***

Title: Love You
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I think I finally got my NC17!!
Content: Sex, blood, violence, strong language and angst. And I stress the blood and violence. Please heed the warnings. I don�t want you to flame me just because you didn�t pay attention.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Sequel to �Love Me�, and just so you know right from the start, this is Raven�s POV.
Notes: Wow, a fic that�s not inspired by a song (although all I�ve been listening to whilst writing this is �Fake Plastic Trees�, hehe!) And this hasn�t been beta�d � I don�t know it this just plain sucks or if it worked. Thanks to Ravenette and Gabi for asking me to write this because it was surprisingly fun. Anyway, for anyone who read the first one and who wants to read this, here you go :)

***
Love You
***

�Baby, you�re so good to me�, you whisper into my ear as I kiss your neck. I just smile against you and murmur something you can�t quite hear but that you know is �I love you�. It doesn�t matter to me that you�ve never said it back, but not for the reasons you think. And I do love you. I wish I didn�t, but God help me, I love you.

�Don�t stop�, you say, but you know I will, �cause I always do. You know why. It�s because I love you.

***

I was in love once, a while ago now, maybe a year or so. And I was convinced that love was going to last forever. I thought if I wanted it bad enough then everything could turn out okay. Because I loved him more than anything or anyone in the world. I�d never loved like that before; it was so powerful that it completely overwhelmed me. And he was perfect. We were perfect together. Everything about the whole damn relationship was just� perfect. Or so I thought.

Stevie loved me too. I think he fell for me before I even knew he existed, and he�s gonna love me forever. I guess I feel the same way about him, kinda, �cause I didn�t know a love like that existed before I met him. It scared me that I could fall so deep and so hard for someone, anyone, �cause I�d always been a loner and I�d never needed anyone. But I needed him. I wasn�t sure I could live without him. Except I never really believe he could leave me. I knew there was no way I could ever leave him, and I guess I always thought it was the same for him. Besides, I never knew there was any reason for him to leave. I thought what we had was perfection.

But I was wrong. Not about him loving me � that much at least was true. But that wasn�t all he felt. You see, over the years, he�d started to hate me too. It was kinda confusing to think he could love me and hate me at the same time, �cause how do you hate someone you love that much? But I know he felt it. If he hadn�t then he couldn�t have left. And he did leave. He packed up everything and left me.

And before he left, he sat me down in the hotel room we�d been sharing and explained exactly why he had to go. I know how this sounds, but I swear I�m never gonna forget that night. Because he shattered that illusion of perfection completely, made me see just how wrong I�d been. He sat beside me on our bed and told me in this calm voice that just wasn�t his that yes, he loved me, but he�d never wanted me to do what I�d done. Never. He broke my heart that night. He broke *me* that night. Then he stood, pressed a kiss to my forehead and walked out of my life.

I don�t think I�m ever going to get over him, not completely, just like he�ll never be over me. Sometimes I�ll look up and catch him watching me, staring at me, and for a second I�ll be staring right back into those familiar blue eyes and I�ll just need to go over there and tell him I�m sorry, that I made a mistake. But I never do and I never will. �Cause he looks away like maybe he�s embarrassed or ashamed that he was even thinking about me, and I know I can�t put him through it. He�d never believe I�m sorry anyway, no matter how much he might want to. I know he wants to think I�m a good person and I never meant to hurt him and I regret what I did every second of my life, but he knows better. Not everything, but just enough to know that I�m not a good person and I did mean to hurt him. What he�s never going to realise is that while all that�s true, I do regret what I did. I�ll regret it �til the day I die.

I hurt him. And I�m not just talking emotionally here. I know you�ve heard the rumours about me � since Stevie left me, every time I showed the slightest interest in someone there�s never been a shortage of guys ready to jump in and explain why I�m to be avoided like the goddamn plague. Most guys listen to them, too, and I don�t blame them. I�m bad news, whatever that�s supposed to mean. I don�t deserve anyone. I never deserved Stevie and I don�t deserve you.

You should know that the rumours are true. Most of them, anyway. Most of that stuff I�ve done, or had to me. Most of it I did to Stevie. And I regret it. He never wanted it. Well, in the start he didn�t, but I made him want it. I ignored him when he said no, then I made him beg for me. I hurt him and I made him like it and that made him hate me. I guess I just didn�t want to believe that something I needed so much could be so bad for him, and I didn�t want to believe that someone I needed like I needed him could be so different from me.

