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Title: When I�m Down
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: R again. *sobs hysterically* Please muses, c�mon and give me something graphic!
Content: Erm, strong language, angst, implied slash. I think that covers it.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought. And the song �When I�m Down� belongs to Chris Cornell.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Is Raven good enough for Matt?
Notes: The title�s from the song �When I�m Down� by Chris Cornell, and you really should listen to his album �cause it�s amazing. And this is just a little ficlet inspired once again by my hyperactive Raven-muse who wants in on everything I write. Basically, don�t blame me, blame him.

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When I�m Down
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You say you love me and I believe you. Of course I didn�t in the beginning, but I kinda have to now. You haven�t given me much choice.

For starters, you tell me at least five times each and every single fucking day, if not more. You say you�re just telling me what you feel and that you�re not trying to pressure me into saying anything back before I�m ready, and even if sometimes if feels like that�s exactly what you�re doing I know you aren�t because you don�t lie to me. I�m not sure you lie to anyone at all, let alone me. You know how upset I�d be if you did.

And it�s not as if you go around telling everyone you love them either � I swear the one and only person I�ve ever heard you say it to who isn�t me is your brother, and even then it was only that one time. You�re not exactly an overly emotional person who wanders around telling everyone exactly how they feel all the time, day and night.

So that�s one reason I have to believe it. That alone would probably be enough to convince me, I�m pretty sure. That�s the way you make sure you know that I know that you love me.

But there�s another reason. And I don�t even think you realise it.

It�s in everything about you. And I do mean everything. It�s in absolutely every little thing you ever do. It�s in the way you smile at me, it�s in the look in your eyes. It�s the tone of your voice when you talk to me, no matter what you�re saying, because it�s even there when you�re mad or when you�re bored or when you�re yelling. It�s the way you can sit with me for hours and never feel the need to talk. It�s the way that when you do talk there�s not a hint of self-consciousness because you�re at ease around me. It�s the way you look at me. It�s the way you touch me, the way you can sit with me and lean back against my chest and play with the ends of my hair like you�d be content to do that forever. It�s the way you want me and the way you need me.

So every time you tell me, I know it�s true. Because every little thing you do just makes me more and more certain. And the more I see and the more I watch, the more I think you love me just a little bit more each and every day.

***

I don�t think you�re ever going to understand how scary it really is to know that someone loves you unconditionally. I know that�s how you feel about me, and you�re not making any attempt at all to hide it. You�d do anything for me and you�d never ask me for anything in return. And that�s what�s scary. I could do anything and you�d never ask for either an apology or an explanation, you�d just be there, no questions asked, loving me. I know you wouldn�t think that�s scary at all, because you�d be so happy if I loved you that way too. But it is, if simply because I know I don�t deserve it.

I don�t deserve any of it. I don�t deserve to be able to ask you for anything and know you�ll do it right away. I don�t deserve to know I can hurt you in any way imaginable and you�ll never ever leave. I don�t deserve to have such a perfect lover. I don�t deserve your love and above all I don�t deserve you. I keep having to ask myself if this is real or if it�s a dream. And sometimes I almost wish it was because then I wouldn�t feel like such a bad guy.

I know I wouldn�t feel this way if I could be everything you deserve. The problem is that I�m not, and I never will be. What you need is someone who�ll love you heart and soul, body and mind, and have the backbone to tell you. You need someone who�ll love you the way you love me, who won�t be shy to let that shine through, who�d give you the world on a plate if you asked him to, who�d need you and want you and tell you that, who�d treat you the way you should know you deserve to be treated. I�m not doing any of that.

But the worst thing about it, even worse than knowing I�m nowhere near good enough for you, is knowing you don�t care. Either that or you don�t see it, and I don�t know which one�s worse. If you know then that means you want to be with me so much it doesn�t matter that I�m so beneath you even if that�s got to hurt you like hell, and even if it�s your choice I�m taking advantage of you. And if you don�t � then I�m just taking advantage of you, plain and simple. Either way this is pretty fucking twisted. And I know I can�t leave you so it�s just going to keep going on and on. I must make you feel so worthless. Hell, I know I do, �cause with the way I am there�s no other way you could feel. I don�t treat you right. And I�ve never once told you I love you. You think I don�t care about you. You act like it doesn�t matter or like you don�t know you feel that way, but I can see how much it hurts you that you�ve told me so many times and I�ve never even said it once. I know it has to kill you to love me like you do and have me treat you like this.

It�s got to make you feel worthless if I can�t even muster a smile for you. You�re always so cheerful and it�s like you love being in love with me. Everything you do�s like a celebration of that. But when I�m with you I�m miserable. I don�t smile, I don�t laugh � I just sit and brood and occasionally chip in on the conversation. You lie in my arms with a smile on your face and you look up at me like you�re expecting me to smile back, but I never do. And I never will.

