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Title: Leaving
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I think maybe R. But a sorta high R �cause there *is* sex involved...
Content: Language, angst, mention of violence, and m/m sex. *giggles*
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: It�s Mikey/Tazz. It�s post-ECW invasion thingie.
Notes: My first Mikey/Tazz fic. This is Kimmy�s fault - I know it was supposed to be sappy but given the lyrics to �I�m Stupid� by Prime STH and my predisposition towards angst, what did you expect? Please forgive me my 3am-and-I-can�t-think-straight-ness because I�m not sure if this makes any sense. hehe.

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Leaving
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I don�t know how we ended up like this. It doesn�t seem quite right somehow, y�know? Except it is right, and I know that now. I guess I should always have known.

You�re so much stronger than me that I don�t think any of this is even going to affect you at all. Maybe it�s not fair to say that, and I don�t think I�ll ever say it to your face. There�s a lot I�ll never say to you, but especially this. I don�t think you�d take it very well if I told you I didn�t think you cared as much about me as I do about you. You�ve done so much to try to show me that you do care.

But you�re stronger than me, and I can�t pretend like I don�t know that. I think deep down we both know, y�know? Except you�re never going to admit it because I�m supposed to be the strong one here. But I�m not. Not when it really comes down to it. I don�t know what I�m going to do without you, I really honestly don�t.

The thing is that you really don�t have any reason to stay. I wish I could say that I�d given you a reason, but I never could. It�s not for lack of trying, though � I mean, I�ve done everything I can think of to make you stay with me. But I�ve given up now.

I had to give up. I couldn�t go on trying to fool myself anymore. I just looked into your eyes as you told me you were leaving and I knew there was nothing I could do or say to make you stay. And I guess I know it�s for the best. You�ve always known that. I wish I had.

I can�t believe I never realised it before now. I should�ve seen it right from the start. But obviously I�m not exactly known for my smarts. It just makes me feel even worse knowing that I believed there was some way this could work out between us when all the time you knew it couldn�t. I hate that I never saw that, y�know. And I hate that you knew but you let this happen anyway.

***

It started way back when we first started working together. Well, kinda it did, because for the first month or whatever I think you honestly thought I hated you. But I didn�t. I was just trying to make sure that you didn�t think I liked you at all because that would�ve been awkward. I didn�t want to make you feel uncomfortable around me. But you did anyway and I was sorry for that because I thought this wasn�t what you wanted.

And for a while I stayed away from you, because I thought you wanted me to. I stayed as far away from you as the job allowed. But you made the peace between us. You came to me and told me that you knew what I was feeling but you didn�t want it to ruin our relationship. That was a strange moment. For about a minute I just sat there and tried not to blush or whatever and couldn�t meet your eyes. I couldn�t believe that you knew and that you were being so matter-of-fact about it.

I almost wish you hadn�t been. Because that just made me feel worse about myself. If you�d hated me or you�d been repulsed or something then that would�ve been okay, it really would. It would�ve been better. I would�ve been able to hate myself because of it. But you made me feel okay about it, and I knew that wasn�t right. I didn�t want to feel okay about being attracted to you, because it just� we shouldn�t be able to be together, two guys like us.

But you didn�t cut me off; what you did was tell me that even if you didn�t feel the same way about me it was okay for me to feel like that because I couldn�t help it, and you didn�t want it to get in the way of our friendship. You said you were okay with it. And even though I couldn�t see how you could be okay about me feeling that way, you actually seemed like you were. You acted like nothing was wrong, like it was all perfectly natural. You sat there in that bar, you smiled and you shrugged it off.

I wish you�d yelled at me. I wish you�d told me I was sick. Anything. But you didn�t. And I�m not trying to say that any of this is your fault - because I�d never say that, because it just isn�t true, because all of it is all me � but if you�d just yelled and told me you never wanted to see me again then it would�ve all been okay.

Because at least if you�d done that then I wouldn�t have been able to persuade myself that there was still a chance that you could feel the same way about me.

***

I�m not going to kid myself � I�m in love with you. I think I have been since, well, a hell of a long time now. I�d like to be able to say that there was one moment I just sat there and knew that I�d fallen in love with you, but there wasn�t. I think it happened slowly, building up until one day I just knew that I was in love with you and it wasn�t like it had sneaked up on me because it felt right and I wasn�t surprised.

It felt right. What a joke. It felt right to me, and I can�t believe it ever did.

