Title: Star-Cross�d
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: R
Content: Language, m/m, a little drinking, and mention of character death.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless by some bizarre accident of nature I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form.
Distribution: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Jeff�s in jail. Raven�s trying to figure out exactly what got him there.
Notes: This is what you get when your feed your Jeff-muse after midnight. And yes, the title�s from that oh-so-well-known quote from William Shakespeare�s Romeo and Juliet, �a pair of star-cross�d lovers take their life�. You�ll see what I mean.

***
Star-Cross�d
***

�I guess you want to know why I did it. I don�t blame you either � I mean, it�s a fairly interesting story. Fairly. Most people think it�s kinda gruesome, but then again I guess it is. After all, I killed my brother. I killed him. With a huge kitchen knife and a hell of a lot of intent. I just never told anyone why I did it. I wanted to tell you first�.

***

I bailed out of wrestling when Jeff Hardy was arrested. I�m not saying it was the same day or the same week or even the same month, �cause it wasn�t. I�m not even going to say that me leaving my job was a direct consequence of him being arrested, because it wasn�t. At least not entirely.

I told myself I just needed a change. Sure, so I�d dedicated my life so far to wrestling and the wrestling business, but that just didn�t seem to figure in my decision to go. I wanted something new, a different kind of challenge. So I made some enquiries, secured a new position, then quit my job. And became a journalist.

It was a gamble. Wrestling was all I was really sure I could do, and I�d just quit to take up something I�d never even really considered before. Yeah, it was a gamble. But considering I was working for a new pro wrestling magazine, it wasn�t like I�d just sold up and decided to start ostrich farming or taken up a job selling vacuum cleaners door to door. And I figured if I was a complete failure I�d just go back to wrestling. Maybe I�d never make it back to the top, but there�d always be someone who�d employ me if only because of my reputation. I was Raven after all, practically a legend in some fields.

But the gamble paid off. In our third month we already had enough subscriptions to balance the books and it looked like everything was gonna work out. My column was a hit and I was sent all over the country attending shows. It was great. I was having a great time and getting paid for doing something I really loved.

Okay so everywhere I went people asked me if I missed being in the ring. At first I didn�t really know what to tell them, because I didn�t really know if I did or not. I don�t think I�d really been gone long enough to miss it. But then I started to realise, I did miss it. Of course I did. Wrestling had been my entire life and suddenly the closest I got was the audience and the occasional interview. Hell yeah I missed it. Bad. But not bad enough to want to go back. So that�s what I told people. �Yeah, I miss it. But not enough to go back�.

And there was all this controversy about why I�d left in the first place. Actually, I think it was more to do with the fact that I left about a month after Jeff was arrested and was it anything to do with that? Was I not going back because I�d be reminded of him? Did I know anything about what had happened? For some reason in some circles this is considered an important topic of conversation. Why, I�ll never understand. But for some people it�s deathly important. I left because I left and why should everyone know my reasons? Does it really matter why I don�t want to go back to the World Wrestling Federation? Why?

Which is what I thought when I was asked to write a feature for the magazine. I understood that they were asking me because I�d been there at the time, because I�d actually been a wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation, but I always knew there was a little more to it. The editor was a total fanboy, which in some ways was a good thing because most of the time I could get away with murder and ask for things he wouldn�t even think about giving to the other staff, but right then it felt like a certain death sentence. Because the real reason he gave me the assignment was to find out what went on from my perspective. How could he ever expect me to be completely impartial when I was there? Easy, he couldn�t. He didn�t want me to be. He wanted to know why I quit and what happened to make me never want to set foot in a WWF ring again as long as I live.

But I didn�t want to do it. He said he couldn�t make me but I knew he could. The implication was that he�d find a way to push me out if I didn�t take the assignment, and by then I already loved my new career. New. Strange word to describe it when I�d already been doing it for five years. And that was why they were doing the assignment. Because it was five years on. Five years after I�d left the Federation. And five years after Jeff Hardy had been arrested for the murder of his brother Matt.

***

I didn�t want to have to think back. I�d gone a while without thinking about Matt and Jeff, and I didn�t want to be forced to go back to that time, remember what happened. I knew it wouldn�t be hard to remember, and that was the problem. But really, once the assignment had been mentioned, I started thinking. I couldn�t say no. I�d already decided I�d do it without knowing it. I think maybe I had to.

