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Title: Wanted
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected] / [email protected]
Rating: PG-13, kinda. Read the content warning first.
Content: mentions of m/m sex, a bit of language, mentions of violence� maybe angst depending on your point of view.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not saying this happened. Also don�t own any of the lyrics from Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead.
Distribution: Simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just tell me where.
Summary: Kurt�s feelings about his �relationship� with Hunter.
Notes: Not my usual type of Hunter/Kurt. I wonder where this came from� Obviously my muses are feeling neglected with all this Matt/Jeff I�ve been doing and wanted to torture me with something different. Kinda inspired by a line from Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead. I�ll type it out at the end �cos I guess it�d spoil the story if I did it here.

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Wanted
by Lizzie
***

I�m leaving you.

You have no idea how many times I�ve stood in front of the mirror, stared into the eyes of my reflection and said those words, pretending like you can hear me, pretending like I�m ending it. So many times. It�s like my own little mantra. You walk into a room and I�m chanting it silently or under my breath but I can�t get the words out when you�re near me. They run through my head, taunting me.

I�m leaving you.

At least I would be if I had the guts. The fact is, I don�t, and I don�t think I ever will. I�ve really got to face it. I can�t leave you. I�ll never leave you. I wish I could because I know I should, I know I have to, but I can�t. I�m stuck with you forever.

You�ll never leave me either. I know you won�t. Maybe that seems na�ve of me, but I know you can�t leave me, although it�s for completely different reasons. You need me. And you love me. You love me so much that I think I�ll suffocate just being around you. So you can�t leave.

Where does that leave us? Together, for better and for worse, �til death do us part. I guess that�s what the rings are for.

You know, sometimes this ring feels more like a lead weight around my neck than a gold ring on my finger. I look at it and I know that I have no future without you. I�m tied to you whether I like it or not.

***

I remember meeting you for the first time. Okay so it wasn�t technically the very first time, but it was the first time I really noticed you, you know, that way. I remember because you were biggest guy in the room, standing almost dead centre, with Jeff Hardy draped all over you. He had on all his regular clothes but there was something extra that time, this little collar, the metal kind with a ring on the front, and there was a chain attached to it. You were holding the end of the chain in your hand, wrapped around it �til there was only around a foot left between your fist and his throat, and suddenly I had this funny feeling as I watched the two of you.

I wondered what was happening, what I�d walked in on, but there were other people in the room and apparently they didn�t think anything of it. Except for Jeff�s brother who didn�t seem all that happy but he wasn�t saying anything. Besides, Jeff looked perfectly content right where he was. I couldn�t take my eyes off you, off Jeff, off the bruises on his face and on his arms and the smile on his face. There wasn�t a doubt in my mind that all of it was because of you, and I wasn�t sure how that made me feel. I wasn�t sure if it was supposed to make me feel anything.

Then Chris Jericho walked over and I didn�t know whether to be angry or relieved when he started talking. All I know is it got my mind off you and Jeff.

But only until later that day, because I walked into the locker room and there you were again, Jeff on your lap, your hands in his hair and resting on his thigh. I almost turned and walked right back out, but then you leant forward and kissed him on his forehead, and he got up to leave. You unclipped the chain and he walked out of the room, past me. You watched him as he left, then your gaze fell on me.

�Kurt�, you said, almost smirking. �C�mon over. Take a seat�.

So I did. To this day I have no idea why, but I did.

And we started to talk. Like normal people, like two guys who work together. We talked about the show, we talked about angles and injuries, eventually got round to talking about championships and the pushes we were both getting. It was great but kinda strange �cause we�d never really talked before and then there we were talking almost like we were friends. And of course that�s what we ended up being.

We started eating out together, hanging out after shows, catching movies. We talked a lot and I tried to pretend it didn�t bother me when you told me about Jeff. Or about Matt. I found out that was the reason for the look he was giving you that day - you were seeing both brothers and Matt didn�t like it. Jeff didn�t mind, apparently, but Matt thought it was kinda wrong, wanted you to choose. But that wasn�t what bothered me the most about it; you started to tell me about what you did with them, and that got to me.

I was right that day when I thought you were responsible for the bruises on Jeff�s arms and face. You said he needed it, wanted it, and even if I didn�t doubt it, I thought it was a little strange. I couldn�t understand how he could need you to hurt him. Because it must�ve hurt when you did that to him, no matter how good you could make it feel. And I never understood how he could let you put a chain around his neck in public like that. It must have been humiliating for him in some way, to have everyone see him like that, as your property. But you said he needed that too.

I couldn�t help myself. Whenever you talked about them, no matter how awkward it made me feel, I had to go and pry into it just a little more. I wanted to know what you did, all the details. I wanted to know how you made them like it, why they needed it, why you did it. I think I kinda needed to know, y�know? Probably out of morbid curiosity, kinda like slowing down when you pass a road accident or something. It was almost painful because I didn�t want to know but I really, really did. I guess it was just something I had no experience of, and I felt kinda left out or inexperienced or whatever. Sometimes it actually made me feel ill hearing what you did, but I couldn�t tell you to stop talking. Morbid curiosity, I kept telling myself.

