***

Title: Loss
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: R, maybe. Nothing too graphic in this one.
Content: Language, violence, m/m sex, guess there�s a weird kinda dominance issue in there too.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Another Jeff/Raven, except this one�s more Stevie/Kidman with a whole hell of a lot of talk to Stevie/Raven. It�s part of what I guess is technically now a series, following �Love Me�, �Love You� and �This is Love�. Don�t ever let it be said that I don�t come up with amazing titles. Oh, and if you want to read the others, you can find them in the wwfsml message archive or (which is slightly less effort), on my site at http://www.geocities.com/ravens_slavegirl/misery.html
Notes: For Gabi and Ravenette, with thanks from my Raven muse.

***
Loss
***

I miss him so much sometimes that it�s hard to breathe. It shouldn�t hurt this much to lose someone but for some reason there�s just no getting over him. I wish I could. I really wish I could just put him out of my mind and get on with my life, but that�s never going to happen. Especially not now.

I was with him for years. I can�t even really remember exactly how long it was it was that damn long. And I guess somewhere along the lines I lost track of time. I could probably work it out to the exact moment if I thought about it but I don�t want to. What good would that do me? It�d just mean I�d know exactly how long my life�s been fucked up, and I�m not sure I�m interested. I�d rather just accept that it is and go from there. It�s really for the best.

I was too young to know any better when I met Raven. I saw this incredible guy, this guy I looked up to and practically fucking idolised, and I couldn�t help but want him. I didn�t care what I heard about him, I just had to be with him. And he wanted me too. We were great together. It seemed like we were made for each other. I really thought I�d found someone special, who I could love and be with for the rest of my life, and I know he felt the same.

But then things changed, and I was too na�ve to get out of it while I could. Except I have to ask myself if there was ever really a time when I could�ve done that, because by the time he started to hurt me I was already in love with him. How was I supposed to leave someone I loved like that? I just wasn�t strong enough. So I stayed. I stayed and I let him do exactly what he wanted to me because I thought that if he was doing it then I really must deserve it. Either that or if I loved him enough, if I showed him enough, then he�d stop. It took fuck knows how long for me to realise that he was never going to stop, and that none of it was my fault. He just did it because that�s what he wanted to do.

In the end I realised that there was nothing I could do to make him stop, and really the only reason I ever figured that out is because I tried everything. I tried being good to him. I tried doing everything I could for him. I tried loving him. And I tried telling him no, but none of it worked. That�s when I knew. He was doing it to me because he wanted to, because that was the way he was. That was probably the hardest thing I�ve ever had to come to terms with. My lover hurt me because he wanted to, despite the fact I didn�t want him to, and there was no way I was ever going to be able to make him stop.

So what did I do? Well, for the longest time I did nothing, absolutely nothing. I let him do it. I just sat back and let him hurt me. I let him pull out knives and cut me up. I let him beat me �til I thought I was going to pass out, and a couple of times I did. He did it for years and I just fucking let him because I didn�t know what else I could do. I loved him � what was I supposed to do? Even when my friends told me he wouldn�t hurt me if he loved me back, I didn�t listen. I knew he loved me. I could explain how I knew, I just knew, you know? I felt it. I didn�t need him to treat me like I wanted to be treated to know he loved me. He just did. And knowing that, I couldn�t leave him. At least not then.

It took me years, whole fucking *years*, to work up enough courage and conviction to eventually leave him. I�d lie awake at night thinking up ways of leaving him where I wouldn�t have to tell him face to face, wondering what he�d do if I just left and phoned him or left him a note. Then I�d feel like a complete fool for even thinking about it. How could I leave him like that? How could I leave him at all? Every time I�d just dismiss it, lean into his arms and go to sleep. But every time a little piece of that stuck, and every time I got just a little closer to leaving.

Then one night I did it. There was nothing special that sparked it off � I can�t say he�d done anything especially bad to me, at least nothing he hadn�t done before. I just decided it was time. Something slipped into place in my mind and I knew I had to go. I�d never known that kind of determination. I just grabbed Lodi in the locker room, went back to the hotel and grabbed my stuff.

