sotw2

�First things first - Raxel is an individual, except for the fact I make him do some of the stuff he does - so if he goes out with Tifa or any female (or male - eg, Cloud!) it�s not me! Also Axie is a female cyborg character who is a friend of my character - RaxBlade, author�

Sunday - �Things to do today - Check stocks, tidy up the Crater - Concert tomorrow�
(The scene is morning in the Northern Crater - Sephiroth lies in bed, with a night-cap on reading the �Midgar times - Sunday edition�)

Sephiroth -Lets see how my stocks are doing........ Squaresoft - Up 20 points! Yes, I can finally buy a villa in Costa del Sol!   (Gets out of bed and walks up from the centre of the planet to the door to pick up his mail)

Dark Dragon - Rooarr! (Sephiroth feeds it and tickles its belly)

Sephiroth - Mmmm, my tickets for Aerosmith have come! (Reads the letter) Oh no! Brittany Spears is singing with them!   Oh, I also have an invitation to a party that Cloud and Aeris is holding, I�ll have to RSPV it...... (Feeds his Marlboro plant)

Sephiroth - (doing the housework, in his black apron, listening to Aerosmith on his stereo)   Don�t wanna close my eyes.... Look, a MegaAll materia - Cloud must�ve dropped it from his weapon last time he killed me (throws it aside - his PHS rings)

Cloud - Hey Seph, you wanna play a game of soccer? I got a few friends from various games, and some of them (Laura Croft!) want your autograph - Oh yeah, did I drop my MegaAll when I was in your cave?

Seph- ......................No..............(Grins stupidly like the Chesire cat as he remembers those nude pics Cait and he found of Laura Croft on the internet!)

Cloud - You playin� ? Meet us outside Kalm - See ya! Bye!

Seph - (Does that cool teleport move - Seph teleports to Kalm)

***********************************************************************************************************

Cloud -(To assembled teams) So its like this: On team FF, we have Cait in goal - Ruby, Emerald, Diamond and Ultimate as defenders, Tifa, Aeris, Johnny and Cid as midfield and me, Sephiroth and Barret as strikers

Raxel -(My character - and yes, I do know its a shameless appearance!) And on my team I have Axie in goal, Metal Gear Rex, Viper II, Bal Bas Bow (from Virtual On) and the Biohazard (My mech!) as defence - Laura, Sonic, Crash and Honey are midfield and me, Wolf (from VF3) and Picky (from Fighting Vipers) are strikers

Seph - (Whining) I wanna be a midfielder! (Tifa belts him across the head with her Master Fist, shutting him up - Seph hopes the author will give him a shot at her)

Raxel - (the Author) Sorry, but I like her, instead I�ll kill Hojo!

Hojo - Eeep! [Thud!] (A huge anvil materialises above him and falls on top of him!)

Seph - Thanks, I had to kill something soon.......(Aeris looks worried!)

Aeris - (clips Raxel over the head because �its always Tifa�)

Raxel - (types something and a suddenly a huge monster appears and it towers over her and to power up a mega laser shot)

Aeris - (Scared stiff) Sorry Raxel, my Princess guard slipped (gives him 64,000 gil)

Raxel - (Types something and the monster disappears, not before kicking her across the pitch and into a huge vat of toxic waste which mysteriously appears out of the ground!)

Cloud - Hey, don�t do that to Aeris! (Draws Heavens Cloud)

Raxel - (Smiles and types something into his BATC computer - most of team FF is instantly killed!) Don�t disobey my power..........

Seph - (smiling nervously) Looks like my book helped you!

Raxel -Yeah, �Megalomania for beginners� is such a useful book..........

Cloud - (Uses his product he sells on MQVCTV - The instant plot twist - just add water!)

Raxel - Damn, I�ve killed my own team! (there�s the twist!) I�m gonna kill you...(then I decide its too time consuming to think of a new way to kill them, so he storms off)

Seph -(leaves just as a Bahamut Zero beam hits everyone, just after signing Laura�s autograph book - she, Tifa, Honey, Candy and Axie leave with him and hop into his waiting limousine)

Raxel -(laughing while typing) Guess the old ways are the best!

Seph - (To adoring public) See, I�m not just a megalomaniac - I�m also a videogame superstar as well as totally irresistable! (millions of males cry as he kisses Laura as if he was doing some dodgy french love film - this was a small concession as he said he wouldn�t do this story if he didn�t get to kiss her in the back of the limo plus some other bits that by me writing this will let your sick minds do the rest)

Monday - �Things to do - Aerosmith Concert today - take out Leonardo di C(r)aprio if posible and the chance exists - Get Raxel back for letting Tifa off� (An Ultima blast which mysteriously appears knocks him senseless - you don�t mess with the author/Raxel and get away with it! - RS)

(the scene is just outside the gig, with Sephiroth trying to get in past the security guards - Raxel just walks through them and into the stadium - Sephiroth wearing his black leather jacket and T-shirt proclaiming �I love Aerosmith - all the others can f-� (See back of shirt) as well as his jeans and his masamune - thats why he can�t get in!)

Sephiroth - (calling after Raxel) Why you allowed to do that, but I can�t?

Raxel - I�m sort of the author, I can do what I want (types something and 12 supermodels surround him and they all ask him for a date) See?

Sephiroth - If you can, then I can! (rips off Axies BATC from her shoulder and types in something - as that�d kill her, she instantly gets another)

Raxel - (a flying bottle heads towards him) Cheat! (uses instant plot twist)

Sephiroth -[Wham! Smash!] Arrg! (guess who just got hit by the bottle?!)

Sephiroth - (decides he�d better quit while he�s still alive and uses the BATC to walk through the guards, and ends up covered in their lunch) Ugh! (uses instant plot twist)

Guards - (Sephiroth is instantly cleaned up, and the undigested lunch falls onto the guards and the crowd outside)

*******************************************************************

Cloud -(with Tifa and Aeris - Aeris is in punk rocker mode!) Hope you like this as taking both of you has cost me a mastered All materia (1.4 million gil - expensive tickets, wouldn�t you say?)

Tifa -(Wearing an �I luv Brittany� T-shirt that�s tighter than her usual one!) All I came to see was Britanny - anyway, what was the other band called?

