***

Title: Unrequited
Author: Elizabeth
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: PG-13 this part.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will, not saying this happened.
Distribution: If you want it you can have it. Just let me know where it is and what you've done with it.
Summary: Jay's in love with Adam. But Adam's *not* in love with Jay. Where do they go from here?
Notes: My first real Adam/Jay fic - before I've only ever written Edge/Christian in the silly sense. I suddenly got all serious. I'm enjoying writing this so hopefully it doesn't suck 'cos you'll be getting more. Much more :)

**Unrequited
by Elizabeth**

"Just... just leave me alone".

"Look, Jay. Jay. It's okay, really. I know what it's like".

"How could you? How can it be? Since when have you been in love with your best friend, huh? C'mon, tell me. You know what this is like? Huh? Do you?"

"Okay, so I don't know *exactly* what it's like, but... but... You're in love with me?"

"Well duh, genius. What the fuck did you think we were talking about?"

"Jeff just said you thought I was hot, that's all. He didn't say you were, that you're... you're... You're in love with me?"

"Jeff Hardy is a dead man".

"Don't blame Jeff, Jay. It's not his fault".

"It's not?"

"No, it's not. Yo're the one who told him. You're the one who's... who's in... who thinks they're... Damnit, Jay! Couldn't you've kept this to yourself? You know how Jeff gets when he's drunk".

"Yeah - stupid and loud-mouthed".

"So, not unlike someone else I can think of right now. God, Jay, I so totally didn't need to hear this right now. Or at all".

"I'm sorry".

"It's a little late for 'sorry' now, don't you think?"

"I guess so".

"You should never have told Jeff".

"I know, I know. I shouldn't but I just needed to tell someone and he's one of my best friends and I thought maybe this time he's keep his mouth shut".

"You should *never* have told Jeff".

"I know, I'm sorry".

"Don't be".

"Huh?"

"Don't be sorry, Jay. Just be gone".

"Adam?"

"Leave, Jay. Now. Go. Before I do something I'll regret. Just go. Now. I fucking mean it, Jay, just get out!"

***

Jay blinked back tears as he closed the door behind him. He felt dumb being about to cry. It was completely ridiculous when he thought about it - he'd always known what Adam's reaction would be and he'd been steeling himself for it for years. He'd known exactly what would happen. He'd played it through over and over in his head going through each and every possibility from Adam pulling out a gun or choking him to death with his bare hands to him clutching at his chest and dropping dead of shock. So he shouldn't have been surprised. And he definitely shouldn't have had tears in his eyes.

But he *had* just lost the best friend he'd ever had. And all because of one duimbass conversation late one night with a guy he knew was lousy when it came to secrets. Jeff was one hell of a good friend, right up until he heard the words 'you can't tell anyone, but...' It was pretty much common knowledge that he had a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon. And of course Jay would have to choose him to tell. Really he deserved everything he'd got.

So he didn't cry. Not as he stood there outside the room and not as he walked to the leveator, not as he shuffled into the bar. But he was actually shaking as he picked up the glass, almost tipping straight bourbon directly down the front of his shirt. He didn't feel good. Hell, that was the understatement of the year. He felt kinda like someone had just plunged a knife into his chest, hacked apart his ribs and torn ou his still beating heart. Yeah, that pretty much summed it up. Better than 'not good', anyway.

He slammed down his glass, ordered a beer and told the barman to keep them coming. He wasn't trying to get drunk, even if he was pretty sure it'd help - he was just trying to take the edge off. Edge. Ha. And he wasn't in the mood for talking, either - the barman gave it a try in that distinctly barmanlike way but gave up when Jay just looked up at him like he was about to take the elevator all the way up and go jump off of the hotel roof. What he was doing - along with all five others drinking there that night - could be most accurately described as drowning his sorrows. And that's just what he wanted to do. He wanted to drown his sorrows, not talk them over with the prying bar staff.

He definitely had sorrows to drown, more than he'd ever be able to deal with. The two main ones being along the lines of 'how fucking stupid was I to tell Jeff Hardy?' and 'oh my God, Adam hates me now'. He couldn't keep from cursing himself. Surely it was bad enough he was in love with his best friend - Adam of all people, Mr Dictionary Definition of Heterosexuality himself - but knowing all that and knowing what would probably happen, he had to go and tell Jeff Hardy. Great idea, Jay. Yeah, if your number one objective is to fuck up your life beyond all recognition. Way to go.

But he'd had to tell someone. He'd had to or he would've gone completely insane, no doubt about it. It was terrible, being around him all the time and sharing a room with him and having to pretend like he hated him in public and all the time knowing he couldn't do anything about the way he felt, couldn't ever act on it no matter what because Adam just wasn't like that. Jay was his best friend. Jay was the guy he roomed with and travelled with and talking about girls with. Not being able to be with him or even tell him was like some particularly malicious form of medieval torture. He'd just had to tell someone, get it off his chest before it got too much for him to handle, before he broke down and told Adam everything.

So he'd told Jeff. Knowing full well what was bound to happen, he'd told Jeff Hardy.

And now Adam knew anyway. He wasn't sure whether he should be relieved or petrified, but mostly he was petrified. This so couldn't be good.

***

"I told you I'd tell him. You *know* what happens when I'm drunk".

"So this is *my* fault?"

"Yeah. Absolutely".

"Well, isn't that just fucking great. Fan-fucking-tastic, Jeff. You ruin my life and yet somehow that's *my* fault".

"You know I can't keep a secret to save my life! I tell everyone that. All the guys know that if you want something kept quiet then you don't tell me. I'm like the Federation broadcast beacon. I even told you not to tell me because I know I'd have to tell someone. Hell, I can't even keep my own secrets. You were just looking for someone to tell because you... you... you wanted him to know. Yuu must have".

"That is the last thing I ever wanted".

"THen why the hell did you tell me? I told you not to. You knew what would happen. None of this would've happened if you'd just listened to me and now you're blaming me for something I told you I'd do. You knew. You can't tell me you didn't know".

"Well, maybe I just thought you'd think twice before ruining my life, Jeff".

"I didn't mean to".

"You didn't mean to? You didn't mean to. Adam's in our room right now. Alone. I'm not there. You may have noticed this. Because right after he found out I'm in love with him he practically threw me out. Now not only do I not have a best friend anymore, but I don't have anywhere to sleep tonight".

"Whoa there. You love him? You did *not* tell me that. You can't blame me for that 'cause I had no idea. You didn't tell me that. I didn't tell him that".

"No, I did that all by myself".

"I just told him you thought he was kinda hot".

"And you told him I'm into guys".

"He's gotta be pretty blind if he doesn't see that. Wait. Oh. Oh God, he didn't know? No way!"

"Way".

"Even with the way you and Billy Kidman've been going at it?"

"Even with that".

"Jesus, Jay, I'm sorry".

"Yeah, well I shouldn't've gone off at you like that".

"What can you say? You're just a lousy drunk".

"I'm not drunk, I've just had..."

"...about six beers too many in the hotel bar? Well, duh. You show up outside my room at one am blaming me for, well, y'know, and you're not drunk? You lie".

"When you put it that way, I guess I am a pretty lousy drunk".

"No problem. I guess I kinda deserved it. Hmmm... c'mon in here before someone complains. Matt's gone for the night so you can take his bed".

"Thanks. You know you're a life saver?"

"Hadn't I ruined your life a second ago?"

"Cute. You wouldn't happen to be in the market for a new best friend, would you?"

"Well, I guess Matt's kinda AWOL".

"You know I love you like a brother, right?"

"Oh, now I know you're drunk. And you do know what I do with Matt, right?"

"OKay so I love you like a brother you're not fucking".

"Oh and you make it sound so darn special. Love you too".

"At least someone does".

"Way to wallow in self pity, Jay".

"It's true, though".

"Shut up".

"Thanks".

"Night, Jay".

"Night, Jeff".

***

THe night passed too slowly. Jay lay awake in his boxers in Matt's bed, listening to Jeff breathe; he must've been listening for over two hours, just staring into the dark or the crack of light coming from under the door, trying not to think about how he'd screwed things up. Because whatever way he looked at it, he was screwed. He'd tried to convince himself that it was okay because at least now he didn't have to feel like he was suffocating in Adam's blissful obliviousness, but then he realised he was worse off now than he had been before. By a long shot. Because not only did it not feel better that Adam knew, but if felt so much worse. He hadn't stopped suffocating. He was being smothered by the panic that welled up every time he remembered the look on his ex-partner's face, panic so thick that it made him sick at his helplessness. There was nothing he could do.

He finally drifted into shallow, tortured sleep around four am, waking every time Jeff moved and his mattress squeaked. Then he'd just force himself to take slow, deep breaths until the panic died down and he'd go back to listening to Jeff breathe. It was oddly relaxing, hearing him inhale, hold, exhale, over and over, rhythmically, soothingly. And evntually he'd drift back to sleep.

But the wakeup call from the lobby wok ehim up once and for all. He woke with a jolt, looked over at Jeff in the twin bed who just groaned and pulled a pillow over his head, then picked up the phone and mumbled something barely intelligible at the deliriously chipper woman on the other end. He hung up and sighed, throwing his pillow at Jeff who was already falling asleep again. He yawned and peered out at him from under the pillows with tired, mock-glaring green eyes.

And then the door opened and in walked Matt.

"Hey, Jeff. Hey, Jay". He pulled off his jacket and hung it on the coathook on the back of the door as Jeff and Jay exchanged a slightly confused look. Then Matt turned back around slowly, frowning. "Uh, Jay... is there any particular reason you're in my bed?"

"Early birthday present?" Jeff joked, smirking as Matt quirked an eyebrow. "Hey, it was free. Jay needed a place to sleep so he got your bed. Don't tell me you're angry - you're the one who left me alone and stayed out all night, remember?"

Matt just shrugged. "So, you coming down to breakfast?"

Jeff looked over and Jay shook his head, hoping the pathetic expression on his face was enough to dissuade them both from trying to persuade him. It worked.

"I'll be right down, Matty". Matt nodded and stalked back out of the room; Jeff climbed out of bed, grabbed his clothes from a case by the wall and started pulling them on.

"You can borrow a shirt if you don't wanna wear yours again", Jeff told him, trying to balance on one leg while he pulled on a pair of baggy black jeans. "Damn, these are Matt's. You know your shirt reeks of bourbon, right?" Jay shrugged.

"S'okay. I should grab my stuff from my room. Adam's room. Fuck".

Jeff winced over at him, almost falling over as he pulled on a pair of platform sneakers. "Give me your key and I'll go for you".

"It's in my pocket". Jeff grabbed Jay's jeans from the top of the dresser, fished out a keycard and flung the pants in the general direction of Jay's head. "Thanks", he said, disentangling a button from his hair. "I so don't need to face him right now".

"No problem", Jeff said, twisting up his hair. "Look, come get something to eat. It's gonna be a long trip and..."

"Fuck".

"What?"

"I'm s'posed to be sharing a car with Adam".

"So ride with me and Matt and Amy. They won't care".

Jay smiled. "Has anyone ever told you you're a life saver?" "Give me five minutes and I'll meet you down there. Think I'll borrow that shirt. Mine reeks of bourbon".

***

"Jay".

He couldn't believe it. Of all the people he had to run into on the way to breakfast. He almost couldn't breathe. And all he could think was 'typical. Fucking typical'.

"About the car..."

"I'm driving down with Matt, Jeff and Amy".

"Oh".

And then he walked away, leaving Jay staring after him. Just standing there outside the elevator doors, staring. And when Jeff tugged on his sleeve and asked if he was okay he just mumbled at him like Cletus the slack-jawed yokel or something. Not that Jeff minded - he just steered him into the dining room and practically force-fed him enough grapefruit and coffee to feed the entire United States Marine Corps. Jeff had seen Adam and was trying to take Jay's mind off of him with food. Jay barely even noticed how much he was eating, he just apologised every three seconds for being distant.