And I was going to leave a note. Cowardly as it may seem, I was going to leave and I was just going to leave a note. But suddenly as I looked around the room I knew I had to stay. Not forever, not because I�d changed my mind and not because I was going back to him before I�d even left. I needed to tell him face to face. I needed to look into his eyes and tell him exactly why I was leaving him. Because I knew that I�d know I was right when I saw him. And I knew it would break his heart. I needed to see that, I needed to see that he loved me, and I needed to show him what he�d done to me all those years was wrong. And that�s exactly what I did. I thought maybe when I left he�d change and then maybe in some twisted way it would be okay for me to go back to him. But I looked into his eyes and I knew he could never change the way he was.

I sat him down and I explained it all. I told him it was wrong of him to have hurt me, because I�d never wanted it. I told him if he really loved me then he would�ve stopped. I told him it was wrong of him to make me want it, because that�s what he always managed to do in spite of everything I felt. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry and that I�d really wished that things could�ve worked out between us. He looked up at me with this heartbroken look in his eyes and I almost told him I was wrong and I wanted him to take me back. But then I saw the confusion, the fact he didn�t understand why what he�d done was wrong. That was the moment I knew what I was doing was right, just like I�d known I would.

I kissed him one last time, I kissed him goodbye, and I told him I was leaving. I took my bag, nodded to Lodi who just gave me this small, infinitely proud smile, and we left together. I turned and I left the only person I�d ever really loved.

***

I broke my own heart that night, too, and I�m not going to pretend I didn�t. It was the hardest thing I�ve ever done. I looked my lover in the eyes and I told him I was never coming back and that I never wanted to see him again. I walked out on the love of my life and knew I could never go back to him. I was so scared. I didn�t stop shaking for an hour after that, just sitting in Lodi�s room on the edge of his bed, rocking and shaking. I wouldn�t let him come near me. I just sat there wondering what the hell I�d done. As far as I was concerned I�d just ruined my life.

I felt like that for longer than I can explain, and in a way I still feel that. I�m not going to pretend like I could�ve stayed with him and ever been completely happy, but I could�ve been with him and that�s what counts. Being with him made me happy in a way, happier than I�d ever been. But I knew it was wrong. He made it so I couldn�t even trust my own judgement anymore, because when he hurt me he�d always make me want it. He could make me beg him to hurt me, no matter how much I didn�t want it. And in the end I guess I hated him for that. I�ll always hate him for that, and what he did to me.

Sometimes I miss him so much it�s hard to breathe, but all I need to do is take a look at the scars he left me with to make that feeling go away. They�re all over me, where he used to cut me. He used knives, razorblades, broken glass, wire, whatever he could get his hands on. Sometimes it wouldn�t really be sharp enough and he�d really have to force it. Trying to get an ordinary table knife to open someone up is practically impossible without some real force behind it � trust me, I know.

For longer than I want to remember I couldn�t get him off my mind. I couldn�t get over the fact that I�d left him and he wasn�t in my life anymore. I almost didn�t know how to live on my own. He�d always been there for me, loved me, made sure everything was okay. Now I had to do everything for myself and that scared me. I wasn�t sure I could make it without him. I kept thinking that maybe if I went back and told him how sorry I was then he�d take me back and everything could go back to being the way it was. Except I knew I didn�t really want that. Every time I picked up the phone and though about dialling his number I�d sit there shaking �til I put it down. I realised that as much as living without him scared me, living with him scared me even more.

Then I got a call from the WWF. I couldn�t say no. I mean, when Vince McMahon calls you don�t say no. The next thing I knew I was signing a contract and I was officially with the World Wrestling Federation. And I knew everything was going to be okay, because that was one place Raven couldn�t follow me. I had a job doing what I loved, I was getting paid an almost ludicrous amount of money for it, and for the first time in years I actually felt like I was in control of my own life.