I can�t understand why he never told me to stop. We were together for years and he never told me to stop. Maybe if he�d sat down and explained it all to me then I could�ve stopped and we�d still be together. Except I guess it took him leaving me to really make me understand that what I did was wrong. It was so wrong I lost him because of it, even though I loved him and even though he loved me. It must have broken his heart too.

So now I know that everything I thought was a lie and everything I ever did was wrong. He made me see that. And since then I haven�t hurt anyone. Not that that makes me feel better, �cause I know Stevie�s still walking around with scars all over his chest and his back and his arms from what I did to him. He didn�t deserve that, he told me, and I know he�s right. He didn�t deserve all those scars just for loving me. No one does.

And I don�t know why you�re with me, �cause I know you must have heard the rumours. I know they scared you. You should have left me then, than night. You remember that night? You told me Matt was sick so you were gonna room with him for the night. But I knew you were lying. I�d seen you leave the room that day, and I�d seen Stevie follow you. If I�m honest, that scared me. I didn�t want you to see what I�d done to him. But I guess you must have figured I�d changed since Stevie, �cause the next morning I woke up with you in my arms.

You should have left me. Because you have to know by now that I haven�t changed. No matter how hard I�m trying, no matter how hard I�ve tried and no matter how many people I�ve convinced since we got together, I can�t have convinced you. You believed it for a while, but it�s impossible to be around you and not feel like I�m so close to just letting go. But I can�t. Sometimes it feels like I�m falling apart, cracking apart at the seams while I�m trying to play nice, and while the front stays up I�m stretched to my limit and holding on by a fucking thread. Because this isn�t me. I hear myself talk to you, I seem myself with you, being good to you the way I know I should, and it�s just not me. It�s not me at all. But all I can do is smile and hope you don�t notice.

But you do, I know you do. And you know what�s worse than knowing you see that I�m pretending to be someone I�m not? Knowing you want me to be myself.

***

I don�t think I can be who you want me to be. I�ve been there and I�ve done that and I�ve learned my lesson. I lost Stevie because of that. And I know you�re not him, and I know you�re a very different person. You�re nothing like him. And you think you want me, the real me. I�m not going to tell you you�re wrong or that you don�t, but you can�t know what it is you�re asking me to do. If you did you�d take it back.

There�s a problem here, I know it. You�re not in love with that false me, the act I put on for you, you�re in love with the real me. You�re in love with Raven, with everything you know I am that�s just beneath the surface. And you want me to be myself with you. You want me to hurt you. It�s an amazing thought that you really want that, that you want the real me and not the perfect, gentle, loving fa�ade. I thought that was what you wanted. I know it�s what Stevie wanted � he would�ve been happy for me to pretend �cause that would mean he got his perfect lover. He could have convinced himself that was the real me, because it was what he wanted so badly. I�ll never convince you because you�ve seen a faint glimmer of who I am and that�s who you want.

But you need to know that once you�ve caught even a glimpse of who I am, who I really am, there�s no going back. I won�t be able to pull this veil back over and act like nothing happened. And I can�t give it to you in stages. I can�t let the act go little by little and reveal myself to you, �cause it�s all or nothing. One second I�ll be� this, this muted, colourless, edited version of myself, and the next you�ll see the real me sitting in its place. You can�t want me to look at you with these eyes. You can�t want me to love you like that. I know you think you do, but trust me, you can�t want this. Please Jeff, don�t want this.

I�m not playing around when I say there�s be no going back. I won�t be able to do it no matter how much either one of us may want me to. And trust me, you�ll want me to. In the beginning you�ll want me to. Then later on you won�t know what you want except you won�t want me to stop. I can make you hurt in ways you�ve never even dreamt of. You�d be surprised how long I can beat you before you black out. You�d be surprised how much you can bleed and still be alive. You�d be surprised how much it could hurt and how much you�d hate it but you�d still beg me not to stop. I�d consume you body and soul before you even knew I�d made a move.

Don�t romanticise this, Jeff; I�ll hurt you �til you think you can�t take anymore, so much you�ll cry and you�ll beg. Remember the scars on Stevie�s chest? I�m sure he showed you. I�ll do that to you too, if you give me the chance. I�ll take a knife and I�ll cut you open so deep you�ll have a scar there five years on, for the rest of your life. I�ll do it more than once, too, and don�t kid yourself �cause it�ll hurt like hell and you won�t be able to do a damn thing about it. I�ll bruise you too, all over, �til you�re swollen and you ache like you never knew you could. I�ll split your lip and I�ll tell you it looks pretty on you, I�ll kiss you and bite down on it, I�ll make you like the taste of your own blood. I�ll fuck you and no matter how good it feels just know that I can make that hurt you, too. I�ll do all that and more. So then what? Will you still love me when I�ve broken you?

