The camera fades in on the back entrance to the Barton Colosseum in Little Rock. Standing outside are RCW Commish “Fast” Franky Higgs, wearing jeans, a Georgia Bulldogs Herschel Walker throwback jersey, and white linen jacket, and Rip Evers, wearing a black tank top and jean shorts. Higgs puffs on a cigar. A limo pulls up, and out of the limo come RCW President AJ Supreme, Clint Stoerner, & Todd Day. Higgs makes a bum’s rush to greet them.
FH: Oh my jumpin’ jackrabbits! Mr. Dar, Mr. Stoerner! Good to meet y’all, Daddys! And boss, it’s always a pleasure. How was your stay in town?
TD: Pretty good, I guess.
CS: Yeah, the hotel was real nice. But the transportation was lousy! We were in some broken down RV!
TD: Yeah, it smelled like something died in there!
AJS: Higgs...
FH: Well, I’m sure sorry y’all had a bad time, maybe you’re not used to country livin’ is all, Daddy!
CS: What?
TD: We both lived in Arkansas for years.
FH: Ah, heh heh.....well anyways, glad y’all could make it. Listen, we got a fully catered affair in the back there. Get you all the moon pies and root beer you can eat. Oh, and there’s some fried chicken, I think, but if a feller named Cletus is near the plate, y’all best to move along.
AJS: That’s fine. We already had dinner, Franky. What I think these gentlemen would really like is their donation to charity?
FH: Come ‘gain?
AJS: The check, Franky, the check.
FH: Oh, I thought you said they were GIVING us a donation! Well, that’s another kettle of fish right there, Daddy!
AJS: Franky...
FH: Oh, I’m just foolin’.....here y’are, fellas.
Franky digs in his pocket and produces two rumpled checks. He gives one each to Stoerner and Day.
TD: Thanks.
CS: Yeah, very generous of you guys.
AJS: Why don’t you guys head on in and say hi to the crew. I’m sure there as honored to have you as we are.
Franky, can I talk to you a moment in private?
Day & Stoerner head inside. Higgs furrows his brow and looks at Supreme attentively.
AJS: Any sign of Big Red?
FH: Nope, sure ain’t seen him. He wouldn’t dare cross ol’ Fast Franky on a night like this!
AJS: So you got the extra security?
Higgs sticks his thumb towards Evers.
FH: You’re looking at ‘im, Daddy! I got all the confidence in the world ol’ Rough & Tumble will keep the riff raff out! He used to be a bouncer, y’know.
AJS: Wasn’t that at a bar, for, you know, alternative lifestyles?
FH: Hey, a catfight’s a cat fight, even if they do got Adam’s Apples, Daddy! Believe me, Bossman, we got this situation well under control.
AJS: I hope you do, Frankky...I hope you do.
Supreme walks inside the building. Camera cuts to the Hog Heaven logo, and the Hog Heaven theme music, “Sparks Will Fly” by the Rolling Stones.
You'd better grease up
Clip of Rocky Malibu making short order of Willy Franklin.
I'm coming back
TooSexy defeats El Bastardo in the first round of the Southern Heritage Title Tourney.
You're going to catch fire Pyromaniac
Trent Raven and White Trash stride into the Colosseum.
You'd better shape up
Phil defeats Chris Sinclair in his first round match-up.
You'd better get set
Isaac Comelightly named the winner of the first 3-Way.
I'm gonna burn up
In the smoke of a jet
Ares defeats two men to become the second 3 Way winner.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you, baby
TooSexy defeats Ice Kold.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you baby
Phil defeats Quark.
You're going to find out
Higgs goes through his handy dandy notebook for clues on Big Red.
Going to scream and shout
The camera shows RCW fans cheering as Trip Gordan does the pre-show audience warm up.
We're going to pierce through this drought
Cletus Beauchamp turns over his moonshine jug, showing it completely empty.
Sparks will fly, sparks will fly
You'd better stand back
The flames are high
Brock Davids named the winner of the third 3-Way.
Better get help
Clip of Higgs naming BDC special ref in the “Brawl in the Family”Match.
Can't stop the fire
TooSexy points to a fan’s sign in the crowd - “One More Time - For The Gold!”
Bell's going to ring
El Bastardo toots the horn on his new Ford Focus merrily as he pulls into the Barton parking lot.
Hear the alarms
Better tell the fire chief
To quit playing cards
Franky Higgs gnaws on a Rib Crib half slab.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you, baby
Mikey begins pre-match warm-ups, a sanguined look on his face.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you, baby
Delilah hits rights and lefts on a speed bag in the locker room.
I'm gonna step on the gas
I want to get there real fast
Fans diluge the RCW merchandise table, cash in hand.
Sparks will fly
Rip Evers turns his head in both directions, searching for Big Red.
Sharks will cry
The Trench Coat Mafia rip a TNDS poster off the wall.
Sparks will fly
I had a good sniff around
Puck & Pyros grab some corn dogs from the catering table.
Along old hunting grounds
Phil picks up a t-shirt from his duffel bag which reads “Zero Hour.”
But I have never found
A woman so hot
Bettie Lee Rose poses for a picture with some diehard fans.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you, baby
Lester Daley does a pre-show gargle while Floyd Boyd looks on, annoyed.
Sparks will fly
When I finally get myself back to you, baby
AJ supreme re-reads index cards in his hand.
My fingers are crossed
TooSexy does push-ups on the locker room floor, oblivious to the well wishers in the back.
The time that we lost
I'm in total chaos
Phil stares at the event poster, a wild smirk on his face.
Sparks will fly
The Mr. Hog Wild trophy is displayed.
Sparks will fly
Todd Day looks, impressed, at the RCW Southern Heritage Title.
Sparks will fly
The camera pans to the large crowd in the Barton Colosseum. They are on their feet, and already seem excited. The camera then whips over to the announce table, where Lester Daley & “Hollywood” Floyd Boyd are seated.
