***

Title: For You
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: A pretty solid R.
Content: Violence, angst, graphic self-injury, and mentions of m/m sex, attempted suicide and incest.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Another one of these damned stories in this series. Follows �Yours�, �His�, �Mine� and �For me�.
Notes: This one�s a bit different. I�m not sure if the first person present tense narrative really works, but it�s the only way I could do this part and have it in Jeff�s POV, which is what it had to be.

***
For You
***

I used to like bars and I used to like drinking. But now I don�t trust myself to drink, because God only knows what I could end up saying. And if I�m going to say it at all, I don�t want to it to be while sitting in a bar, drunk off my ass, yelling over the bad country music and in front of all my friends. I�ve got no intention of saying it at all, let alone in front of a bunch of drunk Canadians in the middle of a bar in Texas. So now I�m with them I�ve just grabbed a couple of beers then stuck to Coke. It�s hard not to just think �fuck it� and drink �til I can�t stand, but I guess I know that if I do I�m bound to tell someone. And I do not want that.

Or else I could do something worse. I could find myself all over him like the Chrises are right now. I could go over there and sit myself in his lap and kiss him or something. That�s a hell of a scary thought. Because as much as it�s making me crazy that I can�t touch him and I can�t be near him and I can�t feel his lips or his hands or his skin on me, as much as I want that, actually doing it right here and right now would be the worst thing I could possibly do. I don�t even want to think what his reaction would be, let alone everyone else�s. I can just see their faces, the exact damn expressions they�d have. I mean, as if it isn�t bas enough that he�s a guy and he�s my friend, he�s also my big fucking brother.

So here I am in this damned bar with my friends, sitting in a corner trying to keep quiet and out of what I guess passes for conversation in this place while they laugh and get through what�s starting to look like a never-ending stream of beers. Usually no one bothers me and they�re not doing tonight. I guess they�ve gotten used to me acting this way. They should have, they�ve had long enough to adjust. I used to be fun and we used to have a good time, but that�s all in the past. And mostly I think the only reason they put up with me is because Matt�s still kinda fun. He may be slightly less disturbingly enthusiastic then the rest of them, but he�s still a hell of a lot more fun than I am right now, that�s for sure.

I sigh as I watch him across the table. He�s sitting between Adam and Jay, grinning like an idiot as he spills beer down the front of his T-shirt and Jay drunkenly tries to mop it up with a napkin with a huge grin on his face, too. He looks happier than he has done in months, and I can�t help thinking that it�s my fault he�s never happy. �Cause I don�t care what he says, it really is my fault. He hates what I do to myself and it brings him down. I wish he wouldn�t let it get to him, but I guess he doesn�t have much choice in that, �cause I�m his baby brother and all he can do is stand by and watch while I slowly take myself apart in front of him.

I shouldn�t be here. If I can�t drink then I�m pretty sure I can�t enjoy myself, and if I can�t enjoy myself then what�s the point in me being here? I�m just sitting here trying not to stare at Matt or wonder what it�d be like to be able to be sitting over there with him like Chris is with Chris. I�m just torturing myself and I�ll wind up ruining everyone�s evening. This is so pointless. I should leave. I need to get out of here.

�Listen, guys, I�m gonna head back to the hotel�.

I haven�t got a clue what any of them are trying to tell me over the music and the attempted conversation, and I don�t really care. But I could guess what Matt�s saying without even seeing his lips move. He�s asking me if I�m okay, if I want him to go with me.

�Yeah, I�m fine. I just� I just have a� headache. Stay, I�ll be fine. See you later�. And he�s nodding.

Usually he�d insist on coming with me, but he�s had too much beer to be thinking straight. And I�m glad. That means I might be able to get back to the hotel and be asleep before he gets in, so maybe for once I won�t have to go to sleep thinking about him. If I fall asleep fantasising about him making love to me just one more time I swear I�m going to go insane.

***

According to my watch it took me eleven minutes to get here from the bar down the block. So much for keeping the hotel location secret, I guess, because the moment I was anywhere near the front of the place I was practically mobbed by fans. I�m not really complaining �cause they�re the reason I�m here, but I just so don�t feel like signing autographs right now. I�m exhausted. I just want to get into the room and get to sleep. Which with these pathetic key card things that don�t seem to be working too good, that�s easier said that done. C�mon, you fucking card! Why will it work for Matt but not me? Am I just dense or is this really hard? �Fuck!! What the fuck are you doing here?!� I�m screaming as I stumble back against the door, knocking it shut behind me. And exactly what the fuck *is* he doing here? He�s the last person I wanted to see tonight and I thought I�d made that clear to him. It�s like� 11:49pm, and he�s sitting here in my room like he owns the fucking place. How the fuck did he get in? The only people with keys are me and Matt. I know I didn�t give him mine and Matt sure as hell didn�t give him his. Bastard. It�s just like him to turn up like this, just when I wanted to be alone. It�s terrifying that he can do this.

