I�d never been in love before I met Jeff Hardy. And I don�t have a problem admitting that before I met him I didn�t even believe that I was capable of love. I wasn�t even sure that love really existed, because I thought then and I think now that most people convince themselves that they�re in love rather than actually feeling it. I think they need to so that their life�s just a little easier to bear. And sometimes when a person thinks they�re in love it�s just lust. But there�s a difference, I know. I think most times people think they�re in love it�s just lust. And before all this, that�s what I believed explained love. Lust and wishful thinking.

But now I know different. Love exists. For some people it just takes a little more to make them believe. In my case I�d lived over thirty years thinking it was a figment of people�s collective imagination, then wham, one day I walked into a room and just like that my opinion changed. I fell in love at first sight.

He wasn�t my type. He was too young and too thin and his hair was dyed an odd colour. But really he was my type. Underneath all that, underneath the looks and the faded black denim cutoffs and the Pearl Jam t-shirt, he was exactly what I�d always been looking for. I think that was both the best and the worst moment of my life together at the exact same instant, because knowing him has changed me forever. I�m not even sure I recognise myself anymore.

***

It was probably a really fucking stupid idea to jump into something like this so soon after my last real relationship � I mean, Kurt hurt me. Kurt hurt me worse that I want to have to admit. I thought I was never going to get better than him, that maybe he was as close as I was ever going to get to love. And I liked being with him. We actually were good together. And I know he loved me. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him and I know I could�ve been happy with him, just the two of us, Hunter and Kurt. But I guess that wasn�t meant to be. I broke his heart doing what I thought we both wanted. And he hurt me. He left me.

So maybe it wasn�t such a hot idea to get involved with Jeff right then. I was still getting over Kurt, and what Kurt did to me. I guess though I don�t want to admit it, I was vulnerable. I was at my weakest. Kurt had just torn me apart and walked away, and the first thing I did was fall head over heels for someone else. The Anti-Kurt.

After I got over the shock of what I was feeling, that�s what I tried to put it down to. I tried to convince myself that I only thought I was in love, that what I was feeling for Jeff was only in my head and I�d picked him because he was everything Kurt wasn�t.

And Jeff really is different from Kurt. One, he�s a hell of a lot younger; two, I don�t think Kurt would be caught dead in a mesh shirt or listening to Pearl Jam; three, the day Kurt dyes his hair purple is the day I sign up with the National Ballet � I could go on all day. They�re nothing alike, unless you count the fact they�re both professional wrestlers, and aside from that they�re as different as it gets. I really wanted to believe that was the reason I wanted Jeff. I wanted to believe it was because he was as far from Kurt as I could possibly get.

There was just one problem with that; it worked great in theory but the moment I saw Jeff I knew it just sucked in practice. I was in love with him. And it wasn�t for all those little surface things that told me he wasn�t Kurt. It was for all the things I saw inside of him. It was for everything Kurt didn�t have that Jeff did. It was for the ways he was the same as me. Because he is, he really is. We�re just the same. Only I didn�t want to believe that, either. I didn�t believe in love, remember. So I tried to convince myself that I didn�t really feel what I felt. I tried to believe it was lust and wishful thinking.

For a while that worked. For a while I almost believed I didn�t love Jeff. I didn�t want to be in love with him, because that would mean I�d been wrong my whole life, that I�d believed something so strongly but it just wasn�t true. But then I realised something. What did it matter if I�d been wrong? It didn�t. Because if falling in love for the first time meant proving myself wrong then wasn�t it worth it? All I had to do was think about how happy Jeff could make me and how happy I wanted to make him, and I knew it was.

So we got together, and he really did make me happy. For a while at least. But then I looked at him one day as I was hitting him and I suddenly understood how he felt about me. You see, right up until then I�d thought he felt the same way about me, but suddenly everything was clear. He hated me. I could see it.

I�d thought he felt just the same way about me as I did about him, but I was completely fucking wrong. It seemed like he loved me, that�s what had me fooled. He acted like he did. He kissed me and held me and smiled at me like he did. When I made love to him it felt like he loved me too. It felt like we belonged together, and I know he felt it too. I thought he understood why I did the things I did and let me do them because he loved me back. But I was wrong. Back then I was so wrong.