***

Matt drove. Amy sat up front and constantly played with the radio. Jeff slept. Jay listened to him breathe.

Thanks to the crappy traffic, the trip took six and a half hours, but eventually they were over the border and checking into hotel rooms in Calgary. Usually Jay felt a little buzz as he crossed back into Canada, but not this time. He was sitting in a car full of Americans and Adam wasn't there to be patriotic and generally silly with him. So he just sat there leaning against the window, shivering and wondering if Adam felt even half as lonely as he did without him. But in the end he guessed not.

Except he realised there was a flaw in his logic. Adam had to be lonely - it stood to reason since he was taking the trip alone. He'd be alone in a rental car, missing his best friend. But the real problem was that Jay wasn't really his best friend. Jay wasn't the guy he'd always thought he was. Adam would be missing the Jay he thought he knew, not the real Jay. Sitting in the car with Amy and Matt bickering over the radio and the sleeping Jeff, Jay found that thought extremely depressing.

Then at last they were there. Jay checked into Matt and Jeff's room with Jeff instead of Matt and Matt checked in with Amy. And finally he managed to sleep.

***

"Jay, wake up. C'mon. Jay, it's time to wake up. Jay!"

"Urrrrgh. Jeff? What time is it?"

"Ten after four".

"What? Whaaa? *Four*?"

"PM, idiot".

"I slept all day?"

"Uh-huh".

"And you let me?"

"You looked like you needed it. Now get up and get your ass in the damn shower before you make us late".

"Yes Mom".

***

A shower and a short car ride later, Jay was falling asleep in the dressing room he was sharing with Matt and Jeff. He wasn't sure how much longer he would keep his eyes open - they kept shutting of their own accord and he'd blink them back open and wonder if he'd been asleep for seconds or minutes. He had no idea how he was managing it, since for starters he was nervous as hell about seeing Adam. Then there was the fact he'd been asleep for almost twenty-four hours already, and that the Hardys were pretty much groping each other at the other side of the room and being quite vocal about it, too.

Then the door opened and Jay's eyes snapped open. Matt and Jeff instinctively sprang apart then went deathly quiet. It was Adam. Jay could see the brothers torn between breathing a sigh of relief and feeling really, really uncomfortable. He couldn't say he blamed them.

"Jay, we need to talk", Adam said. Jay nodded slowly. "Let's, uh, go somewhere. No offence guys, but Jeff has a mouth the size of the Gulf of Mexico".

Jeff shrugged, Matt nodded and Jay stood. Adam left the room and with a quick look to Matt and Jeff, Jay followed.

Adam led him down the corridor to the locker room they should've been sharing, let them both in then closed the door behind them, leaning back against it. Jay played with the tape on his wrists and leant back against the wall.

"Jay, this is stupid".

"It is?" Jay asked before he knew he'd said it, looking up from his wrists. Adam nodded.

"Yeah, it is. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose that. We can deal with this".

"We can?"

"Yeah, we can. Look, no matter what you're always going to be my best friend. This doesn't change a thing. I'm sorry I threw you out. You didn't deserve that. This has to be harder on you than it is on me, I know, and I feel terrible. Do you think we could... still be friend? Maybe? 'Cause I know it's only been one day but I missed having you around".

Jay smiled. "We can still be friends", he said with a nod. "Definitely".

"Great! So no more rooming with Jeff?"

"Nah. I guess Jeff and Matt'll be pleased to hear that, too. It hasn't really been a whole lot of fun being around two horny Hardys who can't lay a finger on each other. God, the moment they get behind a closed door..."

"Hey, a little more information than I needed, thanks".

Jay winced. He kept having to remind himself that even if Adam knew about Matt and Jeff, he didn't necessarily want to hear or talk about it. And he couldn't say he blamed him - the Matt and Jeff thing had been a lot for him to get over himself so he could imagine what it was like for terminally-straight-guy Adam who was having enough trouble dealing with finding out his best friend was gay. He didn't exactly need the gory details of their friends' incestuous homosexual love affair waving around in front of him at regular intervals.

"Sorry", Jay mumbled.

"S'okay. I'd just rather not think about... *that( right now. Hey, how about we grab a pizza after the show?"

"Yeah, that'd be... good".

"I've gotta see Vince, but I'll see you for the match then we'll get going".

Adam headed for the door and Jay found himself nodded and smiling even though he knew Adam couldn't see him. It was weird. He actually felt almost happy.

So, maybe this wasn't a complete distaster after all.

***

THe match went well, despite a tiny bit of apprehension on both parts about actually having to touch each other. But Adam was still essentially treating him like a person and not the scum of the earth, and Matt and Jeff were more than happy to have their room back to themselves. But even if everything seemed to be going great on the surface, Jay was starting to get the unsettling feeling that something was about to go well and truly awry. He even felt nervous as he collected his stuff from what was now back to being Matt and Jeff's room and made his way back to where he was staying with Adam.

It wasn't like he'd never roomed with him before. Hell, it wasn't like he usually roomed with anyone else. But this was the first night since he'd admitted everything and Adam had thrown him out. The word nervous hardly did what he was feeling justice.

But he knocked and when Adam opened the door he had a huge grin on his face, the sort that Jay couldn't help but return. He started to feel better.

There was a pizza and a small sea of cokes sitting on the table; they grabbed them and sank onto the floor in front of the TV tuned to MTV. They ate and drank, complaining over Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera videos, and it felt just like it always had. Until Adam turned to him with a frown on his face that made Jay's stomach tie itself up in knots.

"What?" he heard himself asking, despite the fact that he really didn't want to hear whatever it was that Adam had to say.

"Why to you... uh... Why do you like guys?"

Jay just gaped at him, finally managing to squeak out "What?"

" I just don't get it", Adam said, turning off the TV. "I always thought you were straight. And I *really* don't understand why you like guys. You're a guy. It just seems... weird".

"Are you serious?" Adam nodded. Jay frowned. "Uh, I don't know. It's just, well... why do you like girls?"

Adam shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it just feels right".

"Then I think you have your answer".

"You like guys because it feels right?"

THe way Adam was looking at him, Jay just had to smile. He looked like he was genuinely confused, and on him that looked kind of odd. Just like Edge. Only it really did seem like he was trying to understand, and that was oddly touching. Maybe a little reassuring.

"I guess I was just born this way", he said in the end. "The same as everyone else is born the way they are".

Adam nodded, slowly, in that I-don't-really-get-it-but-I'll-pretend-I-do-anyway way that Jay knew so well.

"I think I get it", he said. "Thanks".

"So you're really okay with this?"

"It's gonna take awhile to get used to but sure. You're my best friend. You being... into guys isn't gonna change that". Adam smiled. "Just don't start bringing guys to the room and we'll be fine, 'kay?"

Jay grinned. "I think I can cope with that", he said.

***

THey ate breakfast in the hotel dining room with Matt, Jeff and Amy the next morning. Then they hit the gym for a couple of hours, showered, ate, met up with Matt and Jeff again and drove to the arena. Smackdown was going out from the same arena as the previous night's house show, in front of a sell-out crowd. Everyone was on a weird kind of mid-week high that no one could explain.

Their spot was quick, just Edge in a non-title match with Lance Storm, Christian running a little interference that got Edge pinned. Then they headed backstage, grabbed their stuff and headed back to the hotel.

The Hardys talked them into a drink in the hotel bar. Jay wasn't really feeling like it, and from the look on Adam's face, he wasn't either. Then again, the look could also have been something to do with how uncomfortable he was being around Matt and Jeff now he knew about them. At some point Jay resolved to sit him down and explain exactly why they were together and why it was okay. Not that Adam would be all that receptive, but maybe eventually knowing how in love they were and how happy they made each other would help. The two of them were so obviously made for each other that Jay wasn't sure how Adam, Amy and himself were the only ones who knew. Evidently Jeff was a lot better at keeping that secret than every other he'd tried to, ever.

Eventually Jay begged out with a headache and went back to the room, leaving Adam with Matt and Jeff and a seemingly neverending supply of beer. Adam seemed to be relaxing a little and being around the Hardys wasn't bothering him so much, and Jay guessed that a little time alone with them might do him good. Not to mention the fact that all he wanted to do was take a shower and sleep for a week. Every single muscle in his entire body was aching and he wasn't entirely sure why.

So he took a hot shower, hoping the heat would help with his sore muscles, but it didn't really. He just ended up with shampoo in his eyes and wrinkly fingers. He rubbed his eyes, towelled off, pulled on a pair of boxers and curled up in bed, determined to get some sleep.

And he did. For maybe all of an hour, 'til the door opened and slammed into the wall, and he looked up from the bed to see Adam walk in. He'd never exactly been the quietest of roommates, that was for sure. Jay groaned and lay back down, pulling the duvet over his head.

"You awake?" Adam pseudo-whispered, loud enough to wake him if he'd actually been asleep. Jay groaned again and sat up.

"I am now", he said, rubbing his eyes. They were still kinda sore from the shampoo incident, and he wished he hadn't bothered. Now he had sore eyes, sore muscles and damp hair, and not only that but he was tired as hell, too. Fabulous.

"Oh, sorry". He felt the mattress shift under him as Adam sat down by his feet. "Didn't mean to wake you up". Jay frowned.

"No, but now I'm awake, is everything okay?"

Adam shrugged. "Guess I've been better".

"So what's wrong? Something happen with Matt and Jeff?"

"Not exactly".

"I'll take that as a yes. So what happened?"

"Well... Y'know, they were just talking. And it got me thinking. That's all".

"Thinking about what, exactly?"

"Oh, just, y'know, about what it must be like for them".

Jay frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Having to keep it a secret. That must be hard. You ever notice how they are together? It's scary. They just love each other so much. I can't believe no one else knows. You'd think they'd be able to tell just by looking at them".

"I know exactly what you mean".

"That must be so hard on them. If they weren't related then there wouldn't be a problem, they'd just be two guys together and it's not like that's never happened before... oh, Jeff told me about Billy Kidman".

Jay froze, suddenly feeling very, very cold. "What about Billy Kidman?" he asked, completely in spite of himself.

"About you and him. It's okay, Jay, I'm not going to throw you out".

"So why did you mention it? What did Jeff tell you?"

"Just that you were seeing him. I can't believe you wouldn't tell me that. Apparently it was pretty serious. And you didn't tell me. And I can't believe I didn't realise".

"I guess sometimes you only see what you want to see".

"Well that's true".

"So why did you mention it?"

"I was just, uh, wondering, that's all".

"About what?"

"About you. About... You're gay, right? You've... been with... guys, right?"

"Yeah and yeah. Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering... y'know, about, well, does it hurt?"

"I can't believe we're having this conversation. Does what hurt, Adam? Are you asking me if it hurts when someone fucks you in the ass? Is that what you're asking? Is it?"

"Yeah, I guess it is". He sighed, taking a quick glance at him out of the corner of his eye, barely turning his head but somehow managing to make his hair slip back over one shoulder. Jay's breath caught in his throat. This just so couldn't be happening. "So, does it?"

"Does what what?"

"Does it hurt?"

"Yeah, Adam, it hurts. It hurts like hell. But then it passes and it's just... amazing. Okay, that what you wanted to hear? Or do you want to hear about what I did with Billy? Or Lance? Or Jericho?"

"I just wanted to know what it felt like, that's all".

Adam's voice was so tiny that Jay immediately just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. This was Adam, his best friend, the one person he cared about more than anyone else in the world and he was snapping at him for trying to understand. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Look, Adam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I just... it's not something I've really talked about before. It's kinda embarrassing, y'know?"

"Then what do you think it's like for me? Sitting here talking about this, asking you dumbass questions. I just wanted to... y'know, understand why you do it, what it feels like. Jay, I..."