�I�ve been waiting for you�, he says. Like that makes it okay that he�s broken into my fucking room. God, that�s exactly how he said it, like it�s really okay for him to be here. Sometimes he�s sorta irrational like that, like the smallest thing can make it okay for him to do exactly what he wants. After a while, once you get past the annoyance factor, it�s even kind of endearing. In a sort of creepy, abnormal way. Come to think of it, most of whatever I have with Hunter�s creepy and abnormal. Half the time I don�t know whether I�m scared of him or not, because this is what he thinks a normal relationship should be like. But mostly I know I�m scared of him. �We need to talk, Jeff�.

Shit, I hate the way he says my name. There�s only ever two ways he says it � like I�m ten years old or like he�s saying it now, like I�m the only thing in the world that means anything to him at all. Both of them make me feel about three inches tall. And this one makes me want to cry, too. I don�t know how he does this to me. He shouldn�t be able to. It�s not right and it�s not fair. Why should someone like him be able to control me like this? He shouldn�t be able to make me care about how he feels.

�Fuck, Hunter, what the fuck do we need to talk about that�s so important you have to break into my fucking room in the middle of the night?� I�m cringing at the sound of my voice. I sound so damn angry, and I guess I am in a way, but I shouldn�t be. I should be used to this. I just don�t want to upset him. Damn, why is it so important that I don�t upset him? Maybe because he�s always so careful not to upset me, I don�t know. He�s always so careful with me, like I�ll break if he says the wrong thing.

�It�s not the middle of the night�, he says, like that makes any difference. �And I needed to talk to you. It�s important�.

The tone of his voice makes me believe it is, and suddenly I�m not mad anymore. I don�t care that he�s probably resorted to bribery to get into my room, I don�t care that Matt could be back at any moment, I don�t care that I told him I didn�t want to see him this week. None of that matters. God, I wish he didn�t have this effect on me. I can�t keep my eyes off him. I fucking hate him, but I can�t keep my eyes off him. He says it�s important. I believe him.

And now I don�t want him to leave. If it�s important to him then for some reason I don�t understand it�s important to me. Everything I do when I�m with him is just for him. Just like that, I give in.

***

�So, why are you here?� I�m asking. Again. Like an idiot. Still sounding angry but knowing I�m not and hoping he knows I�m not.

�We need to talk. And I needed to see you�.

�Couldn�t this have waited �til the morning?� Hell yes, it could.

�No, it couldn�t. It�s important. I needed to see you�. Why? Why can he never get straight to the point? Does he think I�m psychic or something?

�So you came to my room? How did you even get in, anyway?� �Well, it�s great to know how this hotel values my privacy� Look, oh God, Hunter, just tell me what you came here to tell me. Please�.

�Just come over here and sit down, Jeff�. So I do. �Thanks. I needed to see you. I haven�t seen you for what, three weeks now? Did you dye your hair?� Can we say �stupid question�?

�Yeah. But you didn�t bribe a maid to get into my room and ask me if I�ve dyed my hair�.

�I guess I�� He trails off.

What the hell is this? Hunter�s never lost for words. And he�s looking down at his hands and he�s got them folded in his lap as he�s sitting on the end of the bed, folding them over and over. He looks nervous. The only other time I�ve ever seen him nervous was the day we met, and after that he�s never been like this around me. He�s always been strong and almost irritatingly together.

Oh God, he�s beautiful like this. Where the fuck did that thought come from? This can�t be happening.

�Hunter�, I�m saying, practically fucking cooing, shifting over so I�m closer to him and I tilt his chin with my hand so he�s looking at me. The look in his eyes is just heartbreaking. I can actually see tears, I swear. He�s gonna cry? Damn, this is so bad. What have I done? �Hunt, what is it?� I can�t stand to see him like this. If he cries then I think I might cry too.

�Jeff�� His voice breaks and he�s smiling in spite of himself, his gaze straying to the ceiling because he can�t look at me. He clears his throat. �Jeff� Why is this so hard to say?�

What am I doing? This probably isn�t a good idea. But I�m doing it anyway. I�m slipping off the bed and kneeling, leaning back on my heels between his knees as I take his hands and look up at him. Why am I doing this? I shouldn�t really care what he feels and I shouldn�t be trying to make him feel better. He�s been beating me and cutting me and generally using me as his fucking punch bag for the last six months. I hate him, I know I do. But if I hate him then why am I doing this?