Except I couldn�t explain it away as curiosity when the conversation started to take that first turn. Some things you said could be taken at more than face value. Some of the things were downright shocking when I took them a certain way. You didn�t actually come right out and ask if I was into guys, but you kinda hinted at it. You hinted that you thought I might need what you gave Matt and Jeff. And I never said no. I didn�t tell you that I didn�t want it, that I wasn�t interested, that I was happy the way I was. I didn�t tell you I wasn�t gay, either. In fact, I think I hinted that I might be bi. I�m sure people have done that before, pretended they�re something they�re not because they think it makes them more interesting. I though you might stop talking to me if I said I was straight.

For some reason I never got around to telling you that I wasn�t interested that way. I think I wanted the attention. I liked being around you - you were the most interesting person I knew by a long shot and I was amazed you might actually be interested in me. I started to think I might actually want what you were offering, too. So when you finally sat me down and asked me if I wanted to be with you, I didn�t say no. You took my silence as affirmation. I didn�t tell you you were wrong.

***

Being sub for you was weird at first. For a start I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I think I was still treating it as a kind of game back then. I thought I could back out at any second, that I was safe. I managed to convince you that I wanted you to do everything to me that you did to the Hardyz, I�d lied my way into your affections, and then things really started to get difficult. You asked me to do things that I wasn�t sure I could do. You asked me to beg for you. I said no. You told me I would and eventually I did, but it was all only ever because you wanted me to. It made you happy and even if I was doing things I didn�t want to do it seemed like that was okay because it was what you wanted. It kept you interested.

Because I wanted you interested. I didn�t want to tell you to stop because then you�d know I�d been stringing you along and if you knew that then you wouldn�t want anything to do with me again. I didn�t want that. You were important to me, if only as an idea, because in a way I knew that being with you made me special. You wanted me. Sometimes I wasn�t sure you did, when you were goading me into believing you were going to leave, but you did that because you have this thing about messing with people�s heads. I should�ve known that better than anyone - I�d sat through whole hours of conversation about what you did to other people, so when you did it to me I should�ve been prepared. But I wasn�t. I�ve never been prepared for anything you�ve done to me.

I wasn�t prepared for the way you love me. I didn�t think that love entered into the equation - I thought you wanted me to be just like Jeff was that day when I saw you together, like a good little pet. But there are two sides to you. Sometimes that�s what you want. And sometimes you just want me, the real me. Sometimes I�m sub for you and you dominate me completely. Sometimes we�re together and you want me to be your equal. It�s hard to separate the times out, though, because it all seems the same to me. Except when we�re equal you make love to me. Really make love. I didn�t think that was what you wanted, except I must�ve been deluding myself because I know you�re bi and I must have known you were sleeping with Jeff. Maybe Matt too, except I think he was more of a pure masochist and all he wanted was the pain. But you made love to me. I thought I�d hate it. At least I can say one thing for you - you made me realise I really am bi and that I wasn�t just pretending and maybe hoping I was. But that didn�t mean I wanted to be with you.

Sometimes we�d have the same kinds of conversations as we�d had before, just talking about work or whatever, and it�d feel like everything was okay. Then you�d talk about all the other people you were with and you�d try to make me jealous. It wasn�t obvious but I knew that was what you were trying to do. It didn�t work. Well, not in the way you hoped, anyhow. You wanted me to feel jealous that you were with them, doing the things you did to them, because I wanted you to be with me exclusively and save everything you had for me. I was jealous all right, but because I knew that I wasn�t the only one you wanted. I felt less special when you were with them. So when you walked me into telling you I wanted you to leave them, I went along with it. I told you that you had to stop seeing them. And you said you would.

I think it was right about then that I started to get scared.

***

You�re asleep now, and I keep thinking how easy it would be to just get out of bed and leave you, never look back. But then when I move to do it, I find I�m rooted to the spot. I look over at you as you sleep and I know I can�t leave.

You�re beautiful when you sleep. You�re beautiful all the time, 23/7, but even more so when you sleep. Because you look so innocent. Because I know you can�t hurt me. You can�t decide that I need beating today, hit me �til you have to stop because your knuckles hurt. You can�t decide you�re going to mess with my head, see how far you can push, playing on every single insecurity you know I have �til I just snap. You do that a lot, and you do it so well because of how well you know me. I never knew just how well you knew me �til this started. Then I realised you knew me better than anyone ever has, better than anyone ever will. That terrified me.

