ROGERS TO STAY IN THE COURTHOUSE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

For more information, contact A.C. Slater, media relations director for Courthouse Junkies.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Courthouse Junkies manager Richard Belding announced he would not be trading Kenny Rogers despite numerous attempts by league members to trade for him.

At a press conference Friday, Belding sobbingly compared Rogers to the son he never had, before he was quickly reminded that he had a son. He then compared Rogers to his son. 

"Although several teams in the league have asked, and in some cases begged for Kenny, he is not now and never has been on the trading block," Belding said, hinting nemesis D. Dan Shoptaw had contacted him to trade the slumping but steroid-induced Mark McGwire for Rogers. "All my players are 100 percent natural."

Along with his pitching talents -- he beat the crap out of the Angels this week -- Rogers can cary a tune and often leads teammates in song in the clubhouse. The Gambler is a personal favorite of teammate David Wells.

"Kenny is the only player on the team who is trade-proof," Belding said. "He is not only a member of the Courthouse Junkies -- he is the Courthouse Junkies. I know Kenny Rogers. Kenny Rogers is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Kenny Rogers.

"To know him is to love him," Belding continued. "I must be one Hell of a fan. Oh lord, it's hard to be humble. To be a Kenny Rogers Fan!!"

Asked if he planned to steal Rogers anytime soon, competing owner Andy Stroud would not comment. 

"Ever since that darn (world famous videographer) Scott Hinterthuer has been guarding his team, I can't steal any players off the Courthouse Junkies," Stroud said.

Rogers' teammate, Robb Nen, presented Rogers with a fruit basket Friday after learning team officials would not give in to offers from other teams and trade Rogers. Word that Rogers would not be traded spread throughout the league, with league owners cringing in fear and hatred.

"Kenny Rogers makes my team look like crap," one team owner was overheard as saying.