Title: The Wood for the Trees
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: Maybe PG-13 on this one. Just bear in mind that I�m just guessing � I�m British and not all that familiar with the US rating system.
Content: m/m slash (non-graphic), some language, badly-written wrestling. And angst. And a weirdly-written Jeff.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Christian�s done some thinking about Jeff since the last time they were together...
Notes: I love Jeff Hardy. I just give him these weird problems �cos I love him so much, I swear. You always hurt the ones you love, remember? Not that he�s really hurt in this one :)

***
The Wood for the Trees
***

�Tell me you want me�.

It was all Christian could hear, lying awake in his scratchy, vaguely uncomfortable hotel bed the night before their next big pay-per-view. The words just kept running through his head, with all the accompanying recollections of the night Jeff had said them. It had been hard, fast, hot, like he was having trouble could actually happen in a dressing room backstage at an arena. Not exactly the most romantic of venues for their first time. But then, there wasn�t really anything romantic about it at all. Jeff had pretty much groped him during their match then they�d taken it backstage. Romantic it was not.

And it had been over far too quickly. The only thing that had stopped Christian feeling completely dejected was the promise of more to come. The Hardyz had a match with him and Edge the following night, and he guessed the match wouldn�t be the only repeat performance.

There was a problem, though. A *big* problem. Instead of feeling tingly with anticipation or even fired up for the match, he felt kind of empty. Worse than that, actually. Instead of focusing on those last words Jeff had said to him � �I�m looking forward to the rematch� � and the sparkle in the mischievous green eyes as he said them, all Christian could hear was �tell me you want me�. All he could see in his mind was the plea in Jeff�s eyes, the need for him to tell him. He hadn�t thought anything of it at the time except maybe that Jeff wanted to make him admit it, but now something about those words chilled him.

It had taken the best part of the week off Vince had given him and Edge for him to get past the vague unease and into what exactly it was that bothered him about that night. First he wondered if it was the fact he�s actually gone through with it and fucked Jeff, but it wasn�t like he�d never thought about it before and it wasn�t like it was his first time. Then he wondered if it was the �foreplay� that worried him, the public groping. Only he�d seen the tape and was pretty darn convinced that unless the viewers actually knew what was going on then they wouldn�t noticed. Sure the two of them looked kinda amateurish, but Matt and Edge has made up for that with some serious wrestling. Fortunately they hadn�t been in a singles match. They�d had tag partners to back them up.

So if it wasn�t the public display of fondling and it wasn�t the sex itself, what the hell was it that was bothering him? He finally got it listening to Edge�s last conversation with his fianc�e, when he�d heard him say the words �tell me you want me�. Suddenly it dawned on him. He remembered how Jeff had said those words, not like Edge to his girlfriend in that playful, amused tone of his, but needy. Jeff had needed to hear it. But why? Why on earth could he possibly need to hear Christian of all people tell him he wanted him?

After that he could barely stop thinking about if for three seconds together. He just had to figure it out. He had a horrible, unbearable feeling that there was more to those words than an admission of defeat, an admission that Jeff had won. And the more he thought about it the more the sinking sensation set in, telling him that he�d made a mistake, that what he�d done was completely wrong, that he�s somehow been dragged into the middle of something that he couldn�t quite grasp and in the long term was only going to get worse and worse. Jeff had a problem, he was pretty sure. And Christian was doing nothing to help. In fact, he�d probably only made things worse.

He didn�t want to hurt Jeff. He didn�t want him to feel that he didn�t care, that all he was to him was a quick fuck. It wasn�t like that. Christian was almost surprised as he thought that. At the time he�d been sure that was all it was about for either of them, but of that wasn�t what he wanted, what the hell *did* he want? Right then he wasn�t in any mood for deep evaluation of his own psyche. He just knew that however good the sex was, however much he wanted Jeff, it wasn�t worth hurting him over.

Now he just had to figure out what he was supposed to do. After all, what exactly could he do to get himself out of this mess without leaving Jeff feeling discarded? That was the last thing Christian wanted, and the last thing Jeff needed. That would just be wrenching at all those insecurities, like telling him he was broken so he didn�t want him anymore. Bad idea. If Christian understood nothing else, he knew Jeff needed to be wanted. Dumping him outright wasn�t the answer.

In the end he just lay back between the starchy sheets, closed his eyes, and resigned himself to dread.

