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Title: Love Me
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: For the millionth (okay, the twenty-ninth) time, R.
Content: Mention of violence, strong language, m/m� Angst?
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Is Raven too good for Jeff?
Notes: Inspired by a song, but I don�t wanna tell you �til after the fic what it is, �cause it�ll kinda spoil the ending.

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Love Me
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�Baby, you�re so good to me�, I croon into your ear as you kiss my neck. You just smile against me and murmur something that I can�t quite hear but I know is �I love you�. It doesn�t matter to you that I�ve never said it back � I guess you figure I�m just not into that express-all touchy-feely shit, or that I�ll tell you in my own time, and that�s fine with me. I�m quite happy for you to think whatever the fuck you want if it makes you happy. And it�s not like I�m gonna correct you.

You really are good to me. Come to think of it, you always have been, since way back when we first got together. I was getting over a bad break-up and you walked into my life and changed it all around. I�d been fucking miserable for a while damn month by then, pining away for my ex like some goddamn lost puppy. Strange how I never realised exactly how much I loved him until he left me, huh? That�s just the story of my life � I don�t know what I�ve got �til it�s gone. I took him for granted. Well, kinda I did. I mean, I didn�t think he�d leave me, if that means I took him for granted. But I really did do everything I could to make him happy. We were good together. Just not good enough it seems, �cause he left me.

For Kurt Angle. Kurt fucking Angle. I just don�t see what he�s got that I haven�t, apart from that amazing physique and the bluest blue eyes on the face of the earth. So okay, I guess I see why he�s with him � he�s not my type, that�s for fucking sure, but Kurt�s hot. I can see how a guy like Steve could fall for a guy like Kurt. After all, they�ve got more in common with each other than either of them has with me. They make a cute couple. Of course that�s not how I felt about it when Steve left me to be with him.

Yeah, that�s Steve Austin I�m talking about. Stone Cold, the WWF champ. I know I�ve told you we were together but I don�t think you�ve ever really believed me � hell, sometimes when I see him it�s hard for me to believe I was ever with him, so it�s not like I really expect you to believe. We looked like such an odd couple, big ol� bald beer-swilling foul-mouthed Texan Stone Cold Steve Austin and little old me. I guess that�s why no one ever found out about us. We were the mismatch of the fucking millennium. Except we were surprisingly good together. I guess the only problem was that I found out he was cheating on me, and the same damn night I realised I loved him. It was just a big fucking mess. So was I.

But the reason it was such a bad break-up is because I couldn�t do the sensible thing and let him go, and he couldn�t make up his mind. He spent two whole agonising weeks trying to decide if he wanted to be with me or Kurt, fucking us both in the mean time. I should just have left him, but I couldn�t. And neither could Kurt. And in the end he chose Kurt over me and broke my heart. Really the only comfort I had was knowing he�d never make it work with Kurt the way he had with me. I was right, too � I know it every time I see Steve reach for his hand only to have it batted away or when they argue in public. But believe me, even that didn�t exactly work miracles to make me feel better, even if I still can�t resist a smile when I see things going wrong for them.

I think it�s probably fair to say I was depressed after Steve left me. I just felt worthless, like I�d never deserved to be with him in the first place. And I kept going over all the reasons why I wasn�t as good as him, or why I wasn�t as good as Kurt, or why I might as well just jack it all in �cause I didn�t deserve to be where I was.

Matt kept trying to cheer me up, but since he had absolutely no idea what was wrong and his idea of cheering me up was setting me up on blind dates and taking me out drinking with the boys, it wasn�t exactly an overwhelming success. I love him, he�s my brother and he tried his best, but no matter how hard he tries he�s never gonna get it quite right. I don�t blame him, it�s just the way he is. And for some strange reason I can�t quite figure, he seems to think I�m just like him. It�s not his fault if he inherited the family straight genes and he�s living in denial because of that, but sometimes I wish he�d just wake up. It�s not even like he�s homophobic or anything �cause he doesn�t have a problem with the vast majority of our friends being gay, it�s just he sorta seems me as a slightly younger version of himself and believe I�m anything less than one hundred percent straight would just be a knockout blow to his ego.

Matt couldn�t help me � not for lack of trying, but he just kept fucking up fairly impressively. And the guys couldn�t help either � I can�t blame them, but hanging out with Mr and Mr Old Married Couple Adam and Jay or the constantly googly-eyed Chris and Chris just made me want to cry.

But then you walked in. Literally. We were sitting in a bar somewhere in Cleveland listening to some fucking awful band wail their way through Motorhead�s entire back catalogue when Jericho practically leapt out of his seat and started waving his arms around like he�d completely lost his mind. We kinda figured out that he was motioning for someone to come over. You. You walked over and grabbed a seat, grinning at Jericho and Benoit then trying to introduce yourself over the slaughtered �Ace of Spades�. I already knew who you were � I think we all did � and I�d never really given you a second thought before then. But you made an impression, believe me. Suddenly I wasn�t thinking about Steve. I wasn�t even listening to Chris explaining drunkenly and somehow loudly how Fozzy could play Motorhead a million times better than the crappy in-house band. I was watching you sip your beer, trying not to stare.