Of course, even though I was in control, I still missed him. I couldn�t help it. Every night I�d lie in bed thinking about what we would�ve been doing if I was there with him, wherever he was. Half the time I didn�t even know what state he was in. I�d wonder who he was with. I�d wonder what they were doing, if they were in love, if he was hurting them like he had me. Even after everything I was in love with him and I didn�t want to think that he could have got over me that quickly. I wanted him to miss me like I missed him. I wanted him to regret what he�d done to me. I think maybe I was still hanging on to that stupid idea that maybe he�d change and we could get together. I just didn�t want to let go.

Until I met Sean. Sean Waltman. X-Pac or whatever else you want to call him. I guess that sounds kinda unlikely, but that�s the way it happened. I was sitting in the locker room waiting around for a match and Sean walked in and sat down opposite me. We got talking. We didn�t exactly have a lot in common, but we got on well enough. He was friendly and for the first time in months I felt really relaxed around someone. He just put me at ease. It felt so good to be able to talk to someone like that, nothing expected of me. I honestly thought I might have found someone I could really be friends with in my new life.

But then he asked me to dinner. I was mortified. I mean, I hadn�t been expecting him to ask me out � I just thought we were making conversation. But he was interested in me. All the conversation had been leading up to that? I felt like a fool. I just stared at him as he fidgeted nervously in his seat, then I muttered something about not thinking it was such a good idea and practically ran out of the room. I couldn�t be around him.

I avoided him for a week, but I couldn�t stop thinking about him. I felt so guilty, I couldn�t believe I was even thinking about taking him up on the offer because it just felt like I�d be cheating. Except the more I thought about it the better the idea seemed. Sean was a great guy and I wasn�t with Raven anymore. I�d finished with him. I�d been pining for him for months. In the end I decided it was time to move on, and I thought Sean might be the guy to move on with. At least I was going to give it a try.

I found him at the arena that night, took him aside, apologised and asked him if he�d still like to go out sometime. He smiled and told me he would. Three days later I woke up in bed beside him, brushed back the hair from his face as he slept and knew I�d done the right thing.

***

Seeing Raven last week, when he came to my room, was the biggest shock I�d had since I found out he was coming to the Federation. Needless to say, I hadn�t been expecting him. Why would I have been? He wasn�t exactly high up on my Christmas list after everything that had happened. There was this knock on the door and I could almost have put my fist through the wall I was so angry. I don�t like being interrupted. There was a do not disturb sign hanging on door and yet someone had decided to ignore that and knock anyway. I could just see it being Lance or Shannon or Rob or even Sean, but my yelled �who is it?� was met with �Raven�.

I frowned. I looked down at Billy who was lying under me, thought for a second, then got off the bed and walked over to the door. My heart was hammering as I opened it and swung it open, and I looked straight into the eyes of my ex-lover. I didn�t know what to say. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes and I just crumbled. Everything I�d wanted to say to him just dropped away. I grinned and I threw my arms around him. I don�t think either of us cared I was getting blood on his shirt.

He had no idea what was going on � I guess he�d been expecting me to hit him or tell him to go to hell or something. But I didn�t. I just smiled and asked him to come in. I watched his face for a reaction when he looked over to the bed and saw Billy lying there. He turned to me and frowned. I smiled and motioned to a chair at the table under the window. He looked like he needed to sit down.

�So, what do you think?� I asked him. He frowned. I nodded to the bed. �Of Billy�. He turned and stared for a couple of seconds, then looked back at me, all the colour drained from his face.

�You�ve done a good job�, he said. �I�ve never seen him looking better�.

�Thanks, I�ll take that as a compliment. Look, Raven, I really have to finish with him�.

�I�ll� I�ll go and I�ll come back later?� he said, moving to stand. I reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking my head.

�No, no it�s okay. You don�t have to leave. You can stay if you�d like. Stay and watch�.