LD: We’ve made it, fans! Only a few short months from our very Genesis, Razorback Championship Wrestling is proud to present our first ever Hog Wild, Natural Selection! We have a star studded evening, fans. Of course I’m Lester Daley, and beside me, as always, my broadcast tag team partner, “Hollywood” Floyd Boyd. And Floyd, you must be as excited as all of us gathered here for what promises to be a heckuva show!
FB: I can’t argue with that Daley, as much as I hate agreeing with you!
LD: Well who can argue with such a jam packed card! First, we’ll see the Mr. Hog Wild Battle Royal! And let’s face it, Floyd, Trent Raven certainly has to be the odds on favorite in this one!
FB: Who knows which Raven’ll show up, tonight? For his sake, it better be the one who wants to beat some ass, and collect the trophy, title shot, and the cash!
LD: It always comes down to money with you, doesn’t it?
FB: Listen, some of us don’t shop at the Goodwill, Daley. I can’t help that I have champagne taste. The last champagne you probably drank probably came in a can!
LD: Starting in already, I shouldn’t be surprised. We’ve got some exciting tag team action, as Puck & Pyros, the New Downward Spiral, take on Adam & Brock Davids, the Trench Coat Mafia!
FB: Well Puck & Pyros have antagonized the Davids, trying to get their coat, and they might be sorry they did. Those Brits are tough! One time I was drinking with my good friend Michael Caine, and out of nowhere, Judi Dench rabbit punched me in the kidneys! True story.
LD: Will you stop?!We also have the No-DQ Brawl In The Family, as Mikey takes on Delilah Ghost!
FB: We finally saw that the ol’ Mute might be able to get a word in edgewise, but I still say that Delilah shows who wears the pants in this relationship!
LD: Following that, we’ve got our three way match for the RCW Natural Title, as Brock Davids takes on Ares & Comelightly!
FB: Well Davids is pulling double duty tonight, but back in my day, we did it all the time. Hey, Daley, remember those two cheerleaders that were at the show last week from Arkansas State? Well I pulled some double duty when I-
LD: Please spare us, Floyd!
FB: Hey, don’t blame me for trying to bring some excitement in your life! Maybe you want to sip Ovaltine in your jammies and be in bed by 8:30, but not everyone else does!
LD: I’ll tell you what I feel like, and that’s the finals of the RCW Southern Heritage Tourney. The cream has risen to the top, and tonight, TooSexy can cap a tremendous comeback to in-ring action by defeating the Phil!
FB: Yeah, and you might’ve gotten laid more often if you stopped wearing outfits designed by Mr. Furley from Three’s Company! This ain’t about could’a’beens, it’s about what will be, and that’s Phil, walking out of here with that gold!
LD: Fans, it’s a great night of action, but first off, we have a special announcement by our President, Mr. AJ Supreme!
“South Town” by P.O.D. begins to play as RCW President AJ Supreme makes his way towards the ring as the fans go crazy…..AJ steps into the ring through the ropes and stands in the middle of the ring as he places his hand in the air to calm the fans down he puts the mic to his mouth and begins to speak……
AJS: Alright, alright, I know you fans are ready for an action packed first edition of Hog Heaven tonight, so I won’t take up too much of your time. But I do have a few announcements I need to get out of the way.
The crowd cheers again…..
AJS: As some of you may have already found out through Melvin Gates’ 1-900-RASSILIN hotline, Chris Sinclair and Rocky Malibu along with Denise and Snake have been arrested and detained south of the border in Mexico.
The fans have a mixed reaction at the news…..
AJS: Now that leaves El Bastardo Del Talon without an opponent for the Coal Miner’s Glove match. El Bastardo came to me before the show and said he didn’t feel right winning the match by forfeit, so the match will take place.
The fans cheer wildly….
AJS: But not tonight, an announcement will be made on next week’s Southern Dynamite only on Fox 16. And speaking of Southern Dynamite, I’ve been in talks with Fox 16 and I’m please to announce that starting in January of 2008 there will be 90 minutes of hard hitting, wrestling like it ought to be, action that you’ve grown to love from Razorback Championship Wrestling.
The fans cheer once again….
AJS: Now let the games begin.
LD: Fans, it’s a shame we won’t be able to provide this match-up as promised tonight, but I assure you, when it happens, it’s guaranteed to be a barn-burner!
FB: I’m gonna go on record right now, Daley, and say that Bastardo must be behind this! Why he’d try to weasel out of a match with Sinclair like this, I have no idea.
LD: Come on now, Boyd! Why would you suspect Bastardo would have anything to do with it?
FB: Well, that’s what I would’ve done in my day!
LD: Fans...let’s try to retain all of our sanities...and take it to the tag team matchup!
Down With The Sickness by Disturbed plays as the Trench Coat Mafia walk out in their usual attire, each with kendo stick in hand. They continue down to the ring, slide in, and put their trench coats and kendo sticks in a pile just outside of the ring. The two brothers climb up the turnbuckles and raise their hands up in the air to a chorus of boos.
LD: Where is that devastating weapon that Adam Davids said he was going to be bringing?
FB: Wow, you elderly people are impatient.
LD: Elderly?
FB: Weren't you in a nursing home before you got this gig?
LD: I most certainly was not!
"March of The Pigs" by Nine Inch Nails interrupts the two commentators conversation and they aren't allowed to restart it, as TNDS runs into the ring faster than the speed of light.
Adam and Brock turn to notice the duo and Adam slides out of the ring, however, Brock does not. Both Puck and Pyros charge in and begin clubbing Brock with forearms, causing him to retreat back into a corner of the ring. The referee walks over to TNDS, obviously telling them that one of them has to leave the ring and after a few minutes of deliberation, Puck leaves the ring.