Aeris - (With bright pink Cloud-style hair, and black biker leather outfit - Curiously quite common sight at this gig!) Shut up, Aerosmith�ll be on soon!

Sephiroth - (Listening to Britanny - his ears are bleeding!) Oh, my god.......must escape.......must get earplugs.......MUST KILL BRITTANY SPEARS!!! (leaps onto stage)

Brittany - .........Hit me baby one more time!

Sephiroth - Okay! (smacks her off the stage and into a stack of amplifiers)

Brittany -(bleeding and there is metal, Terminator style, under her skin)

Sephiroth - I knew it! She must�ve come from the future to kill us all with her god-awful singing!

Brittany -(fires off a sonic scream) Now everyone knows my true form (boss encounter music starts and the swirly thing happens) Mecha Brittany! (becomes a four storey robot which towers over the WEAPONS - and yes, it is a ripoff of South park�s Mecha-Streisland)

Sephiroth -(Nailed by the Spears spear) Oh crap!

*****************************************Meanwhile.....

Cloud - (making out with Aeris as Tifa has gone to the burger stand) Oh my god, Brittany is an robot! We must kill it.....(Axie, Cloud, Raxel and Aeris rush into the fray)

Sephiroth -Must kill her... save the planet..(puzzled) Damn, I�m being noble - my fans�ll desert me......(Rushes in to slice her to ribbons) I hope this doesn�t last long.......

Cloud - (W-summons Knights) bye, bye!

Raxel - God, that animation gets boring....... Burning blade Special! (Jumps into the air pulls his sword out and swoops down, slicing her sixty times before firing off his containing plasma shot, after which 50 space ion cannons fire at her, blowing her to tiny bloody bits!!)

Sephiroth - Raxel, you�re supposed to let me kill her, after all it is called �Sephiroth�s Holiday�

Raxel - (sighs, sits down and re-writes the ending - ignore last few lines)

*********************************Let's do the time warp again!***************

Cloud - (making out with Aeris as Tifa has gone to the burger stand) Oh my god, Brittany is an robot! We must kill it.....(Axie, Cloud and Aeris rush into the fray, but are stopped by security)
Sephiroth -(Uses Supernova and roasts her)
Aerosmith - (on videoscreen) Help! The Spice Girls, N-sync and Backstreet Boys have kidnapped us - We know they are robots, as is Britanny---(one of the Boys cover the camera)

Spice girls -(pull out coins and do the Power Ranger morphing thing) Giiiiiiiirrrrrlllll Poweeeerrrrrrr!! (tootles on microphone/dagger/flute)

(Deep below the ocean, a gigantic Yuffie robot rises and stomps to the arena and fires off her �annoying little [insert curse describing Yuffie here]cannon�, killing the guards attacking the trio)

******************************************So......whatever!

Sephiroth - Hell, its like Revolution X! (obscure arcade/console game starring Aerosmith)

Cloud - ULTIMA BLAST!!! (W-spells it, wasting all except Ugly, sorry Scary spice)

Sephiroth -Die! MULTISLASH!! (chops Ugly, sorry, Scary, to ribbons ) :-)

(Meanwhile Axie and Aeris have been fighting the BBs in the dressing rooms, ultimately killing them - Mainly via Axies 4 barrelled shotgun and her Biolaser cannon)

Aerosmith - You the guys who killed the robots?

Cloud & Seph - Yup!

Aerosmith - You wanna sing with us?

Cloud & Seph - Hell, yeah!

(So they sing - Cloud on guitar, Raxel beating on the drums, Axie and Aeris dancing/vocals and Sephiroth singing lead, who throws his jacket into the adoring crowd - Aeris pales as she sees what�s written on the back of the T-shirt!)

Sephiroth -Don�t wanna close my eyes, don�t wanna fall asleep................ and I don�t wanna miss a thing �cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do................... and I don�t wanna miss a thiiiiiing....

Cloud - (Starts a mega guitar riff)

Sephiroth - ......Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeaaaah! (accidentally summons Meteor - get it? Meteor - Armageddon? )

Raxel - (Quickly pulls out his BATC and types something - the Meteor summon disappears)

Tifa -(Finally back from the burger stand and sees the corpse of Britanny and the Spice girls, as well as assorted bits of the Backstreet boys![*CENSORED!**CENSORED!**CENSORED!**CENSORED!**CENSORED!*]

Tuesday - �Kill LDC - Visited Cloud in hospital and Tifa in jail (and busted them out- remember, I�m evil?) - Now need to buy new Masamune blade or get it sharpened - Notes: Next tuesday - Meet Aeris at the Forgotten capital - Make sure Masamune is ready�

(The scene is the morning after the Aerosmith party - Sephiroth wakes up in the bar, almost drowning in his spilled Da-cho special, accompanied by the less-drunk, but lipstick covered Raxel Blade)

Sephiroth - (Pulling a pair of female knickers from under him) What the hell are these?!

Raxel - (Sees a name tag) Property of Aeris Gainsborough - Boy, you�re in trouble!

Sephiroth - (Pulls out an instant plot twist and uses his Da-cho special) No I�m not........

***********************************************
(In Midgar, Cloud beats the crap out of Johnny as he had spent the night with Aeris - much to Tifas dissapointment - she was hoping Cloud would kill him!)
************************************************

Raxel - (Pulls out an I luv Brittany T-shirt -guess whose?) Man, I guess this is Tifas!

Sephiroth - Cloud�s gonna kill you! (starts to dance around - Raxel types and an anvil appears and hovers over Sephiroths head)

Raxel - No he won�t........ (Alters the story via his BATC)

Cloud -(Comes downstairs followed by Aeris and Tifa) That was an interesting night - I need an elixer! (where�s Jerry Springer when you need him?)

Raxel - (Feels homicidal so he summons Bahamut Zero and wastes the hapless Johnny several dozen times- Besides he wouldn�t let Raxel (under my control) into the Honeybee inn!)

*Later on at the Northern Crater, Sephy-sama and Raxel are lounging about watching re-runs of Deep impact-the series with Jenova and Lucrecia*

Jenova- Pass the pork rinds son

Lucrecia-I�m his mother!

Jenova- No you�re not - all you are is a stupid plot device!