***

I didn�t mean to hurt him that night, really I didn�t. All I wanted to do was sit down with him and explain that I needed him more than I�d ever thought possible. I wanted to make sure he wouldn�t leave me, because I was always terrified he would, and he�d been getting more and more distant for weeks. I guess I thought that if I showed him how much he meant to me then he wouldn�t leave. And the plan probably would�ve worked, too. Except I had to go and open my big mouth about his brother, and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Because I ended up beating him half to death.

I don�t really remember how it happened, if I�m honest. One second he was telling me he was in love with his brother and the next I was hitting him. Hard. Not like I�d done before. I mean, I�d hit him hard before, but I wasn�t doing it to hurt him then. That night I was really trying to hurt him. I meant every blow. I wanted to make him suffer. And I did.

I think it was because of what he�d said. It must�ve been, because there was nothing else to make me do it. I think I asked him why he hated me, against my better judgement. It was the one question I�d never wanted to ask him, but in that moment I�d known I needed to. And he killed me with what he said. He said it wasn�t my fault, but that it was. He said that I was fucked up, he said that what I did to him was wrong, that he didn�t want it. But he said he needed it and he hated that he did. He said he hated me because I was perfect for him but I wasn�t the one he was supposed to love. So I think I hit him because of that.

And once I�d started I couldn�t stop. I was hitting him until my hands were bleeding, kicking him, making him bleed. I don�t know if it felt good because I don�t want to remember. All I know is I did it and afterwards I just stepped back and looked down at him as he lay there, bleeding on the carpet there in that hotel room, coughing up blood, his eyes full of tears.

I couldn�t believe what I�d done. I still can�t. I mean, I loved him. I loved him more than anyone or anything before or after, in my entire life. And I�d hurt him. God, I�d hurt him so badly he was coughing up blood for Christ�s sake! I might�ve punctured a lung or something with all the times I�d kicked him or punched him in the chest. I didn�t want to think about what I�d done to him, because I knew it wasn�t right. I shouldn�t have done it.

I looked down at him and I was almost crying. Something inside me had snapped and I�d just beaten the hell out of the man I loved. I looked down at my hands and I couldn�t tell if the blood on them was mine or his. I tried to wipe it off on my jeans but it wouldn�t come off. Then I looked back down at him again. He was on his knees in front of me, bloody and bruised, almost sobbing, and when he said it, his voice was choked and broken.

He said my name. He wiped the tears from his eyes. Then he said �I love you�.

I hadn�t meant to hurt him but I had, and he�d told me he loved me. I didn�t know what to do, so I just ran.

***

I was sobbing by the time I got to the elevator. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could, and I didn�t care where I went. I thought I might get in my car and drive around. I thought I might get in my car and go crash into a tree doing ninety. I started to wonder what it would feel like to die in a car wreck, all the time trying to rub off Jeff�s blood onto my jeans. It was taking the skin off my knuckles but I guess I didn�t care. I�d hurt him and I figured I deserved to hurt too.

And I think I was actually starting to calm down when by the time the elevator hit the lobby. I don�t know how I could and it makes me ill to think that I could ever feel better about that I�d done, but I was feeling calmer, like maybe I wasn�t going to go out to the parking garage, get into my rental and set off to turn myself into human roadkill. But then the doors opened and I couldn�t believe who stepped inside. I felt like I was going to throw up right then and there.

I stepped out into the lobby and Matt Hardy stepped past me. Matt fucking Hardy of all the goddamn people. Jeff�s brother. He was going back to their room. He stepped into the elevator and I heard the doors slide shut. He�d find Jeff just the way I�d left him. Jeff would tell him what I�d done. Matt would probably come looking for me and I wouldn�t try to stop him as he beat me probably ten times worse than I�d beaten his brother. Then I realised that wasn�t really such a bad thing after all. I�d deserve it.

I wasn�t sure whether I wanted to go back to my room or to the hotel bar, so I just stood in the lobby staring at the clock and wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I�d just lost the only man I�d ever loved. I�d just beaten him until he couldn�t stand out of pure jealousy. What the fuck could I do? I�d lost him. It was all my fault. If I hadn�t lost it and started hitting him then we would�ve been okay. Everything would�ve been fine, because he�d said he wasn�t going to leave me. He wasn�t going to tell his brother how he felt and we were going to be together. That should�ve been enough for me. But it wasn�t. I couldn�t stand the thought that I was second best for him, because I loved him so much. I wanted him to feel the same way about me as I did about him, and for some stupid fucking reason I didn�t want to settle for anything less than that.