The match really starts off with TNDS using quick tags and double teams to neutralize Brock Davids and keep Adam Davids out of the match. Then, their offense evolves into what it normally is, high-flying and dangerous. Of course, when there is danger involved, there is bound to be mistakes and indeed, there were. Puck and Pyros went for an aerial double team, but Brock dodged it, leaving both of them out in the middle. Brock, having been worked away on in this five plus minutes of the match, wants to tag out at this point, but Adam doesn't allow him to tag out.
LD: Oh come on! Where is this angry Adam Davids that said he would step in to the match himself?
FB: He's just waiting for the right oppurtunity.
So Brock, being turned away from his brother, goes back in to fight TNDS, but both Puck and Pyros have recovered fom the missed attack. They regain control and stop tagging in and out quickly, as they have already worn out Brock. The legal man for TNDS, Puck, attacks Brock with more of a pure wrestling style, keeping control of the match.
LD: TNDS has absolutely controlled this match thus far.
FB: Just wait.
Puck then tags in Pyros who goes back to the more dangerous style. This time, the dangerous moves start to pay off as Pyros gets several nearfalls. Now at the ten minute mark, Brock is clearly exhausted. Luckily for him, Puck and Pyros start to let up, giving him an oppurtunity to fight back. With a couple of quick spine busters, Brock takes out Puck and Pyros, but he can't take advantage as he is tired himself.
LD: Big chance here for Brock to tag out.
Brock does eventually begin to crawl over to Adam, but again, Adam drops off the corner, not allowing Brock to tag out. Adam walks over to the steel steps on the outside of the ring, picks them up and places them between the entrance ramp and the ring. Meanwhile, on the inside of the ring, Puck is going for pin fall after pin fall, effectively wearing Brock out and getting The Trench Coat Mafia close to a loss.
LD: Great strategy here by Puck and Pyros
FB: Just wait until Adam gets in there.
Finally, Adam steps in illegally with Pyros being the legal man. He takes control of Pyros and effectively hip tosses him over the top rope, back first onto the steel steps on the outside of the ring.
LD: What a devistating manuever!
FB: What did I tell ya?
Adam then finally tags in, allowing his brother to rest while he and Puck go at it. The two start by trading punches, but after they realize they are about equal in that department, Adam decides to fight dirty. With a knee to the midsection and a rake to the eye, Adam takes control. Adam keeps control by using a wide array of technical moves, working away at Puck's legs. Adam, content with what he has done, tags in his semi-rested brother.
LD: The Davids Brothers now have control of the match.
FB: And here comes Brock to finish of Puck.
Brock is able to retain control of the match, using several different power moves on Puck. Brock gets several nearfalls on Puck, with Pyros still out from the devistating blow earlier. Then, Adam and Brock start ignoring the rules and don't tag in and out. They just go ahead and straight up double team Puck. Finally, the ref regains control, but it might be too late as both Puck and Pyros are out.
LD: TCM has firm grasp on this match.
Adam, in his own corner, removes the top turnbuckle and takes some sort of object out of it and places it lightly in his boot. Meanwhile in the ring, Brock goes for his finisher, the Brock Bomb. Adam drops off the ring apron as Pyros starts to return to his feet and Puck slips out of the Brock Bomb and into a roll up.
LD: One...two...three...no a kickout!
FB: They're lucky they even got a two on that one.
Adam tries to attack Pyros on the outside, but Pyros dodges the attack and does one of his own on the padding on the outside, leaving Adam out. With both Adam down, Pyros gets in to the inside of the ring, and TNDS begins to double team Brock. After about a minute of double teaming however, Brock begins to fight back and with a spine buster and a Brock Bomb, Davids is the only left standing in the ring. On the outside, Adam climbs up onto the ring apron and tags himself in. Brock, being aware that the end is near, runs over to the newly standing Pyros and clotheslines him over the top rope. Because of the Brock's momentum, he also goes over the top.
LD: So now it's left to just Adam Davids and Puck.
Adam reaches into his boot and puts a pair of what look to be brass knuckles on his hand. He then starts to stalk Puck and as soon as Puck gets up, he swings. Unfortunately for Puck, he hits him, laying Puck out. And with Puck bloodied and knocked out, Adam goes for the pin.
LD: One...two...three. The Trench Coat Mafia have one using those damned brass knuckles.
FB: No, I think those are spiked brass knuckles, ordinary brass knuckles wouldn't make you bleed like that.
And ineed, Puck's face is covered in blood.
TG: Here are your winners, Adam & Brock Davids....The TRENCH COAT....MAAAAFFFIIIIIAAAAAAA!!
LD: What a cheap win for The Davids Brothers.
FB: And what a cheap suit you have on!
LD exhaling deeply: Ten..nine..eight...
RCW Cameras fade.
[COMMERCIAL ENTERGY - WE LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE!]
RCW cameras fade into the announce booth.
LD: Welcome back fans, and we’re off with a bang. It’s just a shame such a great match had to be spoiled with chicanery.
FB: Pssh, what you call chicanery, I call excellent strategy.
LD: Strategy?! They blatantly cheated!
FB: And who won?
LD: The Trench Coat Mafia.
FB: Like I said, excellent strategy.
LD: Fans, coming up is a match that we’re all in the dark on in terms of strategy, and that’s the Brawl In The Family match! Let’s take you to it right now!
***”BRAWL IN THE FAMILY” - NO DQ - SPECIAL REF - BDC - MIKEY VS. DELILAH GHOST***
VS.
This match certainly turned into an unpredictable affair. The first surprise of the match, was that seemingly BDC called it right down the middle. Delilah came out in full swing, taking the fight to Mikey, who turned on the defensive and quickly. However, after a few minutes, it seemed obvious that Mikey wasn’t interested in fighting back! Sensing this, Delilah Ghost inexplicably prodded Mikey to take his best shot, and the fight was on. And while Mikey was plucky, Delilah showed why she’s always considered a threat in RCW, eventually getting the best of him and closing out the match with the Poltergeist! While the fans cheered the result, they were even more enthusiastic for the after-match action, as Mikey and Delilah joined in a strange embrace, and walked arm in arm to the back!
