US ON HOCKEY
Thumper: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is your fairy godmother
Bambi: (shoving Thumper) (whispering) Psst, wrong show!
Thumper: (thinking) Oh.....uh......oh.....Oh yeah! Hi! I'm thumper, and this is Bambi, and we're here to tell you about the game of hockey.
(Thumper and Bambi sit)
Bambi: Congratulations to Thumper for making the All City Hockey Team
Thumper: Thank you, thanx very much, thank you, th.......
Bambi: (nudging Thumper) Enough already! (faces camera) Challenging
Thumper: Competitive
Both: Fun
Bambi: These words describe one of the fastest, hardest hitting sports in the world.
Both: Hockey!!!
Bambi: Although it is not recognized as one of the top three sports, it is very much worths of such accolades.
Thumper: Whatever the hell that means.
Bambi: So anyways, hockey kicks ass, in a manner of speaking.
Thumper: While we're on the subject of ass, men in breezers have the cutest butts! But that's just one of my sexual hangups.
Bambi: Back to the subject at hand...
(Thumper shoves Bambi to interrupt.)
Thumper: Speaking of hands, have you ever noticed.....oh never mind. Men waving their sticks in the air just turn me on! A man and his stick....
Bambi: (interuppting) Stop! This is getting a little too far off the subject.
Thumper: To make a long story short....
Bambi: (interuppting) Really there is nothing short about any hockey player.
Thumper: ......anyway, Luc Robitaille can high stick me any day.
(Thumper and Bambi look at each other)
Bambi: But enough of wandering off the real subject. Although you have to admit that there is nothing more beautiful than a hockey player flying across the ice.
Thumper: Yes, whether you have a front, or a rear view. I prefer a rear view.
Bambi: At times you wish you were the ice, and that it was you that they were gracefully gliding all over. Hockey is a game of timing and skill.....
Thumper: (interuppting) So is getting a player into bed.
Bambi: But that's all beside the point.
Thumper: But it is a bitch because most of them give you a hard time at first.
Bambi: Speaking of most of them, did you hear about the recent incident in Canada about a full team taking mandatory AIDS tests?
Thumper: (looking at Bambi) You know, just because we had one night of fun doesn't mean that I gave them anything. I mean, they all wore love gloves.
Bambi: I guess the coach is slightly paranoid. (thoughtful pause) Makes you wonder exactly why.
Thumper: The object of the game of hockey is to score.....
Bambi: (interuppting) But then the same is true of my sex life.
Thumper: .......by putting a thick black rubber object between the legs of the goalie.
Bambi: Gretzky seems to enjoy doing that to both the oposing goalie and his own goalie.
Both: Go Gretzky.
Thumper: It must be one of his sexual hang ups.
Bambi: They don't call him the great one for nothing. (thoughtful pause) Why exactly DO they call him the great one?
Thumper: Oooooh! Good question.
Bambi: Unfortunately I won't find out.
Thumper: At least not anytime soon. I've always enjoyed lining up on face offs. All those men bent over, just screaming for a good....(looks at Bambi, who's looking back at him with narrowed eyes).....oh never mind. Not to mention after game showers.
Bambi: That's one of my favorites too.
Thumper: All those sweaty bodies in one place....
Bambi: (interjecting) Not to mention naked.
Thumper: ....hovering around ME!!!
Both: (sighing) Oh life is good!
Thmper: But then so were the Calgary Flames.
Bambi: But again HE wanders. Hockey is much more than just MEN!
Thumper: That's right. It's a hell of a lot of GORGEOUS men! But there's entirely too much violence in hockey. They should save all that energy and aggression for me!
Bambi: In the bedroom....
Thumper: Not the arena! Although.....a good roll on the ice might be fun.
Bambi: YOu're such a tramp!
Thumper: Funny, that's what Brett said too!
Bambi: Back to the subject. There's a gently, almost loving way they hold their sticks.....
Thumper: I can think of better things for them to hold.
Bambi: But that's besides the point.
Thumper: But all the best things are besdies the point, and besides my best friend. He always gets the good ones. (thoughtful pause) But I'll get the great one (another thoughtful pause) AND his brothers!
Bambi: Now that you've brought it up, the great should run in the family. While we're on the subject of the greats......
Thumper: Just why is Lemieux called Super:?
Bambi: It could be the way he handles his playing tools.
Thumper: What about his other tool?
Bambi: We've just got to get off this subject.
Thumper: Speaking of getting off.....
Bambi: (interuppting) Shut up! We're here to do a commentary about hockey, NOT your sex life!
Thumper: (bashfully) Okay! I'm sorry.
Bambi: Truly, hockey is a great sport. One must be extremely skilled to perform in such a manner.
Thumper: On AND off the ice! Speaking of getting off....(looks at Bambi)...there I go again. Sorry, my mistake!
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