But I don�t think I told you how I felt until what was it, like a month ago? After the Austin thing. After he came out and beat you up. That was just a fucking cowardly thing to do. Hell, you�re not exactly a pro wrestler, now are you? You�re a commentator. You sit at ringside and you talk. You�re not supposed to get in on the action. But he took it too far and he hurt you.

I couldn�t believe what I was seeing when I saw what he did to you. And I couldn�t believe what I was feeling. I wanted to kill him, I swear to God I did, and I�ve never felt that way about anyone before. But when I saw him put his hands on you, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him the way he�d beaten you, then just keep going until he�d never be able to do it again. I still can�t believe I felt that way. It still makes me sick to think about it. Because if I�d been there and got to him then it would�ve taken half the goddamn arena to get me off of him.

But I got to you in the hospital. And I told you. I told you that I�d seen red the moment Austin had gone near you. I told you that I�d felt like I was going to throw up when they took you out of there because I didn�t know how bad you were hurt. I told you it made me think about what I�d do without you, and I couldn�t stop myself from telling you I loved you.

The look on your face when I said it was fucking priceless. You just looked up at me with this sort of mix of shock and I don�t know, maybe resignation? It was like you knew but you hadn�t expected me to say it right then. Then again, maybe it was just the concussion.

I wish you�d told me to go to hell right then and there, but you didn�t. You sighed and you lay back on the bed, closed your eyes and rubbed at your temples. Then you looked up at me and told me you appreciated the sentiment but you didn�t feel the same way about me. You told me I was your best friend and you didn�t want anything to ruin that, but you cared about me. Because we were best friends.

Then you asked me to take you back to the hotel, so I did.

You should�ve shot me down right then, but you didn�t. You should�ve done it because I took that as meaning there was still a chance for us. I took it as meaning that if we weren�t best friends then maybe there would�ve been a hope for us.

***

The next time I saw Austin I didn�t want to kill him. I just wanted to put him out of the business. But obviously it didn�t go quite the way I planned, �cause, well, look what happened. And you left me there.

Some people would�ve taken that as a sign, y�know. But not me. Because what I was feeling clouded my judgement so damn much I couldn�t see straight. Instead of thinking you didn�t care about me and taking it as a sign you didn�t care that Stone Cold was kicking my ass, I took it as meaning you knew that I�d want you to get out of there and not get yourself hurt again.

But I�m not saying that you didn�t care about me. I mean, I know you did. We were best friends, obviously you didn�t want to see me get my ass handed to me by the Federation champion, and all over you. But it would�ve made things one hell of a lot simpler if I�d thought you hated me.

And you shouldn�t have come to the hospital later that night. I wish you�d stayed away. At the time I was just lying there asking myself where the hell you were until you turned up, but thinking about it now then you could�ve done me a huge favour and not bothered. You should�ve gone back to the hotel and pretended like nothing had even happened.

Because if you had then none of *this* would�ve happened.

I asked you to get me out of that place � I�ve always hospitals and all I had was a concussion. I just needed to get some rest, and I didn�t need to be in a hospital bed with doctors and nurses fussing over me. The only problem was that leaving meant having someone stay with me, and that someone wound up being you.

I didn�t want to bother you. I tried to make you go back to your room so that maybe I could get some rest and you wouldn�t have to sit there and make sure I wasn�t dead or in a coma or something, like that�s ever going to happen. Hell, it�s not like I go skipping around like a complete jackass when I have a concussion � I may be stupid but I�m not that fucking stupid.

So you stayed. And I managed to keep my eyes open for like five whole minutes before I fell asleep pretty much fully clothed minus boots. I didn�t mean to, I guess I just couldn�t help myself. I think maybe if I�d been able to convince you that I didn�t need you to stay then this would�ve all turned out differently, but I couldn�t because of that damned concussion.

You stayed. And when I woke up in the morning you were still there.

You were sitting on the other side of the bed looking down at me. And I couldn�t help myself. For one second everything was just so clear. I had to do it. I sat up, I caught the back of your neck with one hand and I kissed you.

***

The thing that got me was that you didn�t push me away. I�d expected you to. I think I might even have wanted you to. But you didn�t. Hell, once you got over the surprise you actually kissed me back. I couldn�t believe it was happening. We were kissing. I�d been imagining it for months but nothing I�d imagined even came close to how it felt. Because I�d never been able to imagine you�d kiss back.

Then you pulled back and I hung my head. I thought that was it, that you were going to tell me you�d made a mistake and you were going to leave now. Except you didn�t � you tilted my chin up so I was looking at you, then you smiled and kissed me again.