Strange really, when that night I�d been trying to make sure he never left me despite the fact I knew he hated me and loved his brother. I�d got what I wanted without even having to try, really. He�d told me he wasn�t going to leave me and that was what I�d wanted, because I�d been scared to death that was what he was going to do. But suddenly it hadn�t been enough to know he was going to stay with me, because I knew the reason he hated me was because I wasn�t the person he really wanted to be with. Up until then I�d been able to think that he loved Matt but he wanted to be with me. But that wasn�t the reason at all. He was with me because wanting to be with Matt was fucking him up so damn much he was driven to me.

So there I was standing in the hotel lobby, watching the clock and trying not to notice the people staring at me. I must�ve looked terrible, practically crying my fucking eyes out standing alone in the middle of the fucking lobby, my hair down and hanging around my face, my hands and my jeans covered in blood � I must�ve looked like I�d just fucking killed someone. I�m surprised reception didn�t call the cops, but they didn�t.

I was trying to convince myself that it wasn�t as bad as I thought. But it was. I was trying to convince myself it was all going to be okay, that Jeff was going to take me back in spite of everything I�d just done to him. Because he loved me. But he wouldn�t. He couldn�t. I knew that. It wasn�t right.

But he loved me. He fucking loved me. How could he? How could he say that, just like that, looking up at me after I�d hit him �til he coughed up blood? That wasn�t right. He shouldn�t have loved me. He shouldn�t have said it. It confused me. He�d just told me he hated me � he�d gone into painstaking fucking detail on why he loved me and why he was never going to stop, and then he told me he loved me? What the hell was he thinking? He couldn�t love me, it couldn�t be true.

Except he did love me. He hadn�t been lying. I�d looked into his eyes in the moment he�d said it and through the tears I could see what he was feeling. He�d given up. He�d stopped pretending and he�d stopped trying to deny it and he�d finally realised that this war he was fighting between the two halves of himself was just a fucking waste. Because he loved me. He really did love me. He meant the words when he said them. He told me he loved me, he reached out to me, he�d wanted me to say I was sorry and hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay because I loved him too and we were always going to be together. But what had I done instead? I�d run away.

So I knew what I had to do. I had to go back.

***

But I knew the Matt would be there, and I wasn�t sure I was ready to deal with that. Earlier that night I hadn�t cared whether Matt was there or not when I finally got to talk to Jeff � I�d been waiting in their room for Jeff so that I could talk to him, to make him see that he couldn�t leave me, and I hadn�t cared what I had to do to get to talk to him. I didn�t care if Matt was there or not. It wouldn�t have made the slightest little bit of difference to me, because what I had to say then I really did have to say.

But then, going back to the room, I wasn�t sure I could deal with Matt Hardy. He�d try to throw me out, he�d try to hit me, he�d hate me for what I�d done to his brother and he would�ve had every reason to. I know how I would�ve felt if I�d come back to find Jeff like that, like I�d left him. And I didn�t need to be thrown out of the room before I even got a chance to tell Jeff what I was thinking or feeling. I didn�t need Matt to be there to stop me from talking to him. Except I knew he�d be there and I knew there wouldn�t be a damn thing to stop him, because I knew I�d deserve it and I didn�t want to have to hurt Matt too. Jeff might have been able to forgive me for hurting him, but if I hurt his brother that would be a different story entirely.

The only problem was that I had to go back. I had to see him. I had to make sure that he knew I�d panicked and I hadn�t meant to do what I�d done and I�d never meant to hurt him and that I hadn�t run away because of what he said, it was just because I hated what I�d done. I needed him to understand that. And if after that he still didn�t want to see me, then I�d be able to accept it because I�d know I�d done everything I could to keep him with me despite that big fucking glaring mistake.

