Title: Wish You Were Here
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Content: I think I may have alluded to a little m/m, like that�s not expected here...
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless by some bizarre accident of nature I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form.
Distribution: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Hunter does a little wishing, and a little thinking.
Notes: Inspired by the Incubus song of the same name.

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Wish You Were Here
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The sea�s so calm tonight. I hear the waves wash gently against the sand and feel the wind soft in my hair, lifting it back from my bare shoulders. I shiver. It�s warm out but I can�t help it.

The sand�s still warm under my feet as I walk, all the heat of the day still soaked into it. It�s like walking on a new rug, feeling the fibres tickle your feet and bring a smile to your face. Because I haven�t been here long and I�m not quite used to it. The sand, I mean, the way it feels when I walk barefoot at night, how it changes as I get closer to the sea and come back again. I was brought up in the city. I don�t know places like these.

Neither do you. You were brought up in the city, another city, far away from mine. We didn�t know each other then and I�m glad we didn�t. You wouldn�t have liked the person I was then. I didn�t. Although when I think about it, it took you to change me. And places like these. Beautiful places.

I walk, feeling the sand beneath my feet, hearing the ocean and nothing else but the beating of my own heart. This is a perfect place. I face the water, face the wind, smell the salt in the air and close my eyes, let it wash over me, whip my hair about my face and bring tears to my eyes. I lift my arms, rake my fingers through my hair, hold them out in the wind and feel it brushing over me like a thousand fingers. Like a lover�s fingers, like they know me, every curve and hollow of my body. It�s an incredible feeling.

Then I open my eyes and I gaze out at the miles of sky, the deep, unfathomable blue-black sky. You know that old clich�, that the sky�s like some backlit canopy with tiny holes punched in it � well, I know it�s as clich�d as it gets but that�s exactly what it looks like. And it�s so beautiful. Suddenly I�m not so sure that the tears in my eyes are just from the wind.

I wish you were here.

I want to stand here with you, just hold your hand or wrap my arms around you and stand here with you. I want to show you this place how I see it, know you feel how I feel in that moment. I want to turn to you and see the tears in your eyes in the moonlight like the essence of the beautiful blue ocean�s captured there in your blue eyes. I want to hold you close and feel your heart beat against my chest, see you in starlight and know the wind caresses you like it caresses me. I want to kiss you and taste the salt on your lips, breathe the salt air from your mouth, taste you. I want to see you smile as I tell you I love you.

I wish you were here.

We�ve done these things before. On a beach in Fiji where someone suggested we take a break, one night we were sitting on the beach near the hotel and we could hear the wind in the trees, the music floating around us on the air, almost taste the place in every breath we took. I told you I loved you that night, and you just smiled and held me closer. We were only there for three days and maybe it seems like it wasn�t worth it for such a short time, but that time we had was perfect. That�s the way I hope I always remember you. I always promised you we�d go back there one day, and I know you meant it to be our honeymoon.

But reality�s setting in now. We�re never going back. I just wish you were here.

Before I know it I�m biting my lip hard enough to draw blood just to bring me back to the moment. I can taste it in my mouth, sharp and metallic, hot, almost sweet. It reminds me of you, of lying together in a hotel room in San Antonio, licking the blood slowly from your hand as I watched you watching me. You couldn�t take your eyes off me, off my tongue and the cut where you�d slipped with the bottle cap. I traced the lines in the palm of your hand so carefully, pressing my lips to your skin with a reverence I�d never shown anyone. As I looked up at you then, I knew I loved you. As you looked down at me, I knew you loved me too. I wish we could�ve stayed that way forever.

And Kurt, I wish you were here.

I sit on the edge of the beach, running the thin wisps of grass through my fingers, staring out at the sea. The back porch of the house is only about a hundred feet behind me, and if I turned now I know I�d see you sitting there on the swing, watching me. I know you know I�m out here, but you know I know you won�t come to me. I�m not supposed to be here. Even if I walked over there that�s all you�d say to me � you�d stare at the ground, scuff your toes in the loose sand on the wooden decking and tell me I�m not supposed to be here.

I know we�re over and I know it�s my fault. I know I should�ve paid more attention to you. I know I should�ve kept in touch while I was out, returned your calls, talked to you maybe just sometimes. I wish you could understand I couldn�t let you see me like that, because I�ve felt like a cripple all this time, like I didn�t deserve someone like you. All I wanted that whole time was to call you and ask you to get on the next plane out there so I could wrap you up in my arms and feel I hadn�t lost you because I was injured. Stupid, I know, because I know you loved me anyway. I just didn�t feel like I was worth a damn if I wasn�t out there doing what I do, wasn�t quite as strong as you always knew me to be. I thought I�d be a disappointment.

And I know I should�ve said yes that night. You know the night, when you called and before I knew what I was doing I�d picked up the phone and you were talking so fast, like you do when you�re nervous, and I just sat there stunned as you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you. I choked. That was the moment I lost you, when I stupidly told you �I�ll have to think about it, Kurt�.

So now here we are; well, here I am and there you are, sitting out here trying to pretend I�m not here and you don�t care. I know you do, not that you�ll ever admit it. You can�t.

I just wish you were here. Here. With me. Sitting out here on the sand, my arms wrapped around you, your head resting on my shoulder as we watch the waves breaking against the sand. And not back there, on that porch in that house. His house. Jericho�s house. The one who wanted you all these years and finally got you because I�m that damn foolish.

It hurts to see you with him and I almost hope you know that. I see you together, watch you brushing the hair back from his face and wish that could be me, remember when it was. It makes me sick when I remember the nights we spent together, in bed together, when I�d kiss you and make love to you, feel you beneath me, so hot and so in love, so happy. We were good together. Now you�re good together with Chris Jericho.

I sigh into the wind, your name on my lips and your face in my memory. Nights when we lay together, and I can still see you, how beautiful you were then, with me. Lying in a bed, head resting against the pillows, your eyes closed and a smile on your lips, one arm draped across your stomach and the other resting above your head. The curve of your hip, the muscled plane on your stomach, smooth and warm to the touch, tantalisingly close to me, shivering as I brushed my fingertips over your skin. I can almost feel it now, the way you reacted to me, that smile, the look in your eyes as they�d flutter open and focus right on me. God Kurt, I miss you.

But I can�t have you. You�re so near and yet so far, just back there, just sitting there watching me. I can feel your eyes on me. But I can�t even turn to look at you, let alone go to you. I don�t know what I was thinking coming here because I can�t ask you to take me back. I can�t make up for any of this. I don�t know what made me think I could. There was never any way.

All I want is what you offered me once � the rest of my life with you. That�s everything I want.

Except maybe in this one moment it�s not everything. Because all I want is you here with me, beside me. It doesn�t have to be forever. All I want is a minute, Kurt. Thirty seconds of your time. A moment, even. One last glance into your eyes knowing you love me.

Finally I stand, feel my chest tighten, know you�re behind me, just back there, so very close. And all I can think now is I wish you weren�t there. Because I wish you were here.

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End
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