***

Title: This Is Love
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: Erm, NC-17 to be safe.
Content: Blood. Sorta violence. A bit of m/m sex. And as per usual, language. Please don�t read if you�re squeamish about knives.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Sequel to �Love You�, the sequel to �Love Me�. Mail me or check the wwfsml message archive if you didn�t read those and want to.
Notes: I dreamt the bit with the knife. I actually dreamt that! I�m starting to scare myself.

***
This Is Love
***

This feels like heaven and I never want it to end. Maybe it never will � maybe he�ll keep me here like this forever and never let me leave this bed. Or maybe he�ll stop right now and leave me begging for more. Whatever he does I know it�s gonna be incredible, just like it always is. We�ll both wind up happy and satisfied and tangled up in the sheets together, and we probably won�t wake up �til tomorrow afternoon. He knows exactly what to do, and if I just surrender to his will then it can be perfect. It can be heaven on earth. And it should be. He�s had plenty of practice.

I hate that I think that way, but I can�t help it. I can never quite decide if I should feel jealous of the guys that came before me. Most of them I�ve never met and I�m not gonna torture myself asking him who they were and what he did with them, but the one I know is enough. The one I know was with him for sure, with him longer than me, who he loved before me. I�m not quite sure how I feel about him. I don�t even know how I�m supposed to feel, �cause when it comes to Raven all my emotions are just screwed. I have absolutely no frame of reference � it�s like being stuck in the middle of a fucking great wide ocean with a compass that�s not sure which way�s north. I never know what to think. It�s funny how you can love someone so much and be so completely sure of that, but know you�ll never be sure of anything else.

He still loves Stevie, I know that. And I�m not expecting that to go away anytime soon, �cause I mean, they were together for years. That�s gotta count for something, and I know it does. Raven loved him, and Stevie broke his heart. He made him miserable when he left. He�s told me the whole story, every gory detail. Even if I have no clue how I feel half the time, I know exactly how Raven felt the night Stevie left him, and I know there�s a part of him that�s never gonna get over it.

And I know Stevie loves him. I�ve seen it. You can�t see them together and not see it, �cause they�re so blatantly still in love with each other. It�s just in the way they act, the looks they share, a shade of familiarity that�s just a little too close for �just good friends�. Sometimes I have to ask myself if there�s a chance they�ll give it another try, try to make a go of it this time, because I�d be a fool if I didn�t believe they�ve both thought about it. Even if Stevie has Billy Kidman and Raven has me, they�ve just gotta have thought about it. They can�t not have.

But they�re not going to do it. I know they�re not, I know it, and this isn�t just wishful thinking. They�ve said goodbye and I was there when it happened. They�ve made their peace with it, they�re not together anymore. And Raven couldn�t leave me, no way, �cause he loves me. And I love him. We�re perfect for each other, more than he and Stevie ever were. He couldn�t leave me even if he wanted to, which he doesn�t. So that�s not the reason I�m jealous of Stevie, if that�s what I�m feeling. Because I know there�s no way Raven�s ever going to go back to him. He�s never gonna leave me. They�re finished.

So what reason do I have? Stevie�s his past. Whatever they had, it�s gone, it�s over. But I still have a reason.

***

I don�t think I ever knew what love was �til I met Raven. Sounds clich�d as hell, I know, but it�s true. He showed me what real love can be. No one else ever even came close.

It�s hard going through life not really sure whether it�s just not your time yet or if you�re never gonna fall in love, and I spent twenty-three years that way. A couple of times I almost managed to convince myself that what I was feeling was love, but it never worked out �cause you shouldn�t have to convince yourself. You should just feel it. You should just know it. It should be in you all the time, like it�s in me now I�m with Raven. I love him. It�s so strong I almost can�t get past it, it�s like I�m restless every second I�m not with him, like I wanna do something or go somewhere but I don�t know what or where. Or why.

