COMMISH DEALS WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Abusers found throughout team, league

     Russellville, AR (AP)--In a press conference held at Friends League Baseball offices today, Commissioner Shoptaw dealt with the recent spat of stories of substance abuse in the league, while admitting that his team was not immune to the scandal.

     "As you all know, substance abuse has run rampant throughout FLB," Shoptaw stated.  "The Courthouse Junkies lived up to their name by using Colt 45, Slug Sauce was literally on the sauce, Big Mac style, and the Texas Tornados have been dealing in Kool-Aid."

     "These tragedies are not alone.  Today, I must inform you that the Padawan Learners have also fallen victim.  Apparently, there are some players that have been dabbling in the Dark Side.  Symptoms include increased anger, Force lightening, and heavy breathing.  Worst offenders appear to be Kaz Ishii, who has been traded due to his part in the scandal, Javy Lopez and Rich Aurilia."

     The commissioner continued, "However, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that my players have been using the Dark Side for performance enhancement.  The proof of that is in their performance, which has consistently sucked.  My players may be evil, but they're not stupid.  If it would enhance their performance, they'd be doing a heck of a lot better."

     Shoptaw waved aside reports of Andruw Jones using the Force to aid his home runs.  "I just wish Kerry Wood could use it to mess with umpire minds.  I'd like to see some of those balls called strikes."

     Asked what he was going to do about this league-wide problem, Shoptaw shrugged.  "If Andy's not winning, why mess with it?"