Title: Imperfection
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Content: Hmm, not a lot. A little angst, perhaps a little language, I don�t know. Like it matters, �cause no one ever reads these content warnings.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form.
Distribution: Some people out there know they can have it if they want it. And anyone else: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Why Kurt�s leaving Hunter.
Notes: Title stolen from an episode of Voyager, but the idea�s nothing the same.

***
Imperfection
***

I can�t stay with you. I think you know it but you just don�t know you know it yet. And I don�t know how to tell you so I think maybe I�ll just have to leave and let you find out for yourself.

But when I go, I don�t want you to feel it�s your fault I�m gone. It won�t be. This doesn�t mean I love you any less, or that I never did at all. This doesn�t mean you drove me away or I couldn�t stand to be around you anymore, at least not in the sense you�d mean it. You haven�t done anything wrong so I hope you don�t blame yourself.

And it�s not like there�s someone else, either. That�s the next conclusion you�ll jump to, that I�m having an affair and I�m leaving you for him, whoever he may be. You�ll ask yourself who it is and what it was you did that drove me to him. But Hunter, you didn�t do anything. And there�s no one else, there could never be. You�re the only one I want. I just can�t stay with you.

It�s got nothing to do with us working together. If anything that just made it even better for us to be together, because we got to be together all the time. If either of us were in a different profession, we wouldn�t even have got together in the first place. I would never have met you. I might�ve watched you on TV every once in a while, but I might never have even known your name.

It�s not even the fact that you�ve been injured for so long and we haven�t been together that often lately. If anything that�s just made me love you even more � y�know, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. It made me realise how much I�d miss you if you weren�t around. It made me realise how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you.

Stephanie doesn�t figure in the decision either. I know you know I know she looks down on us being together, but how she sees us doesn�t bother me. What other people think isn�t the problem because I don�t care what anyone thinks. I love you. You love me. We�re together and that�s all that matters. Mattered. Whatever. This is going to take some getting used to. If I ever can.

And it�s not Vince and it�s not Shane, and it�s not Chris or Chris or any of my exes. It�s none of yours, either. It�s not some face from my past that made me realise what a mistake I�m making being with you. It�s not a superior frowning on me. It�s not even my family because while I know my brothers aren�t exactly thrilled, they�ve accepted you. And my mother loves you. Opinions don�t matter.

I�m not taking another job and moving away. I�m not settling down. I�m not suddenly gonna turn up with a wife and three kids and shock the heck outta you saying I�m suddenly straight. I�m not dying. I�m not gonna kill myself. I haven�t fallen out of love with you, I haven�t changed my mind about always wanting to be with you, and this is not your fault.

Remember that. This is not your fault.

***

I wonder if you ever feel or have ever felt the way I feel right now. As I sit here and watch you, I can�t quite believe you ever have. I�m not sure it�s in your nature, and I�m glad it isn�t. That�s part of what makes me love you like I do.

You�re perfect. Sometimes I think that�s what drew me to you in the beginning, except I know it was really you who came after me before I�d even thought about you that way. You walked across the room with that perfect walk, that little swagger, an almost-smirk on your face, and you asked me out. I gawped at you for a second or thirty, then nodded. And that�s how it started.

I�m not gonna say I hadn�t noticed you before that � I mean, you were the best in the business and just about the best looking guy in the locker room, so I can�t say I hadn�t noticed you and mean it. I�d just been concentrating on my career, �cause when we met I wasn�t all that sure of myself and I was trying to get comfortable with what I was doing, get used to the lifestyle. I thought you were attractive but I wasn�t going to go up to you and ask you out on a date or anything, especially as for a start I was pretty sure you were straight. Maybe I was being na�ve, but I just kinda assumed you were with Stephanie. Or Chyna. Or any of the other girls, for that matter. But I was attracted to you, yes.

And a couple of times I�d catch myself staring at you, or fantasising about you, wondering what it�d be like if we got together, what it�d be like if we dated, if we got serious, if we wound up in bed together. I actually fantasised about you, purposely, lay in bed and thought about you, thought up situations where we might be alone together, about kissing you and you wanting me as much as I wanted you. But I was sure that was just pure fantasy, and I was never gonna get more out of it than a pretty picture in my head and sticky sheets.

I thought you were perfect. I�d watch you backstage or in the ring and I�d think you were a vision of perfection. You�re amazing to look at and you know it, like a work of art. I can�t find a single thing wrong with you physically. Muscular, perfectly proportioned, tanned, blonde hair that really is stunning when you don�t wet it down� you really are amazing to look at.

And watch. You�re amazing to watch. When you walk, when you move, everything you do is just magic to watch. It�s hard to say what it is about you, this indefinable quality that makes me completely incapable of tearing my eyes off you. It�s a kind of effortless grace, but you�re not really graceful. The way you move like a cat or something like that, dumb as that sounds. Maybe it�s confidence, because you�re always so confident and it shows in everything you do. You�re sure of yourself in every situation. I really envy you that.