�Hunter, look at me�, I�m saying. He looks at me. �Hunt, it�s okay. Whatever it is, it�s okay�.

He frowns. I can see the look in his eyes � he�s asking himself if it could really be that easy, if I�m being honest with him. I just want to ask him what reason I�ve got to lie to him. I�ve never had any reason to lie to him. And I want to ask him why it shouldn�t be that easy, what it is that he�s trying to say. But I�m not sure I can. I�m not going to.

�It�s going to be okay?� he asks, that same look of distrust him his eyes. �Just like that?�

I nod. �Whatever it is, it�s gonna be fine�. And I mean it. I don�t know why, but I do. I�m just looking at him there, and I want to make everything okay for him. I don�t love him, I don�t even fucking like him, but there�s something tugging at my insides telling me that I have to make things better.

�How�s it going to be fine, Jeff?� Oh God, it sounds just like his heart�s going to break. �How�s it going to be fine if you�re leaving me? I love you. What do you think it�s going to be like for me without you?�

What the fuck?!

�I�m leaving you?� I can�t believe how strained my voice sounds. I didn�t think I could sound that incredulous.

�So you�re telling me you�re not?�

�No, I�m not. Why would I be leaving you?� I�m gripping his hands harder to make the point. It must be hurting already but he hasn�t even flinched. �Christ, Hunter, if I was going to leave you don�t you think I�d�ve left already? No, I�m not leaving you�.

***

I don�t believe this. He thinks I�m leaving him? Where did he get that idea from? I�ve never said I wanted to end this. In some ways I do, but I�m not going to. I don�t want to know what he�d do if I did. And I need him too much to leave him. Hell, if I can�t be with Matt then I need someone and Hunter�s as good for me as anyone, no matter what anyone else may say. He understands me. God, I can�t believe I�m even thinking that. Someone as fucked up as Hunter understands me? This just gets better by the second.

But it�s not his fault. He doesn�t know what he�d doing to me is wrong. I don�t know how he can�t realise it, because how can hitting someone you love be right? And he does love me. I know he loves me. I see that every time he looks at me, and I feel it every time he touches me. I hate that, because he�s just perfect for me and I can�t think that way because accepting that we�re perfect for each other means that I�m just as fucked up as he is.

But think about it. I already am. I�m so fucked up. I think I�m even worse than Hunter sometimes, because he�s blissfully unaware and I know. I can see exactly what�s wrong with me, but I can�t do anything about it. And the worst thing? I don�t want to do anything about it. Because if I did then I wouldn�t feel like me. And I don�t want to change it because being normal would mean that I wouldn�t love Matt and I don�t want to not love him, even if that would mean I wasn�t fucked up.

I just know I can never be with Matt. Well, not the way I want to be, the way I guess I need to be. So I�m with Hunter. It helps. If I can�t be with Matt and I don�t want to forget that I�m completely fucked in the head, then my only other choice is to be with Hunter. It�s not much of a choice but it�s a choice and at least I have it. Because I can�t go on living like this. I�d rather be with Hunter and have him do what he does to me than be alone. It�s not really so bad, because there�s a part of me that likes it.

There�s a part of me that likes it when Hunter beats me. He�s just so fucking strong and it�s an overwhelming feeling when he hits me. It�s like I don�t have control anymore, and when I�m with him that�s okay. I want him to take me over completely. When I�m with him like that, nothing else matters because all there is in the world is him, me and the pain. And the love. Because I feel it in everything he does, and especially when he hits me. God that sounds screwy. How the fuck can I feel like he loves me when he hits me? That�s borderline fucking insane. Except it�s true. I know he loves me. I can feel it, in every blow, in every bruise, in every cut. I think the only reason he does it is to show me he loves me. Just like it�s the way I know I�m loved. That�s why we�re perfect for each other.

And that�s why I can�t believe he thought I was going to leave him. I could never leave him. I�m not sure what I�d do without him. It�s nowhere as definite as what I�d do if I lost Matt � I�d just kill myself and that would be it all over with. But if I left Hunter? I don�t know if I�d be able to cope without him anymore. He shields me from so much. He shields me from myself a lot of the time. I�m pretty sure I�d be six feet under by now if it weren�t for him. So in a twisted way, although I don�t want it to be true, he�s good for me. If he was a little more like Matt he�d be perfect. Except I shouldn�t be thinking things like that. Because for one thing I�m not supposed to think about Matt like that and for another, if Hunter was anything like Matt then he wouldn�t be perfect at all. He�s so close to being absolutely everything I need as he is.

