McDonald
was surprised to find out that over half of his players were found to be
addicted to Big Mac Sauce or "the juice" as it is commonly called.
McDonald said that his investigation revealed players were smuggling the
substance into the clubhouse in paper sacks bearing the "McDonald's"
logo. McDonald stated that 2B Bret Boone's failure to ask an adoring fan,
"Do you want fries with that autograph?" led him to believe the
second baseman had the most serious problem. McDonald found the cesspool to be
deeper than he suspected when former players Damian Miller and Tim Salmon
admitted to taking the juice through IVs after games. "I don't understand
it," McDonald stated, "that crap is for those cheap bastards who
can't afford a real hamburger. That whore Wendy must have something to do with
it."
In a related story, Slug Sauce trainer Grimace has been fired. Apparently, while repairing pitcher Kevin Brown's elbow in the off-season, he replaced the ace's entire elbow with a Six-piece McNugget. The trainer claims stress related to allegations that he was romantically involved with the gay dinosaur "Barney" led to his poor performance.