And then he'd taken his hand. And he was staring right into his eyes. Jay started to panic. Then he really had a reason to because Adam was moving, straddling his hips, pressing his lips against his, his hands in his hair. Somehow he managed to wrench himself free.

"Adam, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just trying to... I just wanted to... Jay, I need to understand. I want to know. And you, you're my best friend and you're the only person I could ask. I want to, well, I want to. With you. Do you think we could? Maybe just this once. I need to. Jay?"

"How could you even ask me that?"

"Because... because... Jay, this won't change anything between us, okay? In the morning you'll still be my best friend. I just need to do this, okay? Just this once. Please".

He didn't know what to say. So he didn't say anything. It was all too much. He was there, sitting on the bed, with Adam almost on top of him, asking him to sleep with him, no strings attached, no consequences. So he did the only thing he could do. He did nothing.

But when Adam leaned forward and kissed him again, this time he kissed back.

***

He wasn't crying but there were definitely tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe it. Everything had ust beenso perfect it almost didn't seem real. But it was. It was all so, so real.

He'd slept with Adam. Adam. He'd slept with Adam. Slept with, and not in the shared a bed sense that that usually meant. They'd slept together. Or more accurately, Adam had finally slept with him. He'd never believed it could happen and he almost couldn't believe it then, either. Except all he had to do was open his eyes to see how real it was. It was almost overwhelming. Because there he was lying in bed with the man he loved.

And he did love him. He couldn't remember ever loving anyone more. Not just that - he adored him. Completely. He worried half to death when Adam got injured. He felt all warm inside when Adam talked to him. His blood ran cold in envy whenever Adam spent time with anyone else. Yep, he was in love. So deep he mostly couldn't think straight, so deep he couldn't ever imagine wanting anyone else. So deep he didn't think there'd ever be anything he could do to stop it.

But then again, right now he didn't want to stop it. Because of what had happened, because of what was happening. He could feel his breath on his shoulder, the soft rise and fall of his chest, his hair fanned out over his collarbone. He was lying there wrapped up in Adam's arms. It was a dream come true, something he'd barely ever dreamed could happen. And now it had he felt like he was going to cry because of it.

Adam had made love to him. He'd wanted it to be the other way around but somehow Jay had convinced him to change things around. He'd known it would've hurt like hell and he didn't want Adam to remember their first time together that way, even if he'd wanted it so much. Adan had caved and then Jay was explaining what he had to do to get him ready, all gestures and glances and gasped words against his throat as his brain ceased to function with Adam's kisses, and when Adam pushed deep inside of him with a surprised, choking moan, suddenly all his doubts had vanished. Because it felt so good. As so right.

Their eyes locked as they came together, sweat-slicked bodies pressing close, gasping, shaking. Adam's gaze had been so intense, so serious, trained on Jay so intently as he lay under him, his hands still gripping Adam's biceps, legs unfolding from around his waist. For a second he looked like a whole different person leaning down over him - a different person with his lover's gold hair hanging down in long, sweat-dampened strands around his lover's face - and Jay didn't know what to think. He wasn't sure he could think. But then Adam smiled and dropped down beside him, nestling into the pillow and pulling Jay's arms around him. Jay let him, felt arms twining around his waist in response, and everything was okay again. They lay there together and fell asleep warm in Jay's bed, the perfect end to what was the most perfect evening of his life so far.

He still had Adam's tast in his mouth. He'd always imagined he'd be addictive and he was far from wrong. He had to bite down on his lip to keep from brushing back all that long, blonde hair and kissing him senseless, except he knew that would ruin what they had now, and he guessed there'd be plenty of time to taste him later. There'd always be later. But right now they had this, lying together there, warm and safe, wrapped up in each other's arms. He just pressed his lips softly to Adam's forehead and let himself wonder at the way he felt.

He always wanted to feel that way, like he'd never felt before. Happy. Complete.

***

"I... I, this, this can't be happening".

"What? Adam, what are you babbling about? What can't be happening?" Jay looked up at him bleary-eyed and tired from the bed, watching him stand beside the door, trembling. Really trembling. He was metres away but he could still see.

"This! God, Jay, how could you do this? What the fuck did you think you were doing?"

"What are you talking about?"

Jay's heart caught in his throat, hammering steadily, making his blood run icy and all the colour drain from his face. He felt cold. He knew it was dread. He had the dreadful feeling he knew what was going on here, and he didn't like it one bit. This so couldn't be good. And the panic was rising again, making him shiver and stare, hot tears springing to his eyes. He knew what this was. Common sense was telling him what was going on in Adam's head and was telling him to get the hell out of there as fast as his legs would carry him. But he couldn't move.

"How could you? I come in at 2am, drunk, and what happens? You took advantage of me, Jay. How could you do that?"

"You weren't drunk". It was a feeble point but it was all he could think to say. There was nothing else.

"You were there. We were drinking with Matt and Jeff for hours. Then you came up here and we drank some more without you. I was drunk, Jay. Drunk. Inebriated. I was fucking wasted. And you took advantage of me!"

"You weren't drunk". But Jay knew he might as well be talking to himself.

"Get out".

"You asked me to do it".

"Get out!"

"And if you'd had your way it would've been the other way around".

"Fuck you, Jay, fuck you. Get out. Just get out. Right now".

"You enjoyed it. You started it. I wanted to stop but you just kept going and you knew how I felt about you and when you kissed me I just couldn't help myself anymore... If anyone took advantage then it was you".

"You made me do it. You know I'm not gay and you knew I was drunk and you let me go through with it. Get out, Jay. I mean it. I can't deal with you right now. Just get out and stay out of my way".

As his bag struck him in the chest, as he quickly pulled on his jeans, as he walked out the door with as much dignity as he could muster, all Jay could say was "I should've known".

***

"Jay, Jay, calm down. Just, c'mon in and sit down, okay, tell me what's wrong. Matt, could you leave us alone for a second? I just... yeah, look, here's your pants, just... thanks, Matty. I'm sorry. We won't be long, okay? Look, sit down. Jay, it's okay. Really, it'll be okay".

"How can it be? Jeff, I've screwed everything up. Again. I... last night, when Adam came back upstairs, did he seem drunk to you? Because I could've sworn he was sober. He hadn't drunk that much, had he? I mean, he didn't act like it and I couldn't smell it or taste it so he couldn't've been drunk, could he?"

"I don't think he was, no, but I'd had kinda too much myself so maybe I... taste? You said taste, right? Jay, what happened?"

"When he came back to the room he asked me to fuck him. He said he wanted to know what it felt like and it wouldn't change anything between us".

"So did you?"

"No! Of course I didn't. I'm not that stupid, Jeff. But he... he kissed me... and he wanted to know what it was like to, y'know, be with a.. guy... and I guess one thing led to another and he ended up... well... Oh God, Jeff, I've fucked up. I should've known. I should've stopped him. How could I be so fucking stupid?"

"You mean you...? Adam... he, you slept together?"

"Yeah. I guess you could say that".

"Oh fuck. And let me guess. He woke up this morning and threw you out?"

"Bingo".

"Oh Christ, Jay, I'm sorry. This has gotta be horrible for you. God, he's such an insensitive prick sometimes. He just what, woke up, took one look at you and freaked out?"

"Something like that, yeah".

"Something like that or exactly that?"

"Okay, exactly that".

"He say why?"

"I took advantage of him. He said he was drunk and I... took advantage of him".

"Oh. Okay. This just keeps on getting better. Do you want me to talk to him? 'Cos I could go over there right now and..."

"NO! God, Jeff, no. That wouldn't help".

"So what do you want me to do, exactly?"

"I just want you to tell me it's gonna be okay. I want you to tell me Adam's gonna forgive me and everything's gonna be fine again. That I didn't take advantage of my best friend while he was drunk. That it's not as bad as I think it is. Do you think you could do that?"

"Jay, you didn't take advantage of him".

"Nice try".

***

Things in general weren't looking good. Jay spent the morning and most of the afternoon in Jeff's room trying not to burst into tears, apologising from crying on Jeff's new shirt and trying not to think about what had happened. But it was impossible not to. Especially when the best night of his life had also turned out to be the reason for his worst day. He didn't want to say things couldn't get any worse, but he was pretty sure they couldn't.

Matt was annoyed with him. He couldn't say he blamed him really - he'd come knocking on their door at 7am and Jeff had tossed him out of bed so he could talk to Jay. He didn't like Matt being angry with him. He already had enough to contend with with Adam disowning him, never mind this thing with Matt. And while he knew Jeff was trying to be patient, he was probably wondering when the hell he'd get out of there and stop bothering him with his problems. Jeff had a life of his own, mostly with Matt, and Jay didn't want to interfere with that. He just didn't want to be alone, and really the only person who had any idea what he was feeling was Jeff. He had nowhere else to go.

Unless, of course, he went knocking on Billy Kidman's door. And for some reason that seemed like a great idea. Only Jeff wasn't going to let him do that. And in the long run he knew he'd be grateful.

He just couldn't believe what an ass he'd been. Completely sucked in. Completely out of control. Delluding himself. When Adam told him nothing would change between them, he'd been fool enough to believe him. What sort of a jackass believes that fucking your best friend won't change anything? But he hadn't been able to help himself. All Adam needed to do was kiss him and every single scrap of slef-control he thought he had suddenly went right out of the window. How pathetic was that? Not really an excuse at all. He should've known better. He should've realised there'd be consequences. He should've listened to that little voice inside him that'd told him it was an unquestioningly bad idea, the voice that had made him pull back at first. If he'd held onto that thought then none of this would've happened. He'd still be lying in bed, asleep, and Adam wouldn't have thrown him out. Again.

But he hadn't listened, had he. Adam had kissed him and like a fool he'd kissed back. He'd kissed him and touched him and held him and eventually he'd let him fuck him. He should've known that was wrong. Because Adam wasn't gay. There had to be something wrong with that. Adam was straight. Adam didn't even have a passing interest in guys. Especially not this particular guy. And satisfying his curiosity was no excuse. He shouldn't've done it. He shouldn't have lain there and let it happen, shouldn't have told him it was okay, shouldn't have kissed him and wrapped his legs around his waist, shouldn't have enjoyed it, shouldn't have wanted it.

That was the problem. He'd wanted it. He'd wanted it so bad that he'd let that cloud his already cloudy judgement. And now he was screwed. Both literally and figuratively. Nothing could ever be the same again.

He'd lost his best friend. Again. And now this time he had a feeling there was no way he'd ever be forgiven. Because even if he hadn't taken advantage of Adam in the strictest sense of the words, he'd still taken advantage. In his heart he'd known it was wrong. He'd known that it couldn't really be what Adam wanted. And because he'd wanted it so much himself, he'd gone through with it anyway. It was all his fault and there was no point trying to deny it.

All he could do was wait and hope that Adam might eventually forgive him. But he wasn't holding his breath. And besides, if he never spoke to him again, he knew he'd deserve it.

***

There were lips on his throat.

At first he thought he was dreaming but then he knew he wasn't. He was awake. He knew because he'd just been bitten and the pain had woken him up. He was awake, in bed, and there was someone kissing his throat.

It was dark. He couldn't see who it was. All he knew was it wasn't Adam and it wasn't Billy. Probably wasn't Lance or Chris either, but he couldn't be sure. Not until those lips swept over his own and suddenly he was tasting peppermint and Mountain Dew, smelling shampoo and shaving gel. It wasn't anyone he'd ever been with before but he had a good idea who it was. It was an unsettling feeling. Not necessarily bad, just very, very unsettling.

The asailant pulled back, straddling Jay's thighs, trailing a hand down his chest as he clicked on the lamp beside the bed. But before Jay could get out the words he was trying to say, the smiling mouth was already back down covering his own in another brutal kiss, strands of multi-coloured hair falling around his face.

