Title: Myself to You
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I�ll say R, but that�s really only because I have an aversion to PG-13.
Content: Mention of violence, some angst, sorta implied m/m and a little language. Wow, this is so worthy of an R.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: What Stevie wants. There�s no other way to summarise this without telling you the whole story, and what�d be the point in that? *g*
Notes: Was half-watching odd TV whilst listening to Tool, and this just hit me out of the blue. I�d say thing isn�t something I usually write, but it�s in the same stupid-ass style so maybe it is, just with a slightly odd theme for me. Hopefully it doesn�t suck.

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Myself to You
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You have no idea how much I want you. You don�t know, you can�t know. I know you don�t know. You don�t know how much I want you. You don�t know how much I need you. And I don�t think you�re ever going to know. Besides, even if you did it wouldn�t help me. You�d never understand. You�re just not the type of person who can appreciate this feeling. I�m not saying that like it�s a bad thing �cause it�s not � I wouldn�t change the way you are for anything. All I�m saying is this is something you�ll never understand.

You�re not this kind of person, the kind of person I am. You�re strong, and I don�t mean physically although you so obviously are. You�re strong inside. You�ve got this amazing sense of self, like you always know exactly who you are and where you�re headed. It�s like you have this built-in kinda compass and automatically you just always know what to do and when. And you have this will inside you, this absolute determination, it�s like a passion with you, the kinda that if someone gets in the way they�ll get burned.

Everything�s so absolute with you. There�s no such thing as a grey area, it�s all right or wrong, black or white, good or bad, and you won�t let anyone persuade you otherwise. You work on your own morals and your own ideals and you won�t let anyone pollute them. Everything�s a certainty, and you�re never unsure of yourself. I�ve never met anyone who has an opinion on everything the way you do, and you never back down. But it�s not like you�re just stubborn � you�re just so amazingly sure of yourself and what you believe in. And you always back it up. You�re so smart.

I don�t think I�ve ever met anyone as smart as you. You could�ve done anything with your life. That�s not to say you�ve wasted it �cause I know you�re just doing what makes you happy. That�s something very few people seem to have the courage to do, �cause following your heart can be the hardest thing to do sometimes. It�s hard to see past what could happen if you fail, past what people are saying about you, and focus hard enough on what you want to make it happen. But that seems to be something you�re good at. You know what you want and you won�t let anyone tell you that you can�t have it.

There�s something almost terrifying about the way you are, you know. There�s something unnerving about a person who lives by their own code, truly believes in himself and honestly doesn�t give a damn what people think, and that�s exactly how you are. You could be ripped out of this life and thrown down anywhere and you�d still land on your feet. You make things work for you. You�ve got this incredible ability to turn every situation to your advantage, no matter how bleak it may seem. But the scariest thing about you isn�t your manipulation of events. It�s your manipulation of people.

I�ve seen you do it. And trust me, sitting by and watching you do it is one hell of a terrifying sight. I�ll never really understand how you do it and to be honest I don�t want to, but I�ve seen the effects. You�ve destroyed people. I mean completely destroyed. You�ve broken them, sucked out all their passion, made them shadows of their former selves, and you�ve made them enjoy it all the while. That�s what scares me. How could you possibly break someone�s will, bend them to your own, use them and abuse them like that and actually make them want it? Practice, I guess, and God knows you�ve had enough of that over the years. And force of will. Strength of character. You�re just so damn strong.

That�s what draws people to you. You�re magnetic. There�s just something about confidence that attracts people, like a moth to a flame. Of course, not everyone likes you � there are guys I know who can�t stand you. They think you�re arrogant and opinionated and they actually go out of their way to avoid you. But usually they�re the guys with the big and easily bruised egos, like Austin or Hunter. They hate you because you are naturally what they�ll never be. They hate you out of jealousy. But trust me, they�re drawn to you anyway.

But you don�t care. You�ve never cared for popularity. If you had then you could�ve been the most popular guy out there, but you never have. Probably because that would mean caring what people think of you and catering to that, and that�s just something you despise. You refuse to be something you�re not, because you�re never anything less than one hundred percent true to yourself. It�d kill you to be anything else. I�ll never understand that, �cause for most people being the way you are 24/7 would just be a living hell. But this is who you are and I don�t expect to see you change anytime soon. I love that about you. You�ve got the strength to be yourself when everyone around you is just being who they�re expected to me. You�re just so fucking strong.

No one appreciates you the way I do. That�s probably because no one knows you the way I do, but that doesn�t make it any less true. I�ve known you for longer than most people around here, and I�ve had time to get to know you. Most people are convinced all this is an act and underneath you�re insecure as hell, or that you�re just an arrogant bastard, but none of that�s true. There�s not an insecure or arrogant bone in your body. You have no doubts. You�re just confident and know exactly who you are and what you want. But no one else seems to see that.