WINNER - DELILAH GHOST 12:19
[COMMERCIAL - THE RIB CRIB - WHERE BOLD BEGINS]
RCW cameras fade into the broadcast booth.
LD: Welcome back fans. We’re ready for the Mr. Hog Wild, Battle Royale.
TG: Ladies and gentlemen, our next contest will be a Battle Royale. Any contestant who touches the ground with both feet will be eliminated. The last contestant standing will be named Mr. Hog Wild and will win $10,000 and receive the Mr. Hog Wild trophy to be presented by Mr. Clint Stoerner.
LD Wow, Clint Stoerner, here. What a freaking privledge. Let me guess, you know him too?
FB: Well, actually, I do.
LD Of course you do. You know everyone.
FB: I just don’t like to brag about it.
LD Oh, yeah, because you’re so humble…
FB: No, because it’s not good to know him in the circles I run it. He’s an embarrassment to football, and an embarrassment to Arkansas in general.
LD I wouldn’t say that too loud around these fans.
The fans around them all boo…
TG: Coming to the ring first, standing at 6’6” and standing at 269 lbs., “Kentucky Pride” Cletus Beauchamp!
Cletus comes in wearing his typical overalls with a blue shirt underneath them this time. He drops the top of the overalls to reveal a University of Kentucky shirt. The fans vehemently boo him as he comes to the ring and climbs over the ropes.
LD Wow, you share the same views on Arkansas as Cletus Beauchamp?!?
FB: I never said that. I only said that Stoerner was an embarrassment to…
LD Can it , you’re only digging a deeper hole.
“Free Bird” by Lynard Skynard plays as Dixie comes in, waving her cowgirl hat.
RA: Coming to the ring next, standing at 6’3” and weighing in at 286 lbs…”The Confederate Rebel” Lee Jackson.
Lee Jackson comes in to a chorus of cheers. He runs to the ring and climbs in. He gets up in Cletus’ face, staring him down.
LD: Calm down boys, the match hasn’t even started yet.
FB: Rip his head off. I’m ready to get this show on the road!
RA: From Pecos, Texas, he is “Rough & Tumble” Rip Evers!
A moderate chorus of boos fill the air.
LD Wow, not even enough hatred to get a full boo.
FB: Some guys just don’t have that it factor to get the fans behind them, or against them.
TG: Headed to the ring, standing at 6’3” and weighing in at 229 lbs., “The Wild Child” Willy Franklin!
A loud cheer rises from the arena as Willy Franklin rushes to the ring. The cheers hardly die before the next wrestler is announced.
TG: Headed to the ring, weighing in at 245 lbs and standing at 6’0”, Kip Reaves!
Kip stumbles in. He makes it half way down the entrance ramp before falling off and against the barricade. Trapped between the entrance ramp and the barricade, the ring announcer continues.
LD Wow, talk about toasted.
FB: He’s drunker than Lindsay Lohan fresh out of rehab.
TG: Next to the ring, hailing from Cowtown, Fort Worth, Texas, weighing in at 275 lbs and standing at 6’1”, Trent Raven!
“The Pretender” by the Foo Fighters plays as Trent Raven comes out followed by Warlock Hall and Akasha Raven. Trent rushes to the ring and slides in under the bottom rope. He begins pointing at all of the wrestlers in the ring and motions his thumb across his throat.
LD This Raven guy is nuts. He first comes on the scene here in the RCW as a highly decorated wrestler from several small promotions and rode one promotion to mega star status. Now he lives off that status. He came here with a bit of an identity problem which he claimed to have straightened out.
FB: Yes, but I know his psychiatrist, and he told me that Trent is a bit of an enigma. He can’t tell if Trent is a true psychotic, or just playing possum to further his career here in the RCW.
LD Either way, you gotta agree, it’s not worked out so well for Trent. One loss and one win is hardly the record you want to take to your first Hog Heaven appearance.
“White Trash Story” by The Casey Donahew band plays as Junior and Carl Wayne come out. They pass out beer to several fans. Sarah Anne Baker-Smith Comes out and wraps her arms around Junior and rides on his back to the ring. Carl Wayne finds a young college girl in the crowd and offers her a beer. She takes in and giggles. He starts to talk to her as Sarah Anne Baker-Smith comes down and drags him to the ring by his arm and tosses him under the bottom rope into the ring.
TG: Now in the ring, at a combined weight of 520 lbs, White Trash, Junior and Carl Wayne!
LD That rounds us out and we are all set to go here as the referee calls for the bell.
FB: Rip Evers goes straight for Willie Franklin as Kip Reaves heads for Lee Jackson.
LD Cletus Beauchamp has decided to go after Junior, but gets blind-sided by a forearm to the back of the head by Carl Wayne. Carl Wayne and Junior are now double teaming Cletus. The fans are erupting in cheers here.
FB: And I can see why! This is more entertaining than last year’s NCAA National Championship football game.
LD And I’ll be willing to bet you’re going to say you were there.
FB: I sure was.
LD Well, you can count that out this year because you’ll be working right here at the good ol’ RCW.
FB: Not necessarily, I’ll just use my good friend Donald’s private jet.
LD Donald?
FB: The Donald.
LD As in Trump?
FB: One in the same.
LD You’re impossible.
FB: I’ll tell you what’s impossible, and that is trying to get Cletus over the top rope. Both Junior and Carl Wayne are working on lifting him up and over and having no success doing so.
LD Rip Evers is having success as he goes for a whip and lands a haymaker punch on Willie Franklin just as he hits the ropes sending Willie over the top rope. Willie is hanging on and the crowd is chanting Ark-an-sas.
