***

Title: The Night Will Only Know
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: R. Too much for PG-13, but I don�t think there�s anything to warrant NC-17. Why am I explaining myself? No one ever reads my headers anyway.
Content: Language, non-con m/m sex, a little non-graphic violence, implied self-injury and suicide. That�s right, I�m back to my usual cheery-cheery self. Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: The breakdown of a relationship, a suicide, and the reasons why. Wow do my summaries ever suck.
Notes: The title�s from a song by Garth Brooks. That�s right, Garth Brooks. To say I�m a rabid Metallica/NIN/Deftones/Incubus fan, that�s fairly odd.

***
The Night Will Only Know
***

I couldn�t cry at the funeral. It wasn�t because I didn�t want to or because I didn�t feel that I should � I just couldn�t. The tears wouldn�t come. I stood there at the graveside, watching as the casket was lowered down into the ground, and I just felt cold inside. He was dead and there was nothing I could do now. He was dead and I couldn�t cry for him. But others cried. He had others to cry for him and I was glad they did. Amy cried, so did Trish and Torrie and Stacey and Adam and Jay. His brother cried too. Softly, quietly, and in the rain that day I don�t think anyone but me could tell, but he cried. I didn�t. I don�t think I�ll ever forgive myself for that. The least he deserved was my tears.

That day was five months ago. It doesn�t seem like it sometimes � I can close my eyes and still feel the rain on my skin, soaking through my clothes on the hot summer day. It a freak act of nature but it fit the occasion. Tears from Heaven. I can still hear the raindrops on the casket-top, the minister�s voice hushed but clear, the sobs. I can smell the wet grass and the wet earth and the flowers on the wet, heavy air. I can feel his brother shaking as I wove my arm around his waist. I can see each and every person, each one clothed in black. Hats and veils and skirts and suits, anonymous faces in a crowd of black like a murder of crows. I remember that day completely.

I remember the party afterwards, although party is hardly the word. There was food the people politely nibbled, alcohol that just loosened tongues enough to talk about him. We all stood and sat around the house the brothers had lived in, the house we�d held the wake in, talking about him as if he�d been the best person alive or like we�d all loved him and would mourn him the rest of our lives. Some of us will. Some of us will never get over his death. But most of the people there never really knew him at all. I just sat in a corner and watched as half the Federation wandered through the house, trying to recall the exact colour of his eyes, the exact tone of his voice. I started to shake when I couldn�t remember.

Then someone put on a Pearl Jam CD and his brother started to cry again. I held him in my arms, I sat him down and watched him down a double whiskey, and I couldn�t bring myself to tell him it would all be okay. I knew it would be a lie. Nothing was going to be okay for him again. For me either.

***

I�d been dating Jeff for thirteen months. I was in love with him and he always told me he was in love with me. I had no reason not to believe him.

He�d just gotten out of a long-running relationship with an old friend of a friend of his, Shannon Moore, I was still trying to get over a bad break-up from my on-again off-again supposed love of my life Lance Storm, and we were both fairly sure it was just going to be a quick rebound fling when we first got together. We were just supposed to be cheering each other up and getting each other through a difficult time. I mean, we weren�t even dating exclusively back then � we�d go out together and most times one of us would end up back in our room with someone else. The number of times I walked in there and found him riding Adam or Jay just wasn�t funny, and I�d end up taking their bunk back in their room. Or he�d walk in on me and Benoit and I don�t think he was ever quite sure whether he wanted to go knocking on Eddie Guerrero�s door or his brother�s. Eddie always had the hots for him and the chances of walking in on Matt and Amy were always pretty high.

Then one night something changed. Neither one of us had found anyone else so we were back in our room pretty darn drunk and going at it something fierce. Then the phone rang. I remember Jeff sighing and rolling off me, swiping his hair back from his face and picking up the receiver with a groan. It was Shannon. He�d been trying to reach him all night. He begged Jeff to take him back. And Jeff told him to go to hell. All he�d wanted while we�d been together was for Shannon to call and do exactly what he�d just done, and Jeff blew him off. I frowned at him as he hung up and climbed in under the sheets.

�I thought you wanted him back�, I said. Jeff shrugged, taking the cross from around his neck and setting it down on the nightstand.