So I�m not going to leave him. Yeah, I told him I wanted some space this weekend, but that�s not exactly saying �y�know what, let�s break up�. It�s not like I don�t spend all the time I can with him anyway, and one weekend wouldn�t make that much of a difference. And I�ve got a damn good reason for not wanting to see him now anyway, not that it looks like he cares. Usually he would. I guess that�s the panic. He�s not himself because he doesn�t want to lose me. This would all be a hell of a lot easier if he�d understand that I don�t want to lose him, either. But no, instead he�s jumped to the conclusion that I want to finish it.

***

�So you�re not leaving?�

I shake my head, a small smile creeping onto my face. He�s so adorable. Except he�s not. He�s a fucking psycho. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because if I don�t I�m going to fall for this. And I might end up falling for him. And that so wouldn�t be a good thing. I�m involved enough without falling in love with him. If I did then there�d be no way I could ever get out. Except I don�t want to. So why does it matter anymore if I fall for him or not?

�No, I�m not going anywhere�, I say. Because it�s true. And I think he can see that it is because he�s smiling now. And standing, and pulling me to my feet, too.

�You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that�, he�s saying, and I smile. I can tell how relieved he is. �I thought you were going to leave me and I had this whole plan to try to convince you that you had to stay with me and not go tell Matt how you feel because then I�d just��

�What?� What?! Matt? I�m frowning at him now, pulling away, stepping back. �What about Matt?�

�I just thought that you were going to tell him how you felt, and I didn�t think that��

�Excuse me? How I feel about him?�

Oh my God. He knows. And now he knows I know. I�m staring at him all wide-eyed and terrified and he�s looking like he just made the biggest mistake in the world. But Christ I can�t stop.

�Hunter � what about Matt?�

�That you�re� That you�� My God he�s actually blushing. Except now all the colour�s draining from his face and he looks like he�s about to burst into tears or bolt for the door. He didn�t meant to tell me he knew. And all I can think about is how long he�s known and how he found out, because I�ve never told him. I�ve never told anyone. I�ve never even hinted at it. I�ve been so careful. I never wanted anyone to find out. But he has. Fuck, of all the people who could�ve found out, why did it have to be him? My fucking lover has to find out that I�m in love with my brother. What sort of a fucked up situation is this?

�Don�t say it�, I whisper, looking down. �Just� just don�t�. I can�t meet his eyes. But he�s moving toward me � I don�t need to be looking at him to know that.

�It�s okay�, he says, placing his hand on my arm, and I shrug it off quickly and take another step back. I can�t have him touch me now I know he knows. It�s like it�s confirming everything that I always thought was wrong with me. Now he knows everything. He was never supposed to know. No one was. It made it almost bearable that way. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do?

�Really Jeff, it�s okay�.

I almost laugh. �How is it okay? It�s okay because you say it is? It�s okay because you know I�m not going to leave you for my brother?� Oh God, I sound delirious. I guess I am. And he looks crushed.

�You�re not going to, are you?�

�NO! God, how many times am I gonna have to tell you? I�m not leaving you!�

I�m backed up against the wall now, my head in my hands. I don�t know what to think. He�s moving toward me again and I know I won�t be able to stop him if he tried to hold me this time. I don�t know if I want him to or not. I don�t know if it�ll feel right with him or if it will feel right with him ever again. But� what did he say? He didn�t really think that I was going to� did he?

�Please tell me you didn�t seriously think I was going to leave you for my brother�, I tell him. I�m not asking. I�m more like demanding. I need to know he didn�t mean that.

�I wasn�t sure�. He�s lying. I can always tell when he�s lying and he�s lying his ass off right now. He really did think I was going to leave him for Matt. I look up at him and I realise my eyes are just full of tears. He�s all blurry. But I can�t brush them away because I�m still holding my head, pressing at my temples. This just can�t be happening. It can�t.

�Why the fuck would I do that?� I didn�t mean to ask him that, I swear I didn�t. But it just came out, like my mouth�s on fucking autopilot. He shrugs. I can just make it out through the tears.

�You�d be happier with him�, he says. I realise I�m sobbing and I just can�t stop. �You�re in love with him. And I know you don�t love me � you never have. You hate me. I don�t know what I did to make you hate me, but I know you do. So I thought maybe you�d decided to leave me and go to him. You�re not happy with me. I thought you might be happier with him. After all, you don�t hate him�.