Preliminary research wasn�t a problem � I had tapes from back then, I had photos and magazines and newspapers and everything all packed away in the back of the closet because I�d saved them all at the time. I guess on some level I always knew I was going to have to go back to it. And when I phoned the Federation I found there were still people in admin who remembered me. They told me to come along to the show when they were in town � the huge coincidence being that SmackDown was taping in New York three days later. So I barely had time to gather my thoughts before I was making my way backstage at the Garden.

The crew were surprisingly friendly, saying hi and pointing me in the right direction. So there I was, just me and this ludicrously huge camera and a notebook and pen and tape recorder, winding my way through the labyrinthine corridors of Madison Square Garden, trying to find someone who�d been around five years before. I was seeing the new stars, the ones who�d come along after I�d left and just before, exchanging polite greetings and compliments on our respective work. I guess some of them really were just being polite but there�s always an element of brown-nosing, trying to get me to put in a good word. Unless they�re past that point or their ego�s super-inflated, in which case some of them just talk to me to point out how much superior they are to me. I get revenge in my column. Hardly mature, but effective.

I couldn�t find anyone. Not anyone I was particularly interested in talking to, anyway. Lance was hanging around with Jericho and Benoit � I actually ducked into a dressing room to avoid them. Obviously not realising whose room it was because I wouldn�t have bothered. I may not have wanted to talk to Lance or Chris or Chris, but I wanted to talk to him even less.

�Raven�, he said, standing somewhere behind me, making me jump. I turned around and winced. �What are you doing here?�

�Writing an article�, I told him. �Sorry, didn�t realise this was your room�.

He shrugged, huge shoulders heaving. If I hadn�t known better I would�ve said he�d gotten bigger since I�d left. But I knew it was just that I hadn�t seen him in so long I�d forgotten how huge he�d been. �No problem. I guess you were avoiding the amazing Canadian threesome out there. Stay as long as you want�.

I nodded and took a seat on the couch, and I�d almost fooled myself this was going to be okay after all. It wasn�t so bad seeing Hunter again. At least not that second. Because the next he was asking the question I�d really hoped wouldn�t come up at all.

�So, what�s the article?� he asked, looking right at me. I just felt like I wanted to melt into the couch, but I knew I was going to have to answer.

�Jeff�, I said, not even sure why I was telling the truth. �It�s about Jeff, Hunter�.

He looked down and nodded slowly. �So I guess you�d like to know about Matt�, he said.

***

I hadn�t expected it to be that simple. I thought I�d be wandering around backstage all night not being able to find a single guy who�d talk to me about Jeff or what happened, and I�d thought I�d avoid Hunter like the plague. But that�s not the way it happened. Because in the end the only person I really talked to was Hunter, and he told me so much, stuff that I hadn�t known and I�d thought I�d known just about the whole story. It turned out what I knew was just a small part.

The article I was assigned to was on Jeff Hardy, his career and his life. That was what I was told to write about. Except I knew what I was supposed to write about was the end of his career and the end of his brother�s life. The article was about Jeff in principle but there was another side to his story � that would be his brother�s, the man he murdered. And no one knew Matt Hardy better than Hunter. After Jeff, anyway. So after the show, Hunter told me about Matt.

We went back to his hotel room and as he opened up a bottle of bourbon he started talking.

�You know I didn�t really know Jeff�, he said, pouring his first glass. I nodded; he offered me a glass and I shook my head. �The brother I knew was Matt. I�m not going to be coy about it; everyone knew we were sleeping together. We had been for one year four days the day he� died. Don�t look so shocked. Jeff must�ve told you we were together. It wasn�t just some kind of, of, *fling*, either. We were serious. I was in love with him.

�But that doesn�t mean I ever believed he was in love with me. At least not the way I was with him. Whenever I said it he�d go quiet like he didn�t know what he was supposed to say. It was like he was trying to decide whether to say it back or to say he was sorry and just walk out. Only he never walked out. I think he would�ve stayed with me forever. I don�t know whether that�s my vanity or the truth.