"Jeff, what're you doing?" Jay gasped as he pulled back.

"I'd say that's pretty obvious", Jeff replied with a smirk.

"I don't think..."

"No, Jay, don't think. Just kiss me, okay? Just kiss me and it'll all be okay..."

So he did. He sat up and he kissed him, his fingers twisting in his hair, tongues tangling, breath robbed. With a little help from Jeff he managed to scoot back up the bed so his back was flat against the headboard, then without breaking the kiss Jeff was pulling at his boxers, tossing them across the room before Jay had even realised they were gone. He gasped as Jeff shifted, bare skin on bare skin, his lips and teeth suddenly sucking and grazing at his nipples. He was writhing and balling up handfuls of sheet in his fists, biting down on his lip as he squirmed. Jeff knew what he was doing and gave a little chuckle.

Then he shifted position completely, kneeling between Jay's thighs, and Jay's breath caught in his throat as Jeff's hot mouth came down around his cock, teasing, licking, making the muscles in Jay's stomach quiver and contract. He couldn't help himself. He knew he should make Jeff stop but he didn't want to and clearly Jeff wasn't in the mood for stopping. And this time he knew there was no blaming this on alcohol. There was no saying Jay had taken advantage. Jeff wanted this as much as he did.

Jeff pulled back and looked up at him, grinning mischeivously, kneeling, twisting a strand of purple hair around his fingers. Jay reached forward and tugged on the cross around Jeff's neck, pulling him in for another kiss.

"Don't think you're getting out of this one that easily, Hardy", he whispered. Jeff nipped at his earlobe and cocked his head to one side.

"What make you think I want to get out of it, Reso?" he replied, and three seconds later he was moaning loudly, impaled on a pleasantly surprised Jay's straining cock.

It didn't take long. Maybe a minute or less and they were both lost, coming one after the other, neither really sure who was first and neither caring. Jeff sighed and nipped at Jay's bottom lip, catching his breath. Jay trailed his hands up from Jeff's hips, over his back, and pulled him down beside him.

"Good surprise?" Jeff asked, breathless.

"Good surprise", Jay replied with a grin and a nod as Jeff started to play with the ends of his hair. "But..."

"But?"

"Won't Matt... You're not going to tell him, right? Wouldn't he be mad?"

"No, I'm not going to tell him. And neither are you".

"Good".

Jeff moved in closer and rested his head against Jay's shoulder, rubbing small circles around Jay's nipple with his free hand. Jay just closed his eyes and resisted the urge to purr. He wasn't sure what to think, but right then he was content not to think at all. He just let Jeff do what he was doing and let himself feel good. To hell with the consequences. Because if he didn't have Adam then he wasn't sure anything mattered anymore.

***

Jay woke the next morning with Jeff draped haphazardly over his chest and for a second he had no idea where he was or why he was in bed with Jeff Hardy. Then it hit him, what had happened. Come to think of it, he'd been dreaming about it. An unexpected development. If he could really dismiss sleeping with Jeff as something so simple as an unexpected development.

He couldn't say he'd never thought about Jeff that way before that night - okay so he could, but he would've been lying his ass off. He was pretty sure everyone must've though of Jeff that way at some point. But he'd never actually entertained even a moment's thought that one day he might really find himself in bed with im. For one thing there was Matt, and the fact tat if Matt weren't around then Jeff would have a queue of both sexes a mile long waiting for a shot at him. Jay had always been fairly sure he'd be pretty far down on the list, too. And then there was their friendship. Lately that had been seeming more and more important to him. Would he really want to jeopardise that for one night?

Well, apprently he had. Because there he was with the younger Hardy fast asleep across his chest.

He was kind of surprised that Jeff sleeping on him like that didn't hurt. It wasn't cutting off his circulation in awkward places, either. Actually, he was quite comfortable. Not quite as comfortable as he'd felt with Adam, but still pretty darn comfortable. And for some reason he found that mildly unsettling. Probably because he knew there was something slightly wrong with the situation. It was justr completely wrong. Completely. Jeff was supposed to be with Matt. And Jay was supposed to be alone pining after Adam.

It was about then that he started to panic. It seemed like he was panicking more and more lately, and that definitely wasn't a good thing; ity just reminded him of how screwed up his lifet had gotten. And lying in bed naked, with a naked Jeff Hardy, was definitely screwed up. He'd gone and fucked up his friendship with Jeff on top of everything else, he was sure of it. He just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as his legs would carry him and never look back.

But then Jeff was waking up and he'd lost his chance to run. One tattooed arm stretched out over him, a head of multi-coloured hair circles, stretching out his neck. Lips nuzzled softly against the base of his neck then smiled, eyes flickering open and fixing on him, tired but content.

"Morning, Jay", Jeff yawned. Jay frowned and rubbed his eyes. "Something wrong?"

"I was just sure you were gonna call me Matt for a second there".

Jeff smirked and kissed him quickly on the forehead. "I think I can tell the difference", he said, rolling his eyes and slipping out of bed.

"I know, I guess I'm just paranoid".

"Yeah, I can tell".

Jay found himself watching Jeff as he walked across the room, scooped up the first clean clothes he came to and headed into the bathroom. there'd always been something about the way Jeff moved, a weird sort of careless, carefree mix between a cat and a small child, that made him seem both vulnerable and strangely, intensely alluring. He'd slept with him. He guessed it was okay to stare.

He'd slept with him, with Jeff. It seemed kinda weird just to think it, never mind to know it was true. And Jeff hadn't thrown him out, hadn't rejected him, hadn't thought he was someone else. There was something suspiciously satisfying about that.

The shower roared into action and Jeff poked his head round the door.

"So, you coming in here or do I have to drag you?" he asked, a wicked grin on his face.

Jay smiled and got out of bed.

***

"Oh, hey Jay".

"Uh, hey Billy".

"Matt said it'd be okay if I tagged along for breakfast. Hope you don't mind. You don't, do you?"

"Yeah, I mean no, that's uh, fine. By me. Fine".

"Great. I mean, I didn't want you to be, uncomfortable. I could always go eat with Lance and..."

"No, seriously Billy, it's okay. Matt and Jeff and Amy'll probably be down soon. Probably".

"Yeah, probably. So, uh, how you doing? Haven't really seen you to talk to in a while".

"I've been kinda busy. I would've caught up with you before but I was, well, busy".

"Yeah, me too. So you're doing okay then?"

"Never better. Look, Billy... I never meant to, well, hurt you, y'know. Y'know?"

"Yeah, I know".

"Good".

"But you did. Hurt me, I mean. You hurt me, Jay".

"I swear I never meant to".

"I know you didn't. It's in the past, okay. It's fine. It's just... fine. Let's just forget about it. Where the hell is Matt, anyway? He said he'd be right down".

"He'll be here. Hey, Billy? Are you okay? I mean, really. Are you okay?"

"No. No, Jay, I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm falling apart without you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Is it true?"{

"Of course it is".

"I'm sorry".

"I know. But that doesn't make it any easier".

"Hey guys. You okay?"

"Yeah, uh, no. Look Matt, I'm gonna go eat with Lance and Shane, okay? I'll see you later".

"Huh? Billy..."

"Please, Matt, just let him go".

***

Aside from the messy confrontation with Billy, it was a decidedly uneventful day. They packed, chatted, took a plane to New York, unpacked, chatted. It wasn't really anything particularly out of the ordinary. Except that Jay's mind was occupied the whole day. Usually he didn't have too much of a problem just switching off to go with the flow, but he just had too much to think about, too much going on in his head.

He was back to rooming with Jeff again. It hadn't really been discussed, but somehow everyone had just taken it as read now he wasn't with Adam. Matt had muttered something like 'guess I'm rooming with Amy again, huh?' as they'd walked into the hotel lobby and while Jay tried to apologise he'd just looked like he was having a hard time trying not to glare. Jay understood. Not that it made him feel any easier around Matt with everything that was going on, but at least he could say he understood.

All he could think about when Matt was around was how he'd betrayed him. Matt was his friend. He had been since he'd joined the Federation. He'd always been there when he'd needed him, been a true and unwavering friend, and how had he repaid him? By sleeping with his lover. He seriously hadn't been prepared for all the guilt. That on top of everything else was almost more than he could stand.

And then there was Billy. He hadn't counted on running into him like that, and he'd been hoping maybe he'd be feeling better about the breakup by now. Except obviously he wasn't. And the whole thing really was all Jay's fault. There was absolutely no denying it.

Dinner in the hotel dining room was too much for him to face; he made some lame excuse about having a headache and wanting to get an early night and evetually Jeff gave in and left him alone, however reluctantly. He took the opportunity to hop into the shower and wash away that familiar spent-the-day-travelling feeling. Then he lay in bed for half an hour trying not to think.

When Jeff got back he wasn't in bed. He was sitting at the table, slumped over it, trying to write. There were balled-up pieces of hotel stationery all around him, on the table and the floor, none having hit the litter basket as he tossed them across the room.

"What're you writing?" Jeff asked, leaning over his shoulder, curling an arm around his waist.

"A letter. At least I'm trying. But nothing seems right. It won't come out right. This is all I've got".

He passed Jeff the piece of paper. He knew all he'd written on it was 'Dear Adam'.

"Jay, for Christ's sake, stop torturing yourself!"

"Huh?"

"Will you get it through your thick Canadian skull that it's not your fault? Adam's being an asshole and he's trying to make himself feel better about being an asshole by blaming you. Don't act like I'm telling you something you don't know already. So, Adam's being a prick. Maybe he'll come round and maybe he won't. Worrying about it's not gonna help. And writing him some note telling him you're sorry or whatever you're trying to say will just make things worse and you know it. So will you just put that pen down and kiss me?"

Jay kissed him. He dropped the pen onto the table, turned and kissed him, and Jeff started tugging him over to the bed. He fell over with Jeff on top of him, grinning and tugging at his boxers. There was one thing he could say for Jeff at least. Not only was he insatiable but he had a knack of getting his mind off his problems when he least expected it.

Jay gasped as Jeff broke off the kiss and looked up at him.

"We really shouldn't be doing this", he said between gasps.

Jeff nodded. "I know. But I don't see you going outta your way to stop me".

"Don't you feel guilty?"

Jeff sighed and sat back over Jay's hips, leaving off biting at Jay's nipples and rolling his eyes. "Of course I do. But it's not like Matt's not sleeping with Amy while they're sharing a room".

"So you're using me for revenge?"

"No, I just figure if Matt can do what he wants when we're not together then so can I".

"Wouldn't he be pissed if he knew?"

"No doubt. Look, Jay, are we doing this or not?"

"I just don't want to come between you and Matt".

Then suddenly the look in Jeff's eyes changed. He didn't move but it almost felt that way. He lay his hands flat on Jay's chest, a wry smile forming on his face. Jay felt queasy.

"You can't", Jeff said softly.

"I can't what?"

"Come between me and Matt. Jay, I love him. He loves me. No matter what we do or how pissed we get at each other, we're always going to be together. You've got to understand this. Nothing's ever going to come between us. Not you, not anyone, not anything. What we have is too special for that".

Jay nodded. "I understand".

"Do you?"

"Yeah, Jeff, I think I do. And I think I ought to be leaving now".

***

"Jay?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go".

"Hey, it's okay. Come on in. Can I get you anything? Is something wrong? What is it?"

Jay sighed and stepped hesitantly into the room, wandering over to the bed and sitting down slowly on the edge, dropping his bag to the floor at his feet. When he looked up, he looked up into a pair of familiar brown eyes, filled with concern. He sighed again and closed his eyes, rubbing them one by one with the heel of his hand.

"There's something wrong, Jay, it's obvious. Is there something I can do?"

"I don't think there's anything anyone can do".

"Maybe talking about it would help".