I�m frowning now and the tears are falling. I can�t look at him. I know he�s right about all of that � except me leaving him � and that just makes me feel worse. Because I never knew he knew I hated him. I never knew he knew I�m in love with Matt. This just keeps going from bad to worse. He sighs. He moves in closer, he pulls my hands from my face and I don�t even try to stop him. He brushes away my tears with his fingertips.

�Why do you hate me, Jeff?�

And suddenly I can look at him.

For a second I have to ask myself why exactly it is that I hate him, because he�s standing there and there�s so much love in his eyes, like he might be breaking apart inside because of me. But then I remember. And I almost can�t quite believe that he doesn�t know. Almost. Because I know that he�s never going to understand how wrong the things he does to me are. And they are. Even if they feel good and even if they�re sometimes what I want, they�re wrong. I do them because I want to make him happy. I let him beat me unconscious and cut me open with razorblades to make him happy. How sick is that?

�Do you really want to know why?� I�m asking. And from the look on his face I�d say he doesn�t want to know but I�m going to tell him anyway. It�s about time he heard this. It�s about time he understood why I feel how I do.

But he�s nodding anyway, taking a step back, giving me room. I�m going to tell him. I have to.

***

�It�s because you�re perfect for me�, I say, leaning back against the wall. �It�s because we go together so well. And I don�t want us to. I�ve never wanted us to. Maybe sometimes, when I want to cut, I want to be with you. But the rest of the time I�m with you because I have to be. I want to deny it, y�know, because I hate you and I shouldn�t be with you. But you�re perfect for me. Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. I know you know me better than anyone else does. That�s what scares me.

�Because I know I�m like you. Well, kinda. Kinda I am, and that scares me. Because if I�m like you then that means I�m totally fucked up and I don�t want to have to admit that. Except I already know I am because I�m� I�m� I�m in love with my brother and that just makes me want to die. How fucked up is it to want to fuck your brother? How fucked up is it to love him so much it feels like someone reached into your chest and started crushing the hell out of your heart? Well, if my shrink�s anything like right, it�s pretty fucking fucked up.

�And cutting myself�s not normal. Trying to kill myself�s not normal. Having you help me cut�s not normal either, Damnit, no matter what you think. It�s just not right. You�re not supposed to do that.

�And no, it�s not right that you hit me and cut me, even if you think it is and even if I want it. It�s not right for you to hurt me. I know why you do it so please don�t think that I don�t, but it�s not right. How can hurting someone you love be right? And I know you love me. You love me like I love Matt � sorta too much to be able to see straight, so much it feels like you�ve got butterflies in your stomach all the fucking time and you�re just so restless because you know you want something you can�t have the way you want.

�Except you�ve got me. You don�t need to be a fucking genius to see I�m not going anywhere, Hunt. I might not love you but I�ve got nowhere else to go and no one knows me like you do. No one could ever treat me like you do. You know what I need. And I love that in you. But I hate you. Because you�re wrong. You�re not the person I�m supposed to love. Or maybe you are, except I can�t love you because you�re not the person I know I have to love. I hate you because every second I�m with you reminds me of how fucked up I am.

�And I guess I hate you because you�re not Matt.

�Because I love him. And if he loved me then I wouldn�t need you and I wouldn�t be doing all this stuff to hurt myself. I wouldn�t be letting you hurt me. I wouldn�t have tried to kill myself. I wouldn�t have all these fucking scars. I would never ever have come near you. If he loved me then I wouldn�t be here. But you know what? I�ll always be here. I�m not leaving you because I know he�d hate me if he knew how I feel about him. I�ll always be here and I�ll always love him and even though I know none of this is your fault and that you don�t deserve this at all, I�m always going to hate you�.

So there. I told him. But I can already see he doesn�t understand. That can�t be good.

***

He hit me. He fucking hit me. I know because my cheek�s stinging and I almost tripped. He hit me. I can�t believe it. I should be able to �cause that�s all he�s done to me for the last six months, but this time he hit me because he�s angry. He�s never done that before. I�ve never seen Hunter angry.

Oh God, I�m on the floor and he�s over me and he�s really laying into me� I never realised what it was like before, when I wanted it, but I don�t want this, because this is different, Hunter�s really trying to hurt me. I can hear his fists as they connect with my stomach, driving the air out of me, making me double up in pain. It�s like it�s shooting all through my body and it�s nothing like when he did it before. Except maybe it is because he�s doing the same things he did then, but this is different. Because he�s not in control and I can�t stop him. I�m helpless. He�s mad at me and he has me against a wall and he�s just going to keep beating on me. I�m so scared. I don�t want this. Oh God, I don�t want this.