�I�ll admit he was acting strange for a couple of days before it happened. Maybe he knew what was going to happen, but if he did then he didn�t tell me. I tried to make him tell me, but I think you know how he was whenever anyone tried to make him do anything. He accused me of trying to run his life for him and stormed out the room. I think it was when I got too close that he did that, when I tried to ask him about how he felt, or about Jeff.

�There was always something a little off about the relationship he had with his brother. I don�t know if you noticed, because before you were around they�d stopped spending every waking second of every single day together. That kinda freaked me out when I first met them, �cause it wasn�t like they were the scared new guys. They�d been in the business awhile and they knew what they were doing, but still they were clinging to each other like their lives depended on it. I never quite figured that out until a few weeks before Matt died.

�I know you�re going to ask what I mean by acting strange and what it was I figured out. Okay. Well, he was different those last few days. He seemed nervous. You�d know if Matt was nervous because he wasn�t a nervous person. He was always confident, so when he got jumpy and irritable and restless it was just so unlike him that I knew something had to be wrong. And he�d been spending a lot of time talking on the phone and out with Jeff. It was like they were going back to the way they used to be, back when they were practically inseparable. Except he had me and I was stopping him from going back the whole way. He couldn�t because I wouldn�t let him. But he would have if I hadn�t been there and I don�t doubt that for a second.

�You see, there was something strange about Matt and Jeff. I don�t know if you ever noticed but there was. Something not quite right. You know, every time Jeff said jump, Matt said how high. He just went running to him every time he called. Don�t you think there was something wrong with that? It didn�t matter what he was doing or what I said to him, he always had to go to him. I used to think it was because Jeff was his little brother and he felt like he had to look after him, but it wasn�t. Well, not entirely.

�He was in love with him. This isn�t a joke. Matt was in love with him. That was why he couldn�t tell me he loved me, because he was in love with Jeff. Completely. He would�ve done anything for him, I don�t doubt it. Great, right. My lover was in love with his brother. How fucked up is that? I�ve had time to get used to it, but then it was fucking ugly. Don�t ask how I found out, �cause I don�t think I ever actually found out, I just knew. It was the way they were around each other. I asked Matt about it and he just blanked me. Three days later he was dead and Jeff was arrested for his murder.

�Everyone knows Jeff did it. Don�t tell me you don�t think he did because you know he did better than anyone. He killed Matt. I think he found out how Matt felt about him and killed him because of it. Tell me you think it was anything else�.

He took a long drink from his full glass and looked at me over the rim. And I didn�t know what to say. I don�t think he really expected me to say anything, but it kinda felt like I should. He looked terrible. But all I could think of to say was �I�m sorry�.

He smirked. Then he smiled. I don�t think I�d ever really seen Hunter smile before then, but he was smiling. He nodded, lifted his glass one more time then set it down on the table.

�Yeah, I�m sorry too�, he said.

�I think I should go�.

�Don�t. Have a drink. Tell me about Jeff�.

�I don�t think I can�.

�Oh you can�t?�

I shook my head. �No, not right now. I�ll call you. I�ll send you a copy of the article�.

�I read the magazine, Raven. Don�t bother yourself calling. I get it, you wanted this for the article and now you want out of this conversation. So go�.

He picked up the glass again and I sighed, running a hand through my hair. It was getting complicated. I took the bottle and poured myself a glass. I didn�t leave that night.

***

Waking up in bed with my ex-lover�s brother�s ex-lover was a weird experience. Especially as for at least five minutes I couldn�t for the life of me remember how I got there. I was just lying there wondering where the hell I was and what I was doing there, and why I was lying next to the sleeping form of Hunter Hearst Helmsley. And even when I�d remembered why I was there, remembered the first and last glass of bourbon and the second bottle, I couldn�t for the life of me say why I was in bed with Hunter.

I was so incredibly hung over. My head was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up but fortunately I didn�t. I just lay there feeling like hell, wondering why I was in bed with a man I hardly knew and wasn�t even remotely attracted to. I didn�t even know if we�d slept together, but considering we were both naked, that made sense.