"I can't talk about it. That's not 'I don't want to', that's 'I can't'. I'm sorry, I'm not the only one tied up in this. They'd hunt me down and use me for fish bait if I told you".

"It's okay. Can I get you anything? Is there anything you need?"

"Well, no. I just... Billy, could I stay here tonight? I'll understand if you say no, but I've got nowhere else to go. I don't even have a car. I just..."

"Sure you can stay. Of course you can. I'll talk to Lance and get him to stay with Shane tonight".

"If it's a problem then..."

"It's not. He's done this to be often enough, I think it's about time I had a turn at kicking him out. I'll be right back, okay? Just need to call in on Lance. Don't go anywhere. You'll... you'll be here when I get back, right?"

Jay nodded and just about managed a smile. "Yeah, I'll be here", he said.

Billy grinned and disappeared down the corridor.

***

Jay couldn't believe what he was doing. It was a bad idea, he knew. In fact, it was more than a bad idea. This was the most stupid thing he could've done under the circumstances, short of going to Adam and professing his undying love. Actually, compared with this, going to Adam might've been a good idea. At least then he wouldn't have been sleeping with his ex.

He was turning into a slut. A complete and utter slut. He'd been in bed with three guys in as many days, and none of the results had been particularly good. Hopping out of bed with seriously attached Jeff and right into bed with Billy I'm-still-in-love-with-you Kidman was so not a good idea. But he'd done it. And now he felt lousy.

When he'd left Jeff's room he'd had absolutely no idea where he was going to go. He'd wandered around the hotel for a while, wondering who he knew there, who he knew in New York, if there was anywhere else he could go. And evetually he'd come to the conclusion that the only person he could go to in the entire city was Billy. He was the only person he knew well enough to go to and beg a bed for the night. He hated having to do it, but he really had no alternative. And he certainly hadn't been planning to share a bed. That had been the furthest thing from his mind.

Honestly, he had no idea how it happened. It seemed that one second they were reminiscing and catching up, and the next Billy's tongue was down his throat and he was pulling Billy into bed. He didn't know whose idea it had been or how he'd let himself go through with it. All he knew was that he'd done it, and that it was a bad, bad idea.

And now there he was, lying awake at 3am in a room with someone he'd left two months before who he was pretty sure still loved him and would take this as a sign that he wanted to get back together. He had no idea what he was going to do. Just when he'd thought things couldn't get any worse, he'd fucked up yet again.

But for now there was nothing he could do. So he closed his eyes, swallowed the panic and pretended that those weren't Billy's arms around him, that he wasn't feeling Billy's breath against his throat, that he didn't have Billy's head resting on his chest. Even if he'd hate himself for it in the morning, he just wanted to pretend for the night. Maybe for a while he could pretend he was with Adam.

***

As the days passed, nothing got better. He kept hoping maybe he'd wake up one morning and suddenly everything would work itself out, but he had a sneaking suspicion nothing would work out. He'd fucked up and now nothing was the way it should be.

Adam hadn't spoken to him in over a week now. Every time they passed in a corridor or one of them walked into a room Adam just completely blanked him, acted like he wasn't there. And most of the time Jay wished he wasn't. It was hell being around him knowing what had come between them. Before it had been almost bearable, back when they were friends and Adam hadn't known how Jay felt about him, because at least then they'd been together. Adam had been a big part of his everyday life, even if it hadn't been quite the role he'd wanted him to play. Now there was nothing. It was like all those years didn't matter and Jay had completely ceased to exist.

It was hell not being around him anymore. He missed talking with him, seeing him flash those toothy smiles, joking, working out, shopping, watching TV, just being around him. They'd spent so much time together over teh years and now if felt like a part of him was missing. It was. Like he had this bloody, gaping wound in his heart where someone had come along and cleaved the best part of him out. Even if he hadn't loved him it would've felt that way. Because what he'd lost wasn't just an object of unrequited love. He'd lost the best friend he'd ever had.

And now he didn't even have Jeff to turn to. He'd fucked that up too. He hadn't had the least little bit of restraint and he'd screwed up the next most important friendship in his life. He'd presumed that if Jeff had slept with him then there must have been some sort of emotional investment, he'd assumed if Matt found out then what had happened could come between the brothers. The lovers. He should've known what it meant to Jeff in the scheme of things, that he meant nothing to him compared with Matt. He'd been a fool to believe anything could come of a relationship with Jeff.

Honestly, he wasn't sure he would've wanted a relationship even if one had been offered. He liked Jeff. He was a good friend and he was attracted to him, but he didn't love him, wasn't sure he ever could. At least not that way. He couldn't believe he'd let things get as far and as messy as they had. He'd known all along that Jeff's heart was with Matt, and that his own definitely wasn't with Jeff. The whole thing was just a big mess. Because he hadn't had the force of will to tell Jeff to stop, he'd lost another friend. Two. Jeff and Matt together.

That had left him with no one to turn to. No one he felt all that comfortable around, anyway. There was Jericho but he'd be busy with whoever he happened to be fucking this week, Lance but they hadn't really talked in months and months, Terry but he'd be hanging out with his ECW buddies, so many others but he couldn't go to any of them. So who did that leave him with?

Billy Kidman. He'd gone to Billy. He'd asked Billy to take him in. He'd slept with Billy. He'd spent a week with Billy. He'd screwed up yet again and gone back to Billy.

It wasn't right. Even the excuse that he had nowhere else to go and no one else to go to didn't justify it. He'd gone back to Billy despite the fact he knew he didn't really want to be with him. He was just going to wind up hurting him all over again and he knew it, but he just couldn't seem to get the words out. He couldn't tell him he was leaving, that he didn't love him, that he couldn't love him, that really the only reason he was there with him was because he could at least be sure he wouldn't throw him out.

Every morning for the past week he'd woken up in Billy Kidman's arms. It wasn't a bad feeling in itself, lying there in a warm bed next to a warm body, feeling safe and loved. It was just a shame he couldn't love Billy in return. It was a shame he was wishing he was someone else, someone tall and blonde and Canadian that he was in love with and was miserable without. But Billy never seemed to notice how Jay was feeling. Or if he did, he was trying to pretend he didn't. Knowing him like he did, Jay guessed Billy was pretending just like he was, except instead of pretending he was someone else, he was pretending he could make Jay happy. He'd always been a master of denial, especially when it came to their relationship.

And now they were back together. It was nothing official but it seemed like everyone knew. Jay found himself hoping Adam wouldn't find out then realised it didn't much matter if he did. He was nothing to Adam anymore. Maybe that was what he was doing with Billy, hoping that if he stayed there long enough then Adam would mean nothing to him, either.

Only it wasn't going away. Every morning he woke in Billy's bed if felt just a little worse, and he wasn't sure he could ever feel good again. He'd lost the only thing that really mattered in his life, and no matter how hard he hoped, he couldn't forget that. And no matter how hard he hoped, it was never coming back.

***

Smackdown had been over for half an hour and Jay was still sitting backstage in neon green tights just staring at his reflection in the mirror. He was trying to decide if he looked paler then normal, maybe a little thinner, maybe a little older. And the only conclusion he'd drawn so far was nothing to do with the questions he was asking. All he could think was how he'd ever expected anyone to love him, let alone a beautiful, perfect person like Adam, when he was so damn ugly.

He'd seen Adam earlier that night, with Matt and Rob Van Dam, laughing and smiling, and he'd felt like someone just kicked him in the stomach. He'd realised right then that he may be miserable without Adam, but Adam would be just fine without him. Much as he didn't want to believe it, he knew it was true. He'd seen him, looking great as ever, happy and comfortable with other beautiful people. Maybe in the long run Jay had done him a favour. At least now he was free of his pathetic hanger-on, free to make new friends, better friends.

"Tell me you didn't do this".

The door swinging open and the voice behind him almost made him fall off the edge of the chair. He turned with a frown. That tone didn't sound goof. He recognised panic when he heard it.

"What? Jeff, what?"

"Jay, tell me you didn't do this!" Jeff sounded destraught and looked it every inch. He was frantic.

"Do what?"

"Vince... he asked to speak to me and Matt. He said... oh God Jay he said he'd been hearing rumours about us, about me and Matt, and he hoped he'd been misinformed but that he'd have to... because if the press found out... he'd have to split us up anyway and... oh God, Jay, Matt thinks you told Vince. He thinks you told him about us".

"Christ Jeff, no, no I didn't, of course I didn't! Vince just came right out and told you he'd heard you and Matt were together? He's splitting you up? Fuck. Fuck, Jeff. I had nothing to do with that, nothing. You don't think I... you don't, do you? Because I couldn't. You know that, right?"

"I know, Jay. It's just Matt... he's convinced it must've been you. I don't know why, he won't tell me. I don't believe it. Oh God, Jay, this can't be happening. This just can't be... tell me it's not happening".

"Shhh. You'll be okay. You'll be fine".

"Liar".

"It's gonna be okay".

Except as Jay held him there, feeling him sob against his shoulder, clinging to him, he couldn't believe anything he'd just said. Nothing could be okay for Matt and Jeff now. It had all gone so, so wrong.

***

"I'm sorry, Billy. I know this sucks and I know this is all my fault , but you know I never meant to hurt you".

"But... but I thought... weren't we supposed to be back together again? I thought we had all this straightened out. You came back. And now you're leaving me again? Please, please Jay you can't. You can't leave me again. Not like this. Not... not for Jeff".

"I'm not leaving you for Jeff, Billy, I swear I'm not. I *swear* I'm not. I'm leaving you for me. I know you're not going to uinderstand this, but I can't stay with you. It's not fair on either of us, okay? I'm well, I'm in love with someone else. He doesn't love me and I know I can never be with him but just because I can't be with him doesn't mean I should be with you. It's not fair on you. I know it's easy for me to say, but you need to find someone who's going to love you. I mean *really* love you, the way you deserve to be loved, because you deserve it. Really, Billy. You deserve more than I can give you".

"But I want you".

Jay winced. This wasn't going well. He'd finally got up the courage to tell Billy it was over once and for all, to explain why they couldn't be together, and Billy just wouldn't accept it. Not that he'd ever believed it would be easy, but it was damn hard. Harder than he'd expected.

Because it wasn't like he didn't care for Billy in a way, because he did. He liked him. He'd even admit they'd been good together, once upon a time. And he sincerely had no wish whatsoever to hurt him in any way. But this was the way it had to be. Just like before.

"I wouldn't be fair".

"Don't you think it's up to me to decide what's fair and what's not?"

"No, not really".

"'Cause fair sure isn't dumping me, coming back to me, making me believe we're okay again and then dumping me, *again*".

"I know. I should never have let this happen. I have no excuses. All I can say is I'm sorry. I can honestly say I never meant for any of this to happen. But it has and I'm sorry and I can't change my mind. I'm gonna leave now. Call me if you need to, tell me what an asshole I am, whatever. I'm... I'm gonna go now".

Billy didn't say a word as Jay left the room, closed the door behind him. He'd expected him to yell, throw things, just do something, but he hadn't. Jay didn't know what that meant but it couldn't be good. Maybe he was just in shock and once it'd worn off he'd find a very angry Billy Kidman reaching for the phone or storming down the corridor to find him and beat him senseless. He'd probably let him, too, the way he was feeling.

But right now he had to at least try to put Billy and his guilt right out of his mind. He had something else he needed to focus on. Jeff.

***

He knocked twice and as he stepped into the room he almost wished he hadn't bothered. Matt and Jeff were sitting on the edge of the bed in each other's arms, and uncomfortable as that made him, that wasn't the problem. Amy was sitting by the dresser, and she wasn't it either. The problem was Adam, sitting at the table under the window. Adam who completely ignored him as he walked into the room.