Lucrecia-How dare you! (Slaps her into the Lifestream below)

Jenova- (Down below)Oh, hi Zack! How�s your mum?

Seph-Mother, don�t pester Zack - the building is about to explode [Boom!]

Raxel-(notices that the TV has changed to a pic of Leo) What? His damn mug is everywhere since the Titanic!! Seph, lets go kill Leo! (phones up Cid, as he notices Walker has been postponed for the planet-wide premiere of the Titanic)

Cid-#@!�#!!!# moron!! I�m gonna get my Venus gospel and give this guy a new a......(Raxel puts reciever down)

Seph(To his mothers, who are busy hurting each other) Bye! (Does the cool teleport move, while Raxel uses his BATC to let Cid and him do the same, picking up Yuffie along the way)

******************************We're off to kill the Leo, the crappy wizard of crap!

LDC - (Singing in the shower - Yuffie follows the group and faints at this)

Seph-Let�s get him! (everyone storms into the room and are stopped by 12 guards with stasers and nightsticks)

Cid-(fiddles with materia) I summon Scarlet! (A dimensional rift opens with loads of pyrotechnics and Scarlet grabs them all and pulls them into her world)

Guards- MOMMMMMMMY! (She then spits them out, bruised, battered and shell-shocked!)

Raxel-Where the hell did you get that?!

Cid-I picked it up after that battle with Proud Clod, but Square told me to hide it as it was too horrible to use as a summon on enemies.......

Raxel-(astounded) Oh! (shuts up)

(The Turks enter, with their cool music)

Elena-We�ve been hired to protect De Caprio (gets a dreamy look on her face.....)

Reno-Don�t be so weak, Elena!

Rude-(Drunk) Hi Cid, Hows �bout you *hic* and me go out fur a night on the tiles *hic, hic!*.......

Cid-(Shoves Venus Gospel in Tsengs face) Get outta here or we�ll summon Scarlet!

(The Turks see the chaos caused by Scarlet and back off)

Raxel-I know! how about I offer you 64000 gil to help us kill him?

Reno-Yeah, I wanted to do that ever since Romeo and Julliet.........

Tseng-.............Fine

Rude-As long as I get booze I�m happy!

Elena-......................................I�m thinking!...............Oh, all right, but I want his autograph and a lock of his hair first!

Cid-Okay, lets mosey

Raxel-Err............Cid?

Cid-Yeah?

Raxel-You do realise that you just said �Lets mosey�, don�t you?

Cid-~###@#!!!#@ Spikey haired #�@@!#! Messing me up!

(Three hours later, when Cid had stopped cursing Cloud, they enter the lair of De Caprio)

Raxel-Watch out for booby traps! (Reno steps on a pad and falls into a pit full of rabid female Leo worshippers (who are all Scarlet clones), who, as it is dark, mistake Reno for De Caprio!)

Reno-(as the girls tear him apart) HELLLLLLLP!

Elena-We must help him as he�s a Turk!

Tseng- Well, you can go down as I�m not risking another good man!

Elena-Sexist pig! (uses Flamethrower on him)

Seph-(To Raxel) It looks like standards have dropped at Shinra (Raxel agrees)

Cid-I�ve had enough of you #@#@~###!!# lot! (Uses Dynamite to knock the Turks into the pit)

Raxel-Well at least I won�t have to pay them......

Seph-Three.........two........one.........

Turks-MOMMMMMY! (Everyone above the pit walks away)

Raxel-Heh, I always disliked Elena............

(Anyway.....they finally reach his room)

Seph-Oh, Leo, its a horde of fans who have come for a autograph.....

(Leo rushes in and pauses when he sees the group before him)

LDC-Eeep! (runs in opposite direction-everyone chases him, Raxel taking pot-shots with a 9-inch nail gun!)

Cid-[wheeze!] I shouldn�t have smoked that cigar on the way here........

Sephiroth-(Teleports out of building as everyone chases LDC into the studio where FF7-the movie is being made)

LDC-(On the Aeris death scene altar, begging for his life as he has Cids�s Venus Gospel rammed up his nose) Mommy, make these bad men go away.......

Seph-(guess what he does?) Yee Haw! (Drops from the rafters and slices LDC with his    masasumne-but he still lives)

Raxel-Wha�?!?

Cid-#@#! me!

Seph-(Pulls masasumne out of LDC)

LDC-Ha! you cannot defeat me - Bolt 3 All! (hits everyone)

Seph-Oh, right - Bolt 9999-times ten to the power of 99!
(needless to say LDC was vaporised by the spell!)

**********************Much, much later.....

Sephiroth-(At the Northern Crater) Now we�ll be able to see the rest of it without his face all over the TV

Raxel-mmmmmm! (he�s eating)

Jenova- (slaps him with a tentacle) Don�t speak with your mouth full!

Raxel-(pulls out his Sephiroth-length sword) Wanna rumble?

Seph-(As Raxel and Jenova �rumble�) DAMN!!!!!!!

TV-On ADCB tonight, instead of Deep Impact-the series, we will have a tribute to the late, great (subtitles read �Yeah, right!�) Leonardo de Caprio that will probably run through the Walker: Texas ranger (Cid can be heard cursing all the way from his villa in the rebuilt Mideel)

Raxel-(Sees Seph, Jenova and Lucrecia prepare to seriously hurt him - I decide to let go of my control over him -Author) Err....guys?

Wednesday- � Repair damage and clean blood stains caused by Tuesdays events (Additional - Remember to fill in Energhiz application form (also find out how to pronounce the damn name!) Oh, remember to attend Cloud�s BBQ at 7.00pm today

(Scene - Forgotten Capital - Cloud is burning various items on the barbecue, while Aeris is playing a laptop game of �Bash the Tifa� which involves Aeris at the controls of an armoured steam roller running over as many Tifas as possible, with all the evil sound FX of Tifa getting squished - one of my friends almost created a game like that for the PSX but scrapped it when I told him of the trouble he could get in legally)

Cloud-I love barbeques! (uses Ultima weapon to cut top off a can of beer)

Cid-I hate �em - Walker: Texas ranger�s is on and I�m missing it for your �orrid burnt    food!

Cloud-Why aren�t you watching Dukes like usual?

