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Title: Near Me Always
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I�d say this one�s an NC-17. But not for the usual reasons.
Content: Big, big warning on this one. Big, big, squicky �do not read� if a little insanity and lots of blood will offend you. I don�t wanna give away the plot, so there�s not a lot more I can say. Just bear in mind I�m giving you a *huge* warning so don�t blame me if you read it and get offended.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: I have a simple philosophy � want, take, have. Just let me know where.
Summary: Raven and Stevie will be together forever. Sucky summary or what? *insane giggles*
Notes: For Gabi�s Raven muse, a gift from mine. Because hers has a conscience and mine doesn�t. And this story was Gabi�s idea, I can�t take any credit for thinking it up �cause I didn�t. I just wrote it. And some of it (though not most of it) was written by Gabi. So thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

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Near Me Always
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I sit here watching you smile at me across the room. I�ve always loved the way you smile � that was the very first thing I noticed about you way back when we first met. You walked into the room, turned to me and gave me that incredible smile � I swear my heart melted right then and there. No one ever looked at me like that. Before I even knew who you were I think I�d already fallen in love with you. Just because of that look. And you never even realised you were doing it.

But later on someone introduced us. You were guided over with a beer in your hand that just looked so out of place on you, and as you played with the ring-pull on the can and avoided my eyes someone told me that you were Stevie and I was going to be working with you. I couldn�t find the words for how happy I was. All I could do was shake your hand and tell you I was pleased to meet you.

But when you looked up into my eyes you understood. You knew just as well as I did that we were going to be together, and there was nothing either one of us could do to stop it. I didn�t have to say a word, you just knew. Understanding the inevitability must have scared the hell out of you, but you never even tried to say no. You just knew and accepted.

It didn�t come as a surprise when three days later I was making love to you. And it didn�t come as a surprise that you just looked up at me with the most adoring look on your face, like you�d been waiting for this all your life. I think maybe you had. Even if you didn�t know it, your whole life had been leading up to that moment, to being with me. You know that now. It was right that we were there together that night, joined, perfect. I�m not sure and I�m kind of reluctant to say it, but do you think it was destiny? I couldn�t say. But it always felt like there was something bigger than ourselves drawing us together. We�ll probably never know if that was destiny or if it was just lust.

Except we both know that couldn�t have been just lust. Because what I wanted from you wasn�t sex. I wanted you, all of you, everything you were. I wanted you to love me, and that�s what you wanted from me. That�s all we ever really wanted from each other, just love. And we got it. We fell in love. We fell so deep in love that for years all I�ve been able to think of is you. You�re in everything I do. You�re in me. You�re a part of me and you always will be. When I sleep all I see is your smile.

You have the most beautiful smile, but then you know that, don�t you? You really should � I tell you every day. I sit here and I look into those sparkling blue eyes, I tell you that I love you with all my heart and soul, then I kiss that beautiful, smiling mouth. I draw back and I trail my fingertips down your cheek, and I tell you exactly how beautiful you are, how beautiful you�ll always be. You�ll always be beautiful, Stevie, and I�ll always love you. Just like I tell you every day.

Every day I�m in heaven with you, Stevie. Every day you make me happy. You�ll never stop doing that, I know, because you�ll always love me just like you always have. Every day you remind me, smiling that smile, that smile I fell for all those perfect years ago, whispering words of love and forgiveness. You�ll never understand just how much joy that brings me. You make me so happy.

I knew you�d forgive me, I just knew it. After all, you forgave me everything else I ever did. I made more mistakes than I could ever make up for, and you always forgave me, no matter what. That�s the beauty and the brilliance of unconditional love. But I never meant to do any of it, and I never meant to hurt you, I swear. I just never knew how else to show you that I love you. So I hit you, I hurt you, I made you bleed and I watched you submit to me. I thought you understood what it meant to me, that it was love, so much love it would tear me up inside. I thought you knew, that you saw what I wanted you to see, that pain was my way of loving you. Because you gave yourself to me completely. And when it was over, when I carried you to the bed and made love to you, you�d look up at me and smile that beautiful smile. Just ever so slightly, so you wouldn�t reopen the split in your lip.