I turned around and strode back over to the elevator � I could almost hear the staff at reception breathing a collective sigh of relief that I wasn�t just standing there looking like I�d just killed a man anymore and as I stepped inside that almost made me smile. Almost. I pressed the button for Jeff�s floor. The doors slid shut in front of me and I leant back against the metal wall, forcing myself to breathe deeply. I needed to be calm. I didn�t want to walk in there looking like I�d been crying. Not in front of Matt. It didn�t matter if Jeff thought I�d been crying because he knew I had, but the only way I was going to get into the room was if I intimidated my way past his brother.

The doors opened and I stepped into the corridor. I didn�t want to be there. I didn�t want to have to face either of them. I just wanted everything to be over, or to be able to turn the clock back maybe half an hour so that I could have done it differently. I could�ve not asked him why he hated me. I could�ve not said a word about his brother. And everything could�ve been okay. He would�ve stayed with me and everything would�ve been fine between us because� No.

I had to do it. I was sorry for it and I still am and I know it was wrong, but I had to do it. It was the only way he would ever have realised how he felt. Because before that moment, before the moment he said the words, I don�t think he knew. I think he really did hate me. Hell, I know he hated me. He hated me so much that sometimes he really couldn�t stand to be with me. But when I hit him, when I made him bleed, when I hurt him more than he could take, he knew he loved me. It was kinda like an epiphany. Suddenly he knew that he was wrong and that despite the fact that he hated me so much it hurt, he loved me too. That�s something I�m never going to understand, because I�ve never thought love and hate can exist in the same person for the same thing at the same time. But it�s how he felt then. And really what mattered was the he loved me. I�d never thought it was possible, but he loved me. And the only reason he�d realised it was because of what I�d done.

I�m not going to say it was right, and I�m not going to say I don�t wish I hadn�t done it, but I think maybe it was necessary? I hate that it was because all I ever wanted was for him to love me like I loved him, and it shouldn�t have taken that to make him realise how he felt. He should�ve seen how I felt, he should�ve felt how I felt, and he should�ve loved me right back. I gave him everything I had and everything I was and he just hated me. I think that�s maybe the worst feeling in the world, short of knowing that the one person you love in the whole world is with you and isn�t going to leave you but is going to hate you their whole life.

Oh, that and knowing that the person you�re with is only with you because he thinks he�s so fucked up you�re the only person he deserves, that the person you�re with is only with you because he�s in love with his brother and thinks that�s completely fucked up so he�s with you instead.

But I couldn�t let him go. I was in love with him so bad I didn�t want to imagine my life without him. I�d found myself thinking about it after he�d admitted he�d tried to kill himself, and I didn�t like what I saw. I didn�t think I wanted to live without him. So I was on my way to his room. I needed to see him. I needed to make things right.

***

The door was open. And I don�t mean just ajar, I mean it was wide open. I didn�t want to step inside because I wasn�t sure I was going to like what I�d see. But I had to because I needed to see Jeff and even if it felt like my heart was beating so fast I�d collapse, I had to go through with it. So I stepped inside.

I could see the stains on the wall and on the floor where his head had hit and he�d coughed up blood. And I had this funny feeling as I looked around � because the light in the room was odd. The light wasn�t on, it was coming from behind me in the hall and casting my shadow right over the floor, but that wasn�t all. There was light coming from the bathroom. I was shaking when I turned around.

The first thing I saw was Matt�s back. I thought it was Jeff for a second but there was long black hair hanging tied back over his bare shoulders, and I knew it was Matt. And then I saw what he was kneeling in. It was a huge pool of blood. Jeff�s blood.

I couldn�t keep myself from stepping closer. Matt was crying, and I could see Jeff�s left wrist resting against the floor next to a bloody razorblade. He�d done it, or so I thought, because then I saw his eyes open, his head resting on his brother�s shoulder as Matt held him there, motionless except for the movement as he cried.

�Jeff�, I murmured, quietly, so quiet neither of them could hear me and I wasn�t even sure I�d said it myself. But Jeff saw me, and he almost smiled and almost cried. He was almost dead. He�d slashed his wrists after I�d left and now he was almost dead. I remember thinking he was going to die right then as I stood there and watched them, and I thought maybe he would�ve died happy, there in his brother�s arms. But I knew this was wrong, and I couldn�t let him go. Not like this. Not because of me.