Cid-In all these fanfictions I must�ve seen them all so now I�m going to watch something more contempory

Cloud-Oh..... (looks blankly into space as he doesn�t know what contempory means!)

Aeris-(looks up from her game) Why don�t you take over Cid?

Cloud-Remember last time you said that - He used the Flamethrower spell and caught his oxygen tanks, if I hadn�t cast Big Guard we would�ve been blown to bits!

Aeris-Give him a chance, or you�ll be on the couch!   (the couch is from Cid�s house and it has springs, etc all sticking out)

Cloud-(thinking - Better sit down -this could take a while - RS) um.......................Okay

***********************************A while later......

Cid-I�m going to try an experiment.....(Aeris and Cloud run to the bunker I had thoughtfully written in for just an occasion - Quick advert �Instabunker-when a cardboard box won�t do - 60,000 gil at all not-so-good stockists�)

Seph-Hey, Cid wat ya doin�? (a pathetic Barret impression - to all Barret fans, I will make him suffer - RS)

Cid-Pour this liquid oxygen over the briquettes.....

Seph-Done

Cid-Let it soak in (starts backing off into the bunker)

Seph-Looks ready.....

Cid-Now use the lighter flint to make a spark

Seph-Do- [BOOOM!!!] (the blast throws him into the stratosphere where he sees Zero and Neo Bahamut, who forgets its their week off as well

Seph-Please don�t [FOOOM!!] (Seph falls back to Earth) CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDD[Thud!]!

(Meanwhile - Didn�t I tell you Seph suffers!-RS)

Cloud-(looking at the mile wide crater as a briquette soaked in LOX has 10x the power of a stick of dynamite!) Cid! (Realises Aeris is killing Cid-he looks away and whistles)

Aeris-That was my place you flyboy moron! (pulls out Vincents chainsaw-they needed to use it to cut Cloud�s bargain meat he bought-and Cloud runs out the bunker and is flattened by the falling chargrilled Sephiroth)

Vincent and co. (Looking at the crater and Cloud underneath Sephiroth) Err..... Are the burgers ready to eat yet? (everyone runs as Tifa sees Aeris�s game - Now Tifa plays �Bash the Aeris or kill her with AP mines or a handy rocket launcher� in reality*) :-)

(* What can I say - I like Tifa as Aeris is too cardboard/goodie-two-shoes for my liking)

*************************************

Thursday - 6.00pm - Lifestream diving lessons with Zack (nb: carry Underwater materia just incase he�s still annoyed over me almost killing him!) 9.00pm - Attend premiere of FF7 - the Musical (still think I should�ve got the Sephiroth role - Not evil enough? Pah!) 10.00pm - Use Flare to torch person who�s playing Sephiroth 1.00am - Accept role of playing myself (Must remember not to really summon Meteor!)

(Scene - Northern cave, morning after celebrating getting the FF7 musical role with everyone as Johnny mysteriously dissappeared except for a pile of ash in middle of his room - Yuffie is in Seph�s hidden room watching Pokemon and Raxel is cutting bacon slices using his Finality Edge (Big badass sword that makes Cloud�s a tiddler- author)- Cloud is still hobbling around from being hit by Seph-san and Aeris is cooking him breakfast - only problem is she can�t cook!)

Yuffie - Uhhhhhh....(drools)
Tifa-Are you okay Yuffie?
Yuffie - Uhhhhhh....(drools) [Thud!]
Raxel -Cover your eyes! Its Pokemon, or Backstreet�s back (alright! *Ahem*)
Cloud -What�s going on [Thud!]
Seph - Oh no! They KO�d Cloud!
Pikachu -(on TV to Ash (hole -gettit?)
PikapikaI�manadorablecreaturethatwillmaketheownersaloadofcashduetoeveryonPikapikapikbeingsogulliblethattheydonotseethattheTVprogramisnothingbutanhalfhourlongadvertforme Pika-Hahahaha! (read it slowly and you�ll get it)

Seph- Damn! If the kids all want this they�ll never play us - NO!!! I wish I could have a go at killing the electric mouse.....

Raxel-(Looks up from his Scooby-Doo sized sandwich about the size of Japan) Granted (Types something - you know the drill by now!)

Pikahu - Pikawha�?! (starts firing bolts of electricity, giving Seph a Cloud hairstyle)

Raxel -(Pulls out the inventory and pulls out a 6 meter long pulse cannon) Dieeee! (Fires)

Seph - (Now with a parting where the pulse cannon beam sliced past him) Where�s my hair repair materia? (Finds it, uses it and returns to his cool self)

Raxel-(Now having a little bit too much fun - calling up the Biohazard - his mech) Yo! BH - Use the UV (ultra velocity) missiles and blow this mouse away (waits and a system shutdown screen appears then the windows music)   Dammit! I put on the auto-shutdown!

Seph-(Smoothing hair out) Mess with the hair and you die (Grabs Masamune but....)

Pikachu-Pika-static! (Seph touches him with his sword and is blasted through a wall, crushing Yuffie (one of my friends is talking to me) sorry, Barret )(Poor fool has a Yuffie fixation - RS)

Raxel -(Taking the inventory gag to new extremes - Pulls out a Mammoth tank from C&C Retaliation and a Tesla tank ) DIE YOU FREAKIN� FUR BEARIN�LIGHTBULB!!!

Seph-(doing a TV interview on the Pikachu wars) I�m Sephiroth Sephiroth and we are standing in the middle of a large scale ground assault on the Pokemon called Pikachu - Mr Pikachu, do you have anything to say?

Pikachu-Pika, pik! (Pikachu dies now - Ha, Ha, haaaaaaaaa!!! - Author)

Raxel-(now its getting silly - he pulls out the Iraqi supergun and points it at Pikachu)   YOU WILL DIE NOW YOU GODDAMN SPAWN OF SATAN!!! [BOOM!]

Seph-Where�s my freakin� floor gone - into the lifestream?!

(Meanwhile...... Pikachu has used Tifa�s teleport materia to go out into the gaming universe)

Seph-(Looks at his home, which is just a crater now (�though it was before - gettit?) Err... how do we follow the mouse?