He�s screaming at me but I don�t know what he�s saying because it hurts too much for me to really listen. I don�t care what he�s saying. I just don�t care anymore.

I think he broke my arm. It�s throbbing and I feel like I�m going to pass out because my vision�s all blurred and I don�t think it�s the tears or the blood from where he just opened up my forehead. It hurts so much. I�m not even trying to look at him anymore because my eyes are screwed shut so tight. I don�t want to see him. I don�t want to know what he looks like when he�s angry. It�s bad enough just feeling it.

He punches me in the gut and when I cough I cough up blood. I�m on my hands and knees and the blood�s dripping off of my forehead onto the carpet and then I just look up at him. With my good hand, the one on the arm that�s probably only badly bruised now I come to think of it but feels like he�s tried to sever it, I wipe the tears from my eyes. All I can think is that it hurts so good. Tonight he really has given me everything.

I choke out his name. Then I realise how wrong I was, how wrong I always was, and I choke out �I love you�.

He sobbed, just once, like his heart just broke. And now he�s gone. He ran. He�s left me here alone. He�s left me.

***

I�m dragging myself into the bathroom. I tried to stand but my head�s swimming and I don�t wanna fall back down and hit my head or anything. It hurts enough already, but I don�t know it that�s all the physical stuff or if it�s the fact that he�s left me, too. I didn�t want him to go.

What I see in the mirror isn�t me. It can�t be. I think maybe me vision�s still blurred and all the blood makes me look really different, because I know I�m still me. Even if I just did something really stupid. Oh God that was so stupid. Because I was never supposed to love him. Never. He�s not the man I want and he�s just a complete fucking psycho, but there it is. I love him. Oh God, how could I not love him? He�s so fucking perfect. He�s perfect for me. How did I not know?

He�s amazing. He�s everything I�ve ever needed. I think I�ve always known that, but maybe now I�m ready to accept it. He�s the only one who could ever love me the way he does. And he does love me. He loves me so much that sometimes it scares me. He loves me so unconditionally, straight from his heart with nothing held back, no holds barred. God, he�s given me everything he could give and then given me everything he had left. And the whole time I thought I hated him for it when really I was just loving him more and more then denying it. Because the rational part of me knows that I�m not supposed to be with him. The rational part of me knows it�s wrong.

But since when have I listened to the rational part of me? That�s the part that told me I shouldn�t try to kill myself. Where was it when I was overdosing or slitting my wrists? It�s the part of me that tells me I shouldn�t cut myself. So if I listen to it then how come I still cut? And it�s the part that�s telling me he�s wrong for me. But it doesn�t matter because I�ve never been rational. If I was then I wouldn�t be this fucked up and I wouldn�t be in love with my brother. And I wouldn�t be in love with Hunter.

But I am. Oh God, I love him so much. I think I need him. He�s the only one who knows me that way, the only one who�s ever known what I wanted and not left me because of it. He loves me right back. He�s loved me from the moment we met. Tonight he showed me exactly how much he loves me.

I can hardly breathe it hurts so much. I never knew it could be this hard to breathe. I think I just want to stop and make the pain go away. I hurt all over. And I�m wounded inside because he�s left me. I don�t know whether he left because of what he�d done to me or because of what I said to him. He should be happy. He�s got what he wanted. But the look on his face wasn�t happy. He looked scared. And he looked disgusted. How could he look disgusted? He loves me and I told him I loved him too and it nearly broke my heart to admit it, that I�d been wrong all this time, but I told him, and he ran away from me. What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to feel?

I don�t want to feel anymore. I�m all burned out from feeling.

***

Matt can�t have meant to leave those razorblades out on the sink. He�s studious about keeping everything I could hurt myself out of my reach, even if he knows that if I really want to do it I could find a way. I guess he thinks I don�t need the temptation. And leaving out a pack of razorblades is very unlike him. I�m starting to think it�s a sign.

So I�m reaching up for them, kneeling on the floor and hugging one arm across my chest because it hurts so much I think I�m going to pass out soon. I don�t think there�s a single part of me that�s not throbbing and aching and feeling like it�s going to die. And my hand�s closing on it and damn my head�s swimming. So I�m leaning against the bathtub �cause my knees were screaming and eventually my body just buckled under my own weight.