The door snapped shut behind him and Jeff glanced up at him over Matt's shoulder with a small, grateful smile. He looked a mess, completely, and Jay guessed that was nothing to how he felt. The worst thing that he could possibly imagined happening to the Hardys had just happened. There was no other way for Jeff to look except the way he did. Devastated.

Matt was rocking Jeff gently in his arms, stroking back his hair. But he wasn't talking. He wasn't even whispering. Usually that was what he'd do to calm Jeff down, but by the look on his face Jay guessed he wasn't in any state himself to try to console Jeff. And he was clinging to him. Actually clinging to Jeff's shirt, like Jeff was clinging to his. And there were tears in his eyes. Matt had always been the strong one, the one Jeff turned to, the one who looked after him. But now he was crumbling. It was painful to see.

"Matt, we should get going", Amy said, standing, laying her hand gently across his shoulders. For a second he froze, then he looked up at her and nodded.

"Matty, please, don't go!" Jeff's voice was tiny, almost unrecognisable. He was clinging to Matt like his life depended on it. Matt just pressed a kiss to his forehead and brushed the tears from his cheeks.

"Jeff, I have to. It's for the best. We can't stay together right now, okay? Look, Jay's here. You'll be fine. It'll be fine. You'll see".

But the words sounded hollow. Jay knew how false they were, Matt couldn't disguise it and obviously Jeff knew too because he just burst into tears.

"Don't go", Jeff whispered, showering Matt's face with tiny, desperate kisses. "Don't go. Please".

Matt took Jeff's wrists in his hands, thumbs rubbing lightly over his pulsepoints. Jeff bit down on his bottom lip and couldn't meet his eyes.

"I've got to, Jeff. I've got to. I don't want to but you understand, right? Fuck, Jeff, I love you so much. I don't want to go. But no one can know. You know that, right?"

Slowly, Jeff nodded. "I know".

Matt tilted Jeff's chin and kissed his lips, just once, softly, slowly. Then he turned and left the room, Amy at his side.

***

Sometime during the night Jeff must have stopped crying. Jay wasn't entirely sure when, but somewhere along the lines he must have because he'd managed to choke out all the gory details of what had happened. Before he'd been so completely inconsolable that he hadn't been able to speak at all.

And sometime during the night Jeff must've fallen asleep. Because Jay found himself lying on the bed with Jeff in his arms, his tearstained face resting softly on his chest. But peaceful as he seemed right then, he was agony to look at. Because Jay knew what he was going through, and he had no idea if Jeff was strong enough to get through it. It almost seemed impossible. Especially knowing just how much Matt meant to him.

Matt didn't show up the next day. Jay had to almost physically restrain Jeff from wandering off on a mad, desperate search, then had to try to console him somehow after he'd persuaded him out of it. He was a wreck. A total and utter wreck. He kept breaking down into muted sobs at the slightest little thing, like a sad song on the radio or finding one of Matt's shirts in his bag.

He didn't get better. Jay really was hoping he'd be feeling better about it all by the end of the day, but there was nothing to feel better about so he guessed deep down he understood. After all, he still wasn't exactly feeling all that great about Adam. But at least he had something else to focus on now. He could repay Jeff for helping him out by helping him out in return. He needed something to stop him from feeling like he'd just had his whole world torn to shreds right in front of his eyes, like he'd just stood by and watched himself destroy everything he treasured and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. Far be it for him to take comfort in Jeff's misery, but it sure was seeming that way. It almost made him feel guilty.

And it didn't get better as the days went by. They left New York, hit Pennsylvania, and Jeff was still solo both in and out of the ring. But by then he was deliberately avoiding Matt. Jay guessed he just didn't want to hear whatever Matt might have to say, and Vince had cooled off somewhat about the rumours as far as he could tell from what Jeff told him about the meeting they'd had mid-week. But he didn't want them teaming together. He just liked the idea that the rumours might not be true, even if Jeff's performance seemed to be a little off, if Matt seemed kinda depressed and the fans were substantially less than impressed with the split.

Apparently Vince had mentioned to Jeff that one of the reasons he was having second thoughts about the rumours was Jay. He'd heard they were rooming together, and he'd seen that Matt and Amy had been spending a lot more time together. Jeff had had to bite his lip to keep from crying right then, stung by the fact his brother was spending more and more time with Amy and he couldn't see him at all. Jay understood. He'd seen Adam around. And with who, of all people, but Billy fucking Kidman.

In fact, in the end Jay and Jeff were as bad as each other. They were both suffering under circumstances they'd brought on themselves, even if Jay had managed to do more to himself than Jeff had. They couldn't cheer each other up in the slightest. People thinking they were together got to them both because they knew it just wasn't true and they had a vague horror of certain people believing the rumours. So mostly they just kept themselves to themselves and helped each other to get through each new and infinitely more depressing day.

***

The locker room Jay and Jeff were sharing was deafeningly silent as usual, just the way they liked it. Although of course 'liked' was far too stong a word for it - they preferred it that way rather than the feeling stretching to actual like or dislike. Neither one seemed to be in the mood for idle chatter, which over the past week had seemed to be quite a rarity between them anyway. It didn't seem to matter. They were only together for the company, not for the dazzling conversation.

Except then the silence was interrupted by the opening of a door. And in walked Matt.

"Jeff, I think we have to talk. Jay... would you mind?"

Jay glanced at Jeff who'd managed to turn a deathly pale in a matter of seconds, then shrugged and left the room.

Adam was standing outside.

"Uh, hey... uh, Jay", he muttered, not quite meeting his eyes.

"Hey", Jay said flatly.

"I haven't... uh, seen you around lately".

"Probably because you've been spending so much time with... other people".

"Yeah, I guess".

And there the conversation ended. Jay leant back against the wall of the corridor and Adam did the same almost opposite him, fiddling with the tape on his wrists the way Jay always seemed to when he was nervous. And he was standing there, trying not to look at Adam when his whole heart and his whole body was screaming at him to just force out a few more words, to try to strike up a conversation, or to close the few steps between them and kiss him senseless, struggling with the strange numb feeling that was creeping over him at the same time. He didn't know what it was but he didn't like it. Maybe it meant he was getting over him. But more likely he thought he was just getting bitter. Until he couldn't stand it anymore.

"Look, Adam..."

"Yeah?" He looked up with a half-expectant look on his face, a kind of wide-eyed and strangely vulnerable expression that Jay had never seen on him before. It worried him.

"I'm going back to the hotel. Tell Jeff I'll meet him there".

The look disappeared from Adam's face. "Oh, okay". Now his voice sounded almost as flat as Jay's.

And Jay pushed himself from the wall, turned on his heel and strode out of the building, away from Adam, as fast as he could without breaking into a run.

***

"He's leaving me".

Jay was still shaken from running into Adam. It took a few seconds for the words to register, and a few more for him to take in the expression on Jeff's face. Or the complete lack thereof.

"He's leaving you?"

"He's leaving me. He says it's for the best".

He closed the door and walked across the room, sitting down slowly on the edge of the bed, smoothing out his jeans over his thighs. Jay frowned slightly.

"Maybe he's right".

"He's not".

"You're sure about that?"

Jeff nodded solemnly, blue hair falling across his cheek, not bothering to sweep it back. Jay reached over and did it for him.

"Yes, I'm sure".

"Did he say why?"

"Because... because it's for the best. Because he doesn't want me to get hurt".

"Don't you think that's a fair point?"

"No".

"You do know you'd get hurt, right? There's no way you two could be together without everyone finding out now".

"Yes, Jay, I know".

"And you still don't think it's a fair point?"

"No, Jay, I don't".

"Despite the fact what you have with Matt is, well... not exactly an ideal relationship in the eyes of just about every person living?"

"That's assuming I care what people think".

"It'd be naive not to, Jeff".

"Fuck naive. I don't care". He turned slightly, finally meeting his eyes. "Because you know what? I'm in love with my brother. The whole damn world may see something wrong with that, but I don't, okay? To me this is right. It's meant to be, Jay, it's fucking destiny. No matter what happens, we're meant to be together. I don't care what happens just as long as I'm with him. But he, well, let's say he doesn't quite see it that way".

"Jeff, he's trying to protect you".

"Jay, I'm not a little kid anymore. I don't need protecting".

"I think maybe we all need protecting sometimes".

Jeff sighed and dropped his head into his hands.

"That's just the problem", he muttered through his fingers. "I know he's right but I know he can't be. I just want to be with him, Jay. That's all I want. It's all I've ever wanted. And now he's telling me we can't have that. He's telling me we can't be together anymore. And it hurts. Oh God, Jay, it hurts so bad. I don't think I can do this".

Jay wrapped his arms around Jeff's waist and shoulders, pulled him forward against his chest, stroked his hair and bit down on his lip. And he lied.

"You can do this, Jeff. I know you can".

Jeff pulled back slightly, looked up into Jay's eyes, his own full of unshed tears.

"Maybe that's true", he said. "But I'm not sure I'd want to".

***

"Jeff, why did Matt think I'd told Vince about you?"

They were lying on the bed they were sharing, side by side. But the bed was an illusion, meant to keep up the pretense that they were together. They didn't want people to think that but at the same time they needed them to. There was just no way to win.

"He never told me", Jeff replied, crossing his legs and staring up and the ceiling, arms spread out above his head, plucking absently at the headboard. "Why?"

"And VInce didn't give you any clue about who told him?"

"Nope, not at all". He tilted his head and looked over at Jay who was dragging himself up to sit back against the headboard. "Why?"

"I was just thinking, tha's all. No reason. Look, I'm going out for a while. I won't be long. You gonna be okay?"

"Sure", Jeff said, narrowing his eyes suspiciously but obviously resisting the urge to ask Jay where he was going and why. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna slit my wrists while you're gone".

"That's reassuring".

Jay opened the door and slipped out of the room.

***

He'd only knocked maybe three times and the door opened before his knuckles could strike for a fourth time. A head and a shoulder appeared in the crack.

"Matt's not here. I think he went to the bar with Adam and Billy. Want me to tell him you stopped by?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you".

Amy frowned. "Okay... well, c'mon in then". She opened the door and motioned for Jay to step inside. "What can I do for you? I would've thought you'd wanna speak to Matt, not me".

"I don't think Matt's got a whole lot to say to me", Jay told her, and she nodded. "I just wanted to ask why you think he thinks I told Vince".

Amy shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine on that one", she said, sounding genuinely confused. "He won't tell me why. I assumed it was something Vince said. Have you talked to Jeff about it?"

"Yeah. He says Vince didn't say anything about me. Look, Amy, do you think I told him?"

"No. No, Jay, I don't. Of course I don't. I don't think you could do that to them. Not that I can think of anyone who would, but you see what I mean".

Jay nodded. "Yeah, I do. I'm sorry I bothered you, okay? Don't tell Matt I was here, he'll just freak".

"You're probably right. Jay, I'm sorry all this happened. Not just this stuff with Matt and Jeff, but... Matt told me Jeff told him about you and Adam. That's gotta suck. I'm really, really sorry. If it helps, I know exactly how you feel".

"Yeah, I know", he said with a small, wry smile. Because he knew Amy did know. After all, she had Matt. Matt was to her what Adam was to him, it was there for everyone to see.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help".

"Thanks anyway".

***

Jay couldn't honestly say he knew who else to talk to, short of going to Vince or talking to Matt. So he just bit back the urge to do either and headed back to the room. Except he didn't quite make it that far.

"Oh, Jay, I'm, uh, I'm sorry. Didn't see you there".

"Yeah, obviously. It's okay". Was it his imagination or was Adam blushing? And fiddling with his sleeves, and not meeting his gaze. That didn't seem right somehow.

"I, uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I should look where I'm, uh, going, I guess".

"Yeah. Look, Adam, is something wrong? I mean, something other than the obvious?"

Adam's eyes flickered up and met Jay's for a second, then dropped again. It seemed like he was studying the carpet rather thoroughly.