�Matt!� He flinched at the sound of his name, turned slightly so he could see me, and I could see his eyes were full of tears. �Matt, what the fuck are you doing? We need to get him to the hospital. NOW!�

He blinked at me, like he couldn�t understand what I was saying. I just gaped at him for a second then saw the phone sitting on the nightstand � I dialled reception and practically yelled at the woman on the other end that we needed an ambulance. She told me she�d phone and I don�t even think I hung up, I just threw the receiver down and got back to the bathroom as quick as I could. I almost had to wrench Matt away from his brother and yelled at him to grab the sheet from the bed � I tore it up and tried to tie Jeff�s arms so he wouldn�t bleed out anymore, but I wasn�t sure it was going to work. He looked like he was ready to pass out and Matt was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, sobbing. I guess he thought he was losing his brother, and he�d been the one to find him. Again.

I knelt down in the pool of my lover�s blood and I pulled him to me. I held him against my chest as tight as I dared, I stroked back his hair and I whispered �I�m sorry�. He smiled against my neck as he lay there, almost too weak to move, and whispered �I know�.

That was the moment I really believed I was going to lose him. I�d lose my lover and Matt would lose his brother. I think we both believed he was going to die.

***

Matt didn�t want me at the hospital but I didn�t care and stayed anyway. They tried to ask me to leave, but when I told them I was Jeff�s lover they sort of backed off and let me be. Matt wasn�t happy but all he did was pace the whole time we were waiting so it wasn�t exactly like he had to deal with me. I almost wish he had.

We�d been there sitting (or in Matt�s case, pacing) in some sort of relatives� room for almost six hours or something not knowing if he was dead or alive, and then a nurse came in and said Jeff was asking for us. Matt and I just stared at her for a second before either of us moved. He was alive.

Very much alive, as it turned out. He was lying in a hospital bed looking almost as white as the damned sheets, but he was alive. And he was smiling. I wasn�t sure whether I was supposed to smile back or not, but Matt did. He positively beamed at him. And I was glad that I lagged back because Matt strode straight over and kissed him. And I mean he kissed him, not on the forehead or the cheek or whatever, but he kissed him. It gave me the chance I needed to get out of there. I couldn�t see that.

It was raining outside and I got soaked on my way back to the hotel. I walked the whole way but it didn�t really seem like it. I just wanted some time alone to come to terms with it. I�d just seen what I hoped I�d never have to see. Matt must have told him how he felt. So now Jeff knew. And they were together. I wasn�t sure whether I was supposed to be heartbroken or happy for him. So I was both together.

I lay down on my bed in the hotel and I just stared at the ceiling. I didn�t care that I was dripping wet or that I was probably going to ruin the sheets or that I was shaking like a fucking leaf. I just wanted to forget about it. I wanted to forget that I�d almost watched my lover bleed to death. I wanted to forget that I�d just saved his life only to find out I�d lost him anyway. And I guess mostly I wanted to forget that he loved me, just not enough to want to be with me over his fucking brother.

But the thing is, I�d always known Jeff was in love with Matt. Okay, maybe not always, but it seemed like it. I mean, all I had to do was see them together enough after I�d started seeing Jeff and after I�d realised how he felt about me, and it just fell into place. He was in love with his brother. And seeing them together, it was impossible not to know that Matt was in love with him just the same. It was heartbreaking to realise that. After all, I already knew that I was in love with him and that we were perfect for each other, because we are and we always will be. But they were in love, even if they didn�t know how they each other felt.

In the start I thought it was enough that I was everything Jeff needed, because if he needed me and knew that I�d always be there, he�d stay with me. For a while I thought I knew he�d never leave me. But I guess I was kidding myself because there was always a danger he�d find out how his brother felt and then he�d leave. Because he didn�t love me then, he loved Matt, and that was who he wanted to be with. He would�ve chosen Matt over me in a heartbeat. But I guess somewhere along the lines I realised that Jeff might leave me, and I got scared.

Loving Matt is what made Jeff the man I love. Loving Matt opened up door he didn�t even know were possibilities, and once he was made the way he is, he was ready to be with me. Loving Matt made him perfect for me, and I guess I can�t deny that now. You see, if Jeff had never fallen in love with Matt he could never have loved me. He has this heightened sense of right and wrong that apparently I don�t have and I don�t understand, but loving Matt changed him, made him need me. I think deep inside he was always this person, but all this brought it out of him. He�s the same as me deep down. He�s the only person I�ve ever met who I�ve known was like me. It hurt to know I�d have to let him go, that his brother would �heal� him for whatever the fuck that�s worth. Because I never knew there was anything wrong with him. He was perfect to me.