�I changed my mind�, he said, lying down.

�What the�? What changed your mind? I thought you loved him�.

�I do. I just think I love you more�.

He leaned over and turned off the lamp. I was too stunned to say anything and I don�t think he expected me to. He already knew I was in love with him, even if I didn�t. After that night, we didn�t see other people.

***

Being with Jeff full time took a bit of getting used to. Hell, it took a lot of getting used to. I tried to convince myself that nothing had really changed between us, that things were just less complicated now because one of us wasn�t going to have to find another place to stay practically every night. But that wasn�t right at all. After Jeff told me he loved me everything changed. It was like the words broke down some kind of barrier between us that neither of us had known was there, and suddenly there was all this passion and intensity and fire and heat on this whole new level. I�d never had that with Lance and a couple of times he told me he�d never had that with Shannon. What we had was special. I�d never felt that way about anyone before and I haven�t since. Lance wasn�t the love of my life at all. Jeff Hardy was. I just wish I�d known that at the time.

Because I didn�t know. I knew what we had was a hell of a lot more than I�d ever had with Lance, but it never quite registered that I�d never love anyone quite the way I loved him. He knew me completely without even trying and I knew him the same way. We just fit together like we were made for each other. And yeah the sex was great, but that wasn�t all we had. We were a real couple. What we felt was true love. We could just as easily sit together and watch a movie, him lying back against my chest, the fingers of one of my hands in his hair and his hand in my other, just warm and happy and content, as we could spend the night fucking.

And everyone knew we were together. I�d never had a relationship like that before, when I didn�t care who knew about it, but I didn�t care who knew about me and Jeff. No, actually that�s wrong � I wanted everyone to know. If I�d thought we could�ve got away with it I would�ve just gone around telling everyone and to hell with the consequences. But neither one of us was particularly interested in losing our job. Still, everyone who mattered knew. In the end Lance knew and Shannon knew and we even got around to officially announcing it to his terminally straight brother. He took it surprisingly well. For the longest time it was just perfect. For just under ten months it was absolutely perfect.

No doubt you�ve already guessed that something went wrong. Let�s face it, something always goes wrong. Even the best couples have problems. And you know it always seems like the ones who love the deepest hurt the most, break apart the most. We were deeper in love than I�ve ever been in my life. Okay so we didn�t have the problems I had with Lance, but he was different. We were trying to make a long-distance relationship where we got to see each other maybe every couple of months if we were lucky work out. It was doomed and we both knew it. But me and Jeff� we had everything going for us. But something had to go wrong. And it did.

I�d like to be able to say it wasn�t my fault, but it was. Well, when I look back on it, it always seems like it was. I don�t know if something would�ve happened if I hadn�t done what I did � maybe it was inevitable, I don�t know. But I did it, and after I did, nothing was ever the same between us. So in a way, it was my fault. It was all my fault.

***

I think things started to go wrong around the time the whole Invasion angle started. Lance walked into the catering area and I couldn�t talk. Jeff followed my stare and just left me there. I didn�t blame him. He�d just caught me staring at my ex, a guy I�d been with for years before we got together. But I made it up to him that night, made him realise that Lance was in the past and I didn�t want to be with him like that anymore. He believed me. I believed me. What I didn�t believe is when I said I didn�t want anyone but him. I knew I was lying even if he didn�t.

It wasn�t Lance I had the affair with. I can�t even seriously call it an affair �cause it was only one night. It wasn�t planned. It wasn�t like I�d been conspiring to cheat on my lover. I�d never cheated on anyone in my life and as far as I was concerned I was never going to. But I�d been thinking about it. I just hadn�t been thinking about doing it with Lance. I was really over him.

So I had the affair or the one night stand or whatever you want to call it and it was the worst night of my life. I really mean that, I�m not just saying it because it screwed things up between me and Jeff. I knew it wasn�t right. I�m never going to forgive myself for what happened that night. It�s always on my mind and it�s always on my conscience. And if I do happen to forget it, when I realise that I�ve forgotten it there�s this overwhelming guilt. I�ve never felt guilt like that. It�s so heavy it�s like it�s suffocating me with every breath I take. And it�s all because of that night.