Actually, to this day I don�t know what happened that night. Neither of us is especially sure how we ended up naked in his bed, and we�ve tried not to dwell on it. Besides, if we didn�t sleep together that first night then we made up for it the next. God knows how that happened because I sincerely wasn�t attracted to him and I can�t see how he could�ve been attracted to me. But after spending the day lying in bed together too hung over to move, it seemed like a good idea.

I really think it might�ve been Hunter�s way of getting me to tell him what I knew about Jeff, but all he needed to do was ask. I mightn�t have been terribly receptive the first time he asked, but that was before I�d spent the day in his bed, and been convinced that he really did want to know. The night before I�d thought he was just asking because he thought he should. It turned out he wasn�t. So I told him everything I knew.

I left the morning after and I was pretty sure I was never going to see him again. But he turned up at my apartment after the next taping and we�ve kept in touch ever since. So I guess at least one good thing came out of this. Because nothing else about it was good. Especially not what I knew I had to do next.

***

I have no idea why he agreed to see me, or why they agreed to let me see him. I have no idea why I�d decided it was a good idea to put myself through seeing him, because I didn�t have to. The magazine didn�t expect me to go that far. They were just interested in getting my take on the whole thing, not in his. They hadn�t even expected me to go to the WWF asking questions, so I�d gone above and beyond just by doing that.

Not to mention when I spent three days tracking down Shane Helms and Shannon Moore. They were hard to find. Shane used to be easy to find thanks to his addiction to putting his whole life online for anyone to see, but he�d stopped that after Matt�s death. He quit a month or so after I did, and I never really heard anything about him again. Him or his lover, Shannon. It took an incredible amount of persistence and a whole hell of a lot of charm to even come close to finding them. In the end I had to resort to phoning the Federation again, ringing round, talking to individual tiny promotions and eventually talking to Lance and Billy Kidman to see if anyone had heard anything. I followed up on a lead I got from Billy from Evan Karagias, and a day of phoning around after that, I�d tracked them down to small town North Carolina where Shane owned a comic book store.

I called Shane. He obviously wasn�t expecting my call; it took him about ten minutes of chatter after I�d told him I was Scott Levy with the oh-so-creatively-named American Wrestling Monthly for it to click who I was. Then when I mentioned Jeff he kinda clammed up and handed me over to Shannon.

Really they�d just been trying to forget what had happened, and they weren�t all too grateful to me for digging it all back up again. I couldn�t say I blamed them. But in the end we talked for about an hour about it all. They couldn�t tell me anything I didn�t already know, but it was another perspective. And I promised to put in a plug for their store in the article when I mentioned their names. It wasn�t the easiest thing I�d ever done to get in touch with them, but at least it hadn�t been too big a waste of time.

Tracking down Edge and Christian wasn�t a problem. I knew exactly where to find them - they were both still with the WWF � but actually getting them to talk to me proved a little more difficult. In the end I had to fly down to Atlanta for a show and bug them backstage. And it was actually Hunter who persuaded them to talk. I guess they figured if Hunter didn�t mind talking to me then they shouldn�t either. So we sat down with a few drinks and my tape recorder and talked about the Hardys.

Talking to Shane and Shannon and Edge and Christian wasn�t easy. Not by a long shot. In all the time I�ve been in this job, those were the hardest interviews I�ve done. Because they were interviews, despite the fact they felt more like conversations. They were necessary more than wanted. But really the awkwardness involved in those interviews was nothing compared to the last person I talked to.

***

I was escorted to the room but the guard stayed behind at the door and locked me inside with him. He was sitting at the table in the centre of the room in prison overalls, arms folded in front of him on the tabletop, staring at the wall in front of him. He didn�t even look up as I walked over.

�I bet they told me not to touch me�, he said as I sat down.

I nodded. �They think you�re dangerous�.

�What do you think?�

�I don�t think you�d hurt anyone�.

�But I hurt Matt�.

�I know�.

�But you don�t think I�d hurt you�.

�Well, I�m not Matt�.

I looked into his eyes and he smiled. �No, Scotty, you�re not�.

The guard at the other side of the room flinched slightly and I could tell he was thinking �they know each other?� like I was about to pull a gun and break Jeff out.