I lay there thinking about losing Jeff. I lay there thinking about what my life would be without Jeff. I started wondering if it had been worth all this to know he loved me or if knowing that just made it worse, and I couldn�t decide because it was between Jeff being with me and never being truly happy or Jeff being with Matt and being happier than he�d ever imagined. I didn�t want anything bad to happen to him. He deserved to be happy. But didn�t I deserve that too?

I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I almost wished I�d never wake up again.

***

Losing Jeff was the hardest thing that ever happened to me. I didn�t know what I was going to do. I left the hotel that afternoon and I honest to God have no idea how I made it to the next show without killing myself or someone else with the numb way I was driving. But I made it. And I made it through the show, somehow, on auto-pilot. Jeff wasn�t there and neither was Matt. Their absence wasn�t explained and I didn�t feel like explaining it.

I caught Kurt watching me and for a second I felt like going over there and kissing him. I don�t know why, I can�t explain it. I mean, I was over Kurt and I had been for a long time. I guess maybe I wanted to feel like I was loved, because I knew that he still loved me in some way otherwise he wouldn�t be looking at me like that. But I couldn�t move. I couldn�t believe I was even thinking about kissing Kurt. One, I knew he and his new lover were damn near inseparable and if I so much as looked at him the wrong way Benoit would kick my ass into the middle of next week, and two, I knew I�d probably break down sobbing and having Kurt see me like that just terrified me.

So I just stood there looking at him, trying not to stare, but I couldn�t stop myself. Then Benoit came into the room, grabbed Kurt�s wrist and broke our gaze. I hadn�t even realised we�d been looking at each other until that moment. He�d had that look in his eyes like �are you going to be okay?� and all I�d been able to do was look heartbroken back at him. I don�t doubt that if Benoit hadn�t walked in he would�ve tried to have a conversation with me, and I think I would�ve told him everything. And maybe he would�ve felt sorry for me. Maybe he would�ve kissed me and maybe we would�ve fucked and maybe we would even have ended up back together, because I know he still wants that despite everything that happened between us. But his lover took him away and left me alone.

I walked out of the arena and I was on the asphalt spitting out a mouthful of blood before I knew had happened. I looked up and Matt Hardy was standing over me.

�He wants to see you�, he said, rubbing his fist before turning away and getting back into his car. I stared after him as he drove away.

***

I drove back to the hotel with my heart pounding so hard I almost couldn�t see straight. My jaw was aching where Matt had hit me, and I�d bitten a chunk out of the inside of my cheek that was still bleeding when I pulled into the parking garage. I had no idea what was going on or what Matt had meant, except I guessed Jeff wanted to see me, and I wasn�t sure what I was supposed to do. And I wasn�t sure I wanted to see Jeff.

So I went to my room. I fumbled with my bag trying to remember what the fuck I�d done with that damned card key thing that I�m never going to get used to using, then I realised the door was open. Not exactly open all the way or anything, but it was open. Just a crack. I guess I must�ve thought it was housekeeping or something, because like a fool I just pushed the door open and walked in.

And there he was, sitting on the bed, looking pale and bruised.

�Hey, Hunter�, he said, not making any effort to stand. I didn�t blame him. He shouldn�t even really have been out of hospital, let alone sitting there alone in my hotel room.

�Uh, hey Jeff�. I was shifting my bag between my hands, not quite able to look up at him.

�Just put the bag down, would you?� he said, so I tossed it into the chair across the room and started folding my hands in front of me. �What happened to your face?�

He actually sounded concerned, which surprised me. He wasn�t supposed to be concerned. He was supposed to hate me again because that would�ve made it easier. He wasn�t supposed to stand and step over to me, run his hand over my cheek, look at the bruise that was already forming and frown at me with that damned concern in his eyes.

�What happened, Hunter?� he almost whispered, his hand almost cupping my jaw, his fingertips over my jugular. I�m sure he could feel that I was shaking and I felt like a fool. I mean, God, I was standing there shaking like a fucking leaf just because he was touching me. That�s not me. I�m not supposed to feel like that. Loving him changed me. But I didn�t care.