I know other people have loved me. Rationally, I know they loved me. I think maybe Chris did, and if anyone loved me then Hunter did. They told me all the time. They treated me just like they thought I should be treated, like I was this precious thing that they had to keep safe and wrapped up in cotton wool. They made me feel safe. And I wanted to love them, I swear I did. I tried so hard. I could see that they loved me and I wanted to give them that back, because I knew that that�s what any normal guy would do. I should�ve loved them. But I shouldn�t have had to force myself.

Hunter loved me so much. He never seemed like the type who could open up that way, be a whole different person with me. He�d just get into our room and suddenly he�d be this attentive, perfect lover, this guy who I never dreamed he could be. He�d hold me so gently and kiss me so sweet� And I�d be so touched. But that�s as far as it went. I was touched. It sorta made me feel special that he�d treat me that way and no one else, that he�d love me so much he�d handle me like I�d bruise if he dropped me.

The way he made love to me was awe-inspiring in its sweetness. He never hurt me in the least, he made sure of it. He was so tender and he moved so slowly, he actually brought tears to my eyes. I�d never had a lover like that. But when I realised I didn�t love him back, that even this amazing sex wasn�t doing it for me the way it should, that sometimes I just wanted to scream at him to fuck me harder or faster, make me hurt, I had to wonder if there was something I was missing. I started to wonder why I�d started seeing him in the first place.

Why the hell was I seeing him? What exactly had drawn me to him? Because if I hadn�t seen this amazing, tender side of him, what was it that I saw that attracted me? I know I never saw that side of him before the first time he made love to me, and after that he was just that guy every second he was with me. But before? Who was he before? Hunter. He was his gimmick to a fucking tee. And I�d gone after that, that sadistic son of a bitch. Evil Hunter, the sledgehammer-wielding Hunter, the guy whose smirk made me weak at the knees. He was the guy I wanted. I didn�t want soft, I didn�t want tender � I wanted hard, fast and painful. But I still wanted to be loved. Does that make any sense?

Hunter never understood when I wanted him to fuck me. Hunter never understood when I wanted him to hurt me. He thought I was playing with him, that if he so much as laid a finger on me I�d be out the door before he even knew I�d got out of bed. Maybe he thought I wanted it but if he did it I�d realise I was wrong. And maybe he just thought it was wrong and he couldn�t bring himself to do it. He said he wanted it to be perfect between us, that he loved me and there was no way he could ever hurt me. I guess he didn�t realise that he was hurting me by not doing it. And all I was asking him to do was fuck me. I can just imagine what he would�ve thought if I�d asked him to cut me. He really would�ve freaked. It almost would�ve been worth it just to see the look on his face. Of course, back then I had no idea that was what I wanted. I just wanted him to fuck me �til it hurt, maybe make me feel.

But he never did. I felt like he was suffocating me in all that care and attention. He had me wrapped up so tight that I couldn�t feel anymore. I wanted to feel love. I knew Hunter loved me, but I didn�t feel it. And I didn�t feel it back for him. In the end that�s why I left. I wanted someone who�d show me love, who�d make me feel it in every inch of my body, who�d make me feel the way Hunter never did. I left him to find that.

And then I met Raven.

***

There was something about the way he acted that drew me to him. He just seemed so sad all the time, so lonely. Except �lonely� implies that he wasn�t comfortable with it, so I guess I mean alone. He�s a loner. Or he was, because now he�s with me and we spend practically every spare second together. Can you be a loner and still be with someone? I guess if we can be loners together� Okay, now I�ve confused myself. Let�s just say he�s comfortable when he�s alone. He�s always been that way.

I don�t know if that�s exactly why we ended up together, but I guess it helped. He had that kinda air of mystery about him, and everyone tried to warn me away from him. But by then he�d already shown me that he wasn�t quite like that. At least he wasn�t like that with me. I think maybe if he had been then I would�ve been terrified and I probably wouldn�t have stayed with him. Really, he was just like Hunter in the beginning, and while that was kinda frustrating it was also kinda reassuring. He wanted to be with me so bad he was reining all that stuff in, not treating me that way he wanted to �cause he thought he�d lose me. I was grateful for that.