***

The whole next day leading up to the event was torture. For some seemingly inexplicable reason Edge decided he wanted to spend the morning buying shoes and in his distracted state Christian had agreed to tag along before he realised what he was saying. Cue several hours of pointless roaming and annoyingly chipper chatter as Edge tried on every damn set of footwear in every damn shop they came across. Christian was significantly less than impressed. Even Edge�s cheerfulness and alarming shoe-related enthusiasm couldn�t bring him out of his hellishly bad mood.

They trudged around until Edge gave up and they made a quick detour via the hotel before heading off to the arena. Christian appreciated what his partner was trying to do by dragging him out for the day but really all he�s wanted to do was lurk in the hotel, take a shower and grab something terribly unhealthy to eat. And the last thing he wanted to do was spend any more time sitting around backstage at the arena than he absolutely had to. The longer he was there the more chance he had of running into Jeff, and he still had no idea what he was going to say when he did see him. To say it was all he could think about, he�d made a mess of the decision.

But as soon as the got there he just shut himself away in the dressing room he was sharing with edge with a ham sandwich and a can of Diet Pepsi and stayed away from everyone else. Vince popped his head in to check he was okay to wrestle, Edge stopped by a couple of times to try to entice him into a game of poker with Steve Austin, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho and all three Dudleyz, and Chris Benoit came by to beg some tape for his wrists, but luckily three was no sign of either Hardy. In the end Christian couldn�t quite decide if that was a good or a bad thing.

By the time he�d convinced himself it was good, he had to drag himself out of the room for a couple of pointless vignettes with his partner and Kurt Angle, and just as they were shooting the second, he saw Matt, Jeff and Amy Dumas walk by out of the corner of his eye. His stomach lurched and he almost forgot his line as Jeff looked over at him with a small, almost shy smile. He couldn�t smile back, being in character in front of a camera, but almost did it involuntarily. Only Edge elbowed him in the ribs hard enough for his glasses to jump down on his nose, and for the time being he lost himself in what he was doing.

And then he was being bustled out and down the walkway toward the ring with Edge by his side and angry butterflies tearing at his insides. They posed inside the ring with all their usual cheeky arrogance then retired to the corner as the Hardyz�s music started up and Christian tried not to watch as Matt, Jeff and Lita made their way down to the ring. But he couldn�t help himself. He stood there in the corner with Edge, adjusting his already perfect-positioned elbow pads as he surreptitiously eyed the younger Hardy all the way to the apron. Then he left the ring, leaving Edge to square off against Matt. If the look on Jeff�s face was anything to go by he wanted to stay out of there just as long as possible.

But Edge and Matt�s time grappling together in the ring couldn�t last the whole match; Christian managed to studiously avoid Jeff�s gaze only until their respective partners crawled to their respective corners and both made the tag. Christian hopped into the ring with forced enthusiasm and felt like throwing up. Matt had made the tag to younger brother Jeff. Oh God, they were in the ring together.

Mercifully, Jeff was on a high-flying ass-kicking bent and their first brief in-ring stint ended in Jeff missing a moonsault and Christian crawling to his corner to tag in Edge.

But Jeff made the tag to Matt and suddenly they were standing diagonally opposite each other across the ring trying not to make eyes at each other over their tag team partners. Christian felt completely out of control. On the one hand he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he quite simply couldn�t, and for a hell of a lot of reasons shouldn�t, do this, but on the other he couldn�t help himself. There was just something about Jeff and the way he was standing there cheering Matt on but staring over at Christian at the same time that wouldn�t let him take his eyes off him. Attracted wasn�t the word. He was more like mesmerised.

Edge tagged him back in. And after connecting with a huge clothesline off the ropes Matt tagged in Jeff. A brief melodramatic and non-too-painful punch out later and Christian whipped Jeff against the ropes only to be knocked flat on his back in the centre of the ring. Jeff dropped a quick elbow to his sternum, dragging his fingertips over Christian�s chest as he stood � then pulling him back to his feet to fling him headlong into the turnbuckle. Christian groaned but sidestepped as Jeff went to follow up with his elbow, driving his head down into the top turnbuckle with his fingers twined in Jeff�s hair. Jeff turned, that now familiar mischievous sparkle in his eyes as he mock-raked Christian�s eyes and drove him to the canvas with a DDT. Jeff rolled him over and went for the pin, head down under the camouflage of his hair as he nipped lightly as Christian�s collarbone.