So yeah, maybe it�s confidence. You�re just as comfortable out there in front of thousands as you are with a group of friends as you are with your boss as you are alone with me. You know yourself and what you want and what you�re capable of so I guess maybe that�s where the confidence comes from. You know exactly how good you are and how people see you and how people react to you; it�s like nothing ever fazes you because you can read every situation so well. I love that about you. There�s nothing you can�t deal with.

But that�s part of the problem. You�re just so much better than me.

***

That�s not supposed to be an accusation, it�s just the way it is. I understand that and I�m not blaming you for it. You�re better than everyone I�ve ever known. Sometimes it�s comforting to know you�re so much better than me, because I know that whatever happens you�ll be able to protect me. But mostly it�s just terrifying, and that�s why I have to leave you.

I love you. I don�t think I could ever not love you, because you�re just perfect. There�s never a moment when you�re unsure of yourself or what you�re doing. Even when you haven�t got a clue it doesn�t seem that way because you�re willing to get things wrong and laugh it off in the name of learning. Everything just comes so easily to you. I�m not like that.

You don�t feel the way I feel. Ever. I feel like this all the time. That�s the problem.

I feel awkward. I feel like my hands are the wrong shape and my arms are the right size and everything about me�s out of proportion. I feel like the imperfections in me are there for everyone to see and it makes me feel ill just thinking about it. It�s like everything I hate about myself is right on the surface and everyone sees it all the time. It�s like everyone can see every little thing that�s wrong with me and nothing else, and I know it�s insane but that�s how it feels. It�s kinda like I�m a big ball of imperfections and I�m the only one who�s like this. I�m inferior. I�m not saying I don�t know I�m good at what I do or that people find me attractive or that I have good qualities, because on some level I know all that, I understand it intellectually, even if I don�t feel it. I just don�t feel right.

I�m not sure if you�ll ever understand all this, you being you and all. You�d tell me I�m being stupid because you don�t think I�m that way at all. You love me. You think I�m perfect. But y�know, no one�s perfect, at least not �til you love them. Except maybe you. I thought you were perfect even before I loved you.

When we�re together I can�t stop wondering why you�re with me. You could have anyone. You could be with someone who�s so much more than me, someone who�s better looking, someone who�s more intelligent and more fun and better at their job. You could have someone who�s not quite this neurotic, someone who�d love you like you deserve to be loved without feeling jealous of your confidence the way I am. And someone who doesn�t resent you for the way you make them feel the way I do.

Because I do, Hunter. I love you so, so much, but I resent you. Sometimes I feel terrible when I�m with you, �cause you make me feel so bad about myself. It�s not your fault I know, because you don�t know you�re doing it. It�s me. Because sometimes when I�m with you I feel so self-conscious that it cripples me. I feel like I�m less of a person than you, like I�m worth less, because you�re so much better than me, because you�re perfect and I�m, this. I love you and I wish I could be with you forever, but being with you sometimes makes me feel like I don�t even deserve to be alive.

***

I remember a match we had once. You beat me and all through the match I was just thinking how much better you were at it than me. I felt like everything I did was just a little off and everything you did was inch perfect. I�d step wrong and jar my ankle, fall wrong and jar my neck, making all these little stupid mistakes when you weren�t making any. I must�ve watched the tape a hundred times and I can�t find a single thing you did wrong. You�re just awesome. That�s why you�re the best.

But y�know, it wouldn�t be so bad if it was just in the ring, but it�s not. It�s everything, everywhere, all the time. We walk down a street together and I feel like a poor imitation of you, nothing quite right, awkward and foolish next to you. There�s just so much confidence in every little thing you do, from wrestling to working out to just walking or brushing your hair. I feel so clumsy when I�m with you. I don�t feel like I deserve to be with you.

It�s better when I�m with other people. I never felt this way with Chris or Chris, and I don�t feel this way around most of the guys, at least not most of the time. I�m not saying I never feel it around other people, but it�s not as bad when I�m not with you. Sometimes I feel like I�m in over my head and I�m nervous and it�s kinda like I�m wearing every single imperfection I have right on my sleeve, but I�m more at ease with it. Before you I�d made my peace with my imperfections. Now they feel achingly obvious and I hate that.

I hate that being around you make me feel this way, because being in love isn�t supposed to be like this. I�m not supposed to feel like some inferior kinda non-person around the man I love. You�re supposed to make me feel good about myself because you love me, and I know you do. You�re supposed to make me want to be with you. I�m not supposed to feel relieved when you walk out of a room, and I hate myself for that. I love you. So much it hurts. I should want to be with you all the time, not breathe a sigh of relief when you leave.

So that�s why I have to leave you. One day you�ll notice the look on my face as you walk out, or you�ll see how I am when you�re not with me, and you�ll realise something�s wrong. You�ll think I�ve fallen out of love with you, you�ll think you�ve done something wrong and that I�m just with you because I know you love me. I don�t want you to think it�s your fault I am the way I am, ever. So I have to leave you, before you think that, before you realise I hate you for how you make me feel just because I am who I am, before I make you feel like you�re at fault here. None of it�s your fault. I just can�t be with you because� because you�re perfect.

I adore you, Hunter. I have you up on a pedestal, this perfect being who I love and worship and need so much it hurts. I love you and I always will. But I�m not good enough for you. I�m too imperfect.

***
End
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