Stevie tried to warn me about Raven once. He caught me backstage one night, grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a room, sat me down and tried to tell me that it was probably a bad idea for me to be with him. I know he wasn�t doing it out of jealousy, because he wanted Raven back for himself or anything like that, �cause if he had he could�ve done a hell of a better job. He could�ve flat out told me to keep away, he could�ve threatened me. But he didn�t. He just showed me what was left of what Raven had done to him, the scars all over his chest and his stomach, and told me about the rest. He didn�t even try to make it sound bad. Stevie wasn�t trying to tell me to stay away. He was telling me what would happen and giving me a choice.

He just stood there and told me what had happened. He told me a lot. He told me how it felt and how he�d never wanted any of it, that he�d tried to tell him no but he�d never listened. And in the end he�d made him feel so good he hadn�t cared what he was doing. He let him cut him. He let him hit him. He let him fuck him �til he couldn�t stand, bruise him all over, scar him for life. And he�d never wanted it. Raven had so much power over him that he could make him give over control, let him do whatever he wanted. And he made him like it. That�s what he told me. That�s the choice he gave me. Leave Raven or have him do the exact same thing to me.

Except Stevie didn�t know one thing. Raven learned his lesson when Stevie left him. He�d got so scared that someone he loved could leave him again that he held all of that back and tried to change himself. He did that because he was scared to death I�d leave him. He fell for me the way he�d fallen for Stevie but he wasn�t going to lay a finger on me because he�d seen how that turned out. He was trying so hard to be the lover with me that Stevie had always wanted him to be, because that�s what he thought I wanted.

But he was cracking apart at the seams. Every time I looked at him, saw him looking at me, I saw it. He was holding back as hard as he could, but it wasn�t the real him I was seeing. I couldn�t believe I�d never seen it before, probably because I had seen it but I�d been denying it.

I wasn�t sure what I wanted after that. Until I thought back over what I�d had with Hunter, and then I knew. Because it was what I�d always wanted. This was what I was missing. And Raven could give it to me. And I realised that the only reason I was still with him was because I could see who he was underneath. And that guy he was � I loved him. I just had to show him that.

And I did. I showed him beyond a shadow of a doubt. He thought I was just in love with the idea, that I thought it was a sort of romantic way to be close to him. But I proved him wrong. All I wanted was the pain. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel. It didn�t really matter who it was who did it, I just wanted it. I needed it to feel good. And I needed it from him to feel loved.

I guess it was kinda fitting that Stevie was the guy he chose to test me. I didn�t know Stevie was capable of anything like that and I got the shock of my life when he hit me. After everything he�d said to me, after the way he�d said it, after everything Raven told me about him, it didn�t seem like he should be able to do any of that. He should�ve been looking for a stable relationship with someone who�d treat him the way he�d always wanted, not turning into the guy he�d hated for the past five years. But he did it well. I guess he�d had the best teacher.

And after that night Raven understood; he could give me what I needed and he could show me love the way he needed. He could be himself with me, give me everything he had, and I�d just love him more and more. I don�t think I�ve ever seen him happier than in that moment he realised. But he gets that same look every time he hurts me. It�s like paradise in his eyes and in his arms.

That�s what Stevie didn�t get; he thought I was the way he was way back when, but I�m not and I never was. I�m what Raven wanted him to be. I understand what Raven needs and I�m it. I�m better for him than Stevie ever was, I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. So why am I still jealous?

***

There�s a knife in my stomach. Okay, not literally *in* my stomach, but it�s pressed into the flesh over it, over my belly. He loves that spot, it�s his favourite place to cut me. And it�s my favourite place for him to cut me, too. Weird, since that�s where most people would spot the cuts � my shirts ride up and you can see a few inches of skin, and that�s where he cuts me most. And that�s where the tip of the knife is now.

It hurts like hell, and it should. I mean, I�ve got about half an inch of steel inside me, cutting into me. It�s supposed to hurt. But it hurts so good you wouldn�t believe it.