Christian was helpless. He has to kick out � he and Edge were scheduled to win � but it felt so damn good� He kicked out at two. Jeff cursed a blue streak at the official then set himself astride Christian�s hips and punched at him weightlessly as he bucked his crotch into Christian�s. Christian muttered to himself then mock-glared up at Jeff for a second before giving him an almighty shove backwards, reversing their positions before Jeff had chance to realised what was going on.

So now Christian was on top. Only now he was he wasn�t exactly sure what to do. He looked down into Jeff�s clear green eyes, groaned inwardly at the look of expectation like �so what are you gonna do now?� on Jeff�s face, then choked the hell out of him, pressing down with his hips at the same time, the move masked by Jeff�s theatrical kicking. He stood, bounced off the ropes and dropped a leg. He tried for a pin and wasn�t surprised when Jeff bucked up into him on two. So he pulled him up, sent him flying against the ropes with a quick sweep of his fingers down his spine that almost made Jeff trip as he shuddered, and the next thing Christian was down on the mat again after Jeff�s well-executed Russian leg sweep. He sighed as Jeff went for the cover, licking his neck playfully as he shoved Jeff hard in his chest to get his shoulder up.

�We shouldn�t be doing this�, Christian told him, dragging him to his feet, running his fingers over the back of his neck, feeling him shiver.

�Yeah, I know�, Jeff replied, whipping him into the ropes with an unabashed impish grin, and one rather spectacular hurricanrana later Christian was back down on the canvas. He couldn�t decide if it was just that Jeff was better than him or because he�d almost completely given up, but he didn�t seem able to keep the now painfully red and purple-haired and total insatiable Hardy down. But Jeff just looked over at him with a private wink as he swept back his hair to stand, motioning toward Edge over in the corner with his eyes. And Christian knew that Jeff was having mercy. He managed to suppress the smile and crawled over to the corner as Jeff played to the crowd.

He tagged in Edge, who snapped Jeff into a vertical suplex, whipped him into the turnbuckles, followed in his knee, tossed him over into the centre of the ring and oddly out of character slapped on the figure four leglock and made Jeff submit. A win for Edge and Christian, no interference and no illegal moves, no con-chair-to, and a surprising submission. A bit of an anti-climax in a way, but at least they�d won and Christian didn�t have to wonder how much more torture Jeff was going to put him through before he actually got an erection right there in the centre of the ring in the centre of the arena. In front of thousands of fans and million on live pay-per-view. God, that was a sobering thought. Especially as the silvery spandex tights he was wearing weren�t exactly known for their embarrassment-covering properties. The Hardyz�s black jeans, maybe, but the spandex? Nuh-uh.

Matt and Lita made Edge and Christian�s celebrations mercifully short as Jeff writhed in pseudo-agony on the canvas. The Twist of Fate from Matt and an extremely well-executed top rope moonsault from Lita and the blondes were staggering their way from ringside as fast as their beaten asses could manage. Match over. Crisis averted. Only because Jeff had decided not to carry it on, though, because Christian knew there was no way he could�ve stopped himself. That was the truly disturbing thought.

Edge was pretty hyped to say they�d just finished up a pretty damn exhausting match � Christian practically collapsed into a chair in their dressing room while his partner just strode around like a rooster on E. As it turned out, as Christian managed to gather from Edge�s oddly disjointed babble, his fianc�e had turned up. Five minutes of nauseating pacing later Edge finally left to take off with his fianc�e and left Christian to relax minus the migraine-inducing incomprehensible chatter and the dizzying pacing. He sighed, changed, then flopped back down into the chair with his eyes closed to await Jeff�s arrival.

***

�Hey, you. Sorry I took so long, Vince sprang a surprise promotional� Christian?�

He woke with a groan of protest, blinking up at Jeff as he dropped his bag in the corner and wandered over, pushing Christian�s knees together so he could sit facing him astride his thighs.

�I�m sorry, I guess I�� he found himself saying, flustered, before he glanced at his watch. �You took an hour?�

�Yeah, like I said, Vince grabbed me and Matt almost right after the match and asked us to sign some autographs and you know how he is. I couldn�t get away�. Jeff was reaching up, stroking the hair back from Christian�s forehead with a small, apologetic smile on his face. �I�m sorry. Let me make it up to you�.