"No. No, I'm, I'm good. Great, actually. How are you?"

"Hunky-fucking-dory, Adam. Do you know why Matt thinks I told Vince about him and Jeff by any chance because I haven't got a clue".

Adam just stared at him. For maybe fifteen seconds he just stood there in the corridor and stared at him, completely unmoving, not even blinking. Then he shook his head, woodenly.

"No, sorry, I don't know".

Jay frowned at him, studying his face, trying to make out what was going on but getting absolutely nowhere. IN the end he just gave up, exasperated. "Okay then, thanks anyway", he said and left Adam standing alone. He sneaked a peek back over his shoulder as he got to his door, and Adam was staring after him.

***

With everything they's bee ging through, Jay had had barely two seconds together to dwell on his own problems. He liked it better that way for the most part - the more he could get his mind away from the fucked-up mess he called his life the better as far as he was concerned. And he guessed he had a good reason for distraction in the form of Jeff and his troubles. Surely what Jeff was going through was far worse than anything Jay could be experiencing. He liked to remind himself of that, for what little comfort it gace and for the mental boost he needed to sit with and console Jeff whenever he needed it. And he needed it often.

But as he stepped back into the room he heard the spray of the shower and knew he finally had a little time alone. Maybe that was a good thing - he'd be able to get his mind off of Jeff, the mysterious reason Matt thought he'd told Vince, and his own feelings on Matt and Jeff's relationship. That had to be a good thing. He was pretty sure it was screwing with his head thinking about all that 24/7.

There was onyl one problem. The moment he knew he had a chance to think his own thoughts, as soon as Matt and Jeff left his head, suddenly all he could think of was Adam.

His mind wnaswered back over the day. He'd managed just over a week without so much as being within ten metres of him, then wham, they'd talked twice in the same day. If what they'd done really qualified as talking, which, in terms of how they used to talk, it didn'. Adam had been kinda weird around him, which he supposed was to be expected. He couldn't honestly say he'd heard so many 'uh's leave Adam's mouth in all the time he'd known him. It as like he'd been at a loss for words, which almost never happened. So maybe he'd been nervous. He's made Adam nervous. Well, that was a first.

Then again, he hadn't exactly made things easy on him. He'd been cold, flat, had made absolutely no attempt at conversation. At the time he'd just wanted to get away as quickly as humanly possible, and he'd figured Adam idn't really want to converse with him anyway. They'd been more fored together than anything and short of completely blanking each other they'd had no choice but to talk. Not that Adam had had all that much of a problem with blanking him before, but that was beside the point...

He'd run away. He'd made an excuse and run away. What sort of an impression would that give Adam? That he couldn't stand to be around him? Well, that much was true at least. He wasn't sure he could stand t see him, stand in the same room, talk with him, for more than a few seconds because it brought it all back. Years of easy friendship. Smiles, jokes, the best times of his life. And that night, hot kisses, the look in Adam's eyes as he buried himself inside Jay, bodies entwined 'til the morning. The aftermath. It was too painful. He couldn't be around him and not feel his lips, hear him moaning his name. It was impossible.

So he'd brushed him off and run away. Very mature. Way to face up to your problems, Jay.

He lay down on the bed, kicking off his boots and resting his head back on his hands. Between the two of them he and Adam were one hell of a fucked up pair. Best friends, one in love with the other, the other horrified at the very idea. Except he hadn't seemed that way that night... It seemed like he wanted it, needed it, just as much as Jay did. But that was the pasy. And judging by the conversation they'd had the next morning, Jay guessed there'd been some sort of dire miscommunication somewhere along the line. All he knew for sure was Adam suddenly had a complete change of heart, and really Jay should've known better in the first place.

THe shower stopped, and when he heard Jeff's soft sobbing he was ashamed to find he was almost pleased for the distraction.

"Jeff, you okay in there?" he called.

"I'll be fine", came Jeff's choked, sniffling reply. Then he laughed. Not his usual laugh, but sad, miserable. "Fine. Yeah, I'll be fine, won't I".

Jay left the bed, pushed open the door and slipped into the bathroom. Jeff was standing naked in the shwoer stall, his back turned, leaning with his forehead pressed against the wall, dripping wet. Jay grabbed a towel from the rail and tugged Jeff away from the wall, slipping the towel around his waist, taking another and starting to dry his shoulders. Jeff didn't even try to resist.

"I'm not gonna say you'll be fine", he told him, brushing the towel over Jeff's collarbone, lifting his wet blue hair out of the way. "You won't ever be fine. But it'll get better, easier. It will".

"I don't see how it can".

"Then you'll just have to trust me. It'll get easier, I promise".

"Like it has for you?"

Jay stuffed the towel into Jeff's hands and stepped back. "I'm only trying to help, Jeff. You didn't need to say that", he said, shaking his head.

"I know, Jay, I'm sorry, I'm just feeling really sorry for myself. You're probably right. You're always right. It'll get easier, for both of us. And 'til then we've got each other, right?"

"Yeah, we have. C'mon, dry off and come to bed. Maybe we'll wake up in the morning and everything'll be fine again".

"I hope so".

***

Jay woke early from fitful sleep, Jeff's cheek pressed against his chest, a small smile on his sleeping face. He could never quite understand how he could sleep so peacefully with all that was going on in his life. Jay hadn't managed a decent night in over a week. He hwasn't even sure how Jeff managed to sleep through all the tossing and turning, or how every morning like clockwork he'd wake up with Jeff plastered to his body. It was completely beyond him.

He waited until Jeff had moved just enough then slipped out of bed. He washed and dressed quickly, sneaking out of the room after writing a note so Jeff wouldn't worry. Then he went down early to breakfast. Except he changed his mind when he stepped into the dining room to find Adam there. Sitting with Billy, deep in conversation. He made an abrupt about-face and decided breakfast didn't seem like such a good idea after all. Suddenly he wasn't all that hungry anymore.

The day passed slowly and uneventfully, alone. He mooched around the city, wherever it was they were this week, picking up a couple of CDs he'd been meaning to buy for months that he'd probably never find tme to listen to and a shirt he thought might look good on Adam but that he'd got in Jeff's size as an excuse to buy it. He stopped in at a caf� and felt pathetic as hell sitting there alone eating a double portion of something gooey and disgustingly unhealthy. He wound up in some obscure comicbook store staring dumbly at a poster of himself standing with Adam. Then finally he decided he'd had enough of torturing himself wandering around aimlessly and started to wander back to the hotel.

He got lost and it started to rain. It seemed like every single taxi that went by was taken, nowhere was selling umbrellas and he'd left his coat back in the room. So when he finally got back to the hotel he dripped all the way through the lobby, left a small puddle of cold rainwater in the elevator and was thoroughly miserable by the time he realised he'd forgotten his keycard and couldn't get into the room.

Eventually Jeff opened the door. Beaming. Absolutely beaming.

"What's with you?" Jay asked, frowning and heading into the bathroom, shrugging out of his wet clothes and tossing them into the bath. Jeff followed him in with a set of dry clothes.

"Matt called", he said, perching on the edge of the bath, still beaming.

"And...?"

"He talked to Vince".

"Are you gonna tell me what you're grinning about or am I gonna beat it out of you with... this wet sock?"

"Matt talked to Vince. Well, Vince talked and Matt listened. He apologised, said the person who'd told him about us had come back and told him they'd made a mistake. According to Matt, Vince actually blushed. He was *so* embarrassed. Matt made him feel like hell. He's teaming us together again. We don't have to get separate rooms anymore. We'll have to be extra careful, but its not like we weren't anyway and... I can't believe it! Everything's working out!"

"Just like that?"

"Don't be such a cynic, Jay. Some things really do work out just like that".

"Not often, though. Admit it".

"I know, but this is working out. And I know Matt's still gonna have to pretend like he's with Amy but I guess it's worth it 'cause we get to be together and could you look any less happy for me?"

"Sorry. I was just wondering why everything can't work out for me like it has for you".

"I'm sorry. Really. It sucks. But I've gotta go. I'm meeting Matt and we're going to dinner to celebrate. Maybe a club or something. Amy's chaperoning. I'm not trying to be insensitive, honest, and you can come if you want..."

"I think I'll just stay here and dry off".

"Okay. Look, I'll see you later". Jeff headed for the door.

"Seeya".

"Oh, and Matt said to tell you he spoke to Adam and Adam convinced him you weren't the one who told Vince. Bye!"

The door slammed shut and Jay was left staring blankly at the spot where Jeff had just been before he could even get out a word to question. Adam? What the hell had Adam got to do with it? What the hell was going on?

***

The knock at the door took Jay by surprise - he�d been sitting on the bed he�d been sharing with Jeff, thinking back over his last encounter with Adam when suddenly there was a great rapping at the door that almost scared him out of his skin. Figuring it must be Jeff coming back to say he�d forgotten his key or he needed a coat or something, he mooched on over to the door and fiddled with the lock until it finally worked and he could pull it open.

�Hi, Jay�, Adam said, pushing his hair back behind one ear. Jay just stared at him. �Can I come in? I kinda think we, uh, need to talk�.

Slowly Jay nodded, stepping aside enough for Adam to walk into the room, flinching when Adam�s shoulder brushed his chest. He swung the door shut, leaning his forehead forward against it for a second as he tried to regain his composure. But it wasn�t working. His heart was hammering and suddenly he didn�t feel all that steady on his feet. And all because Adam had walked into the room.

�So, you wanted to say something?� he said, turning and walking across the room, leaning back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest.

Adam nodded. �Yeah, I uh, just thought I should, uh, tell you, that I, well��

And the phone rang.

Jay bit his lip as he strode across the room, passing Adam, picking up the receiver.

�Hello?�

�Hi, Jay. It�s Billy. I just wanted to say that��

�Billy, look, I really can�t do this now. Adam�s here. Can I call you back?�

�No, it�s okay, I� just tell Matt and Jeff I�m sorry, okay?�

Jay frowned, just for a second, before suddenly it dawned on him. �Billy, what have you done?�

�Didn�t Adam tell you?"

�No, he didn�t. You, Billy, you told Vince, didn�t you�.

�Yeah, yeah Jay I did. And I�m sorry - I never meant to get them into trouble but I didn�t know what else to do, y�know? I was desperate. I hope they won�t be too mad at me. I told Vince it was a mistake, though. He thinks I�m an idiot and I�ve embarrassed him but I�ve put it right. I didn�t mean to hurt anyone. It�s just I� well, I saw them kissing once, when I was trying to find you, and I just thought that if I could split them up then maybe Jeff wouldn�t have as much time for you� I know it doesn�t make sense �cause you weren�t really with Jeff and if he left Matt then maybe then he�d just spend more and more time with you, but he�d be too upset to want you, and I�ve really made a mess of things. I was just so jealous of them, of him, because you left me and all I really wanted was to get you back, Jay� I didn�t mean for this to happen this way, I swear. Just tell Matt and Jeff I�m sorry, okay? I�m glad Adam made me change my mind. It was just so wrong. I�m so sorry. I�m so, so sorry. You�re never gonna come back to me. I should�ve known that. I should just accept it, huh?�

�Yeah, Billy, you should. Look, I�ve got to go�.

�I understand. Seeya, Jay. I�ll miss you�.

�Seeya, Billy�.

He put down the receiver in stunned silence. Except he wasn�t really sure he was stunned per se - the more he thought about it now the more it seemed to make sense. He�d wondered who it could�ve been that told Vince, thought it might have been Adam or Amy, when all the time the most likely candidate had been Billy. Jealous Billy. No wonder he hadn�t tried to push him for what was wrong. No wonder he�d taken him back so readily. He�d been the one behind it all along. He�d told Vince to get Jay away from Jeff in some bizarre way. Maybe to Billy it made sense.

�He told Matt he�d overheard you telling Vince�, Adam told him, his voice small.