Three days later you asked me to dinner and the rest is history.

***

�Don�t stop�, I tell you, but you always do. I sigh and you smile at me like you don�t even realise there�s anything wrong. Sometimes I think you do, but I know you don�t. And that�s the problem, I guess.

But you�re so good to me, I can�t deny that. You don�t treat me the way Steve did. Thinking back, he was a complete bastard. No one ever knew we were together because he wanted to keep it a secret and like a fool I just went along with that. And because of that we could never go anywhere or do anything together that made it even remotely possible that someone might find out. And he cheated on me, Damnit. I wouldn�t go back to that for anything, not now I have you. I�d choose you over Steve any day. Being with you is just so much better.

Back when we got together I wasn�t sure it would be. Yeah, I was pretty much convinced that nothing and no one could be better than being with Steve, but that�s not all. You see, you come with a health warning. It seemed like everyone who ever knew you or heard anything about you came crawling out of the woodwork to warn me about you. First off it was Chris and Chris, which I didn�t understand �cause I thought Jericho was a friend of yours. And he said he was, but as my friend too he had to tell me you were bad news. Needless to say, I didn�t listen to him.

Then Adam and Jay started telling me they�d heard rumours about you, about what you liked to do to your lovers, that you played kinda rough. And then the ex-ECW crowd started, and still I didn�t really believe them.

But there was someone who made me believe. Yeah, you know who I mean � you should do, you were with him for like five fucking years or something. Yeah, that�s right � Stevie. Stevie Richards.

We�d been sitting around backstage as some arena � I don�t remember which one �cause I mean after a while they all start to look the same. Adam and Jay were feeding each other carrot sticks and I was sitting on your lap; Matt was over at the other side of the room studiously ignoring us as he talked to Trish and Lita. But he kept looking back over his shoulder, probably hoping we wouldn�t notice and maybe I�d be in my own chair again, and I�m sure he wanted us to feel bad but I just kept bursting out laughing and getting strange looks from everyone while you just smiled and twisted my hair around your fingers or played with your glasses. And I know Stevie was there, talking to Regal and Val Venis.

Then I had to leave �cause I had a match and I was still sitting around in my street clothes, unlike practically everyone else. And as soon as I was out of the room, there was Stevie right behind me. He tapped my shoulder kinda awkwardly and I was so surprised it was him that I couldn�t even ask why he wanted to speak to me or where we were going when he grabbed my wrist and started leading me away.

He sat me down in his locker room and started to talk. I don�t think I was even really listening, because I don�t remember much of what he was saying. I was just sitting there watching him, because I�d never seen him like that. He was standing against the wall, not even looking at me as he spoke. And everyone else who�d tried to warn me off you had either yelled or looked really concerned � he wasn�t either. He was kinda� wistful. There was this little smile on his face as he was talking softly, playing with his hair with one hand, like he was remembering that it used to be longer, wishing it still was.

�He was the best I�d ever had�, he told me, suddenly looking straight at me, every last trace of that smile gone. The look on his face was almost cold, expressionless, but his eyes weren�t. He was almost crying, I swear. �But I had to leave him. Just like you�re gonna have to, if you�re strong enough by the time he�s through with you. I�ve seen the way he looks at you � he used to look at me that way. He�s just going to consume you, Jeff, �til there�s nothing left of you. He�ll hurt you so bad and he�ll make you like every second of it, so much you�ll need him to do it. Just ask yourself if this is really what you want. Do you really want him to do this to you?�

I swallowed, hard, as he moved closer to me. He knelt down in front of me, right in front of my knees, looking into my eyes as he pulled off his shirt. And suddenly I knew what he was talking about. His chest was scarred. Not like you don�t know because you�re the one who did it to him, but he�s got these scars on his chest like someone took a knife � and I mean a great big fucking kitchen knife � and cut him open. Not just once, either, but like a whole bunch of times. Different lengths, different depths� It was fucking horrific.

He reached forward and I couldn�t stop him as he tilted my chin up so I was looking into his eyes. And he really was crying then, not sobbing, but there were tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. And he took my hand and he placed it on his chest, over his heart. I shivered. He was so cold.

�Raven did this to me�, he said, his voice so quiet I almost couldn�t hear him. �And more. You can�t see the bruises he gave me, the black eyes, the cuts that didn�t scar, the split lips, the cracked ribs. Don�t let him do it to you too�.

Then he left. He just put his shirt on and left. I stared after him, not sure what I was feeling.

***

I thought about what Stevie said. I couldn�t stop thinking about it. That look on his face, the way he�d spoken to me, the scars� I couldn�t stop thinking about him. I almost completely fucked up my match that night �cause I couldn�t stop thinking about it. And I lied to you so I could spend the night away from you � I think I told you Matt was ill or something so I�d be staying with him. If you suspected I was lying then you hid it well.

I lay awake practically all night thinking, too. Then I made my choice. Because you�d never been anything but kind and good to me. You�d been perfect. I went back to the room I�d been supposed to share with you and slipped into my side of the bed where I knew I should�ve been all along. Stevie was wrong. You weren�t going to hurt me. And you never have.