I want to believe you would. I know you think you would but you haven�t felt this. You�ve never felt someone slide the tip of a knife into your stomach and hold it there so you can feel the steel inside you as the blood wells up around it, tease the skin around it with a tongue or a fingertip or the edge of a razorblade until you�re not sure it that�s pleasure or pain you�re feeling. I might do that to you. And please don�t think that�s the worst I can do.

You can�t want this, Jeff. It�s already so hard not to do it without you wanting it. I see you bruised after a match, I see you bloody, and I have to bite my lip to stop myself from shoving you back against the wall and fucking you right there. You don�t know what you do to me. And that�s without you wanting it. Imagine what could happen if you did � what would stop me doing exactly what I wanted? I love you so much but even that isn�t enough to stop me �cause I know on some level that this is all just a twisted extension of my love. I want to love you so much it hurts. So what would stop me? I don�t even think knowing you�d eventually hate me for it would help. And knowing you�d eventually leave me wouldn�t either. Nothing�s strong enough to hold me back once I�ve let go, if you want it. Jeff, please don�t want it.

I don�t want you to leave me. I love you and I don�t want you to leave me. I love you but I don�t know how long I can keep myself together when all the time you�re working to take me apart.

�You�re too good for me�, you say, holding me close. I kiss you like everything�s just the same but my heart�s in my mouth and I know what you really mean. I really am too good for you. It�s not this me you want. You want *me*. You want this.

Fuck it. Tomorrow we�ll find out if this is what you really want. But for now, we sleep.

***

You�re half an hour late. You�re always late so it shouldn�t surprise me, but when you�ve been waiting all day each half hour can seem like an eternity. Of course, when you�ve been waiting a year, a half hour seems fair. And when you�ve been waiting a lifetime, a half hour�s nothing at all.

You left early this morning � you were going to hit the gym with your brother and those hyper-blonde friends of yours with the toothpaste commercial smiles. Then you probably took a shower, grabbed something to eat and hit the stores. If you don�t come in with a new pair of boots and six new shirts at least, I�ll be surprised. Then dinner in some restaurant you didn�t even know existed until you were walking past it, and right about now you should be�

The door opens and in you walk.

�Hey, Scotty�, you say, dumping bags that have to contain enough new stuff to clothe the entire US Army into the chair behind the door. There�s so much stuff it doesn�t really fit and it all starts falling to the floor before you can catch it. You sigh, shrug and let it fall.

�Hey, Jeff�, I reply from my position on the bed. I�m sitting back against the headboard, one arm along it, the other resting on the knee I have pulled up. My other leg�s laid out, bent slightly at the knee. Maybe I look relaxed. But if I were relaxed then my hair wouldn�t be tied back and I wouldn�t be wearing my glasses. I probably wouldn�t be wearing these denim cutoffs or have my wrists taped, either. And I know I wouldn�t be wearing these boots or this shirt. So maybe I don�t look relaxed. Maybe I look like I�m waiting.

�Is something wrong, Scotty?� you ask, frowning at me as you kick off your sneakers.

I shake my head slowly, although it�s more like I�m rolling it from side to side against the wall of our hotel room. �No, nothing�s wrong�, I tell you, making speech marks in the air around �wrong� but without really moving my hands from the headboard or my knee. �You might not want to call my Scotty, though�.

�Why?� you ask although I can see you�ve realised already � there�s a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. I�m smiling too, but I know it hasn�t quite reached my eyes. It�s just hard �cause I wish I didn�t have to do this. But I know I do. And it�s your fault. I tried, really I did. Don�t ever say I didn�t.

�Call me Raven�.

Now you�re really smiling. �What do you want me to do?� You start to move toward me but I raise a hand and the look on my face tells you to stop. You do.

�One, stay right where you are�. You nod. �And two, tell me this is what you want�.

You nod. �I�ve waited so long� I never thought you�d� yes. Yes, Raven, I want this�. And I know you mean it. I don�t need to be a genius to know what that look on your face, in your eyes, means. You mean it.

I leave the bed, take off my glasses and set them down on the nightstand; I might need them later but right now I don�t want to have them broken. Then I turn to you, stride over to you, and the backhand I give you catches you completely off guard. I almost smile at the sound of my hand connecting with your cheek, and you gasp as you stagger awkward to one side, almost falling but somehow staying on your feet.

�Is that what you wanted?� I ask as you look back at me, tears springing to your eyes involuntarily as you nod again. �Then tell me why�.

�I� I don�t know why. I just want it. I need it�.

