STAMPEDE DECLARED “DISASTER”

                Austin, TX(Reuters)- Texas Stamped owner Robert Arnwine today has officially declared his team as a natural disaster. 

            “Today I stand here thoroughly embarrassed by this team.  I own all the Stampede fans everywhere an apology because this team sucks.  It will take a miracle for this team to win a championship and I don’t think these players have the testicular fortitude to deliver.”

            After making the short statement, Robert charged off the stage and proceeded to immediately fire his GM, Cliff Gustafson, who he described as “past his time.”  Dick Howser was also fired because Robert said that he needed a manager who was actually “alive.”

            Nolan Ryan was then promoted to the manager position.  “Given the injuries that we have had in our pitching staff and poor manager decisions with our pitchers, I am pleased with what Nolan has been able to teach them.  The choice was between Nolan and Dale and basically Dale understood that his guys have not produced and therefore he was not chosen.  Dale will stay around and continue to help our hitters.”

            Steve Carlton was brought on as the new pitching coach and OJ Simpson was hired on as the new GM.  “You have to like OJ because he has a killer instict which this team lacks.”.

            The reaction from the team was one of nervousness.  Richard Hidalgo was quoted as saying, “If I had known that Dickie was going to get the ax then I might not have sucked so bad ALL year.”  Too many players to name also agreed with that sentiment.

            Robert then returned to the podium and declared that he would still trade his whole team for a date, but until then the Stampede from this day forward will never be the same.