So he did. He really didn�t take much persuading. He sat there at the table, turned his chair so he was almost facing the bed, and watched what I did to Billy. I wanted to look over at him, smile, show him the blood on my face and my hands, tell him to come on over and join me, show Billy what he�d done to me all those years, but I didn�t. I wanted to show him I could do just as good a job alone as he could. My heart didn�t stop hammering all the time I was cutting him, not that that was unusual �cause with the adrenaline rush and all� but it was different. Raven was watching me. He was in the room with me. And I still hadn�t found out why he was there. I wanted so desperately to impress him.

He told me afterwards that I had. I was in the shower and he was sitting outside and we were shouting over the noise of the running water. I was trying to get all the blood out of my hair and I was asking him if he�d hurt Jeff yet. I don�t know whether he knew I knew about him and Jeff Hardy, but I did. It was kinda common knowledge, what with them being practically joined at the hip and all. After a long pause, he said no. I chuckled to myself � I don�t think he could hear over the water � then told him he wanted him to. I knew Jeff wanted him to. And that was kinda frustrating. I just thought Raven deserved to know, if he didn�t already.

I never wanted anything that Raven did to me. Sure, he made me want it, but that�s not the same thing. I never really wanted it for myself. I wanted it to please him or I wanted it for release or I wanted it because it just felt so good or so bad or whatever it was. I didn�t want him to do it. But I talked to Jeff about him, about what he�d done to me, and even if I know Jeff didn�t know it himself quite then, I could see he wanted it. It was the look in his eyes as I described what had happened to me, as I showed him the scars on my chest, as I placed his hand over my heart and told him that eventually Raven would do the same to him and if that wasn�t what he wanted he should get out right then. He couldn�t hide it. He wanted to be hurt. I think he almost needed it. I envy him that. If I�d been more like Jeff then I never would�ve lost the man I love.

So when he asked me to go back to their room with him, to have a little fun with Jeff, I wasn�t really sure what to say. He wasn�t sure whether it was what Jeff really wanted, and while he was willing, he didn�t really want to be the one to do it. He wanted to give Jeff the option to back out if he wanted to. I wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped out of the shower. One look into his eyes and I knew what I had to do. I was going with him and I was going to beat the hell out of Jeff Hardy.

It was fun. It was strange, but it was fun. I mean, I didn�t like leaving Billy alone, and it almost felt like I was intruding. I saw the way Raven looked at Jeff and the way Jeff looked back � they were so deep in love it was almost scary. I wondered if we�d ever looked at each other like that and in the end I guess maybe I was looking at him that way and not getting anything in return. But that didn�t matter anymore. All I knew was they were in love and that was the reason Raven had been holding back. I hadn�t really understood before then why he hadn�t been beating him �til his knuckles were bloody before that, but then I knew. After what I�d done to him, leaving him like that, telling him it was wrong, he didn�t want to lose anyone else that way. He cared too much about Jeff to lose him. But he didn�t seem to understand that Jeff needed it doing to him as much as Raven needed to do it to him. I was there to give Jeff the opportunity so show him reality.

I beat him �til he bled then I threw him onto the bed. He was so beautiful like that that I could see exactly why Raven wanted him. He was amazing. But I tore my eyes off of him, I kissed Raven goodbye, I told him that I loved him, and I left. Now Raven understood. Now they could be happy. My work was done and I had to get back to Billy.

***

Sean was good for me. He�d just gotten out of a relationship with Kane that I�m never going to understand and I�m not sure I want to, and really I think in the beginning he was just looking for companionship or something. I guess I was too � I was trying to get over the single longest-running and most meaningful relationship of my life and really all I needed was to be with someone. I wasn�t looking for anything long term and I didn�t want a big commitment. But somewhere along the lines that got a little lost because two months on we were rooming together and I one night he told me he loved me. I kissed him and told him I loved him too without a shadow of doubt in my heart.

