SUBSTANCE ABUSE DISCOVERED IN FRIENDS LEAGUE

RUSSELLVILLE -- Jessie Ventura, manager of the Russellville Courthouse Junkies, reported a majority of his players were under the affects of an addictive chemical -- Colt 45 Malt Liquor. Ventura made the announcement before it was to be exposed in next week's Sports Illustrated.

"I noticed something was wrong when my players were a little too happy before the games," Ventura said. "Also, I noticed Juan Pierre shaking his lizard out in center field during the seventh inning stretch."

The player with the biggest problem was thought to be Jose Mesa. In an unrelated matter, Kazuhiro Sasaki tested positive for soy sauce.

For assistance with the problem, Ventura has hired Billy D. Williams to be the Junkies' bench coach for the remainder of the year.