Several assorted Ar-kan-sas chants are heard around the arena.
FB: They sure love their hometown heroes around here, don’t they?
LD I think you and Cletus are the only two who don’t like Arkansas here.
FB: The Donald hates Arkansas. He wants to buy up all the real estate here and recreate New York City for the south.
LD That’s a horrible idea.
FB: You’re so unrefined my friend.
LF If I wasn’t being paid to be here, I’d deck you.
FB: If I didn’t have a lawyer for a wife, I’d be scared.
LD You’re wife’s not a lawyer!
FB: That’s what you think.
LD Oh, man. Just as Willie Franklin was coming back into the ring, Kip Reaves stumbled and fell into him, causing him to fall. Kip Reaves actually eliminated someone!?!
FB: That’s the second strangest thing I’ve seen this week!
LD Oh, alright, I’ll take the bait, what was the strangest thing you’ve seen this week?
FB: Kip Reaves’ mom, naked.
LD You don’t know Kip Reaves’ mom.
FB: Sure I do, everyone’s been around that block, just ask Warlock.
LD Warlock was with Kip Reaves’ mom?
FB: That’s what he told me. Of course, he was drunk at the time.
LD Consider your sources before you spread rumors here. That’s what Melvin Gates’ hotline is for.
FB: That’s right fans, to get up to the date news and info all around the wrestling world, dial 1-900-RASSLIN and dish all the latest rumors.
LD Only $39.95 for the first minute, and $3.99 each additional minute.
FB: Well, here comes our second elimination as Lee Jackson has just hit the Rebel Yell off the top rope and is rolling Rip Evers out of the ring.
LD You mean we wasted an entire elimination to hear you talk about Kip Reaves’ mom?
FB: Well, Kip Reaves is still in the match.
LD Well, Cletus Beauchamp has finally broken free from Junior and Carl Wayne and can barely keep his feet. He is walking backward, and uh oh, so is Kip Reaves.
FB: They are both dangerously close to the ropes.
LD Trent gets up out of the corner and rushes into Cletus, who collides with Kip Reaves, sending him flying through the ropes. He hits the floor, and wrestler number three has been eliminated.
FB: Wow, the hits just keep coming, huh?
LD Did you just make a joke?
FB: It was a pun.
LD Don’t shortchange yourself man, that was funny!
FB: Not as funny as your ex wife was sitting on my lap at the last Christmas party.
LD We weren’t even here last Christmas!
FB: Then who was sitting on my lap?
LD Must have been someone famous. That’s the only kind of people you seem to know.
FB: Oh, that’s right, it was Britney Spears. I told that girl to go put some undergarments on. All I felt on my bare knee was skin.
LD Wait a minute! What was your knee doing bare if you were playing Santa at a Christmas party?
FB: Who said anything about playing Santa?
LD Oh! And Carl Wayne has just hit Cletus Beauchamp with a running lariat that I was sure would send him over the top rope, but this man is unbelievable. He is standing as still as an oak tree in a forest of evergreen trees.
FB: Meanwhile, Lee Jackson is taking it to Junior. He is nailing him with a series of rights and pushing him back into the corner. He goes for a shoulder to the mid-section…
LD Which Junior ducks and lets Lee hit the ring post with his shoulder. Junior pulls Lee down and begins the Hillbilly Jam, kicking him in the midsection and clapping in time!
FB: In time for what?
LD The beat! In time with the beat! Whoo, you are an idiot, aren’t you?
FB: I’d rebut here, but Trent and Carl Wayne are both working on Cletus now, lifting a leg at a time over the rope. Carl keeps working, as Trent peels off and rebounds from the ropes, heading back toward Cletus and Carl Wayne. Trent nails Carl Wayne, who topples over the rope with Cletus Beauchamp.
LD We have a double elimination!
FB: No! Carl Wayne held on to the rope. He slides back in as Trent walks over to help Junior.
Carl Wayne stops Trent and, what is this? He is motioning that he and Junior want to dispose of Lee Jackson.
FB: Trent is staring Carl Wayne down. He shrugs and heads back to the corner! He sits down as Carl Wayne is motioning to the crowd! The fans are working into a frenzy!
FB: Kinda like I worked your wife last weekend!
LD: Oh, sick, even I wouldn’t work my own wife.
FB And that is very, very, sad.
LD: Carl Wayne and Junior have Lee Jackson in a double headlock. They pick him up onto their shoulders…What the hell are they thinking? Do they want to end his career?
FB I think they want to eliminate him, and that is exactly what they do as they double powerbomb him out of the ring. He lands hard on the concrete and is holding his head.
LD: Carl Wayne and Junior are celebrating like they just won the tag titles. Junior calls for a beer from the ring announcer who oblidges! Carl Wayne is calling for and receives a beer!
FB: Trent is standing up. Wait a minute fans, this match isn’t over! What is this? Trent is calling for a beer! The three of them are popping the top! They are celebrating! This isn’t right! We have to have a clear cut winner! There can’t be three Mr. Hog Wilds!
LD I guess there could be, but they’d only take home about $3,333.33 a piece.
FB: That would be horrible.
LD No, that would be a screw job to every wrestler who competed here tonight, and to every fan who bought a ticket.
FB: Then that is a wonderful idea! Goodnight, folks.
LD Not so fast my friend. Trent is whispering in Carl Wayne’s ear and the smile has disappeared from his face. He shoves Trent away, and Junior gets mad.
FB: He’s dropping his beer and heading for Trent.
LD But Carl Wayne nails him in the back of the head with a huge forearm, laying Junior out!
FB: Carl Wayne picks Junior up and sets his head between Carl Wayne’s legs. He delivers the Redneck Spike! No one gets up from that!
LD Has Trent just dissolved White Trash? Is this what Trent’s big plan was?