The ones who think you�re insecure are the ones that get involved with you. I�ve seen it time and time again. They head into a relationship with you, trying to figure out the �real� you, but what they don�t realise is that the real you is exactly who you seem to be. And they�re so fucking convinced they�ll find something new if they dig down deep enough that they don�t notice what you�re doing to them. They don�t notice that you�re sucking them dry. �Cause that�s what you do and you know it. You play with them like they�re life-size toys and all the while you�re just breaking them down inside. Your personality�s like a fucking black hole, I swear.

That�s exactly what it�s like. You could probably describe exactly what a black hole is better than I can, but the way I understand it, it�s matter so dense and so heavy all pushed together into an unbelievably small space, and because of its incredible weight it also has incredible gravity. Gravity like the force that holds us to the earth, only a million times stronger. Anything that strays too close is just pulled in, and there�s no way of escaping once you�re in its pull. Whole stars hundreds of times bigger than our sun are completely destroyed. Worlds are pulled apart. And once a black hole is born it never dies, it just drifts in space pulling in anything and everything that crosses its path. It just consumes and moves on.

Do you see what I�m saying here? Trust me, it�s not an insult, it�s just an observation. In fact, in some ways it�s even a compliment �cause I�m comparing you to something so awesome. I don�t know how you�d take it if I ever really told you, though. I mean, I�m saying you have such a tremendous power of personality crammed inside of you that just by the natural force of it you draw in everyone who comes close. It�s not something you can change �cause it�s just who you are, they way a black hole never changes. Its magnetism is inescapable, just like yours. The mass destruction on a scale I can�t even begin to comprehend is just one unpleasant side effect.

I don�t think that�s too insulting. Black holes are like one of the ultimate mysteries of the universe, these incredible entities drifting in space with a solid purpose and power beyond our comprehension. What they can do and even simply what they are is just so beyond anything we�ll ever know that it�s overwhelming. How could something so small and seemingly insignificant have the force to destroy something as huge as a star, as a whole solar system? It�s just something I can�t even begin to understand. It�s awe-inspiring. I know it�s a weird metaphor, but that�s exactly what your personality is. I should know that better than anyone. I�ve seen it in action often enough.

It�s so hard to be your friend. I don�t think you know it, you just unconsciously make it virtually impossible to be around you. You never seem to wonder why you have so few close friends, it�s just something you accept. After all, it�s not like it really matters to you � you�ve got an astounding array of acquaintances and a seemingly never-ending stream of lovers to use up and spit out. Why should it bother you? Hell, you know you�ll always have me. Sucker that I am, you�ll always have me. But you make it so hard.

And you know why it�s so hard? I�m trying to stay close enough to be a friend but far enough away that I don�t get sucked in like everyone else. How difficult do you think that is? Pretty fucking difficult, I can tell you. Especially when all the time I just want to hand myself over to you and see what you�ll do.

Oh, I�m sorry, I guess I never told you I want you. Oh well, now you know.

Usually you�re so good at reading people, too. I can�t quite understand why you haven�t noticed what I�m feeling. I guess maybe it�s something you won�t want to see, �cause you�ve got to know you could never use me the way you do all the others. I know you too well for that. And I may not seem that way to look at or talk to, but the polite and unassuming Stevie everyone knows is every bit the manipulator you are and you know it better than most. You�ve gotta believe we�d be a match made in hell, and maybe that�s true. From your point of view being with me would be a huge mistake, �cause how do you manipulate and use someone who knows exactly what you�re doing? Simple answer, Scotty. You don�t. But I should know by now that you�d never walk into a relationship on those terms of your own free will.

And sometimes I can�t help but wonder what it would be like if that ever happened. Because if you just let yourself slip for a moment then it really could happen. You�ve admitted you want me more than once, but there�s some shred of common sense and I guess the small matter of this fucked up friendship is holding you back. But if you let that go, even just for a second, we could be together. And we�d probably tear each other apart in the end. I wonder what would happen if two black holes ever met. Probably just the same thing.

Actually, no. If they did then the smaller of the two would be pulled in and swallowed up. Of course presuming there�s one smaller than the other. Just imagine two of the exact same size. God knows what would happen then. It�s almost frightening. Two forces like that locked together, matched exactly, struggling for power and all the while nothing would escape their combined gravity. They�d suck everything in. Maybe that�s what we�d be like, caught up in each other, destroying everything around us. We�d be explosive and more destructive that I can even start to imagine. I guess that�s the reason we�re not together. Because I may not be like you, but I�m just as strong. You�ve kinda forced that on me �cause there�s no other way I could be around you. Without me becoming a carbon copy of you, we�re as similar as it gets. That�s why we�re not together. It would just be too wrong for words.

But you�re missing a point, and by assuming we�d end up like that, so was I. Because it doesn�t have to be that way. We could be together and not be doomed. You just don�t know it. And this is the part you�ll never understand.

Someone like you wouldn�t be able to grasp this. You�re too strong-willed and self-possessed. But trust me, there are people out there who would understand. You�ve even met one of them, been with one of them. Yes, that�s right, you know who I mean. He�s the one who completely fascinated you, the one you could never figure out, the one you punished more than any other and had the hardest time giving up. If I didn�t know better I�d almost say you were in love with him. You remember Matt, right? Dear sweet Matthew Moore Hardy. He hardly seems the type, but he really is.

