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Lizzie�s kinda almost New Year Resolution: no more Deathfic!! Starting today. Although with these odd new muses I seem to have acquired, I have no idea how long I�ll keep this up�

Title: Last Dance
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected] / [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form. Also don't own the song �Last Dance� by The Cure.
Distribution: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Break-up and reunion, the Chris and Chris way.
Notes: A dodgy kinda �thank you, I think� to Frala for writing �I Find in You� which seems to have landed me with a Benoit-muse. My Jericho-muse will be eternally grateful. And the title and inspiration for the fic come from the song of the same name by The Cure.

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Last Dance
by Lizzie
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I�ve missed you. You�ve been gone so long and I haven�t been able to see you. There was no way I could. You know what the schedule�s like. I couldn�t get away. And you couldn�t come to me. So we haven�t seen each other. And I�ve missed you. Really I have. Have you missed me?

I don�t think you have. I think you�ve enjoyed our time apart. Maybe it�s cruel of me to say that, but it�s how I feel. While I�ve been travelling around trying to act like nothing�s wrong and worrying like hell about you, I think you�ve been glad to be away from me these last few months, no matter what you�ve said. I want you to tell me that�s not the way it is, I want you to prove me wrong. Go ahead. I�ll be waiting.

Except you�re not here. You could be and a few minutes ago you were, but you�ve left again and it doesn�t matter that I know you�re only just down the hall because you�ve left me alone. The first night we�ve been together in months and you�ve left me alone.

***

You turned up today unexpectedly. I thought you�d be stuck in Edmonton but I walked into the locker room and you were there, sitting on a bench with Hunter and Kurt, a smile on your face and a brace on your neck. I almost couldn�t believe you were there and I wasn�t seeing things. But you turned toward the door and smiled at me, and I knew it was you. Without thinking, I smiled back.

I was so happy to see you. Because despite what you may think, I really have missed you. More than I thought I would. The way you left, I would�ve thought I could�ve lived without you without thinking about you, without missing you. But I couldn�t. I�ve thought about you too much. I�ve remembered every second we spent together, every little detail whether good or bad. I�ve dwelt on everything I did wrong, everything I did on purpose to annoy you, everything I did without thinking that could�ve driven you away. I�ve tortured myself while you�ve been away. And I was so happy to see you.

And in that split second when you first noticed me in the doorway, I could almost have believed you were happy to see me too. There was that light in your eyes like there always used to be when I walked into a room. But then it was gone and you were smiling a hollow smile. I dropped mine and turned to walk away.

�Chris�, you called across the room. I froze, my hand on the door. �Don�t go. Look, guys, we�ve got some catching up to do. I�ll catch you later�.

I didn�t stop. I walked out of the room and walked away as fast as I could without actually breaking into a run. My heart was pounding too hard in my chest and I felt cold all over. I didn�t want to see you. Much as I really, really did, I couldn�t. There were memories there that I didn�t want to deal with. You brought them all back.

But you ran, and you caught me. You lay your hand on my shoulder and stopped me in the corridor. And then I had to stop, had to turn and face you. You pushed me back against the wall. I had to meet your eyes.

�I should have called first�, you said. I nodded.

�Yeah, you should�.

�But I knew you wouldn�t see me if I did�.

You were right - I wouldn�t have. Not after everything you said. I missed you, yeah, but I didn�t want to see you. I thought about asking for some time off, flying or driving or whatever up to Canada and turning up at your place, but I knew I couldn�t do it. Because I didn�t want to see you. Strange really, when I couldn�t cope with being without you.

�What do you want?�

�I want to apologise. I was wrong. I shouldn�t have said what I said. Chris, I�m sorry�.

And just like that everything was forgiven. It wasn�t right and I can�t figure out how you can do this to me, but suddenly nothing mattered except the fact you were saying you were sorry. When you stepped forward and pressed your lips to mine, I didn�t try to stop you. I kissed back. In fact, I think it was me who suggested we get back to the hotel. Stupid me. As fucking usual.

***

We had a drink together in the hotel bar. We talked about your rehab, about work, about friends, and all the time I was just thinking how different you looked. Except you looked exactly the same, and I didn�t understand why I was thinking it. I tried not to stare at the brace around your neck. I tried to concentrate on my drink and the glass and the ice in it and not on your eyes or your hands or the way your top couple of shirt buttons were undone and I could see inside to the smooth definition of your chest. You were driving me insane and all we were doing was talking.

Then we were in the elevator, then your room, then your bed and somehow we ended up naked with you buried inside me, me trying to get fucked and not hurt your neck at the same time. It was insane. I didn�t go to the arena today expecting to end up trying not to re-injure someone�s neck with bedroom acrobatics. Especially yours. I thought you were in Canada. I thought you still wanted nothing to do with me.

It was just the same as ever, but completely different. It was you and me, together, as close as we could be, and I felt love. I felt you inside me, I felt your lips on mine, saw your eyes locked on mine, heard the moans and my name as you came in me. I felt our stomachs sticky with my come. I ran my hands over your chest, felt the muscles beneath the surface, felt the familiar tickle of stubble that brought a smile to my lips. Except there was something missing. I felt cold inside. I felt empty. I didn�t know whether you wanted me back long-term or if you just wanted a warm body for the night. Over the years I�ve been both.