�I, uh� I got into a, uh, fight�, I managed to stammer.

�With Matt�. It wasn�t a question. It was a statement, but I found myself nodding anyway. He does that to me. Sometimes he just reduces me to a bundle of nerves or a sheep in Hunter�s clothing. �I guess I expected that. I�m sorry�.

�You�re sorry?� I couldn�t help it, I looked up into his eyes. He was staring into mine, this look on his face like I�d never seen on him before, kinda like� Kurt. Kurt always used to look at me like that. That was his �unconditional love� face, the one he had when he asked me to take him back after he�d left me, the one that scared the hell out of me every time I saw it. But this wasn�t Kurt. This was Jeff, the guy I loved, the only guy I�d ever loved.

�I�m sorry. I should�ve warned you before I sent him to find you but I didn�t think�.

�You sent him?�

He nodded, running his the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip. �Yeah. I wanted to see you�.

�So you sent your brother, the guy who probably wants to kill me?�

�Stupid idea, I know�, he said, smiling, stepping closer, wrapping his free arm around my waist. �I didn�t mean to get you hurt. He won�t do it again�.

I frowned as he moved even closer, �til we were only inches apart and I could feel his body heat. He reached up and pulled the band out of my hair, fanning it out around my shoulders, his lips nuzzling against my neck. And I was just standing there, not sure what I was supposed to do. Confused doesn�t even begin to describe it.

�What�s wrong?� he asked, taking a step back. I opened my mouth to try to say something, anything, but I had no idea what to say. He started tugging at the cuffs on his long-sleeved black t-shirt, biting on his bottom lip. I didn�t want him to think I didn�t want him, but I didn�t have a clue what was going on.

�Matt probably wouldn�t like you being here�, I told him in a tiny voice that didn�t sound like me.

�Probably not, but what�s it got to do with Matt?�

�Aren�t you and him, uh� together? I don�t think he�d like you being here doing��

�We�re not together�.

�You�re not?� He took a step closer.

�No�. Another step.

�But you know he�s in love with you?�

�Yeah, I do�.

�And you�re not together?�

He smiled, shaking his head. �No. I�m not with Matt�.

�But you��

�Love him? Yeah, I do�.

�So why aren�t you��

�With him? Because of you�.

�Me?�

His hands slipped around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him �til he was pressed against me, his mouth my ear. �You. I know you heard me last night. And you hurt me. And you left me. But you�re sorry and I know that and I forgive you. I love you, Hunter. I wanna be with you�.

He kissed me. Not like he usually did, like he was trying to do what I wanted him to do, but like he meant it. Just softly like he almost wasn�t touching at all, then took a step back.

�What about Matt?� I asked before I could stop myself.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking up at me, rubbing at his wrists through the bandages and I almost winced thinking about what was under them. �I love Matt�, he said. �I love him so much it hurts. But Hunt, he doesn�t know me like you do. He doesn�t love me like you do. I�m just so sorry I didn�t realise before, �cause Hunt, I know I hurt you and I know I wanted to. I don�t deserve you. But I love you. And you can�t say you don�t feel the same way about me�.

I couldn�t help it, I think I actually started to cry. And when he stood up and kissed me again I kissed back. I wrapped him up in my arms and kissed the hell out of him. His hands were in my hair and mine were in his, then they were tugging at my shirt �til he�d pulled it up over my head and tossed it to the floor. I pulled off his, and I just grinned like an idiot as he tugged me back toward him and I felt his bare skin on mine. I�d missed that. I�d missed feeling his heartbeat as I held him. I�d thought I�d never feel that again, and I couldn�t believe how happy it made me to be holding him there, having him tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I think that was maybe the happiest moment of my entire life.

�I love you too�, I whispered, kissing his collarbone. �Don�t you ever leave me�.

He ran his hands down my back then pulled back just far enough to look up into my eyes.

�I never will�, he said.

***

I couldn�t make love to him that night the way we both wanted to. I wanted to hold him and be inside of him, show him exactly how much it meant to me that he was still there with me, that he wasn�t with Matt. I wanted to give him my whole soul that night, the way I�d wanted to the night before. But instead we just curled up in my bed and fell asleep together.