Then I hit him. I slapped him across his face as hard as I could, catching him completely by surprise. And he wasn�t the only one who was surprised. I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn�t meant to do it. I just suddenly hit him and watched as his head snapped to the side. I winced as he turned back to me with his eyes wide and his cheek turning red, and neither of us knew quite what to say. I wanted to say I was sorry, and I think he wanted to ask me what the hell I was doing, but instead I just reached out and stroked his cheek gently with the back of my hand. Suddenly I knew what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I lay him down and I made love to him so slowly and softly that I swear it almost drove us both insane. I showed him exactly how much I loved him. It was perfect. It was absolutely beautiful. Then I went into the bathroom, took a razorblade and went back to bed. The look on his face as I cut him was indescribable. I guess that was one of those rare occasions when the first time can be the best.

I think that night I finally understood the way Raven had felt all those years. He wasn�t hurting me just because he wanted me to hurt, he was actually hurting me to show me how he felt. He didn�t feel like he could show me the way he felt any other way. He could tell me he loved me but he didn�t believe I�d understand the depth of what he was feeling. I don�t know how to explain it, really. I mean, how do you explain to someone how causing pain is an expression of love? But for him it was. It was showing his passion. It was showing what loving me meant to him, what I meant to him. And I found myself doing the exact same thing to Sean, for the exact same reasons.

Just like I hadn�t, Sean didn�t understand. Only he had more character than to stay with me and let me do that to him. I think I broke his heart. I made him enjoy it for the time we were together, then he left me. He cried when he told me he was leaving. All I could do was tell him I understood. I didn�t think I�d ever talk to him again, except periodically he keeps coming back and we�ll talk for a while and sometimes we�ll end up in bed but we�re never going to get back together. I know he wants us to and in a way I�d like that too, but I couldn�t. I don�t want to break him the way Raven broke me.

Shane didn�t understand either. Shane Helms was the next guy after Sean. I�m not going to pretend for a second that I loved Shane, because I didn�t and I don�t want to lie. I liked him. And I started to realise while I was with him that I couldn�t find a real point to a relationship if I wasn�t inflicting pain. Raven�s not that way at all. He does it because he needs to, and he only does it to people he actually cares about. It�s an expression of his love and commitment and devotion. It�s that for me too, sometimes, but it�s also just for me. Sometimes, if it�s someone I don�t know, if it�s someone I don�t really care about, it�s even better because I�m only worrying about satisfying myself. Being with Shane taught me that was wrong, but also taught me that I could take someone who was reluctant as hell and leave him begging for more. I liked Shane. It was a shame I had to leave him.

Shannon didn�t understand either. Although what I had with Shannon was completely different from what I had with Sean, and from what I had with Shane. Shannon Moore, young, tiny little Shannon Moore, came to me and asked me outright to hurt him. His best friend and tag team partner, my wonderful ex, Shane Helms, had told him exactly what had happened between us, and he came to me to have me do the exact same things to him. I found it so intriguing that I couldn�t turn him down. Shannon was interesting, and he helped me hone my skills, but being with him was pointless in a way. He was such a masochist that no matter how much I hurt him he just loved it. Where�s the challenge in that? I want to find the point where they think they can�t take it anymore, then do something to turn it around so they beg for more. Shannon didn�t have that point. I put him in hospital seven times before I gave up on him and told him to go see Hunter.

After that there was Lance. Really that�s not even worth talking about. He just protested all the time but wouldn�t leave me. I actually tried to make him leave me. In the end it was a game � I was trying to see how far I�d have to push before he just told me to go fuck myself and walked out the door. Threatening to pin him to the wall with a nail gun did it. I guess there was something about the thought of having nails driven through his wrists that he didn�t find all that appealing. He should�ve known I wouldn�t have done it. I might�ve tied and gagged him and left him in the room for a couple of days, but I wouldn�t have nailed him to the wall. I may be slightly screwed up but I�m not murderous.