�Yeah, I think you jus freaked out Guard Fletcher�, Jeff said with a small smile. �Aren�t you going to turn your tape recorder on?� I fished in my bag and pulled out the recorder, setting it on the table. �They told me why you�re here. You�re writing an article on me. I didn�t know you�d quit wrestling. I�m sorry about that. I thought you loved it too much to quit. So you�ve talked to Hunter?� I nodded. �So you have some idea of what happened then. Well, at least about how Matt felt about me. He did tell you that, right?� I nodded again, almost unable to meet his eyes. �Good. But you still don�t know exactly what happened. So maybe I should enlighten you. After all, that�s why you�re here.

�Don�t worry, I�m not mad. I didn�t think you�d ever come to visit me. I tried to convince myself that you would in the beginning, but I never really believed it. And I�m kind of glad you didn�t. Actually, you�re the first visitor I�ve ever had. The first one I�ve agreed to see, anyway. There�s always someone wants to see me. I think it�s morbid fascination. I say no�.

�But you agreed to see me?�

�Yeah. I thought I owed you that much�.

�Jeff, you don�t owe me anything�.

He shrugged, and I think it was then I noticed he�d changed. I don�t know how I�d expected him to be exactly the same as the last time I�d seen him, because God knows I�d changed. But Jeff had changed more. But it wasn�t that he looked older, like I did. He looked like he�d been frozen at twenty-four, even though he was almost thirty then. He was just thinner, a little more muscular, a little paler� and his face, he was all angles. He looked strange with short hair. And it was his natural blonde for the first time since I�d known him. It was short and blonde and stuck up in small spikes. If anything he looked younger.

�It just feels like I do�.

�You never owed me anything�.

�I know�. He sighed and ran one familiar hand back through his unfamiliar hair. I smiled. I�d missed him and it surprised me. I didn�t think I�d missed him �til then.

�I guess you want to know why I did it�, he said, stretching then looking back at me. �I don�t blame you either � I mean, it�s a fairly interesting story. Fairly. Most people think it�s kinda gruesome, but then again I guess it is. After all, I killed my brother. I killed him. With a huge kitchen knife and a hell of a lot of intent. I just never told anyone why I did it. I wanted to tell you first. Everyone else just thinks I did it because I felt like it, or in Hunter�s case because Matt told me he loved me. You know that�s wrong, though. I know you do.

��Cause I remember the night I told you I was in love with him. Why would I kill him for telling me he loved me if I loved him too? Doesn�t make sense, does it. It shouldn�t, because that�s not why I killed him. I don�t care what everyone else thinks, but I�ve had five years to think about this and I�d like you to know why I did it. Maybe you could tell Hunter, too. I think he should know.

�I was in love with Matt and Matt was in love with me, you know that now. But what you don�t know is that we both knew. We had done for years. We didn�t need to tell each other, we just knew. It was just one of those things between us that was understood and didn�t need to be said. I think we always knew, right from before we came to the Federation and met either of you. That�s why we could never tell either of you we loved you. It wasn�t because we didn�t, �cause we did. I know Matt loved Hunter and God knows I loved you. It�s just that we loved each other more. And we would never have stayed with either of you.

�I�d been sleeping with Matt for years. I know you think it�s weird but really when you think about it, it makes sense. I loved him and that was just an expression of it. I know you�re gonna think it was wrong for us to be together, but it wasn�t. I don�t know how to explain it. Yeah so he was my brother but I loved him more than I�ve ever loved anyone. We just wanted to be as close mentally and physically as we possibly could. And we were. For years. Even when we were with you and Hunter. You wondered where I went when I wasn�t with you � well, I was with Matt.

�We were trying to pretend we could live without each other. We thought that if we got real lovers we could forget how we felt about each other, but it didn�t work. We kept going back to each other. And when we found the two of you we thought maybe it would work out, but it still didn�t. We wanted it to. We always knew we could never be together the way we wanted because of what everyone would think of us, and we were always trying to forget. But how do you forget when you�re in love with someone? I don�t think you can. I don�t think we ever could have. I�m sorry you got caught up in that.

�So maybe we would�ve left you and Hunter. Maybe we wouldn�t have and we�d still be with you now. But it wasn�t because we were leaving you that I killed him. That would be such a petty reason.