He was just like all the other in the beginning, just another one of those na�ve guys who seem to think you�re something you�re not and want to find some hidden depths. I was pretty sure when I saw you together the first few times that he�d turn out to be just like all the rest, like Jericho and Christian and his baby brother Jeff before him. But you know what? One night we were all sitting together in some bar somewhere, and I saw a flash of something in him as he looked at you. It was gone in a second but I knew I�d seen it and it bothered me all that night. But in the end I just dismissed it �cause he went right back to the way he always was, and I forgot about it.

Until I walked into our hotel room a couple of nights later and found you asleep and him bloody and bruised in the bathroom. He was standing there naked at the sink, cleaning the blood from his face, and as I stood there in the doorway he turned and looked at me. And I knew. As he dried his face, staining the white hotel towel with his blood, as he walked past me back into the bedroom and slipped into bed beside you, I knew. He wasn�t kidding himself anymore. He knew who you were and what you were doing to him. And he was still there.

You never understood why Matt let you do the things you did to him, and personally I don�t think you ever will. It�s probably best you never do, because you really have to have been there and felt it to understand. And I have. Ever wonder what I was doing after I joined the Federation and you were back in ECW? Ever wonder why I never told you? Because you�d think I�d lost my mind, basically. I was being with Shawn Michaels the way Matt was with you. Just for a while, not as long as Matt was with you, but long enough to know.

Matt never loved you, so don�t try to persuade yourself that he did. That�s not what the relationship was about for you and once he realised you weren�t what he thought you were, it wasn�t about that for him either. You gave him something I doubt he even knew he needed before he met you, and you never even knew it. You made him submissive. You beat him and tied him down and cut him and fucked him, and he enjoyed every second. Just like I did when Shawn did it to me.

Submission is something beyond you, just like you think it should be something beyond me. It�s not that you disapprove as such, you just don�t get it. You�re just every inch the dom and nothing else makes sense to you. But there�s something attractive about submission. Believe me, I should know.

My only problem is that I can�t just submit to anyone. Shawn was my first experience of it, and even then it wasn�t like we started out that way. I needed to know him and trust him completely before I could be that way with him, and that took time. I mean, I�ve been the dominant partner for so long that I know exactly what can happen, how you can be manipulated and made to agree to things you just don�t want to do, and I needed to know Shawn wasn�t going to put me through that the way I have with others. He never did, and he was good. But you know, while he�s good at what he does, he never controlled me completely. I�m not sure he ever wanted to. But you could.

That�s what I want, Scotty. That�s how we could be together. If I gave myself to you completely, we could be together. I want you to control me. I want to give up everything to you, give you my will and my desires and my choices and have you make them for me. I want to live for you, and no other reason. I want you to tell me who to be and what to do and what to feel. I want to give up all of my strength and give myself to you. I want you to fill and consume me with your will and make me surrender to you. Is that clear enough for you? I want you to make me yours. I want to belong to you. I want to do everything for you, and all I want in exchange is to belong to you.

And the crazy thing is, I trust you not to break me. You could do it so easily, I know � I was there to see what you did to Matt, remember? And he didn�t give you anywhere near as much of himself as I�m willing to. You took him apart. But I don�t believe you�d do that to me, no matter how vulnerable I�d be making myself. You�d take me and make me safe. You�d take all the danger out of my life and protect me. And in return I�d belong to you, love you more than you could ever know. That�s all I want, just to be yours, to have you be my everything and make everything that�s not you lose its importance.

If a black hole has something caught in its gravity, there�s no escape. But what if that something is infinite? They�d be caught up in each other for all eternity, combining, intertwining. And you should know that no matter what you do to me, I�ll never ever feel any different about you. Once this thing began there�d be no escape, and neither of us would ever want or need anything else. I just wish I could make you see this.

But you never will. I�ll stay just out of reach, and you�ll just keep on destroying everyone you meet. I�ll keep standing by and watching you do it, never trying to stop you. I�ll do it myself, too, like we always do. And I�ll wonder what it might be like if I was yours, not mine. I�ll wonder what it might be like if I was yours and Matt wasn�t mine.

But for now and in the immediate future this is how it has to be. I�m still my own and Matt�s over you. I wonder if he�ll ever be over me. I was something he wasn�t prepared for, and all because I understand him better than he understands himself. If I wanted to be, I could be worse than you. I�ve watched you do it often enough, and I know what it�s like from both sides. I might even be able to pull you in like the rest. But Scotty, that�s not what I want.

If I could give myself to you, you�d see how good it could be. You could own me in a way no one ever had, not even Shawn. I gave him my submission in the bedroom, but I�m offering you my life. You�d own me, body and soul. And you�d see what it�s like to be owned right back. You�re just too blind to see that I�m everything you�ve ever wanted.

Pity, really. We could�ve killed each other for the rest of our lives.

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End
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