And after Lance I wasn�t really sure what to do with myself. I was alone really for the first time since I�d left Raven, and I guess I�ve come to realise I don�t like to be alone. But I couldn�t decide whether it was worse to be alone or to be with someone who I couldn�t be with the way I wanted to. If Sean had understood then we could�ve been happy. Actually, in the same way that I could�ve been happy back then with Raven, Sean and I could�ve been happy and we still could. If I took him back then we�d be happy for the rest of our lives. But it wouldn�t be a true happiness, like Raven has with Jeff. They�re so lucky to have each other. I really thought I�d never have a relationship that would work. I�d given up. I�d screwed up with Sean and Shane and Shannon and Lance, I�d fucked around with Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash and a couple of others who I thought might make good substitutes for Raven, and nothing had worked out. Probably because none of them were the right guy. Shawn treated me like just another of his conquests, Kevin like I was only good for a quick fuck, Taker like we were just good friends who just happened to be sharing a bed, and Bradshaw like I actually meant something.

You know, just as a little aside, being with Bradshaw was eerie. He�s this big tough bar-fighter of a Texan, the kinda guy you just wouldn�t want to get on the wrong side of while he�s drunk or at any other time really, the kinda guy you�d want on your side in a brawl, and yet there he was treating me like he might actually have needed me. Like he wanted me, like he liked me. I�m not going to say he loved me because I don�t think it had got that far, but he cared about me. He never once raised as much as his voice to me, let alone a hand. He really treated me right. Once upon a time that was all I wanted; I hoped for so long that Raven was going to turn into this perfect guy, the guy I�d always wanted, the guy who�d love me and make my life complete. He never did. I don�t want to say that Bradshaw could�ve, but he treated me that way. So why eerie? Because I realised with him that attitudes change. I didn�t want that anymore. I wasn�t the same guy anymore.

So there I was, sitting around wondering what the hell had happened to me that could�ve changed me so much, wondering if it was a bad thing or a good thing or if it even mattered and was just a thing. I couldn�t decide whether that made me a bad person. And I was alone. I was getting depressed and I didn�t know what to do. I was actually scared of what was happening to me and who I�d become. I started looking back at what I�d done to Sean, to Shane, Shannon, and mostly Lance. Lance had just wanted someone to be close to and I�d taken advantage of that. I felt awful. But it didn�t last long. Because right then Billy Kidman walked back into my life.

***

Billy was lying in our bed when I got back after the whole Jeff-beating thing. He was asleep, hugging a pillow to his bare chest, sheet twisted around his waist. I just smiled, shed my clothes and slipped into bed beside him, spooning up behind him. He sighed softly and leant back against me as I wrapped my arms around him. After ten minutes of breathing in the smell of his shampoo and his shaving foam and just him, I fell asleep too.

The knocking on the door woke us both up. It must�ve been loud because usually it takes an earthquake or a hurricane or a fire alarm to wake Billy up. He groaned and rolled over and shoved me in the chest. I guessed that was his way of telling me to go answer the door and I know better than to mess with early-morning cranky Billy so I pulled on a pair of track pants and padded over to the door, yawning as I opened it.

�Hey, Stevie. Sorry, didn�t mean to get you out of bed�, Raven said, the tone of his voice and the look on his face telling me the complete opposite.

�So why�d you practically break the door down?� I muttered, rubbing my eyes. �What time is it anyway? What are you doing here?�

�C�mon Stevie, it�s only eleven thirty�, he said, his tone annoyingly perky. �And well, I thought� maybe we could�� He turned to his left and beckoned. I gave him a questioning look as Jeff stepped into the doorway beside him.

�Raven? Jeff?�

Raven elbowed Jeff in the ribs and Jeff groaned, shoving his shoulder as he turned to me.

�Uh, hey. We wondered if you� and, uh, Billy� might like to, well, play�.

I smiled. �Jeff, are you asking me if Billy and I want to spend the night with you and Raven?�

Jeff grinned and nodded. Raven shrugged. �I think he put it pretty well�.

�You�d better come in then�, I told them, stepping back to let them into the room.

Jeff went over to the bed and sat down next to Billy while I took Raven over to the table in the corner. He leant back against it, folding his arms across his chest as he looked up at me and I looked down at him.