Raxel-Err.....I didn�t think of that (oh, but I did - Raxel pulls out a ID gateway attuned to    Pikachu�s biorythms - Don�t ask, I can�t explain it)

****************************************************
(So, Raxel, Seph, Cid, Tifa, Axie, Yuffie and Aeris - who accidently falls (well, more pushed) into the timestream , never to be seen again, we hope! - enter into time and space to find the elusive pokemon)
****************************************************

Seph - Where are we?

Raxel -Err..... something called MGS - sensors say there are a lot of guards so I�d say this is a military installation, so I better be careful (steps on a guard�s toe)

Tifa-Raxel..... (Slaps forehead - Sephiroth slashes guard until he�s dead)

Seph-I killed �em! (Shot several times - and Restore doesn�t work!)

Raxel-(Finally realises what game he�s in) Oh, (pulls out a ration from the last time he played) You see the map above us - use it to get around

**************************************
(so... they make it, though due to Cid and the damn cigarettes it took a while as he insisted on finishing them - though it comes in useful so that you can see the IR beams - hint, hint)
**************************************

In the MG Rex room (ignore the key bit, okay, as Cloud suddenly teleports in and does it, frying himself in the furnace and Seph�s extremly happy as he hasn�t died for once (yet-RS))

Cid - He�s here!

Raxel-(Sees the mech and so grins insanely) They were ready for me (gets in and fires it    up while everyone hides)

Tifa-Damn, he�s hot! (and, no it�s not Cloud, Raxel, Sephiroth(?), Cid (!)or Solid - at least Vincent doesn�t have any problems of Yuffie being with other men - they�re besotted with each other!)* (* Plus the fact they are both so annoying.....)

Axie-(To Grey Fox aka Ninja over a can of beer) Yeah, its hard being biomechanical, I mean if they put the wires in the wrong place they really do chafe (Ninja nods in agreement and asks if she wants to go out sometime - she promises to call him

Solid-(Starts to fire the Stingers and Raxel keeps turning to kill Pikachu) Err... Liquid, why do you keep turning from me?

Raxel-I�m not Liquid and I�m trying to kill Pikachu!

Solid and Liquid (Liquid came up behind them) Let�s kill Pikachu, he�s taking our fans!

Pikachu-(sees everyone with death in their eyes) Pika-byebye! (Teleports)

(So..... End of day - Axie has her date, Tifa�s found in bed with Liquid, Raxel remembers to rescue Meryl as Solid came to see what the problem was, and so goes on a moonlit snowscooter ride with her (and no, he isn�t going to kiss and tell!) and Cid is puffing on as many packs of cigs as he wants as they regenerate and Sephiroth goes on a psychotic rampage �a la Junon/the boat ride just for fun and gives the ammo to Raxel for his guns - Oh yeah, Liquid ,Ninja, Meryl and Solid have joined the quest to kill Pikachu as well as Aeris, who they met as they travelled throught the game - though Axie and Ninja somehow dissapeared!)

Friday - �I�ve always known that Pikachu was a Resident Evil�
(Scene - Well, if you didn�t get it by the title, I�m not explaining it!)

(Obligatory Sliders Cameo)
Quinn - Where are we?

Prof. -It appears we are in a place called Racoon city

Quinn - Err.... I thought you died from being shot?

Prof. - Well.....I am the same professor but from a different dimension.........

Quinn - (whispering to the professor) That�s the best the network could come up with? Ah, well......

(The portal opens up and everyone spills out on top of the wide-boy Professor!)

Cloud - Mmm, wobbly!

Aeris - Aieeeeeeeee! [Thud!] (Now I wonder why she hit a wall, heh, heh!)

Tifa -(Flips out and lands perfectly - on one of the tarantulas!) Eeeek spiders!! (Meryl and Tifa climb onto some chairs and then.....)

Cid, Seph and Raxel and the MGS crew - Yee haw! (fires at the tatantulas, slicing them to ribbons)

Tifa, Meryl, Aeris and Cloud - (looking at a mirror) Hey, we look strange - we�ve lost our corners

Aeris - ....and our sticky-out bits!

Seph - (quietly) you�ve never had them so how do you know?

Aeris - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!? (pulls out Rufus�s shotgun)

Seph - *gulp (sweatdrop)* Err..... I said you have the most fans and it was totally unfair that I had to kill you - besides that was my fault (slaps head) Ooops! (sweatdrop gets bigger and now Cloud�s interested....)

Raxel - (under my (total - I�m better than Jenova!) control) I�ve always been interested about that - Spill it!

Seph - (Everyone�s starting to surround him as he recounts his evil deeds.....) Well, when we were creating the game Cloud-boy was supposed to be the villain and I was to be the hero and as that was changed I wanted revenge so I........

Aeris -What?

Seph - (Bawling as his life flashes past!) WENT TO THE SCRIPTWRITERS AND PUT IN THAT I KILL YOU!

Cloud - WHAT?!

Aeris - I�M GONNA KILL YOU!!

Raxel - I�M GONNA KILL YOU!!

Rest of the gaming (well, the ones who liked Aeris) community - WE�RE GONNA KILL YOU!!! (well, am I not the only one annoyed by her demise, despite I think she's annoying?-RS)

Cid -I�M GONNA FRIGGIN� KILL ALL OF YOU IF YOU DON�T STOP YELLING IN CAPITALS!

Sephiroth -Eeep! (Aeris grabs Cloud�s sword and runs after the fleeing Sephiroth)

Tifa -(Reading the last line) She grabs his sword?! Cm�ere you slapper!! (runs after Aeris and lays into her as she beats on Seph)

Seph -HEELP!

Cid - THAT�S IT! I SUMMON SCARLET!! (Every single person, male or female runs away except Liquid Snake.... - A dimensional rift opens with loads of pyrotechnics and Scarlet grabs Liquid and pulls him into her world)

Solid Snake-(Tifa helped him, the two-timer....) 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.......

Liquid - (Singing Tom Jones - The dimensional rift closes and the materia vaporises!)

Raxel & Cloud- (Realising Liquid chose to stay!) I think I�m gonna be sick......(also the author- RS)

Raxel-(To me, the author) Now can we get on with the story?

***************************************************************
So.......... On a Death Star far, far, away.....

Rembrant - (To Quinn) Hey cue-ball, where are we?