But over time that smile faded and I started to realise that something was wrong. I thought maybe you didn�t love me anymore, I thought maybe you didn�t understand after all. Then I started to think you might leave me, and I just knew that couldn�t happen. I got anxious and nauseous every time I thought about it. But I knew I couldn�t stop hurting you, no matter how much either of us wanted me to, because that�s how I showed you I loved you then, it was my only way, it meant everything to me because I so desperately needed for you to know how I felt. You�ve never had that problem � all you have to do is smile and I just know how you feel about me. I don�t have that. All I ever had was pain.

But you couldn�t leave me, I wouldn�t let you. I loved you too much to let you go. So I came up with an idea, a way to have you never leave me. I�d just put you out of reach of my fists. And it worked. I know you forgave me for it too, �cause you tell me every day in that soft, quiet voice, and you smile at me so warmly that I almost can�t believe you�re real. That�s how I know I did the right thing.

***

I planned it carefully, took my time, made sure everything would be perfect, because you couldn�t leave me. I had to make it right between us so you�d understand and we�d always be together. I just knew that any life I could have without you in it wouldn�t be worth living, and you�d see how it was better that we stay together.

It took over a week to get things ready. I had to plan out every detail because I knew it wouldn�t do for something to go wrong, I wanted it to be special. Like our first anniversary. Do you remember that? You spent months planning that one night. But I didn�t have months. I would have liked to, �cause I was so scared I�d under-planned and left out something important, but I didn�t really have any option but to go through with it when I did. You needed to see that leaving me was the wrong thing to do, and it needed to be then.

It wasn�t just that fading smile that made me think you were going to leave. I wish it had been, because that alone might have been easier to cope with even if it did break my heart. But there was more. It�s not your fault you�re so damn beautiful and I could never blame you for the way people look at you, but what worried me was that you started looking back. The strange thing is that I can�t even blame you for that, because you were just examining your options for if and when you�d leave me. It just made me believe even more strongly that I was right and I needed to make things right before I lost you to Jericho or Kanyon or any one of the other I could see wanted you.

After taking a week off by myself and refusing point-blank to tell you why, I surprised you by getting us a work-free long weekend off and sending you a plane ticket home. You always loved that house I bought us, maybe even more that I did. It�s a shame we can�t go back there, to the big cool rooms, the high ceilings, the kitchen you�d just got the way you wanted it and the bedroom I�d spent every spare second I had trying to make perfect for us. It didn�t matter that it wasn�t a huge place because it was only ever just the two of us and we always wanted to be as close to each other as we could be. Besides, the big glass doors that opened out onto the beach made it worth the size. And that�s where we went to spend our long weekend together. You were so excited.

I�d spent a week there already, and you walked in just as I was laying out dinner on the table. You threw your bag onto the couch and came over to me with that brilliant smile on your face, you wrapped your arms around my waist and when we kissed I loved you so much it brought tears to my eyes. You told me I was too good for you; all I did was nod, smile and tell you to eat your dinner before it got cold.

I sat there across the table from you, picking at my food and watching you wolf down yours. I listened to you telling me all about what had gone on while I hadn�t been there, and much as I wanted to believe you were telling me everything, I couldn�t help feeling there was something you�d left out. Did Kanyon seduce you? Did you sleep with Jericho? I don�t even want to know. I want to believe you�ve always been faithful to me the way I�ve been faithful to you. So I just listened, tried not to think. I watched every move you made instead, every blink, every yawn. I�d missed you so much.

I told you so. You just blushed and told me I�d only been away a week, and then you looked up at me from under your lashes and told me you�d missed me too. You sounded so shy, almost like we hadn�t been together for years. It never feels that long when I think about it, though. It never feels long enough. It always feels like we just started out a week ago, like every time I make love to you it�s something new and divine. It�s like we just fell in love. It�s kinda strange that it can feel this way, but I love it. It makes me realise that I�m never going to stop loving you.

You looked so happy sitting there, talking, eating, like it was all you�d ever wanted just to be with me. Then I took your hand and took you outside. We sat down together on the swing on the back porch and I poured us champagne from the bottle sitting there in the shiny silver bucket of melting ice. We sat and watched the sunset over the ocean, your hand in mind and your head resting on my shoulder. We hadn�t done that in over a year. I just sighed and pulled you closer.