FB: I thought he wasn’t going to have a plan, just play it by ear! I told you that he’s playing an angle.
LD No, you said even the therapist doesn’t know if he’s sane or crazy, and he could still be crazy.
FB: Well, crazy or not, Carl Wayne has turned toward Trent and lifts Junior back to his feet. He places Junior’s head between his legs again!
LD Not another one, I don’t think he could survive another one.
FB: He lifts Junior up for a powerbomb and heads for Trent!
LD He tosses Junior toward Trent, who sidesteps, letting Junior crash down on Cletus. Junior has been eliminated.
FB: Sarah Anne Baker-Smith runs to check on Junior. She hops up on the ring apron and is screaming at Carl Wayne.
LD Yeah, but Carl Wayne better stay focused on Trent.
FB: Carl Wayne rushes Trent, backing him into the corner near Sarah Anne.
LD But Sarah Anne has grabbed Carl Wayne’s hair! He slaps her, and she falls to the floor!
FB: Trent pushes Carl Wayne back. He moves to the middle of the ring. Carl Wayne jumps at Trent, who sidesteps sharply and slaps Carl Wayne in the face.
LD The two men are now staring each other down. Carl Wayne flinches first, and Trent bites, kicking him hard in the midsection.
FB:: I think we’ve seen this before! He is setting him up and he landed the Flying Lesson!
LD Carl Wayne hops back up! It’s like it didn’t phase him. He sends Trent to the ropes…
FB: No, Trent reverses and sends Carl Wayne to the ropes. Carl Wayne hooks the ropes and has a death grip on them. Trent is trying to pry his fingers from the ropes. He gets one hand, but when he goes for the other, Carl Wayne reattaches the free hand.
LD This could go on all night.
FB: I hope not. I’m meeting Tyra Banks for mimosas down at the club later!
LD What club? She doesn’t even hang out in Arkansas.
FB: Duh, that’s why I’m flying to New York.
LD I think the only place you’ll be flying is home to catch that date with Rosemary Palmer and her five friends.
FB: I’m sure Tyra has some friends she can get the hookup on that. Thanks for the idea Floyd!
LD You give her any name you want to, it’s still just your right hand.
FB: Left. Er, um, yeah, now Trent has shifted tactics and is lifting Carl by his feet. Junior reaches up AND GRABS HIS HAIR!
LD Junior is pulling on Carl’s hair as Trent is pushing his legs. Warlock has come over and is HELPING JUNIOR ELIMINATE HIS TAG PARTNER!
FB: Trent gives one final push with all his energy and HE DID IT! TRENT RAVEN IS THE FIRST EVER MR. HOG WILD!
LD Wow, what a matchup! The competition was fierce, but Trent Raven has shown that he is the last man standing, and more importantly, he wins the $10,000 cash and here comes Clint Stoerner to award him the trophy.
TG: Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the ring, CLINT STOERNER!
The fans erupt into a full on round of applause and cheers. It takes a few moments for the crowd to die down before Clint can speak.
CS: Trent Raven, I am happy to present to you the first ever Mr. Hog Wild trophy and your $10,000 cash prize. Congratulations Trent, you fought a good match.
FB He didn’t really eliminate anyone.
LD: All that matters is the end result, my friend.
FB I beg to differ, and you aren’t my friend.
LD: You are until the cameras fade, it’s in your contract.
FB:Stupid contracts.
LD: Up next fans, we have a very exciting contest…whoa, hold on a minute!
Clint Stoerner is waving to the cheering fans, whose cheers soon turn into screams as a flash that is BIG RED can be seen running to the ring! Stoerner turns around and is waylayed by Big Red, who catches him with a right hand that sends Clint flopping to the mat.
LD: What in the world is going on here?
FB: Same thing that happened when he had to play behind that terrible Hog o-line - he got dropped! Hahahahaha!!!
Pandemonium is ensuing in the ring, and charging from the back is Franky Higgs, Rip Evers in tow. Behind them is a briskly walking AJ Supreme.
FH: Stop that man, Daddy!
Suddenly, the lights go out. A big struggle is heard, and shrieks fill the arena. Suddenly the lights turn on. While Clint Stoerner is now on his feet and massaging his jaw, Rip Evers, panting, has the fake Big Red in a front facelock and is punching him in the head.
FH: He can’t feel that, you idiot! He’s got a giant plush head!
AJS: Clint, are you ok?
CS: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.
FH: Have no fear, boss. I told ya Ol’ Franky would get him, and here he is. Want me to go take him out back and beat the dog out of ‘im?
AJS: No, Franky, I don’t. We owe it to these fans to reveal whatever sick individual would do something like this to the company I built for all of us!
FH: No sweat, Daddy, have it your way. Now, if you’ll pardon me, let me take this mask off to reveal this no-good bastard as....
The crowd audibly gasps as the Big Red head is removed, and are stunned as its....
LD: KIP REEVES?!
Reeves, eyes barely open, hiccups and lays his head down on the mat. Higgs kicks him a few times in the ribs until Supreme pulls him off.
FB: REEVES?! REEVES?! YOU GOTTA BE [CENSORED}IN’ ME!! You have got to be [CENSORED] [CENSORED]IN’ ME!!
AJ’s eyes widen as Higgs smiles, pleased with himself. Security comes in and drags the half-in-the-bag Reeves out of the ring.
AJS: Well, Clint, I’m real sorry that you were hurt, but we can say that the Fake Big Red is finally apprehended. Kip Reeves, you are hereby terminated immediately. Good job, Franky.
FH: Anytime, Daddy, anytime!
The camera zooms in on a row of fans in shock, then fades.
[COMMERCIAL - GOODY’S - GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU!]
Cameras fade in on the announce team.
LD: Welcome back fans, and if we’re a little quiet right now, we’re still in shock that Kip Reeves has been revealed as the Fake Big Red.