I can�t see to take a blade from the pack, and I�m cutting my fingers as I do but I can�t seem to care because it hurts so bad all over anyway. What�s a little more pain, anyway? And now I�ve done it. I�ve got a blade between my fingertips but it�s slipping because I�ve cut them open and they�re bleeding on the metal. I don�t know if I can do this. Except I think maybe I have to.

Hunter�s never going to understand how I can love him and hate him at the same time. Everything�s so black and white to him. He can�t see that I�m two people, and that they were always fighting against each other � the one that�s just like him is so much stronger but the one that always told me all this is just so wrong had a louder voice. I felt like one and acted like the other. How screwed up is that?

And he�ll never understand how I could love two people. Because I do, I really do. Now I�ve admitted that I love him, I know I love them both. But I�m not going to say I feel exactly the same about both of them, because I don�t. I love Matt more and I always will. I love him so much that it�s agony not being with him. I love him so much that I feel like I�m falling apart when he�s not there. But I do love Hunter. It�s not the same, but it�s right. I think I know that now. I have to love Matt to love Hunter, because without that I never would�ve been screwed up enough to fall for a man who beats me. But I know he does that to show me he loves me. I don�t care that it makes no sense because I feel that it�s right. I feel that Hunter�s the perfect person for this fucked up guy I am. He�s everything I need, even if I know that Matt could make me so much happier than he can. But he�s never going to understand that.

Just like Matt�s never going to understand that I need Hunter. I think he knows what Hunter does to me and he�s never ever going to understand how I can love a guy who does these things to me. Matt�s living in a world where hurting someone is always wrong. In a way he sees things just as black and white as Hunter does.

All this because Hunter thought I was going to leave him. What he�s never going to know now is that I had a reason for wanting this weekend alone. Well, this weekend alone with Matt. I was going to tell him that I was moving out. I was going to tell him I was moving out to move to Connecticut to live with Hunter. I was going to explain that I needed to be with him and I was going to move in with Hunter. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. It was the only thing I could do to make this any better.

But Hunter left me. And I can never have Matt anyway. So what do I do? I do this.

***

It all comes flooding back to me as I draw the razor across my left wrist. It hurts less than I remember, but that�s probably because I�m hurting all over anyway and this pain is nothing compared to how it feels when I breathe. But this is the pain that�s going to kill me.

I remember the last time I did this, the first time. They�re one in the same. It was so much easier then. My head was so clear and I knew exactly what I had to do. Now I don�t know if what I�m doing�s the right thing, but I know it�s the only thing I have left to do. I can�t go on living knowing I can never be happy. I can�t go on living knowing I�m fucked up the way I am. I can�t go on living without them. Because I think I need them both.

The last time, I did this in the tub. Isn�t that supposed to make it easier, lying in a tub of warm water? Something about the blood flow. But I�m past caring. I don�t care how long it takes me to die because it already feels like I�m dying from what he�s done to me. So I rest my head back against the edge of the tub and take the razor in my left hand. It�s time to do the other wrist. But my arm feels weak and I don�t know if I can do it. I just know I have to so I grip as hard as I can and move my arm over, feeling the blood dripping from my wrist as I do it. The smell of it�s making me sick. But just a little while longer and it�ll all be over.

There, it�s done. Veins slashed, razorblade tossed aside, body feeling limp and I�m getting weaker by the second. All I have to do now is wait.

But waiting�s the worst part. Because all I have to do now is think. I�m alone with my thoughts. Oh God, I don�t want to think anymore. Please let this be over soon. I don�t think I can do this anymore.

It doesn�t hurt anymore. Just like that it doesn�t hurt anymore. But I feel cold. I remember this from the last time. Eventually it stops hurting and all you�re left with is this horrible chill. It�s like I�m losing everything. And I am. Of course I am. But I just want it to be over. I can�t stand this. I don�t want to be here anymore. I don�t want to feel anymore or think anymore I just want to it to be over. I want to be over. Now. This second. Before I can think about why I�ve done this, before I can think about it and maybe change my mind.

But I can�t now. And I know I don�t want to. I want this. I think this is what I�ve always wanted. I don�t know how to feel if I don�t feel with my whole heart, and every time I do that I just get so hurt. I don�t want that anymore. I don�t want to hurt anymore. And this is the only way I know how to make it better. It�s the only way I can stop hurting.

***

What is that? There�s something pulling at my arm, I think. But I�m not sure because I�m not really feeling anything anymore. But it feels strange so I�m trying to force my eyes open. It hurts so much. It wasn�t supposed to hurt. Oh God, I know why it hurts. Because I�m looking at Matt.