I remember how my heart was hammering when you started to pull off my shirt. I�d never managed to come up with a fantasy even half as good as it felt to be actually doing it, and I hadn�t imagined that just you taking off my shirt could feel that way. You tugged it up and over my head, letting your fingers trail up my ribs, making me shiver �til I could feel my face burning and I was grinning like an idiot. You looked down at the shirt then back up at me and tossed it over your shoulder with a smile on your face.

Then yours followed and I was kneeling there on my bed trying to look like I was staring at you. I�m not going to pretend like I think you�re well built �cause we both know you�re not, and I�m not going to pretend like well built doesn�t usually turn me on, �cause it does. But with you that never mattered, �cause you�re just perfect. You�re slim and there�s not a fucking ounce of fat on your whole body. You�re pale and your skin�s so smooth� And you�re, you�re just goddamn beautiful. I never thought I�d be able to say that about someone like you, about someone who wasn�t more like me, but you�ve made me rethink a lot of things.

I wasn�t sure what to expect from you. I was nervous the whole time. I thought maybe it was a trick and you were just gonna get up and leave or laugh at me or something, but you didn�t. You pulled off all our clothes �til we were sitting there naked as the day we were born, and I still wasn�t sure what was going to happen. And I was trying to keep my eyes on your face or on your hair or the wall or something or anything to keep from looking down, because I knew I�d just sit there staring if I didn�t and I didn�t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

But you weren�t. You just weren�t, at all. You reached up and stroked my cheek and when I looked at you, you were still smiling. You just lowered your eyes for a second, sweeping them down over me, then looked back up and told me �it�s okay, you know. You can look at me�. But I couldn�t. I was just frozen to the spot. You swept your hand down my forearm and took my hand in yours, and when I frowned you told me �and it�s okay to touch me�.

And that�s what did it. I couldn�t stop myself from touching you after that. I felt like some big awkward fool the whole time, but I was with you and you didn�t seem to mind how clumsy or inexperienced I must�ve felt. I hated how I must�ve seemed, �cause it wasn�t like I�d never been with anyone before, but it was you and I wanted it to be perfect so bad that I couldn�t think straight and everything I�d wanted to do to impress you just went straight out the window. It was like it was my first time all over again.

I kissed you and my hands were in your hair as you moved us round so you could lie back and pull me down on top of you. When I looked at you you just seemed to know what I was thinking and you told me it was okay, that I wasn�t going to break you. I was so scared I was going to hurt you, �cause I mean, look at us. I weigh like twice as much as you. I didn�t want to hurt you �cause you were still bruised from that whole thing with Austin, just like I was. And you looked concerned when you saw the bruises, but it was okay. It wasn�t even like they hurt anymore because I don�t think anything would have �cause I was with you.

You lay back against the pillows and somehow I ended up kneeling between your thighs. My heart was beating so fast it felt like I was gonna have a coronary or something, and I didn�t know what I was supposed to do. You were just lying there looking so perfect, even better than I�d hoped, waiting for me to do something. But you weren�t impatient. You just wanted me to take my time and get it right, the way I needed to.

I ran my hands down over your thighs and I could feel you shivering. Then I went higher and the moment I touched you there you couldn�t stop yourself from bucking up into my hand. I looked at you and you shrugged, smiling, chuckling. So I touched you some more, faster and harder �til you were moaning and almost fucking writhing under me. God, that was so hot. You looked amazing.

But you looked up at me, caught my wrist with your hand and stopped me. I frowned. �I want you inside me�, you said.

I swear my heart almost fucking stopped when you said that, but somehow I managed to start thinking straight again and when I fished around at the side of the bed I found my bag. I�m sure there�s a reason that every pro wrestler I know carries around a bottle of baby oil in their gear bag, but it�s probably best not to think too much about that.

And before I really knew what was happening you�d grabbed the bottle and poured some of it out onto my hand. I looked at you and you just raised one eyebrow Rock-style so I almost expected you to say something like �Cole says what�s the fucking hold-up?� and nearly spilled the whole bottle over your crotch when I started giggling like a lunatic.

But then you grabbed a pillow and slid it under your hips, and suddenly I wasn�t laughing anymore. It wasn�t funny because I was kneeling on a bed between your thighs and I was about to take this thing to another level. I was about to make love to you.

I don�t think I�ve ever been with anyone as responsive as you. I mean, I had one finger inside you and you were writhing under me� You were breathing heavy just like me, scrunching up the sheets in your hands over and over, moaning � God, it almost finished me just listening to you. But it didn�t �cause I didn�t have the chance. You leant forward, took my wrist and looked up at me, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth as you grabbed the bottle, poured some out onto your hand and started rubbing it onto me. I�m kinda surprised I didn�t come right then, �cause damn that felt so good.