FB: Great work by Higgs and company. I never doubted them for a minute, you know. The fact it’s Reeves is no surprise!
LD: Hmmm, that’s not what you said a few minutes ago, and thank God for the TV 7 second delay.
FB: Oh yeah? Well thank God for your 7 dollar toupee!
LD: Put on a front all you want Floyd, but this whole thing still doesn’t make sense. Reeves as a cunning opportunist? Something smells rotten here.
FB: It’s probably Reeves you smell. Did you get a whiff of him a few minutes ago? He smelled like a Wild Turkey factory! It smelled through the costume, too.
LD: Well fans, we’re ready for our semi-main event. Let’s go to the action!
Camera pans to the ring. Trip Gordan and Butch Fitzpatrick are already inside.
TG: Fans, the following contest is a three way match up, scheduled for one fall. The winner will be the first ever RCW Natural Champion!!! Coming down to ringside, representing Alpha Storm.....ARESSSSSS!!!
"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails plays and Ares walks down and into the ring.
TG: And his opponent, escorted to the ring by his brother, Adam....BROCKKKKK....DAVIDSSSSSS!!
Down With The Sickness by Disturbed begins playing and a couple moments later The Trench Coat Mafia walks out, each holding a kendo stick with one hand over their head. The two then walk down to the ring at a moderate pace before sliding in. They each set their kendo sticks down in a corner, climb up the turnbuckle and raise their hands over their head. They drop down off the turnbuckle, remove their trench coats and put them in a pile outside the ring.
TG: And their opponent...headed to the ring joined by the lovely Samantha...here is...ISAAC...COMMMMMMELIGHTLYYYYYYY!!!!
The arena goes black as "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe is queued up and the fans respond to seeing Isaac Comelightly walk out with his manager/wife Samantha. The screens either side on the entranceway show a mix of the music video and Isaac Comelightly's previous achievements as Isaac and Samantha acknowledge the crowd, slapping hands and leanign itno the crowd to have pictures taken on cell phones and digital cameras. They make their way down to ringside as Isaac holds the ropes open for Samantha before climbing to the top turnbuckle to acknowledge the crowd before springing down to the canvas to recieve and good luck kiss from his wife.
LD: Here we go, the big Natural Title Match.
FB: Sure is, and you know who will be the first champ? Isaac Comelightly. Now I know, some of the stuff that he does disgusts me, but he's got quite a mean streak and I look to see it in this match.
LD: Well, I think Ares will pick this win up. Brock is too tired from his match earlier and Isaac isn't physically as good as Ares.
The bell rings and the match starts. Ares and Isaac have a short discussion and they decide to team up against Brock and indeed they do. Ares clubs away at him while Isaac uses sharp kicks. Brock, having already been in a match is tired and can barely resist. Issac then goes to choke Brock with his boot, but Ares comes up from behind him and executes a release German Suplex, sending him almost halfway across the ring.
LD: There will be no alliances here.
FB: I don't know about that. Back in my day I formed plenty of fake alliances in matches like this, and then took out the man I had just made an alliance with a couple of seconds later.
LD: That's because you are a disgusting human being.
FB: No, it's because I'm smart.
Ares looks over the two temporarily downed targets and decides to continue an assault on Brock Davids. He drags him away from the ropes and then looks to go for some type of submission.
LD: He's locked in the sharpshooter! It could be over right here!
FB: Calm down, I'm sure Brock will escape.
But Brock doesn't escape. Instead, Isaac clubs Ares over the head with a forearm, succesfully breaking up the submission attempt. Isaac, instead of going after Ares, kneels down and puts Brock into a modified ankle lock. Again, Brock doesn't get out of it. Instead, Ares delivers a knee to Issac's head, causing him to release the hold and stumble backwards.
FB: It's like their fighting over who gets to beat up Brock Davids.
Issac regroups and pleads with Ares to once again team up together to work on Davids. Just as Ares turns his back, Comelightly runs up behind him and puts him into a small package.
LD: One...two...kick out. Issac's dirty attempt at a win fails.
Issac quickly gets up, as does an angry Ares. The two have a staredown before they have a slap across the chest competition. Ares slaps Issac, Issac slaps Ares. Each man has very devistating chops. Then, Ares drops Issac to the mat with a huge chop that could be heard throughtout the entire arena. During the chop fest, Brock Davids had returned to his feet and as soons as it ended, he comes up behind Ares and puts him in a torture rack.
LD: One of the most devistating moves ever created.
FB: It doesn't look very devistating.
LD: Why sure it does.
FB: It looks like he just has him on his shoulders and hes slightly hopping up and down.
Seeing as Ares refuses to tap, Brock decides to release the move, but he doesn't just release it. He changes it into a spinning torture rack neckbreaker, and a devistating one at that. With Ares down, Brock decides to try and get a quick pin.
LD: One...two...th...kick out.
Issac gets up and baseball slide kicks Brock out of the ring. Then, he pulls up Ares by his hair and delivers a swinging neckbreaker. He then gets up quickly and backs to one side of the rings ropes. Finally, he takes off and leaps over the top rope, splashing onto Brock on the outside.
LD: What a move by Issac!
FB: I told you he would be in it to win it.
While the ref checks on Ares in the ring, Adam Davids decides to take advantage. He picks up his kendo stick, walks over to Issac Comelightly, and takes a swing. Unfortunately for him, Isaac dodges the attack and rips the kendo stick away from him. Adam charges at Issac and Issac drops the kendo stick and reverses the attack, sending Adam into the steel barrier.
LD: Issac is really impressive here.
FB: My picks never lose.
Issac then hops up on the steel steps, looking to do some kind of semi-aerial move to Brock Davids, but just as he leaps, Brock moves out of the way, causing Comelightly to go into the ring apron chin first. Brock slides back into the ring, leaving Issac on the outside.