A handful of times while we�ve been together I�ve thought you were going to hurt me. I�ve seen you get this look in your eyes like you wanna beat the hell out of me, like you wanna cut me, like you�d just love to hurt me until I�m all bruised and bloody and helpless. And I know you could do it, but you don�t. You could really hurt me, I have absolutely no doubt of that. You could do exactly what you did to Stevie. And I wouldn�t be able to stop you, because you�d know exactly what to do. I�d just have to lie there and take it, and you know that. But you don�t do it. It�s kinda frightening to know that the guy you�re with could hurt you like that.

But you�ve never hurt me. You�ve never so much as raised your voice to me. You�re like everyone�s idea of the perfect lover, gentle and kinda and great at absolutely everything, willing to do whatever I want you to do. I think you�d do anything to keep me happy.

And you love me so much. I think that�s why you don�t hurt me � I guess you learned your lesson when Stevie left you. You just did whatever you wanted to him and made him like it all in spite of himself, but eventually he left you and I just know that had to hurt like hell. I know you loved him. You must have loved him to be with him for that long, and it can�t just have been that he let you do what you did. You loved him. He must�ve broken your heart when he left you. So you�re not going to make the same mistakes with me. You don�t want your heart broken all over again.

So you�ve changed. At least partly. You�re not the same but you are. You don�t beat me but you want to, you just reign it in and remind yourself that I�d leave if you ever laid a hand on me, just like Stevie did. You�ll act like this and you�ll act like you�re happy to be this way with me, because you don�t want to lose me. You love me. I know you do. You tell me all the time and no one could make love like you do if they weren�t in love. You�re doing the right thing, because Stevie taught you how wrong everything you want is. You�re not going to risk losing what we have by losing control of yourself and doing any of the things you did to him. And I respect you for that. Sometimes I think I love you for that.

Because even if I don�t say it, I do love you. I don�t know when I started to feel it, I don�t know why, I don�t know if it�s right, but I know I love you. More than I ever loved Steve � I think I loved him because he made me feel wanted, at least some of the time. That�s probably over-simplifying what I felt for him, but I don�t care. I don�t love Steve anymore. I�m over him. I�m with you and I never ever want this to end. You�re just everything I�ve ever wanted. Not that I can tell you.

I love that you love me so much you�ll never risk our relationship by doing the things you want to do. Sometimes it scares me that you even want to do them at all, but I couldn�t leave you because of it. I couldn�t leave you at all. And you�re so good to me. You always have been, Scotty. Not like you were with Stevie.

But you weren�t really with Stevie, were you. That wasn�t Scotty, that was Raven. You�ve even started to have people call you Scotty again to remind us all that you�re not the same guy.

Except I know that�s a lie, Scotty. I know it. I see it. I fucking feel it. You�re always gonna be that guy, Scotty. No matter how hard you wish it wasn�t true, no matter how much you want to change, you�re always gonna be Raven. And you�re so scared I�m gonna see that, see what�s really inside of you, and I�ll leave. But I�m not going to leave. I�m not going anywhere. I�m not like Stevie.

Stevie wasn�t what you wanted him to be. You wanted him to understand you, you wanted him to know you, but he never did. He loved you, yeah, but that�s not the same thing. He loved you so much and it must�ve killed him to leave you, but you�ve gotta know he had to. He didn�t have a choice. And you blame yourself for everything that happened, I know. You can�t help it � I mean, it really is your fault, in a way. You shouldn�t have hurt him like that, because he never wanted any of it. At least not in the beginning he didn�t, and that�s what counts. You made him like it, but he hated it at the same time. And the more you did it the more he hated you for it. Most people can�t understand how it�s possible to hate someone and love someone at the same time, but believe me it is. And that�s how Stevie felt about you. I think he still does. He�s never going to stop loving you, but he can�t stop blaming you for everything that you did to him, either.

But Raven, I�m not Stevie. Remember that.

�You�re too good for me�� I murmur into your hair, holding you close. And you kiss me, softly. But that�s not what I want you to do.

Haven�t you ever wondered what�s wrong with this relationship? Haven�t you ever wondered why I�ve never said I love you? There�s a reason, and it�s not what you think. It�s not because I feel like I can�t, it�s not because I want to wait and make sure, it�s not because I�m scared to. It�s because you�re pretending to be someone you�re not and that someone is not the guy I love.

Hurt me, bruise me, make me bleed, and I�ll tell you I love you. That�s what I want.

It�s the real you I love, the one that knows exactly what I need. I�ve always needed it, I�ve just always been scared to admit it. But you, you can give me what I need. And I�ll love you for it. Stevie wasn�t strong enough, he wasn�t what you wanted him to be. But I am. I just wish you�d see that.

I love you, Raven. I just want you to love me the way you need to. Be yourself. Love me so much it hurts. Love me bad.

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End
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Okay, the song it was inspired by is �Want You Bad� by The Offspring. Read the lyrics, you�ll see what I mean!