Quinn- A Kromagg stronghold.....

Proffesor-No, its too advanced and besides it has �Property of Lucasarts� all over it.....

Quinn-So that means.....

Rembrant-We are in the Death Star?

Proffesor -Exactly.... I advise that we borrow some uniforms.....

(So another ID portal opens and everyone falls out and instantly recognise where they are)

Solid-Look out! Stormtroopers! (everyone attacks the �stormtroopers�)

Proffesor-Stop! we are Sliders from a parallel Earth........

Raxel-(author�s control) God! The early shows were so bloody annoying - kill them!

Ninja-Anything for a ladeee.... (slices them to ribbons and looks at Raxel and starts to gyrate his hips to imaginary music....)

Solid-Quick! Shoot him with a tranquilliser as he�s in Tom Jones mode! (Tifa, Meryl, Sephiroth and the other girls faint to gyrating hips.....(!)

Raxel-(not under my control, loads up his gun and fires, blowing off Ninja�s leg!) Oops!

Ninja-(Robotic) It�s not unusual.....Kissss.....It�s not unusual......not your shoe size.......

Solid-What gun did you use to fire the tranquilliser?

Cloud-(looks) Err, it says �Rail rifle�

Solid-Oh, it�s not too bad, just put his leg back on and he�ll be alright!

Tifa-How can he be - his leg was just blown off!

Solid-Well, don�t you think that Konami would account for the numerous times he gets stomped on by that 12-ton Rex mech?

Tifa-Oh!

*********************************************************
(Meanwhile - cue the dark Empire music!)

Darth Vader-(To Dark Helmet - you know, Spaceballs...) I am not pleased with your send-up of me.... [wheeze!]

Dark Helmet-Tell it to your lawyers...... wheeze-boy!

DV-Don�t call me that! you know I�ve hated that since the Jedi academy.... [wheeze!]

DH-Oh yeah, didn�t you get the �most likely to rule the evil side of the force and the universe with a robotic fist� award at the academy seven years running?

DV-Yeah - Yoda was supposed to get it but I (heh,heh) Used the �dark side of the Shwartz, sorry, Force! (Lucas�ll kill me - especially as I let Dark Helmet borrow the Death Star mark 6! ) (I hate the rebels)

DH-Heh, (Listens to the Sliders being splattered) Hold on, I have visitors.............

*******************************************************
(Dark Helmet trundles along and after almost killing himself by suffocation, meets the team)
*******************************************************
DH- (To Seppy-san) You! (Cue flashback.....)

The scene is the Bad Guy Academy Graduation. Seph, the Turks, Hojo, DV and some other baddies are about to graduate until it is found that someone changed the grades. Dark helmet was accused but it was later found out it was Sephiroth who did it...... at the cost of DH losing the Square deal and Sephiroth getting it!

DH-You ruined my life (End flashback) so now you will die.......(fires up the crapsabre)

Seph-Come on then.... (Borrows a handy lightsabre)

**************************(Cue Swirly-thing - The battle lasts for a few hours until.....)

Raxel-(Playing Pokemon - Gold until I, the author, notice and vaporises it with Ultima)    Sob! I had all of them on the memory.........

Tifa-Don�t worry, I�ll give you some of mine

Aeris-I have twelve I can give you

Solid-And I�ll give you Squirtle!

Axie-(looks at all of them and reminds them what the fanfic is about)

Everyone-Oh yeah, sorry (put their GB�s away)

****************************Anyway............

Seph-Come on then.... (Borrows a handy lightsabre)

(Cue Swirly-thing - The battle lasts for a few hours until.....)

Raxel-(Cobwebs have started to grow on him) I�ve had enough (Uses the ID portal to see his weapon collection - except he has to do it by touch)

Raxel-I have my.....(drumroll).......Umbrella?! Aeris, you been in my weapon collection yet again? (well, no-one wants a crappy rod as a weapon do they?)

Aeris-Ummm........... Pika-chuuuuuu!

Solid-Huh? (Thicker than two short planks) Aeris is Pikachu!

Tifa-Kill her! Kill her now!!

Cid-You don�t have to ask me twice! Highwind - FIRE!!!!!! (Somehow the Highwind    starts to fire on the surrounding area, missing Aeris by miles (Damn!- author)

Cid-Who the hell is on the firing control (Reads a handy script) ......Barney Gumbell?

Barney-(High up) BUUUUUURP!!!!

Seph-(With a live projectile trapped in his hair) Err.....You killed DH and I want someone to get this @#!@#! rocket out of my hair!

[Silence as Seph just swore for the first time ever in this fanfiction and now he appears nude..... Hold on, I better not as he still owes Raxel for the rocket launcher he trashed (and Raxel owes me that cash for �services� to get me to let him go out with Tifa after this fic is over)]

Cloud-(Just found Raxel�s �Do not touch� box) mmm, sweeties! (gives some to Aeris and Seph) DIEEEEEEeeeeeeee! (goes into omnislash mode on Seph)

Aeris-You always liked Tifa - Die sillicone queen! (Springer fight!!)

Solid-(sees box) what were in the box Raxel?

Raxel-.............................

Axie-It looks like Drive (Drive- Xenogears: Elly�s drug which makes her want to fight everything - I might borrow a few more bits y�know - author)

Raxel-(Ignores the chaos) Errr.....why is a Xenogears mech in the middle of the Death Star.....and why is Pikachu piloting the gear?

Solid-I know how to deal with this! (Starts to fire stingers at it)

Pikachu-Pikapikapik-a-CHUUUUuuuuuu! (You really think you�ll stop me with those firecrackers - chew on this!)

Solid-(As a huge foot comes down onto him- Ninja to the rescue) Aww, crap! [squelch!]

Author-(As a big,booming voice from above) Now the Monty Python ripoffs are finished, please get back to the show!

Raxel-Oh my god they killed Solid!

All - You -

Cid-STOPPIT RIGHT NOW OR I�LL USE SCARLET!!!!!

Author-Err.....Cid?

Cid-Yes

Author-You used the summon last time and the materia was vaporised

Cid-Damn! (strains of �Kiss� by Tom Jones as sung by Liquid snake are heard)

Raxel-(Bloody hell - he�s actually thinking!)I wonder what will happen if I pop open a panel and ram one of my Electromag grenades in it

Cloud-(Thinking) If I..............................oh yeah! �lets go to the wild,wild, west............

