(AKA CANTONESE-STYLE FIGHTING FOR CHECKS)
Anyhow, one day, he invited the monks to eat at a particularly bad hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Taishan county. The monks, being courteous, could not turn down such a generous offer. Wo Mai Dan then proceeded to order the worst food the place had to offer. The monks politely declined to eat. Wo Mai Dan, sensing imminent defeat of his dastardly plan, offered to pay for the entire meal. Now if he had done this, the other monks would have been deeply embarrassed and humiliated, so they counter-offered to pay.
Wo Mai Dan was not to be outdone. To get the check from the waiter, he ran past the gauntlet of monks, who beat him mercilessly as he passed. But Wo Mai Dan endured the blows and grabbed the check. After he paid for it, the other monks sat dejected at the table. Wo Mai Dan gleefully went back and began eating the vile food. Defeated, the other monks had no choice but to match him bite for bite in order to save face. None of them could match Wo Mai Dan's Iron Stomach Kung Fu, so they all got sick and left the restaurant in disgrace, never to bother him again.
To this day, the Cantonese honor Wo Mai Dan by fighting for the check. I've outlined some techniques that may prove useful to you should you ever decide to fight for the check.
1. One way to ensure that you'll get the check is to sit all your family members close to the main aisle. Preferably, all your guests should sit with their seats next to a wall or another occupied table. This keeps them from leaving to get the check.
2. Sometimes, this doesn't work, so you need to ask the server for the check when your guests are not looking. Beware: your guests may be watching for this and insist that they follow you when you leave the table. In this case, if you have a young child, casually mention that you need to take him/her to a restroom. If you don't have a young child, borrow one from a neighboring table. Just tell them you are trying to reach the server so you can pay for the check. They will understand.
3. If your guests ever leave the table, follow them. If they get within five feet of a server or cash register, tackle them.
4. Sometimes, clever guests will set their cell phone alarms to go off at a certain time during the meal. They'll pretend it's a business call and leave the table. In reality, they are trying to pay the bill (see step #2 above). There are two ways around this:
A. Call their cell phone immediately. If it rings while they seem to be using it, you can be sure it's not a real business call. This also really messes up their minds.
B. Program your own cell phone to do the same thing and follow them. See step #3 above.
5. When the check is brought to the table, they may insist loudly to the server that they want to pay for the check. If you have done this correctly and seated them away from the main aisle, this shouldn't be a problem. However, if this isn't the case, then you need to play hardball. Here are your choices in increasing order of intensity:
A. Grab the check yourself.
B. Have one of your family members grab the check.
C. If the server can't decide to whom the check should be given, Use the Weapon of Ultimate Protocol. Exclaim to the server that your guests are from out of town and that you want to treat them (Cantonese custom dictates that out-of-town guests must be treated out to a meal).
7. At this point, the check should be safely in your hands. But if your guests insist on giving money to the server, steal their wallet or purse. Hand it to your other family members, who should keep passing it to other family members until it is safely out of the reach of your guests. Pay the bill.
8. In the worst case scenario, your guest has obtained the check and paid for the meal with a credit card. As the credit card receipt arrives for a signature, this will be the time where they will be feeling smug about having been able to pay the bill. Their guard will be the lowest at this point. As the receipt and credit card arrive, seize both. Give the card to a relative (see step #7 above) and rip up the receipt. Give your guests a gentle, "Tsk, tsk." Promptly give the waiter enough cash to pay for the bill. Your guests will be in such a deep state of shock that they'll be absolutely speechless.
[Authors note: Believe it or not, this actually happened to my relatives.]
9. Return any relocated wallets, purses, and/or credit cards. Smile politely when they say the next meal will be their treat....