Last night we were at your place before we shipped out for a show, and you took me to bed. I made love to you there, like I have so many times before. You showed me you loved me then, too. You came with my name on your lips and then you lay there with me in your bed. And you looked at me like you expected something, and obviously it was something I couldn�t give. You looked so beautiful with your face flushed and slick with sweat, breathing heavy, this perfect smile on your face like you were the happiest man alive, and you looked at me. Then your face fell. I think you wanted me to smile back or kiss you or something but I just didn�t react.

And it�s always that way. I wish you could see that there�s something wrong with that � I mean, you should be with someone who�ll never hesitate to do what you want him to do and who�ll love you and show you exactly how he feels all the time. You should never have to be disappointed. Life with me is just one big disappointment. You should know that by now.

Or maybe you just wanted me to look happy. I think that would�ve been enough for you.

***

I think you think that you don�t make me happy, because it�s not like you�ve never seen me act that way. When we first got together I acted that was all the time, but slowly I started to change. And you�ve seen me hang around with crowds of people and smile and laugh and make conversation, laugh at jokes, seem exactly like one of the guys. I�ll go out for drinks and be just like the rest of them.

But then we get home and it�s like I�m not the same person anymore. Suddenly that whole happy side just vanishes and what you�re left with is misery. Everything changes back to the way it was before and I go back to brooding and silence, or pessimism or whatever if I�m actually talking. You�ve got to believe I hate myself and think I don�t deserve anything, except that sometimes I act like I think I�m so hard done by that I never deserved any of the bad things that have happened to me. Sometimes I�m self-righteous and saying that I�m a good person really who�s just had bad things happen to him and you�ve got to think I�m obnoxious then. And nothing you say ever seems to make it any better.

You try to cheer me up all the time. I think you�ve tried just about everything now, from taking me out for food to movies to picnics to just sitting and talking with me. You�ve tried telling me you love me and that everything�s going to be okay because you�re there. You�ve tried telling me that nothing else matters but the fact that you love me. I just shrug it off and tell you I wish it could be that simple.

We�ll make love and you�ll think maybe that�s made things better because you can tell I enjoy it when we�re together like that. I look into your big brown eyes and I see that you think you�re making me happy, even if it�s just for a second. Then your expression changes when I just look back at you, blank.

And then we�ll be out with friends and immediately I�m a whole other person again. I�m alive and friendly and enjoying every minute.

So you must think that you don�t make me happy. That�s what it must be if I�m happy around everyone else and then suddenly I�m the very soul of despair when we�re alone together, right?

***

You should never have fallen for me, Matt. You don�t deserve to be stuck with someone as fucked up as me. I�m a head case and I know it � you should too. Maybe if you did then you�d just leave well alone. Except I get the feeling that if you knew you�d just love me more and want to help me. You�d smother me in love and tell yourself that�s why I�m the way I am and you�d try to make me better again.

That�s the problem. I�ve never been better, and you can�t see that.

I�ve always been this way, Matt, ever since the day I was born. I can�t remember a time I was any different. This is like a way of life to me, it�s who I am and it�s who I�ll always be. I look like I�m happy in public, when I�m around people, because I�ve learned to put a face on it. I act like I�m happy because I know that�s how I�m supposed to be and it�s what people expect. I acted like I was happy around you in the beginning because I knew it was what you expected me to do.

But around you, I�ve stopped putting on an act. I�m showing you who I really am. I�m broken and I�m fucked up and this is how I am all the time. I�m never any different. And I�ve never known how to express how I feel because right from the start if I expressed any sort of emotion at all it was cut right down and I was left with nothing. I stopped showing anyone emotion and I haven�t for so long that I�ve forgotten how. I want to show you but I can�t. I�m so scared you�ll never know how I feel, because I�m too scared to show you. I don�t think I could handle rejection so it�s safer for me this way. But I want you to know how I feel, I just don�t think you ever will. That�s why you shouldn�t be with me.

You think you don�t make me happy. You think that I don�t love you. You�re wrong. I may not act like it, but you�re wrong. When we�re alone I act like you make me miserable. When we�re not I act like you don�t affect me at all. But that�s not how it is. I love you and you do make me happy, I just can�t tell you.

And I�m never going to be happy the same way you are � clinical depression can do that to you. You should never expect me to smile and laugh and have all of that be true because I can�t do it. I don�t feel it. But as clich�d and overly sentimental as it sounds, you�re like a light shining through all that. You�re the only happiness I have in my whole life, even if you don�t know it. Even if you never will.

I think sometimes, when I�m acting cheerful like I�m having a good time and putting it on for the guys, you think I could love you. But I don�t love you when I�m cheerful. I don�t love you when I�m bright or enthusiastic or anything like that.

But there�s a time when I love you - I love you when I�m down.

And Matt � there�s one more thing you need to know. I�m down all the time.

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End
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