I want to leave you. I�ve wanted to in a way since the day all this started, because it was never what I wanted. Well, not really. You�ve never made me want it the way you seemed to make Matt and Jeff and all the others I know you�ve been with want it. I�ve gone along with everything, played up to everything you did, because it was what you thought and expected I�d do. That�s one thing you don�t know. You think you know me so well, and for the most part you do, but there�s one big gap in your knowledge. I don�t want this. I�m pretending I do so you won�t leave me.

I think the problem is that I�m scared to leave you. Maybe I�m scared of what you�d do, but I don�t think that�s the whole reason. You�d be upset, because I know that for some reason you�ve fallen in love with me. That�s one thing you just can�t hide from me. And I don�t want to hurt you. But that�s not what I�m scared of. I think I�m scared of being on my own. After being with you, after having you decide everything in my life for me for so long, I don�t think I can be alone again. It�s not safe. Being here with you is. I don�t have to take any risks because you�re there with me and I know you won�t leave me. I know you love me and that makes me feel so good. I don�t have to have my heart broken with you.

But I�m scared to death every moment I�m with you.

I�m scared you�re going to tell everyone about us, about what we do, what you do to me. I�m scared you�ll go too far and hurt me too bad and I�ll wind up scarred and disfigured for the rest of my life. I�m scared you�ll find out that I don�t want any of this. I�m scared I�ll do something wrong and you�ll love me less. I�m scared you�ll get to know me so well that you can manipulate every little thing I do. I�m scared you�ll take over my entire life. And most of all, I�m scared you�ll make me want it.

***

I don�t love you. I think you think I do, or at least you�re managing to delude yourself pretty convincingly if you know I don�t. But I don�t love you. I don�t think I ever could. I don�t even like you that much as a person. You�re rude and arrogant, you�re fairly egotistical, you�re manipulative, you�re callous, you�re overwhelming� You say things I wish you wouldn�t say. Some of the things you do annoy the hell out of me. You do things just to annoy me. You flirt incessantly and you talk about me and you won�t tell me where you�ve been or what you�ve been doing. You monopolise my time. You monopolise me.

And I hate the way you talk to me. It�s as if I�m nothing, not worth a damn thing, half the time. You talk to me like I�m a six-year-old and not a grown man. We could be getting along just fine and then you�ll say something that just irks me, patronises me. I hate that.

Or we�ll be having a nice normal conversation, and you�ll say something that makes me cringe. Maybe we�ll be talking about the injury list, about work, about the show we�re just driving to or something, anything, and suddenly you�ll twist it so you�re talking about us and about what you want to do with me. I hate that especially. Because you just don�t get that our whole lives don�t revolve around what you want to do and what you think I want you to do. We have lives outside of the bedroom, Hunter. I wish you�d see that.

I don�t love you. I know you love me, and sometimes you make me feel good, like when you pay me an unexpected compliment, when you smile at me without that look in your eyes, when you kiss me and don�t expect it to go any further. I feel loved, and that�s good. But it doesn�t balance out the bad things. It doesn�t even tip the scale. It actually hurts me just to be with you. I feel like less of a man because of what you do. I feel like less of a man because I don�t like you and I don�t like being with you, but I can�t leave you.

I wish I could tell you I�m only with you because I like feeling wanted. I�m with you because I like the attention, not because I like you. And if I wasn�t so scared I�d be out of this bed and out of your life like a shot. I�d be down the hall asking Chris Jericho if he�d like to have dinner with me. Give it a few hours and I could be kissing him, I could be in his bed, I could be starting out in a normal relationship, one where I don�t feel so small and insignificant. If only you didn�t make me feel like I don�t matter, like you�re using me to make yourself feel good. Because that�s exactly how you make me feel.

And I know Chris wouldn�t make me feel that way. There�s just one problem. I�m scared he�d reject me. I�m scared he�d say no, I�m scared he�d leave me in the end and I�d be alone again. I don�t want to be alone. So being with you is safe. Because I know I�ll never be alone if I have you. There�s no risk involved.

So I�ll let you beat me, bleed me, tie me down, mess with my head. I�ll let you do whatever you want as long as you don�t leave me. And I�ll pretend I like it. I�ll pretend you make me happy and I�ll pretend I love you. Just as long as you don�t notice how I�m staring at Chris every time your back�s turned.

But you know what? I�m not wishing I had the courage to leave you. I�ve never wished for that. There�s only one thing I want, that I want so much it hurts, so much that sometimes I can almost convince myself I have it, that I want so much it makes me ache inside. I look at you and I know what I want.

I want to be the person you think I am. I want to be who you want. If I could be who you wanted, forever, every second, every heartbeat� that�s all I want. Because I know how good it could be. It could be perfect. It could be the love of my life, it could be fire and passion and longing all the time. It could be true love. I could be yours, completely. That�s what I want. And I want it with you, Hunter. Only with you.

I want to love you.

***
End
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�If I could be who you wanted, all the time� - Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead.