Deep Thoughts

By Jack Handey

These are a bunch of the Deep Thoughts that I liked...

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut ont he moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

If you're in the war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and whule they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

It's true every time you hear a bell, an angel gets it's wings. But what they don't tell you is, everytime you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody flying forward into the future, it's probably best to aviod eye contact.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then at night they burned the wheel on fire.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge other. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

The big, huge meteor headed town Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor -- through some kind of a space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that metero away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm vine man."

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What? What?" I would yell back, but he never did speak english.

How come the dove get's to be the peace symbol? How about pillows? It has more feathers then the dove, and it doesn't have the dangerous beak.

What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

I'm telling you, just attach a big paracute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and dp whatever you want, it's okay by me."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Love is not something you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called a Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Here's a good tip for you when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me they don't taste like it.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caugh inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

Once when I was in Hawaii, one the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go and play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Is there anything more beautiful then a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit eachother.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

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