When it started to rain I grabbed the champagne and you grabbed the glasses and we ran back inside, up the stairs, to our room. We fell down on the bed in each other�s arms, smiling, laughing, until I kissed you. It was dark outside and I was seeing you by moonlight, pale and heartbreakingly beautiful. I was above you, looking down at you, the light shining in your beautiful blue eyes, that smile on your lips. And I kissed you again, tasting the champagne in your mouth, feeling your hand on the back of my neck, my hip. I sat back and I undressed us both slowly, pressing kisses to every inch of your skin. And I made love to you. It was beautiful, just like you. It was perfect.

I lay down beside you and you told me that you loved me, looking up at me with that same look you�d had the very first time. I kissed your forehead and told you I loved you too. It was a perfect moment, in a perfect evening. Everything so far had gone exactly as I�d planned, special, just for you. I smiled and pulled myself up astride your hips. You were still smiling when I pressed the knife into your chest.

***

You gasped and the breath caught in your throat as you looked up at me, but you didn�t once try to stop me. The tip of the blade scarped against your sternum and I watched the tears form in your eyes as I cut you open from the base of your sternum to the hollow at the base of your throat, moving you up on the bed �til your head and shoulders were tilted just enough for you to see what I was doing.

The blood had started to well up from the cut I�d made, spreading up and over your chest, gleaming red against your pale skin in the moonlight. I dipped the tip of one finger into it, bringing it to my mouth. You tasted just like you always had, warm and coppery and sweet. Then I brought the knife back. I pressed it into the wound, down against the bone, and I told you it was going to hurt. You nodded and grasped the sheets in your hands so hard your knuckles turned white. As I brought my hand down against the handle of the knife, as the bone beneath it splintered and cracked open, you cried out.

I pulled the knife out and set it down on the nightstand, feeling oddly saddened at the sight. The shiny steel blade and the thick black handle were covered in your blood, dripping it onto the glass top of the nightstand, letting it pool there, cooling and wasted. I wanted to clear it away but I didn�t have the time or the heart. I needed to finish with you. I thought maybe afterwards I could clean up. And I knew I shouldn�t be sad anyway. This was just something we had to do, something so you�d never leave me. Something so you�d always be a part of me.

Your breath came in short, sharp gasps and it scared me to know that I was already running out of time. It wasn�t supposed to be over tat quickly. I was supposed to have time to love you, reassure you that this was okay. A tear slipped from my eye and mixed with your blood; I looked down at it for a second then back up into your eyes. You were crying too.

�I want you to understand, Stevie�, I told you softly, just loud enough so I knew you could hear me over the sound of your own breath as I reached up and stroked your cheek. �I love you. I�ve always loved you, Stevie, and I�ll always love you. Forever. You�ll always be with me. I never want you to leave me because I could never live without you, not now that I know you. You�re a part of me. You�re the best part of me. And this way you�ll always be a part of me. This is the way it has to be. This is the way it�s meant to be. I just want you to understand�.

I held your head in my hands, feeling how cold you were, and it chilled me. You were so cold. And I brushed the tears from your cheeks, watching as you blinked and looked up at me. I met your gaze.

�This is going to hurt�, I said.

I reached down into the cut in your chest, willing myself not to cry even harder when I heard that little whimper. I didn�t understand my reaction and I still don�t. All this was an expression of my love just like all the others. Not something to mourn for, but even that explanation couldn�t clam my tears. But I couldn�t stop. I was so close. I had to go through with it because I knew it was the only way we could stay together forever.

I felt the split in the bone beneath the surface, pressed my fingertips to the edges, pulled it apart. The bone gave way, cracked apart, pulled open for me. Your eyes closed, your breath was shallow, I didn�t have much time.

There was blood everywhere and I couldn�t see that I was doing. It made it difficult to feel my way because everything inside you was so slick with it, covered in it. I pushed my hair back from my forehead with the back of my hand and accidentally drew a stripe of it across my skin. Then I just closed my eyes and I reached back inside.

Inside you was wet and warm and slightly sticky, a strange mess of textures. It was an odd feeling, sort of sad but sort of right because this was you, this was me getting to know this intimate part of you, a part no one else had ever seen this way. It was amazing. It was you. But I didn�t have time to sit and stare. I was looking for something. Digging through your chest, I found it. Bloody and beating softly, I found your heart.