You look almost wild but I�m not sure if that�s with lust or adrenaline. Maybe both. I reach out and stroke the mark I�ve left on your cheek, and you turn your face, brushing your lips over my palm. I slap you hard but you just look up at me with this adoring sheen in your eyes. So maybe I really am doing what you want. But I can�t think like that. It�s making me warm all over and it�s making me love you more and more. I can still feel the touch of your lips on my hand. It�s tingling, so I rub it away.

�Stevie�, I whisper as I look into your eyes. You frown, open your mouth a little way like you�re going to speak, but you don�t say word. I know you�re confused. I say it again, louder, so you know you didn�t imagine it. You open your mouth again and I just reach out and gently press your jaw back into place. Then I turn away.

�Stevie!� I call, facing the bathroom off to the left.

The door opens and he steps into the room.

***

You don�t understand and I couldn�t expect you to. You didn�t expect Stevie to be here. You�re looking between him and me with this gorgeous frown on your face and I can just see you trying to figure out exactly why he�s here. I should just tell you but I really want you to figure it out for yourself. And it�s all going to be clear soon anyway.

I step up onto the bed and drop down, reaching over to pick up my glasses and slip them on as I slip back into my position. I�m watching you as you watch me, but you�re not sure if I�m the one you need to watch �cause there�s the small matter of Stevie standing there between us, his back to me. He�s wearing a pair of really short denim cutoffs, like he used to way back when, and I have to wonder if he wore them for me. He knows I always loved him in them � he�s always had great legs. Long legs. Legs I used to love to feel wrapped around my waist� But that was a long time ago. He�s not the same guy he was then.

�What? Why?� you ask quietly, still looking at me but directing your question to both of us. I shrug and tilt my head back, letting it read against the wall as I watch Stevie step toward you.

�I tried to warn you, Jeff�, he says, reaching out to push a stray lock of hair behind your ear. Even across the room I can see you flinch. �But you knew better, huh? Apparently you think you want him to hurt you. You want to take my place. You�re welcome to it�.

�So why are you here?�

�Raven asked me to take care of you tonight�.

�Raven?� You look at me, but Stevie takes hold of your face and turns it back to face him. Roughly.

�It�s just for tonight, Jeff�, he murmurs to you, right up beside your ear, still holding your chin. Then he steps back, tilting his head to one side as he looks you up and down. �Don�t worry, you�ll enjoy it. Maybe not at first� but you will. I�m not as good as Raven, but I�m still good�.

I watch with a smile as he hits you, backhands you, leave you slack-jawed and frowning. Then he really hits you, punches you, right on the jaw, so hard he send you staggering back into the wall and winces at the pain in his knuckles. Your hand flies to your face, touches the place where the bruise will be, and you wince too before you look up at him. For a second I think you�re going to put up a fight, but then his fist connects again and you go down.

He hit you just under your eye this time and it looks kinda red. So he hits you again, and you grunt with the pain. He�s kneeling in front of you now �cause you�ve sunk to the floor, and he hauls you to your feet, jabbing his fists into your stomach and doubling you over; he brings his knee up into your face and when I see you again he�s split your bottom lip open just off-centre and there�s blood flowing down over your chin.

I remember doing all of this to him. He always looking beautiful all bloody and bruised, just like I know you�re going to. And it seems strangely fitting that he be the one to do this tonight. It wasn�t as hard as I thought it might be to ask him, either.

Finding him was the hard part � getting hotel staff to give our someone�s room number is a total pain in the ass. In the end I just grabbed Ivory in the dining room and told her I wouldn�t leave �til she gave me his room number. Then I went up there, knocked and waited. I was nervous as hell � I mean, I hadn�t talked to him since the night he left me. He yelled �who is it?�, I yelled �Raven� and fifteen seconds later the door was opened. He was dressed only in track pants and someone else�s blood. Billy Kidman�s. He was lying on the bed with a serene smile on his face and his own blood all over his stomach and the bed sheets.

I was expecting a big scene � y�know, yelling, throwing stuff � but he just smiled and hugged me and asked me if I wanted to stay. So I did. And I swear I�ve never seen Billy Kidman look so beautiful in all the time I�ve known him.

I didn�t go over there to ask him to do this, y�know. I went to tell him I was sorry, to get the guilt out of me from what I did to him before going back to our room and doing the exact same thing to you. It just didn�t quite go the way I planned. He never asked for an apology. I don�t think he wants to hear it, �cause he�s never going to forgive me anyway. He still hates me so much. But after he�d finished with Billy he actually thanked me. He�s not the same guy he used to be, that�s for damn sure. I think maybe I broke him.