Aeris-(Thinking while fighting) How about If I borrow one of Tifa�s gloves - I�d look so cool and tough.........

Tifa-(Thinking) If I put some Cyanide in Aeris�s Pika-cola she�ll keel over and I�ll be number one!

Cid-(Thinking) I need my friggin� tea now (Loud) That�s it - KoR!

**************************************************
(The summon is cast and one knight walks on and slashes the mech then walks off)
**************************************************

Cid-What the ~@#!~#@!# hell was that?!

Seph-(Battle-scarred) I take it the author has blown his budget for this chapter

Cloud-(Bruised, cut and battered due to the fight) You sound just like Red XIII.....

Seph-No I do not! (Smacks Cloud with a handy Club (the theft-prevention one!))

Pikachu-pikikikikikikikiachuuuuuu pik-pik! (what the hell was that knight doing?)

Raxel - (brain in overdrive) why do guys like Solid always think that hi-ex weaponry will always save them? (Aloud) Suck on this Lightbulb! (Pulls out the overhead RPG from Duke Nukem TTK and flattens the gear!)

Cid-Highwind......Fire!!! (Out of nowhere the Yggdrasil, aka �the flying junkpile� comes along and crashes into the Highwind)

[BOOOOOOOOM!!!!]

Cid-#@!#@1@~#!#@!~@!#@ (faints after doing the �Strife freak-out (TM))

Bart-(not connected to Barney - the Xenogears dude)Err.......sorry! (steps out of the flaming wreckage which is burning worse due to the alcohol consumed by Barney)

Cid-You wrecked my Highwind.............prepare to meet your maker! (charges at him)

Bart-(Sees the Ancient guy running towards him with his weapon) Ulp! (Decides to use his whip - Cid grabs it and starts to strangle him)

Elly-Oh no! the Yggdrasil (mark 15!) has been destroyed - again! (looks for her Drive) Aw gawd, someone stole my special pills!

(At this point I, the author get tired of the Xenogears so I decide to make the Don Corneo summon appear.........Cid!)

Cid-(Sees what it is) I SUMMON DE CAPRIO! SH@T! I MEAN DON CORNEO!!

(Three dimensional rifts open and De Crapio, Hanson and Corneo come out and then the rifts close)

Cloud-Ugh, its Corneo! (Go to kill him)

Cid-Ugh, its De Caprio! (Goes to kill him)

Yuffie-Oh LeoO! (Runs screaming at him)

Hanson-Mmmm Bop, a-do-wee-do-wop!

Tifa-Oooh! Hanson!!! (Flings herself at them as does Aeris)

Raxel-Oh my God! It�s the children of the corn!!   (pulls out a shotgun and fires several times reducing Hanson to a sticky, red, mess)

Yuffie-Eeek! It�s Corneo - I�ll teach you to tie me up! (Flings her super slashing, slicing super shuriken, slicing off his �bits� - try saying that quickly-author)

Tifa-Well Cloud knows already!

Cloud-.......................

Aeris-(I can�t be bothered so they fight, again)

Corneo- Little Don! (Dies)

Raxel-(To himself) Now this is getting very strange.............. (His brain finally hits on a good idea) I know.......... If it�s a Xenogear gear, the mech�ll run out of fuel...........

Pikachu-(As if on cue, the mech stops and starts to fall onto the floor) Aww! (Teleports)

(Later on)

Raxel-(To Seph) How many more days are there of this?

Seph-I was told just one more then we finally kill the Lightbulb!

Raxel-Oh...................By the way, how did you stop Cloud?

Seph-I still retain some control over him............ (To demonstrate, Cloud runs into a wall all night until he ends up looking like a smear) Mwaaaaahaha!

Saturday-�There�s something about Cloud� or Teletubby-thumping!

(Scene - Floating in the limbo between dimensions)

Raxel-(looking at the script) I wonder what the title means?

Cloud-...........................I dunno.......

Seph-I saw the film, so I get it [snicker!]

Tifa-(Realises) Ugh! that�s disgusting!

Aeris-I don�t get it (Tifa explains) Aw gawd! I borrowed some of his gel!

Yuffie-Well, it does explain why his hair is so spiky and in the FFVII world there are no styling products............

Cloud-Erm....................I didn�t do it - It�s natural!

Cid-Yeah, right.......stay away from me gel-boy!

Bart-God, what possesed you to do that?

Elly-(withdrawl!) I need my Drive.....I need my Drive.....

(So due to the secret Cloud tried to hide, no-one will go near him!)
(Scene - Teletubby land, scene of several murders (soon.....) )

Seph-Where on Midgar are we now?
Raxel-You won�t like this.................

Announcer-(Out of the hill) Over the hills and far away the Teletubbies come out to play....................... 1, (ooh) 2(eh-oh!), 3(he-hee!), 4(Fart!) Tellytubbies come to play

Aeris-Yay! Teletubbies! (sits down to watch)
Seph-God, no................(His punishment after the Meteor incident was to spend 30 years in the   lifestream watching non-stop Teletubbies - he still gets nightmares from them)
Elly-(To La-la) Err.......do you have any Drive?
La-la-Noo-noo!
Elly-Listen you stuffed piece of turd (Grabs La-la) if I don�t get my Drive I will kick your big yellow butt into the 31st century!
La-la-Noo-noo!
Elly-I know...... I�ll pawn this TV! (unsheathes Cloud�s sword she stole and cuts the TV out of the pathetic creature - one down.......)
Raxel-This is too strange - its like the X-files!