The blade�s cold. It�ll warm up, but right now it�s cold �cause he�s just put it in me, into the bruise he made there on me earlier. I can feel it as he moves it around slightly, pressing against the sides of the cut he�s just opened up in me. It�s smooth and thin and cold, like how a razorblade feels except a little thicker, a slightly different shape and at the end of a black handle he�s gripping in his left hand, and it�s sending these shivers of pain through me� It�s amazing I can even think while he�s doing this it hurts so bad. But it hurts good. He makes it hurt good. It�s what he�s best at. It�s his special gift. And it�s even better because every touch is love. With ever touch I feel exactly how much he loves me. Now he�s marking me as his, marking me the way he wants, and I�ll bear that mark forever.

He keeps flicking his tongue around the edge of the knife, around the cut, lapping at the skin around it, pressing down on the bruise slightly and clearing the blood away while he moves the knife slightly with one hand. The other�s tracing little circles further up on my chest, around one nipple, driving me crazy. His tongue�s so warm and the steel�s so cold, and the way he�s sucking on my skin now, his lips pressing moist, bloody kisses against me, sweeping up to tug on my navel ring� He hasn�t even got me out of my jeans and I�d already hard for him. All that and the weight of his body on me is just out of this fucking world. God, what he does to me.

Then he pulls the knife out, tosses it off the bed. I think it landed on my shirt, or his shirt, or both, but I don�t really care where it landed. All I care about it the feel of the blood running down over my stomach, down my side, trailing down to where my back meets the sheets. We must�ve gone through so many sheets, staining them, ruining them. Except we just keep using them over and over, like the stains are just part of the design. They kinda are now. I don�t mind sleeping on bloodstained sheets. They just remind me of him.

It hurts when he pulls off my jeans, but that�s only because of what he did to me before we got to the bed and it makes me smile just thinking about it. Of course, smiling�s a bad idea right now, with my lip in this state. I�m just going to open up the split he put there a couple of nights back, and since I know I�m probably gonna be hauled back down the roster if I keep showing up for work looking like this I don�t really want that. Not that that matters to me right now, �cause I couldn�t care less about anything other than what he�s doing with his mouth�

Then he stops and I just know I�m frowning up at him as he gets up off the bed. I want task him what he�s doing but I don�t, I can�t. I don�t think I really want to know. I�m starting to think maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should be more responsive, tell him how good it feels? I thought the moaning let him know how I feel. It�s not even like I�m trying to make those sounds � it�s just how I feel about what he�s doing �cause it feels *so* good.

And then I know I didn�t do anything wrong �cause he�s pulling off his jeans too, tossing them onto that growing pile of clothes by the side of the bed. And he�s looking at me, at the cut in my belly, at the bloody that�s run down and started pooling in the hollow of my navel. I can almost feel him dipping his tongue into it, licking me clean, and as he licks his lips I know he�s thinking about it.

But now he�s astride my thighs and he�s got his mouth wrapped around me, I�m down his throat, and it�s so good I can�t believe I�m not coming right now. But something tells me I shouldn�t �cause there�s more to come. He hasn�t fucked me yet tonight. I wanna feel that, I wanna come with him inside me �cause it�s always better that way. It feels right.

I can�t stop the shudder as he draws back, licks his lips, rises up on his knees. He looks great like this, just so beautiful I almost can�t believe he�s here with me. I wanna feel him. I want him to take all this paranoia I�ve got, all this jealousy, and make it go away like I know he can. I�m already aching all over from earlier � he almost convinced me then. Fingers gripping my wrists, fists connecting with my jaw, my chest, my stomach, elbows and knees leaving bruises too� And all the time his eyes were shining, a small smile on his lips. It was perfect.

Everything hurts just right, the way only he can make me hurt. All my muscles are aching, and they�re all aching for him. Every inch of me wants him and what only he can do to me. Because don�t get me wrong, anyone could do this physically, but only he can give me this this way. He shows me love with everything he does. Saying it isn�t enough for him. Doing it is the only way he knows I know.

Oh God, what the fuck is he doing? What the fuck? Oh God that feels good but what the�? He can�t have meant to� But he�s looking me right in the eye and I guess he meant to after all. And he looks so happy, so fucking fulfilled� But what the fuck am I doing inside him?