�So why are you here?� I asked, my voice just low enough so Jeff and Billy wouldn�t hear. �What do you want?�

He smiled. He has an amazing smile, the kind of smile that can make you do anything. �Jeff�s feeling a little, uh, energetic�, he said. �Since I don�t really want to have him let it out on me, I just wondered if��

�Me?� I squeaked. I mean, I actually squeaked. He chuckled and shook his head.

�Billy�.

�Billy? You want me to let Jeff� with Billy? Are you out of your mind?�

�Just think about it, Stevie � how hot would they look? We could just sit here and watch. Together. Doesn�t that sound like a good idea?�

When he put it like that, when he looked at me like that, I couldn�t say no. So I didn�t. I spoke to Billy for a second and he seemed willing enough, so I sat back against the wall at the foot of the bed, Raven sitting right there next to me, and we watched his lover beat and fuck mine. He was right. They looked hot together. But nowhere near as hot as he did riding me.

I�d never topped him before. If it�s even called topping when you�re sitting on the floor with someone sitting on you. We were slightly turned to the side and we weren�t watching each other, our heads were turned and we were watching Jeff and Billy go at it over on the bed. There�s something strange about seeing your lover being fucked by another man while you�re fucking your ex. But there�s something indescribably hot about it, too.

Raven groaned low in his throat as he came all over my stomach and I came deep inside him. He fell forward onto my chest and I just sat there stroking my fingers through that odd mop of braids, resting my chin on the top of his head and watching as Jeff shuddered collapsed on top of Billy. I smiled and nudged Raven, and twenty seconds later we were all tangled up in the bed together, Jeff and Billy in each other�s arms, me behind Billy and Raven behind Jeff. I kissed Billy�s shoulder and looked up into Raven�s eyes. He smiled. I guess that was when I finally realised how much I�d missed him.

***

I couldn�t believe that I�d actually managed to get through the last year without him. Lying there, his hand over mine, his thumb rubbing gently at my wrist, I couldn�t believe I�d ever managed to leave him. I knew I�d made a mistake. I was supposed to be with him and I was never supposed to have left him. But I had and things were different now. I couldn�t have him back because now he had someone else, and so did I.

I wanted to hold him. Or I wanted him to hold me, one or the other, and I wasn�t sure which. I was just lying there trying not to choke on my lover�s hair while I stared into my ex-lover�s eyes, wondering what I�d done. Suddenly I knew I could be happy with him. Not the way I was happy with Billy, but on an entirely different level. And I found myself wondering what I�d missed out on while we�d been apart. Except I guess somewhere deep down I already knew without thinking that if I�d stayed with him then I would�ve hated him more and more. I think I really did hate him back then � how is it possible to hate someone and love someone at the same time? But I did.

I couldn�t believe the situation I was in. I�d loved him right from the start, that much I knew for sure. And I�d always been sorry I�d left him, but up until then I�d been sure I�d made the right decision. For a second I had doubts. I saw the way he was with Jeff and I wondered if we could�ve been that way if I hadn�t left. Except then I knew that this new me, this me I am now and I think I always will be, couldn�t have come about without me leaving him. I had to find my new personality on my own. If I�d stayed then I never would�ve realised this potential. I think I would just have hated him more and more until either I left or I killed him, or he killed me. And now I knew all this, now I knew I could be happy with him, it was too late. Because now he had Jeff and they were in love like we never were. They were perfect for each other. I guess it�s a shame for them that it didn�t last.

We woke up the next morning and I took Raven for breakfast while we let Billy and Jeff sleep. We talked. Our food got cold. It was almost midday by the time we got back to the room, and when we stepped inside, Billy and Jeff weren�t there. We checked the room down the hall that Jeff was supposed to be sharing with Raven, and they weren�t there either. There was no sign of them. I started to panic and so did Raven. We just didn�t have a clue where they could be.

We turned up at the arena for the show later that day still with absolutely no idea where they were. Except then we walked into the catering area and there they were, sitting together in a corner on a tabletop, just the two of them. I turned to Raven and he shrugged. I don�t think either of us was sure whether we should go over there or not. We just stood in the doorway for maybe a minute, watching them. Then they walked over to us.