So I had the one night stand and it changed everything. I went back to the room I was sharing with Jeff and I threw up for fifteen minute straight while he held my hair back and tried to get me to tell him what happened. I couldn�t say anything. Then we went to bed and I just stared up at the ceiling as he fell asleep against my chest, and I spent hours willing myself not to cry. And eventually I must�ve fallen asleep because I remember the dream I had. It was like I was just reliving everything that had happened, but in slow motion. I could hear and taste and smell and feel everything like I was right there. It only stopped when Jeff woke me up and I just couldn�t find the words to tell him what I knew I should. And everything just went downhill from there.

I can�t blame Jeff for any of it. If I was feeling particularly callous then I could, I guess � I could say he should�ve kept me interested and stopped me looking elsewhere. But it�s not his fault at all. I loved him and temptation�s just part of life. I should�ve lived with it, got past it, not given in to it. How weak does it make me that the first time I was tempted I gave in and fucked someone else? I knew it was wrong and I still did it. There�s nothing I can say to excuse that. And because I gave in and did it, everything got screwed up. I couldn�t explain where I�d been or what had happened that night, and Jeff started to get suspicious. He couldn�t trust me. I didn�t blame him. He shouldn�t have trusted me.

Things between us just got worse and worse. We�d spend whole nights just lying together in silence. We�d ignore each other backstage. I started spending all my time with Adam and Jay and he just hung around with his brother. And eventually we even stopped rooming together.

I was sitting in the locker room trying to look like I was reading a magazine and not staring at Kurt Angle and Hunter Hearst Helmsley across the room. They were all over each other. You know the kind of people I mean � they�re together and they�re just so mad about each other that they practically get it on right then and there and to hell wish anyone who happens to be in the room at the time. I�d been avoiding them for weeks, not that that was difficult with Hunter out with his quad. But there they were, Kurt in Hunter�s lap, sucking face like there was no tomorrow. And there I was trying to look like I was concentrating on that month�s Cosmo Amy had left behind before leaving. With Essa Rios. I didn�t need to ask to know what was going on there. Then Jeff walked in and sat down next to me.

�Chris, I�m going to room with Matt for a while�, he said, not even looking at me. �Amy left him and, well, he�s a mess. Someone needs to be with him�.

I just nodded. And Jeff just left.

***

I roomed with Raven after that. Jeff and I didn�t officially break up, but we weren�t together. He ended up being another person added to my list of people to avoid, but I think I was even more comfortable around Hunter and Kurt than I was around Jeff and Matt. Because after that day they were practically joined at the hip. And I knew that for Jeff at least the whole thing with Amy and Essa was just an excuse to keep him away from me.

They weren�t difficult people to avoid. I remember Adam cornering Jeff on one of those oh-so-rare occasions when he was without his brother and asking him why we never saw them out anymore � Jeff just shrugged and muttered something about Matt not feeling like it. Adam rolled his eyes and let him go. I felt sick. I excused myself and went back to the room I was sharing with Raven.

A couple of weeks passed like that, Jeff locked away with Matt, me spending all my time out in bars with Adam and Jay or moping around hotel rooms with Scott. He kept trying to cheer me up, which was completely out of character for him, We slept together a couple of times but I don�t think it made either of us feel any better. And every morning I�d wake up next to him wishing he was Jeff. And every time I tried to talk to Jeff, every time I asked if we were going to room together again, spend any time together, he�d just tell me Matt was having nightmares or Matt needed him or whatever. I gave up avoiding him. I didn�t need to. He was doing a good enough job of avoiding me as it was.

Watching Jeff tagging with Matt again was torture. They were such a great team, but Matt just kept getting crazier and everyone assumed it was to make up for what Jeff was now lacking. He just didn�t seem to have any energy out there, and aside from the occasional Swanton, what he was doing was disturbingly safe for him. One night I remember seeing him climb the ropes to Swanton, then suddenly it looked like he looked to Matt and changed his mind as he saw him dive out from the opposite corner over the top rope, driving a Dudley through the announce table. Matt knocked himself out cold that night. I�d arranged with Jeff that we�d get together and talk. That never happened.