Christian swallowed hard as Jeff leant forward and started to kiss his jaw, and with a remarkable force of will that he hadn�t been sure he had left he managed to fight his way to his feet and stave off the onslaught of incredible little wet, nipping kisses Jeff was showering him with. He stood back, and finally Jeff leant back against the wall, frowning at him.

�Look, Jeff...�

�What? Did I do something wrong?� Jeff was looking at him anxiously, almost panicked, with that kinda of deer-in-the-headlights look about him that almost made Christian regret stopping. Almost. Because despite what his body was telling him, he knew he couldn�t do this. At least not yet. There were too many unanswered questions, too much going on with Jeff that was unsaid and not quite understood. Until Christian knew for sure what exactly was going on, nothing could happen.

But Jeff was panicking. He was trying to look like he wasn�t, but any idiot could see he was. And that was the last thing Christian wanted.

�No, no � what you were doing was great. But� uh� I�m starved�. Just as the right moment Christian�s stomach grumbled. �See?� He hadn�t even known he was hungry. �How about pizza? On me�.

For a moment Jeff just frowned at him silently, but then he nodded, tossing Christian his coat.

�Yeah, I�m pretty hungry too. Pizza sounds great�.

So they left. Matt had taken off with Lita in her rental car, so Christian was glad Edge hadn�t left and taken theirs otherwise they would�ve been stuck at the arena begging a ride and since the only people still there were Steve Austin, Debra, Trish Stratus and the McMahons, he wouldn�t exactly have relished the begging. Still, fortunately Edge and his fianc�e had left in her car, and Christian had the keys to the rental, so he and Jeff hopped into the Honda and made for the nearest pizza parlour.

They managed to avoid conversation which made Christian feel a little better at least; Jeff sat twiddling with the radio until he found a station playing Pearl Jam then they sat driving without any awkward chatter. Sure, the relative silence was a little awkward, but Christian at least had time to think while they weren�t occupied with meaningless small talk. Unfortunately all he could think was along the lines of �what the hell am I doing here?� and �why didn�t I just get the hell out of this while I had the chance?� but it was still better than anything they could�ve had to talk about. Especially as the main topic of discussion just had to be their match, and that was pretty much the last thing Christian felt like talking about.

He spotted a take-out pizza place, pulled over and hopped out to go order. Jeff muttered something about extra cheese over the din of what Christian guessed was Korn, and twenty minutes of standing around waiting for the pizza whilst being quizzed by the guy behind the counter on what it was like being a pro wrestler later, he stepped back into the car and handed the box to Jeff.

The hotel was only five blocks down; they left the car in the parking garage and headed for Christian�s room since they knew it was empty thanks to Edge�s unexpected early departure. Jeff set the box down on the table and they both grabbed a slice and started munching. Christian produced a couple of cans of Coke from the mini-bar to wash it down wit. They ate in silence, occasionally glancing up at each other over the stringy cheese. Until Jeff spoke.

�Look, I know we�re just killing time �til we get to the sex, but this is dumb�.

Christian sighed, pausing. �I just don�t know what to say to you�, he said at last.

Jeff leaned forward on his elbows, frowning at Christian over the half-eaten pizza. �But you sound like you actually do have something to say�, he said, narrowing his eyes. �So just come out and say it. There�s something bothering you. Do you want me to leave?�

�No�.

�You sure?�

�I thought I sounded pretty sure�. Christian sighed. �Yes, I�m sure�.

�So what is it?�

�I... I just� Look, I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, okay?�

Jeff nodded, leaning back, looking somewhere between curiosity and unease. �Ask away�.

�Uh, Jeff, why are you here?�

Jeff quirked an eyebrow, almost smiling now. �Pizza. You paid�.

�You know that�s not what I meant. Why are you here with me?�

Now Jeff took his turn at sighing, looking down at the pizza as he rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Christian could only guess at what he was thinking, and none of what he came up with was good.

�I�m here because I want you�, Jeff said at last, not looking up. �And I thought you wanted me�.

�I do�.

�So what�s the problem?�

�I just� What do you want from me? Is it just the sex?�

�Well, uh� yeah?�

�But what if that�s not all I want from you?�

Christian almost couldn�t believe what he heard himself saying. What exactly *was* he saying? It sounded like a diluted version of �Jeff, I was this � us � to be about more than sex�. Did he really want that? Was he talking about an actual relationship, dating, spending time together out of bed or the ring? From what he�d just said, he wouldn�t have been surprised if that was what Jeff inferred. And the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Maybe this was what he�s been trying to hide from himself all week, that what he had with Jeff he wanted to be more that what could be curiously but correctly defined as a series of one-night stands. He wanted Jeff. He wanted to be with Jeff. He wanted Jeff to know he wanted him. Whatever it took.