He�s moving and that�s good because I know I couldn�t �cause I�ve lost all control of my body I swear it. He�s moving up and down around me, slowly, and he�s so hot, so fucking hot, it�s insane how hot he is and how goods this feels and he�s biting down on his bottom lip to keep from screaming, I can see it. There�s this little trickle of blood running out and down over his chin, snaking down his neck, and all I want to do is lick him clean. I�ve never tasted him. I want to so bad. But I�m not gonna move. Oh God, this just feels too good to end�

But what�s he doing? Why am I� on top? I�m looking down into his face, into his eyes, and he�s pulling me back down inside him, my hair hanging down around my shoulders and he�s pushing it back. I lean down, pushing into him just a little further, licking away that trail of blood from his throat. He shudders beneath me and I can�t believe this is happening. What did I do to deserve this? It must�ve been something pretty fucking saintly, and I don�t remember doing anything that good, like ever, in my entire life. But hell, I�m not complaining.

Then I feel all his muscles contracting around me, I look down and we�re covered in sticky white. And God, I�m shaking and I know I�m letting it all go so deep inside him. This is weird. Good, but weird. It�s amazing. It�s more than I ever expected. It�s more than I ever wished for. I�ve got all of him. And it feels so good I can�t believe it. Why was it never like this before? Chris never felt like this. Hunter never even let me do this. This is just, oh God, I have no words. Me, I have no words!

And I�m lying on top of him, still inside him, too tired to move. And he doesn�t care, I can see he doesn�t. He�s not trying to move me. He doesn�t mind if I stay like that. He really has no idea how much I love him. But he just showed me how much he loves me.

His fingers play at the cut in my stomach, almost pushing inside, making me hiss and smile at him before I drop my head to his shoulder, kissing the skin over his collarbone as I finally roll off him, lying beside him. His free arm�s around my waist now, he�s still playing at the cut, and he brings his fingers to my mouth, trailing them over my stomach so I get the taste of my blood mixed with him on my tongue. He always knows just what to do to drive me completely insane. I wonder if he has any idea how perfect he is.

But I don�t have the energy. I think I�m just gonna lie here warm and smiling in his arms and go to sleep.

***

He looks so perfect it�s scary. He�s just lying there looking at me with his head propped up on one hand, and I know he�s been watching me sleep. He does that almost every morning. And I guess it�s morning but I don�t really know �cause there�s no clock in this room. It doesn�t feel like I slept into tomorrow afternoon. It feels like I just went to sleep an hour ago, but in a good way, like that makes any sense. It�s like I�m kinda rested but I can still remember everything that happened. I don�t wanna forget. I never wanna forget anything we ever do together. It�s just something I never thought I�d have.

�What�s the time?� I mumble into the back of my wrist. I lick my lips and realise I still taste of him.

�Nine�, he tells me, checking his wristwatch, smiling. �Do you know how pretty you look with my blood on your chin?� I rub at it absently as he reaches under the sheets, rubs my stomach, making me wince. �You�re going to need stitches in that�.

�Aww hell, ya think?� I know I�m pouting but I don�t care. I don�t wanna have to go to the hospital. I don�t wanna have to go anywhere, I just wanna lie here with him.

�Yeah, I think. We need to get you to the hospital before you get infected�.

�But��

�Unless you want me to stitch you up�.

Did he just say that? Did I just imagine that? Wishful thinking. There�s no name for that tingly feeling I get when he says things like that. It�s just the thought that he might do it, and he says it in that way that makes me shiver in anticipation. It�s always unexpected, catches me off-guard and makes me wonder if he really means it or if he�s just teasing. But right now I don�t even know if I heard him right.

�Did you just�?�

�Do you want me to stitch you up, Jeff?�

There�s that shiver again. And I�m nodding, looking him right in his eyes. He grins, chuckling.

�Okay, c�mon, let�s get you fixed up�� He flings back the sheets and pulls me out of bed, giving me an appreciative once over. I look down and see what he was looking at. I�m bruised and bloody and I�m exactly what he made me. I love that. And he has me by the wrist, tugging me into the bathroom.