I had a terrible match against Kurt that night, right after Matt had been taken out on a stretcher. It was a fucking awful match, the worst I�ve had in years. I was missing spots all over the place and I could barely even bring myself to touch Kurt. I�ve seen the tape and I swear, every time he touched me I flinched. The only reason it was anywhere near passable was that Kurt practically carried me through it. He worked his ass off to make me look good, even when I slipped and missed the lionsault, when I mistimed and landed a huge right to his jaw. I just couldn�t hold up my end of the match at all. I knew I should�ve begged out of that match, I guess I just wanted to punish myself.

Then I went back to the hotel and lay in bed staring at the bathroom door as Scott hummed something tunelessly and tried to pack. Until he turned to me and just said �if you�re that miserable without him, go see him for fuck�s sake�. So I did. I got up off the bed, I left the room and I walked down to the room where I knew he was staying. Scott was right. I was miserable without him. I needed to be with him. At the very least I had to make sure he knew none of it was his fault.

I knocked on the door and got no answer. I was seriously just about to walk away, but I could just hear what Scott would�ve said. Why he has to be so blunt all the time I�ll never know. So I tried the door, just in case. It was unlocked. I pushed it open and stepped inside.

The room was kinda dark � the only light on was the lamp on the nightstand next to one of the beds, and I didn�t want to put on the light in case I woke someone up or something. But it didn�t look like there was anyone in the room to wake up. Both beds were empty and unmade, they weren�t in the chairs, I couldn�t see anyone. All I could see was a sea of empty miniatures on the tabletop, like someone had cleaned out the entire refrigerator. Those and a couple of bottles of pills. I walked over and picked one up. Xanax. Someone was taking Xanax? I couldn�t help thinking that things just kept on getting better.

I turned and saw the light was on in the bathroom. I could see it under the door. I had this feeling like I shouldn�t go in there, but I couldn�t help myself, I had to.

For a second I was convinced I was going to find someone dead in there, but there was no one in there. Just hotel towels, more Xanax, a couple of toothbrushes and a bottle of hair dye with a razorblade sitting next to it. In a dried pool of blood.

�Chris�. I turned, quick, almost tripping myself. It was Matt, standing in the bathroom doorway. �Can I help you with something?�

I stared at him for a second. He seemed pale under the bright bathroom lights and the stitches in his forehead looked almost gruesome. I opened my mouth and just closed it again, smoothing back my hair even though it was already tied back.

�I was, uh, looking for, Jeff�.

�He�s parking the car. He�ll be here any minute if you want to wait��

I shook my head. �No, no, Matt, that�s, uh, that�s okay. I�ll, I�ve got to��

I ran. I actually ran. I pushed past him out of the bathroom and ran out of there passing Jeff on his way into the room, and ran the whole way back �til I was sitting virtually sobbing on my bed behind the door of my own room, sobbing into Scott�s chest while he rubbed at my back and my hair and tried to calm me down. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, that I didn�t deserve it, but I couldn�t. I just sat there and cried. I guess that was when I realised I hated myself.

And three days later he was dead.

***

I wasn�t there the night Matt Hardy died. I was in Florida with his brother, my lover, trying desperately not to lose him, and he died in San Antonio. There was nothing I could do to console Jeff. He didn�t even want me to go with him out to Texas, but I did anyway. Not that it made any difference to him that I was there. His brother had just died and because of me he hadn�t been there. He blamed himself and he blamed me. There was nothing I could do to make that better.

The funeral was held in Cameron a week later. Half the Federation was there. Jeff didn�t feel like he could stop anyone from going so he didn�t even try. All Matt�s friends were there. So was I. I�d never been his friend. I was an acquaintance. Some people who really didn�t understand might have said we were friends but really we weren�t. Matt always resented me for being the guy Jeff chose to be with instead of some nice girl, and I always resented Matt for how much his resentment hurt Jeff. We weren�t friends. Never. I almost wish we had been. Maybe if I�d known him better, maybe if we�d been closer, none of this would have happened.