I can�t hear what he�s saying so I try to focus in on the words. It sounds like I�m listening to him from like a million miles away and through plate glass and it looks like I�m looking at him from underwater but I realise that�s just the tears. I�m crying? I didn�t even know I had the strength.

�You weren�t supposed to come�, I tell him. I don�t know if he can hear me. I don�t even know if I said it out loud. But he�s looking at me like I�m insane and I know he heard me.

�So I was supposed to come in when you were already dead?� he asks. Well, yeah, he was. He seems to realise that and he sighs. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I know he�s probably drunk, even if this has sobered him up quite a lot. Maybe he�ll be too drunk to think straight and he won�t take me straight to the hospital like he did last time. I hope he doesn�t.

I don�t want him to be here. He wasn�t supposed to find me while I was still alive. I didn�t want to have to go through this all again before I die, because last time was bad enough. I didn�t want to put him through this again.

�How could you do this?� he�s practically screaming at me, pawing at my wrists, yanking off his shirt and pulling it apart to use to try and stop the blood. I want to tell him to stop but I�m not going to. He has to feel like he�s done everything he can to stop this, I know. It�s only fair I let him. I don�t even think I could speak if I wanted to anymore. I�m too weak.

�How could you do this?� he�s yelling again. �God, Jeff. I thought you�d stopped this. You just said you had a headache and you were coming back here. If I�d known I would�ve come with you and I� Oh God, Jeff!�

He�s sobbing now and he�s just swiped his hair back and left a smear of my blood across his forehead. He�s kneeling in it, too. It�s all over the bathroom floor. I didn�t know I had that much blood in me.

�You can�t die�, he whispers as he pulls me forward and into his arms. I feel like a rag doll, like I haven�t got any strength to stop him. �You can�t die, Jeff. Please don�t. Please don�t leave me. I don�t know what I�ll do if you die. Christ, I love you so much. I never wanted this to happen. If I�d known you were going to do this� Jeff!�

Why does he have to do this? He makes it harder than it has to be. All he has to do is walk away and leave me here �til it�s over. Except he can�t do that. Because he�s my brother and he�s always going to try to save me.

�You can�t die, Jeff. You can�t. I just love you so much and you can�t die. Oh God, I�ve been in love with you for so long� I need you, Jeff. I don�t think I can do this without you��

Did he just say? I don�t know what he said. I think maybe I�m hearing things. Because he couldn�t have just said� could he? I look up at him and frown, as best I can with the cut on my forehead and the bruises around my eyes.

�You love me?� I mouth. I don�t think any sound came out. But he knows what I was trying to say. I can see it in his eyes.

�I�ve always loved you�, he says. �I know you don�t think it�s right and I know it�s not what you need to hear, but I love you, Jeff. I need you. You can�t die because I love you so much and I don�t know what I�ll do without you. Please�.

I can�t believe this. He loves me? Since when? How could I not have known? This can�t be right. This just can�t be happening. He picks *now* to tell me? Now, when I�m about to die? Christ does he ever have lousy timing.

But I can�t say any of that. All I do is mouth the words �I love you too�.

And I think my heart�s going to break because he�s holding me, and he�s telling me how he always wanted to tell me because it�s been driving him insane that I didn�t know how he felt. And he�s kneeling there in a pool of my blood as he tells me he loves me more than he knows how to deal with. He�s kneeling there as he holds my head in his hands and he kisses me.

Now I know I made a mistake. I shouldn�t have done this. I don�t want this anymore. But I can�t take it back because I�ve already done it, but damn this is the happiest moment of my life. He loves me. At least now I�m not going to die never knowing how it felt to kiss him.

But my heart�s breaking because I haven�t even got the strength to kiss him back. I haven�t got the strength to hold him. I want to hold him to me and tell him how much I love him but I can�t. All I can do is love how good this feels and die inside because I know that all it would�ve taken for me to be happy was to tell him how I felt. I wish I�d known that before now.

I manage to choke out his name. He sobs and holds me to him and I can feel his heart beating in his chest. Mine�s slowing down now.

And everything�s going dark. So I look up at him. I want the last thing I see to be his eyes, to know how much he loves me.

And I need him to see into mine. I can�t tell him in words so maybe my eyes can tell him.

Matt, I love you. Matt, I�ve always loved you. Matt, I did this for you.

***
End
***

On to 'For Him' - the last part!! Or wait for the happy and very much alternate last part :)