Jeff whispered something to Billy then tucked his multicoloured hair behind his ears and looked from Raven to me then back to Raven.

�We�re leaving you�, he said, then they left together. I wasn�t sure whether to laugh or cry.

***

They left us a week ago. I still have no idea why, and although I�d like to know, I don�t think I�m up to asking and I don�t think they�re exactly going to come tell us. We keep seeing them around, whispering conspiratorially in hotel foyers, holding hands in elevators, making out in locker rooms. There�s obviously no doubt that they�re together. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what made them leave. But like I say, I�m not going to ask. Because as much as I care that Billy left me, I�ve got something else now. I�ve got my Raven back.

We�re together again. Maybe it�s just because we�ve lost our lovers, but I can�t say I care because however it came about, the fact is we�re together. I�ve missed him so much. And I still do. He�s not the same anymore, even if he is. He�s not mine anymore. He still loves me, sure, but in his heart he belongs to Jeff. But that doesn�t matter. I�ll make him need me. He taught me well. I can do this. I have to do this. I don�t think I can live without him again. I�m not sure I�d want to.

It feels so good to be wrapped up in his arms, to feel his breath on my cheek, hear his voice beside my ear. It feels right. I feel safe and warm like I never want the moment to end. I love the way he lies beside me and traces the scars on my stomach. He does it so lovingly, so softly, his fingertips gliding over them, tracing the lines he made, the marks he made on me. They�ll be there forever. They mark me as his. Sometimes I look up at him as he does it and I can see the look in his eyes as he looks down at the scars. Sometimes I almost think he�s going to look at me, look me right in the eyes, and tell me he�s sorry.

Maybe in a way I�d feel better if he did. I mean, I�ve been waiting years to hear him tell me he�s sorry. Maybe just once I�d like to hear him tell me he didn�t mean it, that he thought it was what I wanted, that he didn�t mean to hurt me. Even if I already know it. I don�t care if I already know it. I think I need to hear him say the words.

Except I don�t. I really don�t. I don�t want to hear him say it. I don�t want to know if he�s sorry or not. It doesn�t make sense. Except maybe I don�t want to know because then what would I do? I want to think he doesn�t need to apologise. I want him to know he has nothing to apologise for. What he�s done to me has made me a better person. What he did means I can be happy with him now, and I think that�s what really counts.

But every time I see him, every time we�re lying together, I look into his eyes and I feel a twinge of sadness. I love him so much and it�s an amazing feeling to be with him again, but there�s something missing, there�s something wrong. And it�s not just because he�s wishing he could be with Jeff. It�s not because I�m second best for him. It�s not even because I know we�re going to have power issues if this goes on much longer. It�s because I know that when I look into his eyes, I�m wishing he was someone else. I�m wishing he was Billy.

I feel so confused I�m making myself ill. I love Raven more than I know how to put into words, and I�m wishing he could be someone else. But I guess I know why. All I have to do is think about him and Jeff, and I know why. It�s because� it�s because Billy is everything to me that Jeff is to Raven.

I miss Billy. I miss waking up next to him. I miss making love to him and seeing the smile on his face. I miss that adoring look he gives me while I�m cutting him. I miss how all he wants to do is kiss me while I�m trying to clean him up. I miss how much he loves me. I miss showing him how much I love him back. Because I do love him. I don�t think I realised until he left me, but I love him so much I don�t feel like me without him.

Still, Billy left me. Billy�s with Jeff now. And I�m with Raven. I finally got what I wanted. I�m with Raven. He loves me and I love him. We�re together. And he really does make me happy, just like I hope I do for him. We could live the rest of our lives together and we�d always be happy. And I�m grateful for this, really I am. I guess the only problem is every time Raven makes love to me, I know he�s thinking of Jeff. And every time I make love to Raven, I�m thinking of Billy. This isn�t the way it was supposed to be.

I just hope he understands that now I�ve got him back, no matter how we feel, I�m never going to let him go. Never.

***
End
***