I stood beside my lover at his brother�s funeral and felt him shake beneath my arm as he cried. I held him and I knew nothing was ever going to be the same between us. We�d stay together but it wouldn�t be the same. He still loved me, I still loved him, we�d share rooms, we�d kiss and we�d talk and we�d pretend there was nothing wrong. That�s all we�ve done since the day of the funeral. I know he blames me for taking him away to Florida and I know he blames himself for going. I know he thinks he could have stopped Matt if he�d been there. And maybe he could have. But there�s something he doesn�t know. There�s something that Matt never told him.

He committed suicide five months ago now. He took every single ounce of Xanax he had in the room, washed it down with half a bottle of cheap vodka and lay down on his hotel bed waiting to die. Jeff was clear across the other side of the country in my bed when it happened. We were asleep in my bed when he got the phone call telling him his brother had taken his own life. Everyone assumed it was over Amy. He�d been a wreck since she left him. Even she blamed herself. She cried at the wake right through the funeral and she was still sniffling when she left that night. Of course Jeff had himself and me to blame as well as Amy, but everyone else just kept telling us it wasn�t our fault and it wasn�t Amy�s fault, Matt was just depressed and it was inevitable.

Inevitable. Unavoidable. Except it wasn�t, was it. Because I could have stopped it. Matt didn�t have to die.

***

Jeff left the arena just before me the night I had the affair. He was going to stop by a pizza place he knew on the way back the hotel and all I felt like doing was collapsing so he went on his own and I said I�d get a lift back with someone else. So he left and I walked back into the locker room to see if there was actually anyone there or if I was gonna have to call a cab.

Kurt was there, sitting on a bench, pulling on his sneakers. I was just about to ask him if he�d mind giving me a ride back when he looked up and I froze. The look on his face was just� I knew exactly what he wanted and I knew I wouldn�t be able to say no. Kurt was giving me that exact same look I always saw him giving Hunter. Three seconds later he�d got me pinned to the wall and he was kissing me hard. A thought of Jeff flashed through my head for a second, but then I was kissing back and that was it. There was no turning back.

I couldn�t think as we grabbed our stuff and practically ran out to Kurt�s car, but if I could have then I know what I would�ve been thinking. Not how wrong it was, not that I should stop, not that I�d be betraying my lover, but I would�ve been thinking how long I�d waited for it to happened, how long I�d wondered what it would be like with Kurt. I wanted him. I had done for months. He was a great guy, while Hunter was out he�d been a great friend, and most of the time I had a hard time keeping my eyes off him. I honestly thought that if I hadn�t been with Jeff and if he hadn�t been with Hunter then we might�ve made a good couple. I thought maybe I was falling for him. And I couldn�t believe he actually wanted me too.

We didn�t wait to get back to the hotel. He opened the car door and I know somewhere in the back of my mind it must�ve registered that it was Hunter�s car and we were in Hunter�s hometown but I was too far gone to really care. He was kissing me and that was all that mattered. We were tearing off each other�s clothes, he was on top of me, then he was inside me and it was amazing. It wasn�t slow and it wasn�t gentle and it hurt, but it was good. It was never that way with Jeff. Even when we were fucking and we weren�t making love, it was never like that with Jeff. We still had tenderness. That night it was just instinct, I swear. It was brutal and hard and it was fucking amazing.

Then we were lying together, all tangled up in clothes and arms and legs in the back of Hunter�s huge-ass SUV, and we heard a noise. It was kinda muffled and low, and for a start we weren�t even sure we�d heard anything, but then we heard it again, louder, closer, less muffled. Kurt sat up and pulled me with him, wiping the window and peering out. There was no way I expected to see what we saw.

I guess I�d been expecting a security guard or the police or Hunter or Jeff, or even kids or fans or whatever, but it wasn�t any of those. It was a fucking huge guy beating the hell out of someone. There was this smaller guy lying on the ground, and the other guy was really laying into him. Then the big guy moved and we saw who it was. Matt Hardy was lying there sobbing on the asphalt.

The big guy I didn�t recognise, but he yanked down Matt�s pants and the next thing I knew we were witnesses to a rape. Matt cried right the way through it and we just sat there, frozen in place. I couldn�t move. I wanted to, I really did � I wanted to jump out of that fucking car and beat the living shit out of that guy attacking Matt. I wanted to drag Kurt with me and pound the fucker right into the ground. But we didn�t do anything. We just sat there and watched it happen, Kurt�s hand covering my mouth. I knew what he was thinking. If we got involved then we�d get found out.