He asked me if I was hurting you yet, and when I told him no he told me you wanted me to. That�s when I asked him. There was method behind it, too � it wasn�t like I was trying to repay him for letting me watch what he did to Billy, even if that was fucking beautiful. You see, he�s not half as vicious as I am, and I knew he�d be perfect for your first time. And this is almost a test in a way, to see if you really do like all this or if you just like the idea of me doing it to you. Right now you�re on the floor and out of view so I can�t tell. I just know you�re not fighting back and there�s blood from where Stevie opened up your forehead all over the wall. I can just imagine what you�re going to look like, and I can�t wait to see. My Stevie�s gonna make you look so pretty� I�m almost bringing myself just thinking about you, touching myself through my jeans�

Oh God you�re beautiful like that, lying there in front of me, trying to hold yourself up on bloody hands, looking up at me through swollen eyes. I lean forward and straighten your hair a little, my fingertips coming away covered with your blood. I lick it away, loving the way it feels on my tongue, and I know I wouldn�t be able to keep myself from staring at you if Stevie wasn�t turning my head so I�m looking at him.

He pulls off his shirt and instinctively I�m reaching out, touching his stomach, his chest, the scars I gave him. He smiles, bends slightly at his waist and kisses my forehead.

�I think it�s time for me to leave�, he says. I nod, leaning into his hand as he runs his fingertips over my cheek. �He�ll be good for you�. I smile and so does he. �I love you, Raven. See you around�.

�I love you too, Stevie�, I tell him and he just smiles, pulling his shirt back on and turning to leave.

�Look after him�, he says as he opens the door and disappears through it. I guess we�ll never know if he was talking to me or to you.

***

I jump down off of the bed and look down at you. We�re alone now and I can�t help feeling this little jolt of excitement, like a fluttering in my stomach as I see you. You�re just perfect, bloody and bruised the way I wanted you, your shirt half ripped off, face down on the bed. For a second I think you�ve passed out but then you roll over with a groan and rub at your eyes as you wince.

�He�s gone?� you croak.

I don�t reply, I just yank off your pants and toss them across the room. I don�t even bother taking my clothes off � I just unbutton my jeans and make my way up the bed to where you�re lying, on my hands and knees. I push up your thighs and in a couple of seconds I�m inside you, buried full length, making you gasp and almost cry out loud. You bit down on your hand to keep yourself from yelling � I can see the marks your teeth left.

I know this has to hurt you but it feels so good to me, and when I hit your prostate it feels good to you too. I wanna cut you, I wanna hit you, but I don�t. I just thrust into you as deep as I can go and listen to you moaning beneath me, writhing under me, gripping my biceps with your blood-slicked hands. You�re amazing. You�ve never felt this hot before, never felt this good. I�ve never loved you more. This is passion. This is everything I am. This is me.

I reach down between us and jack you off roughly while I�m still inside you, breathing hard, gritting my teeth and screwing my eyes shut. I can�t look at you. I don�t want to see your face. Right now I just want to feel you and hear those pretty noises you�re making.

You come first, all over my shirt, and I�m only a couple of seconds behind you. I pitch forward and press my face into your shoulder, shuddering. I know I hurt you. It�s what I meant to do. I know I have to have made you bleed. I meant to do that too. But I can feel your arm closing around my waist, your hand pulling down my hair so it hangs around my face, pools on your chest. I brace myself against the bed, push myself up a little way so my face is hovering just above yours even though I�m lying on top of you kinda awkwardly. And I open my eyes.

You�re smiling.

You brush the hair back from my face, pull me down to your side so I�m lying next to you. Your hand�s on my cheek, running up my chest under my shirt, tugging it off me. And I�m looking into your face, your beautiful, bruised face. You look perfect.

You kiss me, split lip and all, and you taste divine. That taste of your blood in your mouth, the feel of your bloody lip, is intoxicating. I could kiss you all night. But you draw back.

�I love you�, you say, your smile even brighter. And I�m smiling too, pulling you to my chest.

�I love you too�, I murmur as you rub your blood from my lips.

And I�m looking into your eyes when I see it. This is what you wanted. And I feel so close to you. You wanted me to do this, you want me to love you like this. You really do love me. I feel so happy I think my heart�s going to burst as I lie here with you. Oh God, Jeff, there�s so much I�ve got to show you! This is going to be perfect, you�ll see.

You want me to love you so much it hurts. Next time it�s gonna be me who hurts you, and I know that you�ll just love me even more no matter what I do. You�re so beautiful. I love you so much. And now I can really show you how I feel, no act. Forever.

***
End
***