(As if on cue.........A dimensional rift opens and guess who comes out)

Mulder-(looks around) Hey Dana, do you believe now?
Scully-No. I need proof
Mulder-(Picks up the corpse of La-la) What about this authentic cadaver?
Scully-Could be a hoax by Smokey........
Mulder-(Sees Dipsy) I know that alien! He abducted my sister! (Chases after him, Teletubby-style)
Scully-(To Tifa) Er.....miss....do you know where me and my �partner� are? (looks at Cloud and is attracted - dunno why though)
Tifa-Sorry, no - go away as I�m looking after my Cloudie-pie...........
Scully-What the hell is �Cloud�? I�ll examine you - I�m a doctor....(Examines)....I knew it you�re totally stoned!
Tifa-(Angry - pulls on the Premium Heart) Am I - I want a second opinion, you floozy!
Scully-(Grabbing her trusty automatic) All right! Those are fakes!
Aeris-I said that years ago but no-one listens! (Tifa�s angry face makes Aeris quickly shut up and watch Mulder with Dipsy)

**********************************************************
In another part of teletubby land............................
***********************************************************

Mulder- Where.....[Slap!].....is....my.............sister?
Dipsy-Eh-oh......[Slap!]
Aeris-Yay! Teletubbies! (someone give her some Drive please.....)
Bart-(Looks down)   Oh my god it�s Chu-chu!
Aeris-(Picks it up) Aww, ain�t you a cutie............
Elly-Chu-chu always has Drives......... (Starts to walk over to Aeris)
Elly-Chu-chu!
Chu-chu-................   (Yeah?)
Elly-(annoyed by the silence) Oi! I�m the antitype so I demand some respect!
Chu-chu-.................    (Big deal - I�m the Xenotype!)
Aeris-Yay! A Rude convention! (Claps like a maniac)
Elly-That�s it! (slaps Chu-chu around with Aerods)
Chu-chunder.................. (You�ll do that to me child?! - Goes to Gear size)
Elly-Oops! (Looks around) Where�s Vierge?!
Mulder- (Wiping the red smear off his fists - in a japanese voice) run for your lives - it�s Chu-zilla!

So.....for the purpose of this story, somehow they go into New York - Manhatten!

Fei-(He came in the SandCrab alright?!) Hey Elly, how�s DTA*? (*Drive takers anonymous!)
Citan-Eh?! (He�s just seen Chu-zilla)
Emeralda-.......................! (Has same look as if you bought a meal with her in your party!*)
Cloud-Look at the furball! (Chu-chu stomps on him)
Raxel-(Finally looks up from Tifa�s Game boy) Oh my god! Is this New York?!
Mulder-No......it�s a futuristic simulation of 20th century Earth called the Grid........
Raxel-Grid? How do you know that?
Mulder-The US has been trying to create this in one of their black projects.....trust no one!
Tifa-Yeahhhhhh..........now, how do we stop Chu-zilla?
Elly-Kill her and steal all her Drives!
Fei-Use the Big Bang and Guided chi shot!
Raxel-Use Tifa�s Devastators!
Fei-(looks at Tifa) Oh yeah......
Raxel-Not those!
Fei-Oh..... (Elly whaps him with her rod)

Anyways......the Army comes to stop the Chu-r-crap.......

(*note - The area I refer to is Aveh�s (Nisan) resturant - if you order something she�ll adopt the test-tube fetus position you found her in - I found this out from Matthew Emirzan�s ([email protected]) excellent Xenogears Tidbits, Secrets and tips FAQ V6.0 - You have to read the Ramsus section, though it isn�t for prudes as well as complete coverage of the best secrets in the entire game listed in chronological order as well as most of the Chu-names I use here- thanks dude! )

Cmndr. Barakka-Death to the humans, sorry Chu-zilla! (I left MK for this?!)
Chu-chu-(looks at the ensemble of force) ..................(Ha! haha! Mwahaha! - starts to destroy them)
Bart-I know! The Yggdrasil IV super-dimensional Gear!
Everyone-Huh? How did you?
Bart-I made two of them....
Everyone-O-kay.......
Bart-Yee-haw! (Gets in and starts to pound on the fuzzball)
Pikachu - (Appears to see all of this and this giant fuzzball about to land on him!)
Chu-Crud-Ugh! Chu-chuuuuuuuuu[Thud!]
Pikachunder-Pika-craaaaaaaaap [squish!]

Bart-Yes! Two for one!
Cid-Woohoo! Tea for everyone at my place!
Elly-Now I can take her Drives....(Sneaks off)
Tifa-(Looks at the remains) Pikachu isn�t here!
[Dom-dom-dom!]

Announcer-�Stay tuned �till next time to see if they destroy the Pikachu and his plans for global, sorry,   universal conquest - same Chu-crap time, same Chu-upchuck channel!�*******************************************************************************************
Another word to the reader on Matthew Emirzan�s ([email protected]) excellent Xenogears Tidbits, Secrets and tips FAQ V6.0 - Towards the end are some excellent tips on the battling and I love the idea of a two player mech-em-up just like Sega�s Virtual On and the Argenteno Gear - Also peruse the excellent lyrics and the fan-art of this class game
Also if you still haven�t got around to it-finish FF7/8 cause when FF9/10 comes out you�ll be selling your grandmother to get it and you won�t have time for Aeris although I still think that a certain lady called Rinoa looks suspiciously like Tifa - but then again, she was in Xenogears (read the section above to find out where she�s hidden...)so maybe she�ll be like Vicks, Wedge and Jessie - However I still think they should�ve tied Aeris into the FF8 storyline so as to calm the people down who�ve spent ages trying to ressurect her without a Gameshark! Anyway, I digress so here is the legalese mumbo-jumbo:

Pikachu,Gameboy, and the name�Pokemon� belong to Nintendo
MGS, metal gear solid and all related items belong to Konami
FF7,FF8,Xenogears and all related items belong to Squaresoft, Square
Barraka (or Barakka, I don�t know the spelling!) and the MK moniker belong to Midway
Teletubbies and their items- BBC
Simpsons and all relations- 20th century Fox, Matt Groening
X-files - Fox, 1313 productions
Star wars and all related items - Lucasarts, Geoge Lucas
Spaceballs - That company with the Altavista logo....Paramount!
Sliders - 20th century Fox
Armageddon and lyrics - Universal, I think.....
FV,VF, Virtual on, Sonic and all related characters - Sega�s AM depts.
Lara Croft - Eidos/core entertainment
Assorted weaponry and items - various games ranging From Id to Westwood
Crash Bandicoot - Sony software
Raxel Blade, the Biohazard, Axie and their weapons belong to me so ask before you borrow them!

      See Ya! - RS, Author ([email protected]m)