�A long time ago we decided how it was going to be. I think I was about nineteen when we sat down and thought it all out, and we hoped it would never come down to it, but I think even then I knew it would. I hoped it wouldn�t because I knew how it would have to be. You see, Matt could never have hurt me. Or himself. So it was always going to have to be me, and I didn�t know if I could go through with it.

�We thought it was going to be okay when Matt met Hunter. I was happy for him, really I was. Sure I was jealous too, but I was happy for him and I was happy for me. I could see Hunter was perfect for him and I thought maybe he�d be able to forget me. We started spending less and less time together until we only saw each other for shows. And it was okay. I missed him and I don�t doubt he missed me too, but it was okay. I thought it would be okay. Then I met you and I was sure it was going to be okay. Matt had Hunter and I had you and everything was perfect. At least I thought it was. I�d convinced myself it was.

�It�s not your fault. You didn�t do anything wrong. It�s just that there was always one problem with me being with you, and it�s not your fault either. You see, you�re just not Matt. And Hunter�s just not me. Matt phoned me one night, that night I told you, and told me Hunter had found out about us. I told you and I left, to go see him. We were together that night. He made love to me and I told him it was going to be okay.

�And I know what you�re thinking � we were together another month after that. We were trying to pretend it didn�t matter that you both knew how we felt about each other. It was okay because you only knew about me and Hunter only knew about Matt, neither of you knew what was really going on. But I was so scared you�d find out, and so was Matt. Really it was only a matter of time, because we were together so much. Sometimes we were so scared that we just couldn�t let go of each other and we�d lie there clinging on for dear life. Except we already knew what was going to have to happen.

�It was Matt who called me that night, told me he needed to see me. He brought the knife. He handed it to me and told me we had to do it. I knew he was right. So we made love one last time, we kissed, we just held each other, and then he looked into my eyes and I knew it was time. I took the knife and I slit his wrists. He frowned and swallowed hard, then he looked up at me and told me he loved me, that he�d love me forever. I told him I loved him too, and I held him as he died. I knelt in his blood as he died, felt his heartbeat getting fainter and fainter, and I was just whispering �I love you, Matt� over and over as I stroked his hair and felt him getting cold. I kissed him as he died. Then I cried. Because I knew I�d just killed my brother, the one person in the world I�d ever loved like that, so much it hurt.

�And I was supposed to be next. Only obviously it didn�t quite work out that way.

�It wasn�t just some kind of whim that I killed him, you see. We�d decided years before, because we always knew we weren�t going to be able to be a real couple. We tried to pretend we didn�t need each other but we did. We couldn�t live without each other, and if anyone had found out what was happening between us we could never have been together again. So we decided to kill ourselves. It wasn�t me who decided we both had to die. It wasn�t really Matt either, it was both of us. We knew what we were getting ourselves into. It wasn�t really murder, it was assisted suicide. Of course I never told anyone that. Matt wanted me to kill him. He never said no and he never tried to stop me. In fact, he asked me to do it because he knew he couldn�t do it himself, and because I loved him I did it. I don�t know if that makes any sense to you, but I loved him so much I couldn�t deny him anything, ever. Not even that. We were killing ourselves so we�d never have to be apart.

�And I tried to kill myself after I�d killed Matt. I took the knife and I slit my wrists. I�ve still got the scars. I don�t think they�re ever going to go away. But someone came in and found me before I could die. And I lived. But I�d killed Matt so I ended up here, locked away for the rest of my life, without him. For the rest of the life I wasn�t supposed to be living without him. And it hurts.

�I have to live knowing I killed my brother. But I�m almost happy for him because he never had to live without me. I just hate that I�m here living when he�s dead because we were never supposed to be apart. Only the few minutes it was supposed to take for me to die. That was supposed to be it. But it didn�t happen that way. You weren�t supposed to find me. I wish you�d let me die, Scotty. You should�ve let me die. But I don�t blame you. You didn�t understand. You loved me and you didn�t want me to die even if I�d killed Matt. Not that you knew that�s what I�d done then.

�So anyway, now you know�.

***

Five years ago, I was in love with Jeff Hardy. I�d been in love maybe three times in my life before I met him, and none of the others were anything like him. I think he truly was the love of my life, and I will never get over him. Especially not after what happened.