LD: It would be smart if Ares or Davids attempted to get a quick pin here while it is practically a one on one match.
FB: It would be smart but it is not going to happen.
Brock and Ares battle for several minutes, with Ares being in control for the most part. On the outside, Adam gets away with a couple of sneaky attacks on Issac, including his finishing move, "The Assassinator" and a kendo stick over the head. On the inside, Brock finally takes control and hip tosses Ares over the top rope to the side nearest the entrance ramp. On the outside, Adam rolls in Comelightly and Brock goes for the quick pin on his dazed opponent.
LD: One...two...thr...no!
With the nearfall, Brock gets up and pulls Issac up with him. The two then continue to battle for a minute or two until Issac finds himself on the top rope, waiting for a change to execute his finisher. Finally, he sees the oppurtunity but Brock catches him. With Issac up on his shoulders, Davids walks around the ring. Then, out of nowhere, he delivers a devistating Brock Bomb. He goes for the pin.
FB: One...two...
LD: Ares slides in the ring to attempt to break it up...
FB: Three!
LD: Brock Davids is the first ever Natural Champion!
Adam slides into the ring quickly and delivers a stiff "Assassinator" to Ares jaw, causing him to fall back out of the ring. Then, Brock tosses Issac Comelightly to the outside of the ring. The two Davids Brothers put on their trench coats and celebrate in the ring.
TG: Here is your winner, and new RCW Natural Champion....BROCK.....DAVIDS!!!!
RCW cameras fade.
[COMMERCIAL - MARK MARTIN FORD MERCURY - GET BEHIND THE WHEEL FOR A STEAL!]
Camera fades into Daley & Boyd.
LD: Fans, we’re just about ready for our main event, but I understand our colleague Bettie Lee Rose is hot on the trail of some news in the back. Let’s take it to her!
FB: Man would I like to take...
Cameras fade to the back. Bettie Lee is chasing after a scrambling Rip Evers, making a bee line for the wrestler’s parking lot with a large plastic bag he is struggling to carry.
BLR: Rip, Rip Evers! Wait! You aren’t going to stay to watch the main event for the RCW Southern Heritage Title?
RE: Nope, wish I could, but I got a long ride back to Pecos, and I have to make a quick stop first!
BLR: I saw you just moments ago leaving Franky Higgs’ office. Care to tell us what that was all about?
RE: Sorry, that’s confidential.
BLR: Aren’t you even going to wait for Cletus? Don’t you two travel together?
RE: No time. Now listen, I gotta ske-daddle!
BLR: Wait! Rip! Hey hey hey!!
But Evers zips into his car and drives away, so fast he doesn’t do a good job securing the plastic sack he tosses in the passenger’s side, and something flies out into the road. The camera zooms on the discarded item....a giant, furry, red paw. Bettie Lee looks shocked.
BLR: Oh...my....word....
Camera pans back to the announce table.
LD: Red? But...but...but...
FB: Like big butts, do ya, Daley? I’ll tell my friend Sir Mix-a-lot!
LD: Fans, I’m not sure what this means, but no time for speculation now, let’s take it to our main event!
***RCW SOUTHERN HERITAGE TITLE TOURNAMENT FINAL - THE PHIL vs. TOOSEXY***
The stage was set. With special guest Todd Day present to award the RCW Southern Heritage Title to the winner, the suspense was at an all time high. And the first fifteen minutes of this match was all any RCW fan could’ve hoped for. TooSexy turned in a performance that harkened back to his heyday, and The Phil playing the crafty foil. Unfortunately, the end of the match turned out to be the most controversial in RCW history.
After several minutes of back-and-forth action, The Phil had the upper hand, and a special boost in the presence of Joe Higashi at ringside. TooSexy was a game competitor, but he found himself trapped in the Knot of Pain, The Phil’s favorite submission move. Fans rallied TooSexy to break the hold, but it seemed to no avail. Then what no one had expected happened.
RCW Commish “Fast” Franky Higgs, who has been seen previously conversing with Phil, came down, seemingly to observe the crowning of the champion in person. He lit up one of his cigars as a token of victory for Joe Higashi. Higashi, not one to count his chickens prior to hatching, declined, not wanting to jinx anything until the fat lady sang. Higgs shrugged, took a quick puff, and left the cigar in the corner, ready for whenever Higashi was.
Then it happened. TooSexy, feuled by the resounding cheers of encouragement from the fans, and maybe even by Higgs considering him down and out, fought back. In doing so, he became one of the very, very few to ever escape the dreaded Knot of Pain. His second wind now fully on the upswing, TooSexy mounted a comeback of thundering blows, staggering Phil. However, things would soon take a dark turn.
TooSexy was almost there. So close to a shocking comeback. Then it happened. TooSexy attempted an Irish Whip on Phil, possibly setting up for the SuperSexy Superkick. But Phil, the crafty veteran, was able to reverse it. In what seemed like a flash, TooSexy bounded off the ropes, The Phil was able to execute a leg sweep. It’s a routing move any other time.
Any other time, however, there’s not a lit cigar in the corner.
The crowd gasped as TooSexy went face first, causing embers to fly. As he clutched his eye in agonizing pain, Phil clutched TooSexy, hit his dreaded Zero Hour, and made the elementary at this point pin, gaining the victory.
The crowd erupted in boos and a showed of garbage hit the ring as Phil celebrated. A disgusted Todd Day simply flung the title at Phil’s feet and walked away. Medics attended to TooSexy, but who knows what permanent effect this might have on the wrestling legend.
WINNER: THE PHIL 17:09
Camera pans to the announce table.
LD: Fans, I know we had fun, but I’m sure everyone here is deeply concerned about the condition of TooSexy. I assure you, when we know something, you’ll know something. For Floyd Boyd, this is Lester Daley. So long, and God Bless.
RCW cameras fade.