�Huh?� Jeff questioned, eyes flickering up to meet Christian�s.

�I said: �but what if that�s not all I want from you?�� Christian said. �Jeff, I want to be with you�.

***

�You�ve gotta be fucking kidding!�

�Do I look like I�m fucking kidding? Is this something you think I�d fucking kid about?�

�Well...�

�Well nothing. I�m not fucking kidding. I�m serious�.

�But��

�But nothing�.

�But you can�t want...�

�How many times am I going to have to say this before you believe me?�

�Probably about a thousand�, Jeff muttered, dropping his head into his hands. �Maybe a million�.

�So are you going to tell me what you think or not?� Christian asked, trying to be patient but his stomach was working its way though a gold medal-winning gymnastics routine. He honestly couldn�t remember the last time he�d felt so nervous about anything. But considering he�s just basically told Jeff Hardy that he wanted a relationship based on more than casual sex, he had every right to be nervous. It wasn�t exactly an everyday occurrence. In fact, he hadn�t even been looking. He�d got used to being single and it kind of suited him too � after all, he had no idea how the guys managed to keep wives or fianc�es or girlfriends with the work they did and the amount of time they spent on the road. He definitely hadn�t been looking. He hadn�t wanted to inflict his weird-ass schedule on anyone else.

Except Jeff had a weird-ass schedule of his own. Come to think of it, they practically shared the same weird-ass schedule. He understood his life. And for some reason, it seemed Christian wanted Jeff to share it.

�Uh, I...� Jeff stammered, looking back up with a completely wide-eyed, incredulous look on his face. �You� you�re� what exactly are you asking me?�

Christian shrugged. �I don�t know, maybe �Jeff, could we like, uh, date or something?� I just want to know if you might be interested in me for something more than, y�know...�

�Sex�.

�Yeah. So...?� Christian could see Jeff was biting at his bottom lip, even if he was trying to hide it. Or maybe Jeff didn�t even realise he was doing it.

�You�re actually, uh, interested in me?� he asked, his bottom lip almost trembling, and red from the biting. Christian felt like telling him to stop it or he�d end up bleeding, but he wasn�t sure Jeff would really appreciate it. What he needed to do was reassure him that he wasn�t yanking his chain; Jeff wasn�t exactly looking full of confidence.

Christian stood before he had time to talk himself out of it, rounded the table and perched on it just to Jeff�s right, watched Jeff�s eyes widen even more. It was almost cartoon-like, like they were going to pop out on their stalks at any second and maybe his jaw would drop and his tongue roll out at the same time. Christian couldn�t, and didn�t even try to, suppress a small smile.

Yeah, I�m interested in you�, he said, reaching out and running a thumb over Jeff�s lips. �More than interested. I�m, uh, *very* interested. Y�know, that sounded a lot better in my head�.

Jeff smiled. �It sounded pretty good to me�.

�Are you saying you...?�

�Yeah, I�m saying. This is completely unbe-fucking-lieveable. Damn, Christian, have you got *any* idea how long I�ve been waiting for this? You know you�re practically sitting in the pizza, right?�

Christian turned to look and that was all the time Jeff needed; before Christian registered what was happening, Jeff was out of his chair and pushing him further back on the table, standing between his knees.

�Jeff?�

Leaning forward with his hands on the table either side of Christian�s thighs, Jeff rested his head on Christian�s shoulder, his lips brushing his neck, his breath sending shivers down Christian�s spine.

�I know this isn�t just about sex�, he almost whispered, low in his throat, as he nipped and licked at Christian�s exposed neck, �but it never was for me. It wasn�t just sex, y�know. It was feeling needed, feeling wanted, feeling special. It was being close to you. I didn�t even wanna hope you�d want more that sex. But it was more for me. I want you, Christian. I want to feel you. I just wanna crawl into bed and fall asleep with you and have you there with me in the morning. Do you think we could do that?�

Christian closed his arms around Jeff�s waist, drawing him in closer as Jeff nuzzled his neck. The he pushed him back, stepping up off the table, a smile on his face and in his eyes.

�I thought you�d never ask�, he said.