You see, after months of us being together and me wondering what the hell I was doing putting more into a relationship than I was getting out, wondering if he was cheating on me, wondering how I could be in love with someone who obviously didn�t love me the same way, I walked into our hotel room and found him dying on the floor. I didn�t even see Matt I was so scared for Jeff. I tied his wrists with strips of the blanket then called for an ambulance. He lived. He wasn�t supposed to.

I never told anyone about it, other than the police. I didn�t talk about what happened with anyone. I�d talk about Jeff, about how I�d loved him and about our relationship, but I never talked about what happened that night. At least not until I talked to Hunter. Because he was the only person who stood a chance of understanding. He�d been in love with my lover�s brother, the guy my lover had murdered. I told him everything I knew, everything I�d seen. And I held Hunter as he cried over Matt, five years after his death.

Jeff folded his arms in front of him as he finished telling the story. I could see there were tears in his eyes and I didn�t have to wonder who they were for. They were for Matt. His brother, his lover, the man he�d killed simply so they wouldn�t ever have to be apart. I don�t think he ever really believed I�d understand but I do. I know what it�s like to love someone so much you never want to leave them. Jeff�s one true love with Matt. Mine was Jeff. That�s why I couldn�t let him die even though I could see he wanted to. I just couldn�t sit there and watch the one person I loved in all the world die.

�Do you think you could say something?� he asked, leaning forward slightly, brushing a strand of hair back behind my ear. The guard behind him flinched and so did I. And I just didn�t know what to say. So I leant forward myself and ran my fingers over his cheek, smiling a little as he leant into my touch.

�Don�t you want to talk to me?� he asked. I shook my head. �You don�t? Don�t you have any questions? I thought you�d have about a million�. All I could do was just shake my head again. �But your article��

I smiled, tilting his chin up with my forefinger. I leant over the table and kissed him quickly on the lips before I sat down again and before the guard could complain.

�I didn�t come here to talk to you, Jeff�, I said.

�You didn�t?� He frowned, wrinkling his brow just the way he used to, the way that made him look irresistibly cute.

�No, I didn�t. I don�t want to talk to you. I didn�t want to know about why you did it. I think I�d already pieced most of it together, and I didn�t need you to fill in the blanks. The blanks didn�t bother me. I was never going to print your version of the story anyway�.

�So why are you here?�

�I just wanted to see you one last time, say goodbye. I don�t think I ever did that. You know, the article was printed three days ago. I didn�t say anything about the murder. I think my editor wants to fire me. I don�t think I�ve ever been so impartial in my life. I really just wanted to see you and this was the only way I could do it without you being behind glass�.

�You didn�t want to know?�

�No, I just wanted to see you. I didn�t even need you to talk. I just wanted to look at you, just wanted one moment, one perfect moment that I can remember. I just wanted one memory of you to last me the rest of my life, to replace the one I have of you lying bleeding in my arms that night with your dead brother three feet away across the room. You�re still beautiful, you know. And I still love you. But I�m ready to move on now�.

He smiled. �I�m glad. You deserve that�.

�I�ve spent five years trying to forget you when I didn�t really want to. I still don�t. I just want to move on now. I might come back and see you sometime, if you�d like that. I think Hunter might like to see you, if you�ll see him�.

�Of course�.

�Then I�ll see you around, Jeff�. I stood, and so did he. And he leant across the table, pulled me to him by my shoulders, and kissed me, one last time. One last kiss from my one true love.

�I�ve missed you�.

�I�ve missed you too, Jeff. I�m sorry I saved you. That was selfish. You always belonged with Matt�.

He nodded slowly. �I know I did�, he said. �I always will. It was nice to see you�.

And I left the room.

***

I walked out of the jail and out to my car, slipped into the driver�s side. Hunter�s hand closed over mine on the steering wheel.

�Jeff says hi�, I told him.

He smiled. �I love you, you know�, he said.

�Love you too�, I told him with a kiss. And we drove away. I�d said my goodbyes, as Hunter had said his five years before at Matt�s funeral. I was finally free. I knew why he�d done it once and for all. I knew I could live without him now. And I knew I could love again.

And I don�t know, maybe one true love in life isn�t all you get after all. Maybe for Matt and Jeff, but not for us.

***
End
***