�Oh�. So now it made sense. Now he knew why Matt had been so ready to blame Jay. Aside from the fact that he probably knew Jeff was sleeping with him.

He looked up at Adam; he was standing across the room, looking down at his hands, one rubbing circles on the back of the other. He almost looked guilty, or uncomfortable. Jay guessed it was probably the latter, knowing Adam.

�So that�s what you came to tell me�, he said, not sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed.

�Yeah, I guess�, Adam replied in that same tiny voice. It almost didn�t sound like him it was so unbelievably small. �I just thought you should know. �Cause Matt�s been blaming you. I didn�t think that was fair when I thought I knew who�d done it. And I found out. I was talking to Billy and I got him to admit it. He really didn�t mean to hurt anyone, he just wanted you back. He wanted that so bad, y�know. He didn�t realise what sort of trouble he�d cause. But I got him to go to Vince and take it back. I hope everything�s gonna be okay now. Do you think Matt and Jeff are gonna be okay?�

Jay nodded, still rather mystified by the way Adam was talking to him. He really didn�t seem like the same person - it was like he was nervous around him, like he wasn�t quite sure if it was okay to be as familiar with him as they�d always been. And he found himself feeling oddly guilty. He knew why, too.

�Thanks for letting me know�, he said. �I wondered why Matt thought it was me, who told Vince, all of that. You�ve kinda cleared it up for me. Thanks for making Billy see sense. I didn�t know who to think it was. I� With the way you�ve been acting, hanging around with Matt and Billy, avoiding me, I kinda thought it might��

��be me. I know. But it wasn�t. I couldn�t do that to Matt and Jeff. I know what they mean to each other. You should know I couldn�t do it�.

�I know, I�m sorry�.

�Don�t be. After the way I�ve been acting I don�t blame you. I�m sorry for that too, y�know�.

�You are?� Jay asked, frowning.

�Yeah, I am. I�m, well, I�m really sorry. I shouldn�t have, uh, treated you, that way after, after that night. I�m really, really sorry. It was wrong of me. I�m so stupid sometimes, but I just didn�t know how to deal with it, �cause I mean, well, you know I�d never, uh, been with, a, uh, guy before, and it was kinda, well, weird for me, waking up, with you, like that. And knowing what you�d said to me, about how you feel, too� I didn�t want to believe that I�d, that we�d, y�know, done, it. And it�s not an excuse, �cause I should�ve known better than to say what I said, and I�m sorry because I know how much I must�ve hurt you, and if it�s any consolation I�ve felt terrible �cause I just know how wrong I was to say that to you� because the fact is, that, uh, you know I wasn�t drunk, right?�

Jay nodded slowly. He didn�t trust himself to speak.

�I just freaked out. I didn�t think I would. I thought I�d be able to cope. But I woke up and saw you lying there with me and I freaked out. Because I didn�t want anyone to get the wrong idea and think I�m gay �cause I�m not. I�m straight. It�s just, well, I needed to know what it was like for you, and I wanted it to be with you �cause well, you�re my best friend, and I don�t think I could�ve done it with anyone else. I�m sorry I said you�d taken advantage of me because I know if anyone took advantage then it was me �cause I knew you wouldn�t be able to say no� I�ve just screwed things up so badly and I was hoping that maybe this stuff with Matt and Jeff and how I got Billy to take it back might help to get you to forgive me, �cause, uh, I�ve, I miss you�.

Jay just couldn�t say anything. There were no words. He just stood there and stared at him, almost slack-jawed.

�No, don�t say anything, it�s okay, �cause I�ll understand if you can�t forgive me - I�ve made such a complete mess of everything, and just thing with Billy can�t make up for that, I know. But I didn�t just do it for you, I did it �cause I didn�t want to see Matt and Jeff split up like that, �cause even if I don�t get exactly how it�s right, I know it�s right that they�re together. It wouldn�t be right for them to be split up, no mater what, �cause they just belong together, y�know? When you see them together you�ve just gotta know it �cause they�re just perfect together and it�d be so wrong for anything to come between them. Billy wasn�t trying to hurt them, he was just trying to get you back. Because he wants you so much. And� well, I think I understand how he feels�.

�Adam, what are you saying?�

�I don�t know how to tell you�.

Jay�s heart was hammering, but he was trying to calm down because this couldn�t be what it sounded like. It just couldn�t. That would be too much to hope for. That�d be too good to be true. He wasn�t saying what he thought he was saying. He just couldn�t� be. �Adam, for Christ�s sake just say it!�

�I think I�m in love with you�.

***

There was this wonderful warm feeling that spread through him as Adam said the words. It made his heart flutter, made him feel just the faintest bit queasy. He almost couldn�t believe he�d heard the words. Except he had. He�d said it. But then he realised what was making him feel uneasy - Adam couldn�t mean it. And if he believed the words he could end up even more hurt than he was already. He couldn�t afford to believe it, no matter how much he wanted to, because he knew Adam, he�d known him for years, and this just couldn�t be right. No way, no how.

�Adam, don�t tease me like this, okay?� Jay said, sitting down on the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes. �I know you�re not gay. You�re the straightest person I know. You�re just confused or something, or guilty or whatever. Maybe you were drunk after all. Just don�t do this to me, okay? Don�t tell me that when I know you can�t mean it�.

He felt sick. Here he was hearing the words he�d been wanting and wishing and hoping he could hear for years, and now he was hearing them he knew they were a lie. It was too much. Until he felt Adam�s fingers underneath his chin, tilting his head up. He met his gaze, eyes blurred with tears he hadn�t realised were forming.

�I mean it�, Adam said.

�But you can�t!�

�Trust me, I do�.

�But��

�Jay, I may be a complete ass at times, but I�m not wrong about this. It�s not easy for me to say, either. God knows this isn�t easy for me. I�m in love with you. You�re a guy and I�m in love with you. What do you think this is doing to me? But it�s true. It�s taken a lot for me to realise it and I wouldn�t blame you if you wanted to kick my ass for what I�ve put you through, but it�s true. I saw what was happening with Matt and Jeff and I knew I couldn�t deny it anymore. It�s just such a fucking waste �cause I know you love me and I love you too and I�m pushing you away because of it. Jay�. A small smile flickered across Adam�s lips as he ran his thumb over Jay�s bottom lip, making him shudder. �I�m sorry. I fucked up. When I� when I made love to you it was amazing. Not just because I�d never done that with a guy before, but because it was with you, you understand? Because I�m in love with you, and I�d be stupid to let my own stupid-ass hang-ups get in the way of that. I love you�.

And he knelt down, between Jay�s thighs, leant forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Then to his cheek, to the tip of his nose, to his neck, to his collarbone, his chin, his jaw, and his lips. Then his hands were in his hair, pulling him closer until they were pressed together, and finally Jay understood that Adam really did want this. He pulled back slightly and looked down into his eyes, saw the fear and the vulnerability, but also the raw, pulsing want, the love. Adam loved him, wanted him. Adam loved him! Before he knew it he was sitting there grinning like an idiot with Adam kneeling between his thighs, his hands resting lightly on his hips. And that was when he realised it was all worth it. Every second of pain, every moment they�d been apart, every time he�d blamed himself and wondered if they�d ever have anything like the friendship they�d had before. Because now he knew they could have so much more. Adam had just needed all that to realise.

�But you don�t like guys�� Jay muttered as Adam leaned in to kiss him again.

�No, but I like you�, he said with a grin.

***

Adam didn�t have to say a word - Jay already knew what he wanted, what he had to do to make things right between them once and for all. He had to show him it was okay to feel the way he felt, that he was loved in return. And although he knew there were other ways to show him, there was one very direct and very specific way Adam had in mind. And this time he�d do it.

He didn�t have to ask if it was what Adam wanted - when he stood and pulled him with him, when he started to tug off Adam�s shirt, he knew from the look in his eyes that he wanted it. He smiled as a blush crept up Adam�s neck and cheeks when they were finally standing there together, naked, beside the bed. Then he kissed him, guided him back to the bed, sat him down, laid him out, stretched out on top of him, feeling the press of Adam�s hardness against hid thigh. It was incredible. He�d never thought this could happen, not without copious amounts of alcohol or Adam having a complete personality transplant. But there they were.

�This is going to feel a little weird�, Jay whispered, pulling back, trailing his hands down over Adam�s bare skin, feeling him shudder. He reached down off the bed and scooped up Jeff�s bag, pulling out the lube he knew was sitting in one of the side pockets, spreading it over his fingers, eyes locking with Adam�s beneath him as he brushed his fingertips over his skin, ghosting over his thighs and lower, pressing at the opening. Adam bit down on his lip and Jay froze for a second before Adam nodded and gave him a little panicky smile.

Adam was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Before long he was fighting the loss of his inhibitions, trying not to fuck himself on Jay�s fingers, whimpering, clawing at the sheets. Jay knew what the incoherent words were begging for. He withdrew his fingers, crawled up over Adam�s shivering body and brushed his lips against his.

�What do you want?� he whispered beside Adam�s ear.

�You�, Adam choked, pushing him back to look him straight in the eyes. �You. Inside me. Now�.

Jay just smiled and sat back on his heels, reaching for the lube.

�This is going to hurt�, he told him. �I wish it didn�t have to, but it will. Just� just bear with it and it�ll get better, you�ll see�.

Adam nodded. Jay swallowed hard and leaned forward.

Adam whimpered as Jay pushed inside of him, as slow as he could, trying to give him time to adjust. He could see the pain on Adam�s face, although he was trying his best to hide it, and it was just killing him. But then the grip on his biceps tightened and he felt Adam pressing back against him, drawing him in further. He couldn�t stop himself from rocking gently, angling slightly to hit the spot inside Adam that he knew would drive him completely out of his mind.

�What the hell was that?� Adam�s eyes went wide.

�I think you just found your prostate, Adam�, Jay said with a smile.

�Do it again�.

So he did. Over and over, slow at first then faster and faster, thrusting in deeper, hearing Adam�s moans, feeling his hips thrust up against him, his muscles tensing, eyes on his the whole time until that one nudge that pushed him over the edge. He shuddered and moaned, coming against Jay�s stomach, the sensation all he needed to drive him over too.

Then Adam reached up and pulled him down beside him, into his arms. He smiled, pressing a kiss to Jay�s lips.

�I love you�, he whispered, a look of vulnerability in his eyes. Jay smiled.

�I love you too�, he said, and the look disappeared.

***

�Uh, is there something you two want to tell us?�

The voice at the bottom of the bed, the coughing, the door opening and slamming, woke both Adam and Jay. Jay was pretty sure there�d be bruises on his arm where Adam was gripping it so tightly, and the mortified look on his face wasn�t exactly promising. He looked up. It was Jeff, with Matt in tow.

�Uh�� Jay started, no idea what to say, brushing his hair back behind one ear with his free hand then pulling the sheets up a little higher. �Well��

�Yeah?� Jeff said with a slightly amused look on his face.

�We�re together. Me and Jay. We�re together�. Adam sounded a lot more sure of himself than Jay knew he was, could tell from the way he was gripping his forearm. But the words made him smile.

�I guess that means you�re not gonna throw me out today�, he whispered, leaning up close to Adam�s ear.

�If I wasn�t such an ass I wouldn�t have thrown you out last time�, he said, punctuating the sentence with a kiss.

�Uh, we�ll leave you to it, guys�, Matt said, backing out the door.

�Yeah, appreciate it�, Adam said, hauling himself up to sit astride Jay�s legs. The door slammed shut as Adam leaned in for a kiss.

�You know this is gonna be hard on me, right?� Adam asked, smoothing Jay�s hair back from his face.

Jay nodded. �Yeah, I know�.

�I don�t know how to deal with this�.

Jay smiled, pulling Adam down on top of him. �We�ll deal with it together�, he said.

***
End
***