We watched as the guy beat and raped my lover�s brother, watched as he ran away and left him bleeding in the parking lot. We sat and watched Matt drag himself to his feet and eventually walk away. Then we drove back to the hotel in silence, left each other in the garage, and I spent ten minutes throwing up in my en-suite bathroom while the brother of the guy I�d just watched be beaten and raped held my hair back.

That�s why Matt killed himself. Amy had nothing to do with it.

***

I was going to tell Jeff what had happened that weekend in Florida. I was going to sit him down and tell him I�d cheated on him and that I�d seen Matt being raped in the arena parking lot. It would�ve killed him but I knew he needed to know. Then the phone rang and we found out Matt had overdosed and was lying dead in a hospital in Texas. So I didn�t tell him. He needed me to get through it and I didn�t want to take that away from him.

I was with him through every second of the arrangements, all the time telling myself that as soon as the funeral was over I had to tell him. Then I�d have to make sure Vince persuaded him to get some counselling. But that never happened. Five months on and that�s never happened. All because of what happened that day at the funeral.

We stood at Matt�s graveside, Jeff in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder, and I looked out over the casket. Kurt was standing there opposite me, Hunter behind him, his arms folded around him. Kurt met my eyes and he smiled, then he turned his head and Hunter kissed him. That was when I knew I could never tell. Because there was no way Kurt would ever admit it. He�d never jeopardise what he had with Hunter over anything, even Matt�s death.

I�d thought there was some kind of emotion involved that night, that maybe Kurt was having problems with Hunter like I was with Jeff. I thought maybe he felt like I did, that just maybe we could�ve ended up together. Up to that moment I honestly believed that something more could have happened between us. But right then I knew how wrong I was. Kurt�s never going to leave Hunter. Hunter�s never going to leave Hunter. They�re in love. Kurt was just bored waiting around for Hunter�s quad to heal and he got me to fill a little of his time. There was never any more in it for him than that. That�s why he didn�t get out of the car and why he didn�t help Matt. He didn�t want to be found out because he didn�t want to lose Hunter. Ultimately Matt died because of that. Matt died because we didn�t want anyone to find out we�d been cheating.

I can�t tell Jeff now. What�s the point? There�s no way the guy�s ever going to be convicted on my word against his, and that�s assuming I could even identify him. Kurt would never admit what happened. There�s no point to it. And I know how much it would�ve embarrassed Matt. He killed himself because he couldn�t live knowing what had happened to him. Terminally straight semi-homophobic Matt Hardy was raped. I can�t even begin to imagine what that must have been like for him. He�d turn in his grave if he even suspected anyone knew. So I can�t tell.

But there�s no way I can live knowing I could�ve stopped all this. So what do I do?

Easy. I die.

***

I love Jeff. It took a one night stand that should never have happened to make me see that, but I do. I never want to see him hurt, and really all I�m doing by sticking around is hurting him. I can�t stand to see that day by day, knowing he�ll never trust me again, that I don�t deserve him to love me because I killed his brother. If I�d had the guts to get out of that car and do what I know I should have done, Matt would still be alive. But no, I was more concerned with Jeff not finding out I�d cheated on him to care about Matt. Don�t I deserve to die for that, for what I put Matt through, and Jeff, and everyone else?

I can�t go on like this. I�ve fucked up Matt�s life and I�m fucking up Jeff�s life and all because I was unfaithful to the one person I�ve loved more than anyone else. I�m making Jeff miserable. I�m miserable myself. I�m just so guilty. All those pills weren�t Matt�s. Remember, the pills he overdosed on? The name on the bottle was J.N. Hardy. They were Jeff�s. That�s what I drove him to. That�s what I�m still driving him to. He�s such an amazing person, and I�ve just crushed him.

So maybe I�ll go out like Matt did. I should just feel drowsy and numb, fall asleep and never wake up. Because there�s nothing I can do to make this any better, for either of us. Because if there�s one thing I�ve learned over these past five months, it�s this. This is why I have to do it. In the end this is for the best.

Because I can�t win. Because there is no winning. There are only degrees of loss.

***
End
***