I woke up early the next morning and just lay there watching him sleep. My eyes were glued to his wrists, to the bandages, because I knew what was just underneath � there were his slashed and sutured veins, desperately trying to heal. They�d be read and raw and painful, a whole new set of scars to remind him and me together of what he�d done. He�d already got a set of scars across his wrists from the last time he�d slashed them. I could remember dozens of mornings like that one, lying in bed with him, running my fingertips over his scars thinking how lucky I was that he hadn�t killed himself. Now all I could think was how lucky he was that I�d found them there, because I don�t think Matt could�ve saved him. And I could�ve lost him.

He woke up slowly as I pulled him back into my arms, a smile on his face as he looked up at me and brushed the hair back from my cheek. He yawned and stretched and I found myself smiling back down at him.

�Mornin�, Hunt�, he said between yawns, and I leant forward to kiss his forehead. �Why you smiling?�

�I don�t know, I guess I�m just happy�, I told him, rubbing lazy circles on his hip with my thumb.

�I�m happy too�, he said.

And I knew he was. For the first time in all the time we�d been together, I actually knew he was happy to be with me. It was an amazing moment. Because before then I�d only ever given him single instants of happiness, like when I was making love to him, when I was cutting him, but now he was going to be happy with me forever. And I was truly happy for the first time in my life.

***

I couldn�t show him how I felt that day, that night, or anytime that week, because really he was just too weak. So we waited. But we were practically inseparable. Vince gave me time off � compassionate leave or whatever he wanted to call it because Jeff went to him and one look at the bandages around his wrists, I had leave. It gave us time to move Jeff into my place in Greenwich. Because that was his plan all along; I�d thought he was taking the weekend away from me so he could figure out a way to break up with me, but he was actually going to tell Matt about us, tell him he was moving out and moving in with me.

And after two weeks Jeff was more or less healed. He was cleared to go back to wrestling if he felt he was up to it, and asking Jeff Hardy that question is kinda like asking if the pope�s Catholic. He went right back to all his crazy-ass moves, impressing the hell out of the fans. No one saw the scars, the ones he�d made or the ones I�d helped him make.

Because I did help him make more. Even though he didn�t have Matt to use as an excuse for the cutting anymore, it was still there. He still felt better when he�d cut. So I helped him feel better. It seems right. For us, it�s right. He needs what I do to him, just like I need to do it. And sometimes, just sometimes, we need what he does to me.

You see, that was what I�d wanted that night, the night he tried to kill himself. I�d wanted to show him that as much as he�d do anything for me, I�d do anything for him. I wanted him to hit me or cut me, something that I did to him. I wanted him to show me that he cared for me in the way that I showed him. Because I don�t let just anyone do that to me. Like I can only hurt the people I care for, I only let the people I care for hurt me. It�s an expression of feeling. I wanted him to see how much I cared about him. And he might not have had the chance that night, but whenever he feels like it now he can do what he wants with me. We�ve marked each other. It made me realise that he�s really serious about me, more than the words, more than anything else.

But I don�t know if I�m ever going to know he won�t leave me for sure. He loves me and he wants me and he needs me, but there�s always going to be a part of me that knows he�s still in love with Matt. He�s always going to be in love with him. That�s why he can�t see him anymore. That�s why they barely talk when they do see each other. There�s this tension between them, because they know how they feel and I think Jeff�s always going to wonder what it might�ve been like if he�d chosen Matt over me. And I can�t help thinking that one day I�m going to come home and find he�s gone to his brother. That�s the biggest fear in my entire life now. Because I don�t know what I�d do if he left me.

I just have to remember one thing; he may love Matt, but he chose me. I�m the one he wakes up with every morning, I�m the one he goes to bed with at night. I�m his lover and I�m the one who gets to be there for him. I�m everything he needs. Matt could never give him everything I can, because I�m perfect for him.

And now I can spend the whole rest of my life trying to make him just as happy as he makes me. Because even if Matt never lets go, I think Jeff might do. I think he�ll realise that he doesn�t need what Matt can give him. This perfect relationship is what he needs. I�m what he needs. I�ll do anything to make sure he knows that. Because whatever relationship Matt could give him, it just wouldn�t be right. It wouldn�t be ours.

***
End
***