Then we were lying together under the sheets, limbs twined, your heart beating next to mine. And I thought maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be okay.

I still don�t know whether I was wholly wrong. Because fifteen minutes later you left the bed, dressed and left the room. You told me you had to go call someone, and I wanted to tell you not to go, I wanted to stop you and make you stay with me, tell you that you just couldn�t leave, but I lay there and let you go. I�m such a fucking idiot. I should never have let you go. Because why exactly did you have to leave the room to use your fucking cell phone? Only one reason I can think of - you didn�t want me to hear the call.

Bret would be on the other end. You think I don�t know, but I�ve always known. You�re in love with him and have been for years. About as long as I�ve been in love with you, give or take. Don�t worry, it doesn�t hurt to know it. At least not as much as it used to, but then again it always used to feel like someone was gouging out my heart with a particularly blunt spoon. I don�t know whether you were telling him you�d be home soon or that you�d just fucked your ex or that you weren�t coming back. I honestly don�t know if you�re still with him. All I know is you left me for him. Again. Back before you got injured. And really it doesn�t matter. I know you�re not going to leave me again, one way or another.

I guess now all I can do is wait for you to get back.

***

We were together for almost a year the last time. Before that maybe six months, before that maybe a year and a half. We�ve definitely always been an on-again-off-again couple. Just like you and Bret. When we were off, the two of you were on. Don�t think I don�t know the way it works. You�d leave me and the next week you�d be back with Bret. You�d leave Bret and the next week you�d be back with me. I don�t know why either of us puts up with you, except obviously I do because I�m in love with you.

Except you know, I really thought I never wanted to see you again this time. After the horrible way you told me you were leaving.

You woke me up one morning, back when we still had the tag belts and we were still rooming together, and as I looked up at you, frowning, you told me you were leaving. That I could�ve coped with because it wouldn�t have been a shock. You always leave me eventually. But this time what you said really hurt me.

You looked down at me, you narrowed your eyes slightly like you were studying my face, you brushed a stray strand of my hair back behind my ear and you kissed my forehead. I was prepared for you to say �I�m leaving you, Chris�. I really was. But that�s not what you said.

�I was watching you sleep�, you told me. �You were frowning, your lips were moving slightly. You know, like when you�re dreaming. You�re cute when you sleep, y�know. And I was trying to figure out what you were dreaming about. Sometimes I do that. I think about what we�ve done during the day and wonder if you�re dreaming about it. I wonder if you�re dreaming about me or about someone else or if you�re having a good dream or a nightmare. Sometimes I can tell from the expression on your face. Sometimes you hold me slightly tighter and I�ll kiss you and know you�re dreaming about me. But just now I was watching you sleep and wondering what you were dreaming� and y�know, I realised I just don�t care�.

You left the bed, pulled on your clothes.

�I�m leaving, Chris�, you said at last, and walked out of the room.

***

I love you. I have done for years. And you tell me that you love me, except I�ve never quite believed it, only in the moments we�ve been together. As soon as you leave me I start to wonder. I know you�re in love with Bret and for all I know you�re just using me for sex and pretending like you love me to get into my pants. It�s a horrible thought and I don�t know how I can think it because most of the time when you�re around I think you love me, but I can�t help it because I�m just so damned insecure. I hate feeling this way.

I was too young when I met you and I was too young to know better when we got together. Bret�s older than you. I think maybe you think I�m na�ve and inexperienced compared to him, except you should know that I�m not. You do know. I�ve proved that over and over. Of course it meant I had to do a little practice, but it�s not like any of them meant anything to me. You�re the only one who�s ever meant anything to me. You still are. Obviously, since you�re the only one who could ever get away with hurting me the way you do, over and over. You just make me so happy when we�re together that somehow I forget what it�s like every time you leave.

I wish you�d stop. I wish you�d make up your mind and either walk out for good or make some kind of commitment. I don�t want to live day-to-day wondering if you�re going to leave me again, or if you�re going to come back to me again. It�s no way to live, Chris. Make up your fucking mind already. I can�t wait forever. I�m not the same person anymore, even if I still love you. I�m older and I�m wiser, God help me if I�m not prettier, and there are others out there I could be happy with. I�m not gonna pretend like I haven't been with other people, and any one of them I think I could be happy with. It�s just that I want you as much as I always have. But if you�re just gonna keep ripping out my heart every few months and expect me to take you back, you�re sorely fucking mistaken.

So this will be the last time. I can�t do this anymore. When you get back I�m going to make you choose. One way or the other, finally, this is going to be the last time.

In a way I�m glad you came here tonight. It hit me just before you kissed me, that even if this isn�t as shiny and new and as passionate and hot, even if we can�t kiss with all the fire and need of new lovers, I still want you. Even if we�re never as happy as the first time, even if we never recapture what we�ve lost, I don�t want to be without you. I still love you. We�ve been through so much and I don�t want to throw that away.

I�ll ask you and whatever you say, I�ll try to respect your decision. I can only hope you know what you�ll be leaving if you leave me. Because I could love you forever. For the rest of your life and beyond. But leave me now and there�ll be no coming back.

I�m glad you�re here. Now can be our last dance. Because love me or leave me, this dance has to end.

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End
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