�I love you, Stevie�, I whispered, and your eyes fluttered open one last time. It took a few painful seconds you didn�t have to focus in on me, but when you did what I saw made me happier than I could believe. It just filled me up. You understood. You knew what this was. And you loved me too. I leant down and I kissed your smiling lips.

Then I sat back, brushed the tears from you eyes, and bit into your heart.

***

When we didn�t show up for work after that weekend I guess Vince got worried. Or angry, one or the other, and in the end the result was the same so I guess it really doesn�t matter. He phoned to make sure we were okay and I just told him we couldn�t make it. I didn�t want to leave you. Work seemed to unimportant because I had you there with me. I hung up on our boss then left the phone off the hook. I didn�t want anything to spoil our time together. Of course, you know that eventually we left the house. But I did everything I could to keep us there.

But no one understands. They worry about me �cause I show no remorse but they just don�t understand. I do show remorse, for all the times I hurt you, but I don�t do that anymore so remorse for what? For stopping myself from hurting you? For keeping you close? For loving you? I put you where I could never hurt you again, where my fists couldn�t reach you, inside of me. They all think I�m mad but fuck the lot of them; I have you and that�s all that matters. It�s all that ever mattered.

They can�t understand how I can live with myself. They send me to a therapist every day, some psychiatrist guy who�s just like them but with a certificate hanging on the wall behind his desk. He treats me like I�m dangerous, flinching every time I make the slightest little move. I�ll never understand that. I�m not dangerous, and I�m certainly not going to hurt him. I only hurt the people I care about, he should know that by now. All he ever does is ask questions and take notes, and all I ever do is answer him the best I can while he acts like I might vault over his desk and attack him at any second. He should understand by now. He might if he stopped analysing every word I say and actually listened.

But what do I care if he understands or not? It�s not my job to make him understand me � as long as you do then he can misunderstand all he wants. All he ever does is treat me like a child anyway. A child or an idiot, and I can�t figure out which he thinks I am. How he can look down on me when I�m probably smarter than he is is beyond me. I guess it just makes him feel big to have someone to condescend to.

He�s always asking me about you. You seem to be his favourite topic of conversation or psychoanalysis or whatever and God knows you�re mine, so I�ve got no reason to refuse to talk. I think he�s always a little surprised at how little prodding and poking he has to do to get me to answer his questions. I just don�t see any reason not to answer him. To be honest I�d like to know what he makes of me, what all those notes are he scribbles down in his notebook or on my files while I�m talking. I�ve always been interested in what other people think of me, of the image I project, and hearing it from a psychiatrist, someone whose function in life it is to understand and analyse people, would have to be pretty damn interesting.

He doesn�t understand my relationship with you, just like no one seems to. He asks me about that night, makes me tell him about it over and over �til I can almost feel how nauseous it�s making him, and I know he�ll never understand. He tells me you�re dead, that they buried you six and a half months ago. He doesn�t see how I can know all that�s true and still know you�re with me. But as long as he keeps asking I�ll keep trying to explain. I guess he deserves it for his persistence if nothing else.

But just because he doesn�t see it doesn�t mean you�re not with me. I know it and that�s all that matters. They can all think exactly what they want �cause as long as you�re here with me I don�t care what they think. All you�ll be with me forever.

They say I�m sick, they want to give me drugs to �make me better� but I know you�ll leave me then in some ways and so I�m scared to take them. My mind�s so clear and I don�t want them to cloud it. I hate it here and I wish we could leave but I guess that�s not likely to happen anytime soon. I wish we could go someplace and be alone together, I wish we could go home to our house by the ocean and just be together there forever.

I hear your voice from inside my head, from inside me, telling me you love me and we�ll always be together. I feel you inside me, your heart inside me, part of me, and I feel so loved. You love me. You forgive me. Now you�ll always be a part of me and we�ll never be apart and you have to know that�s all I ever wanted. �Cause I love you so much and I love the way you smile at me so warmly from that one picture they let me keep on the wall of my cell. You�re here with me. When they kill us we�ll die together.

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End
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