I haven�t a single fucking clue where he got that sewing kit from. Or the stuff he�s going to sew me up with. It looks like the real thing, professional medical stuff. He�s sat me down on the edge of the tub and he�s threading it into the needle that he�s just cleaned with disinfectant I didn�t know we had in here. And he�s kneeling between my legs, looking up at me with a serious look on his face but a smile in his eyes. I love when he does that. He knows how much I want this. God, I�m so fucked up.

The antiseptic he uses on the cut stings worse than I thought it would. For some reason that always takes me off-guard, which is strange �cause I can cope with so much more, but I always forget how much it hurts to have cuts treated. The needle hurts like hell as he pulls it through, pulling the edges of it tight together. And it feels odd to have a needle pulled through my skin, having this tiny piece of metal pulled through my skin, and it stings. I think that�s the disinfectant he used on it. But it�s good. I love when he does stuff like this. It�s just little things, little beautiful things, that make me love him more and more.

He�s great at this kinda thing, not that he�s sewn me before. The stitches are small. It�s like the scars he�s made on me, already in the short time he�s been doing this � they�re always neat. And this one�s gonna scar. It�ll look good, though. And every time I look down and see it, I�m gonna think of this morning when he sat me down in the bathroom and sewed up the cut he made the night before. I wish I could take a picture to remember this but the camera�s back home. Home. Our place. I�m never gonna get used to that idea. I live with him. This perfect guy who I love more than I know how to express.

And as he�s tugging the needle through me, paying attention to every little detail of what he�s doing, being so careful and taking his time, that�s when I know it. He loves me so much. Everything he does shows me. And I know I have no reason to be jealous of Stevie.

***

I guess my problem with Stevie is that he was the guy before me. And not only that, he was the guy my lover loved before me. They were in love and they still are. And I know that Stevie was the guy Raven learned most of this stuff with. He was the first guy he cut, the first guy he really beat. Stevie was the first guy to ever get all of Raven, to ever have get all his love and all his attention. Even if he didn�t want it, that�s what he got.

Raven loved him more than anyone he�d ever loved before. He loved him so much it hurt. And Stevie broke his heart when he left him. He broke his heart and made him think he had to change. But then Stevie went and changed himself, and he�s becoming just like Raven. He�s good at it, too. I�m kinda jealous that Raven managed to change him like that, and that Stevie had such a profound effect on Raven. They changed each other. They�ll be different forever because of what they had.

Stevie was the first guy my lover really loved the way he�d always wanted to be able to. Stevie was with him for longer than anyone else ever has been. Stevie broke his heart and despite that I know he�s all but forgiven him. Stevie�s always going to be all that and I can never take his place in Raven�s heart. I think that�s why I�ve been jealous of him all this time, ever since I first found out what happened between them. Because I wanted Raven all to myself. But you know what? That doesn�t matter. None of that matters.

Because he�s with me now. I can�t pretend that it doesn�t bother me that Stevie was the first guy he did a lot of this with, but that doesn�t really matter. Because he�s with me now. And I can show him a whole new world of hurt and love. I�m something Stevie never was. I�m the guy who needs this, the guy who loves him and who will do more than just lie back and take it. I�ll take part. I�ll tell him what I want. He�ll have new first with me and they�ll be spectacular, I just know it. Hell, did he ever sew up a cut in Stevie�s stomach? I don�t think so. And if he had, Stevie wouldn�t have thanked him the way I�m going to. No way.

He finishes the stitches, sets down the needle, and I watch him wiping away the blood. Then I kiss him. Hard.

�Wanna see what Stevie and Billy are doing?� I ask, pushing his hair back behind his ear as he kneels there, still between my thighs. He smiles.

�Later�, he tells me, standing, pulling me to my feet, against his chest. �I wanna play some more first�. And he leads me back into the bedroom, laying me down, kissing me, running his fingers over my bruises, my scars.

�I love you�, I tell him, pulling him closer. I don�t even need him to say it back. Because I can feel it in every little thing he�s doing to me. Because I can see it in his eyes.

So I know. I�m all he needs to be happy. And that�s never gonna end. But that doesn�t mean we can�t have a little fun along the way. And Stevie�s room�s just down the hall.

***
End
***