But then you were lying back again, and I moved over on top of you, pressing to you, making sure I was looking right into your eyes as I started to push into you. I didn�t want to hurt, and I wanted you to see how much it meant to me that we were doing this. I was looking into your eyes as you gasped and you must�ve seen the worry in my eyes �cause you just smiled. Then you wrapped your legs around me and pulled me in deeper.

***

It was perfect. Maybe kinda messy and kinda awkward, but for a first time it was perfect, �cause it was with you. It�s a fucking shame you can only have one first time in some ways. But then again I was so nervous that I wasn�t thinking straight. The next time and the next time and the time after that it just got better, but the look in your eyes and the feeling I got the first time we made love � I�m gonna remember that forever.

And for a week or so things were great between us. We were happy. I don�t think I�ve ever been that happy. We talked a lot and stayed in. We got to know every inch of each other the way I�d wanted to for months. I really thought things were good between us. I thought it was gonna work out. But then I got a call.

You took the news about the ECW angle well. Too well. We�d been together for such a short time� I didn�t want to have to leave you. I told you I wouldn�t. You told me I should.

I didn�t know what to say. I know, me, speechless. Doesn�t sound too likely, right? Well, I was. You told me I should go because it�d be great for my career. You told me sitting behind the announce desk was holding me back. You were basically telling me to leave you. But I knew I couldn�t. Because even then I thought we could work things out and be together. Even when you were telling me to leave you.

So I didn�t leave. You did. We were supposed to be sharing a room that night after Raw, but when I got back to the hotel you weren�t there. Your stuff wasn�t there. All there was was a note, saying you knew you I wouldn�t leave you so you thought it was probably best if you left instead, and not to come near you �cause we both knew it was for the best. I felt cold. I couldn�t believe I�d lost you.

I wanted to go to you right away, yell at you or beg you or whatever the fuck I could do to make you see that we could still be together even if you were commentating and I was back in the ring. I was ready to beg you to take me back. The next time I saw you I almost did. But then I looked into your eyes as you told me it was really for the best and you hoped I�d see that, and I realised. You�d been looking for a reason to leave me anyway. Just like you�d been looking for a reason never to be with me in the first place.

So I let you go.

***

It�s taken me the last week to understand this, but I think I get it now. I started questioning everything about us, and I came up with the answer. You knew that whatever there was between us was doomed. Right from the start, before it even started. You knew.

You knew what I should�ve known but was too busy denying and hoping to see. We�re too different for this to ever happen. I should�ve known that but I wanted it too much to see it. I loved you too much to see that it wasn�t going to work, and I didn�t want to admit that even trying to keep up a relationship with you was just fucking impossible. But you knew it from the start.

You tried to avoid it. That�s why you told me you weren�t attracted to me, that you didn�t want me that way, even if I know you did and you do. When it came down to it you had as little resolve as I did, just more understanding. You gave in to what we both wanted. But then this whole thing just blew up out of nowhere and showed you that you were right all along. So you left me. You knew that if we stayed together we�d just be fooling ourselves that this was okay.

And I really think you�ll be okay. I think you�ll get over me. It�s not your fault you�re stronger than me, even if sometimes it feels like it. You should be hurting like me, but you won�t because you knew this was going to happen right from the start. You should be hurting so bad you want to come back to me and make it work. Except it never can. We�ve both got ambition and we�ve both got careers, and they�re taking us in separate directions. We stay together and we�ll just end up hating each other.

And you know what the worst thing is? It�s knowing that I love you so much and I still can�t make things right. It�s a fucking desperate feeling, knowing you want something so much but it�s completely fucked up and there�s not a single fucking thing you can do fix it. You knew this was beyond hope. That�s why you tried to keep it from happening. It kills me to know we both want this but it can never work. We can�t be together. Frustrating as it is and no matter how much I hate it, it�s true.

So maybe it�s a good thing you left. Because I could never have left you. If you hadn�t left me I never would�ve seen how we can�t be together, I would just�ve kept on dreaming and trying to hold us together and denying that we were falling apart. So maybe it�s a good thing you left, even if it feels like I�m still falling apart without you. It�s such a fucking shame that something that felt so good could have no future.

And the only thing that makes this any better is knowing that in spite of everything, in spite of everything you�ve said and the fact that you left me, you love me too.

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End
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