�I think there are people in the world who are incredibly, impossibly good-looking but I don�t think that�s really my job. Has she met me? I don�t know. I don�t really believe in marriage. I believe in Celtic marriages thousands of years ago � you�d get married for a year and a day. After that you�d go back to the same place and either renew your vows or you�d call it off.
Like an MOT?
�Well�if you want it to be�actually, no. I think it�s quite romantic. I think it�s quite a lot of pressure to put on someone in a regular marriage: �Will you always feel this way about me?� You know?�
What can you cook?
�I can do this cool thing with spaghetti and pesto and, like, you bake some sausages so they�re nice and crispy on the outside. And then you chop them up into little bits. And you put some cheese on top. That�s quite a treat.�
How many members of your band are irreplaceable?
�Um�next. Next question.�
Well, you have, in a sense, answered the question.
�No, I haven�t really.�
Are you objecting to the question because I referred to Razorlight as �your band� when of course Razorlight is a total democracy and its not just your band at all? Would that be it?
�Er, yes. Um, y�know. It�s up to everybody in the band. You know what I mean? In the sense that it�s up to everybody. If I stopped wanting to write the best songs I could possibly write and put on the best shows I possibly could, I wouldn�t still be in the band. And that goes for everyone in the band � if Bjorn stopped wanting to be the best guitarist he wouldn�t be in the band either. It�s the same for everyone.�
And the other two?
�And the other two, yes�
What are the three biggest mistakes you�ve made in life?
�The first two were probably haircuts � I had a James Dean phase when I was 18, and the �50�s quiff didn�t really suit me. Actually I have a quiff in the new �Vice� video � I�m posing as a rentboy, with a quiff�
Did you enjoy posing as a rentboy?
�Oh, it was jolly good fun. I was a bit offended though � I tried my hardest to get the right look, and then Bjorn slung in with a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and he was there already. He was just so much camper than I was. I was gutted.�
How much would you charge as a rentboy?
�Something competitive, but not insulting.�
If you were homosexual, how much would you be prepared to pay for sex with your rentboy self?
�(Laughs) Let me think. Is this not the same question as �How much would you charge?� I suppose it depends on a lot of things, not least how strong the wolf was in me that evening. And how much I�d had to drink�
You know how one of your missions is to make revolution irresistible?
�Hmm��
You�re clearly quite clever. Why didn�t you just go into politics?
�(Finding the idea hilarious) Because I couldn�t fucking play a guitar in politics, could I?�
So basically Razorlight is just you indulging yourself with a bit of �Ooh, let�s have a revolution� tagged on the end? What are you doing?
�Well, I�m writing songs, and playing them.�
But you seem so politicised in some of your interviews that, surely, you could do a lot more if you were actually in politics rather than just saying things every now and again in interviews.
�I don�t actually think that�s true, because when people hear politician talking they just switch off, because 99 per cent of what politicians say is going to be a lie�
Isn�t that all the more reason for people like you to do something about it? You look great. You have nice hair. The kids would love it.
�It doesn�t really appeal to me�
Finally, Johnny, did you ever get lost as a child?
�Yes, in Brent Cross shopping centre. I lost my mum and I was screaming and crying. And then my grandfather came and picked me up, but the people in John Lewis wouldn�t let my grandfather take me to see my mum because all they could see was this old bloke trying to steal a crying child. It all turned out happy in the end, though.�
FYI
Johnny knows nine people who�s lives have been changed by Razorlight
Johnny is not sure if he has a girlfriend, because �It�s all very confusing�
Johnny�s autobiography will be called �Love, Lust and Lotion