***

Title: For Me
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I�d say R. I don�t think there�s anything too graphic in this one...
Content: Erm, occasional strong language, sorta implied m/m, mentions of incest... Oh, and violence. Kinda. Well, mentions of it.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: I think I have to call this a series now I�ve got to four fics. And this follows Yours, His and Mine. Hunter�s POV.
Notes: For Theresa, since she�s the one who bugged me to write it! And thanks to everyone who gave me feedback � glad you�re enjoying this!

***
For Me
***

He keeps a photograph of himself and his brother on his nightstand. They�re maybe four years younger in it � it was taken before they made it big in the Federation - and I can never quite believe how happy they look. I�ve never made him look that happy, and I�ve done more for him than his brother ever has. And I�ve never seen them look that happy in all the time I�ve known them. I guess that must have been a good day, before they met me, and before things really started to get awkward between them. He still has a glimmer of hope in his eyes in that picture. That�s something I�ve never seen in him.

The sun�s shining and they�re standing in front of a trampoline in what I guess is their back garden. He�s just jumped up onto his brother�s back, his arms folded around his chest. They�re both wearing black shirts, black jeans and black nail polish. Jeff�s hair is actually blonde, and tied back. And he�s actually smiling.

Matt�s right hand�s on Jeff�s wrist, and he�s smiling too. Their heads are resting together, the edge of Jeff�s forehead pressed up against Matt�s temple and Jeff has two big handfuls of Matt�s shirt, hitching it up a little way so there�s about an inch of tanned skin showing just above his belt. Matt�s other hand is on his hip, holding his shoulder up high enough for Jeff to rest his chin on it. It�s one perfect moment in their lives caught on camera, framed and set at his bedside. They look more like lovers than brothers.

Of course, if either of them had any idea of the big picture here, that�s exactly what they�d be. And that�s why I�m here, now. I have to make sure that never happens.

***

I can�t believe he brought the fucking picture with him. It�s lying there in his suitcase, stuffed inside a shirt and jammed between a pair of boots and the new pair of baggy black pants I bought for him a couple of weeks ago. Damn, does he ever go anywhere without that damn picture? I hope to hell he doesn�t bring it with him when he�s staying with me. As if it�s not bad enough already, knowing what I know, without having that there as a reminder. I fucking hate that picture. I�ve already broken it once and I feel like breaking it again.

But he�s got a picture of me in there too. It�s one I didn�t know he had, let alone had framed, and one I know he didn�t take. Because Kurt Angle took it, maybe a year ago. It�s not even a particularly good shot, either � it�s a bad Polaroid taken at a strange angle in bad light, and I�m leaning against a wall in an arena in worn track pants and a WWF shirt, my head resting back, my eyes closed, rubbing at my throat with one hand. I don�t look like me in it, I swear.

At least I hope that�s not how I look. I hope that Kurt caught me off-guard while I was having a totally off-character moment. The only problem is that I have a feeling that�s how I look when I know no one�s looking. That�s probably why he took the picture. He�d never seen me look that way before, at least not while we were together, and he just didn�t recognise anything in me in that moment, looking all tired and washed out and vulnerable. That�s not me.

And I don�t want to know how Jeff got a hold of it, because just the idea that he might�ve been talking to Kurt makes me nauseous. Things didn�t exactly end well between me and Kurt, and I don�t want Jeff to know about any of that. All that matters is that we�re together now, not my past. And definitely not my past with Kurt.

It was messy. Usually my break-ups are swift and mostly painless, but breaking up with Kurt was one of the hardest things I�ve ever done. First off, trying to keep it a secret when all he wanted to do was yell at me and cry in public was hellish � almost everyone on the roster that I haven�t fucked thinks I�m straight and that�s the way I want it to stay.

And knowing how he felt about me was torture. Hell, everything about the last couple of weeks I was with him was torture. I was so glad when it was finally over.

***

In the beginning things were good. I�m not going to say they were great because they weren�t, but they were pretty damn good. I didn�t think it was going to be any different with him than it had been with anyone else, but we had fun and I wasn�t really looking for anything else right then. We talked and we watched football and we went out for food. First we were like regular friends, and then we were like a regular couple. He liked me and I liked him. Despite what anyone may think, Kurt really is a good person; he�s likeable and he�s funny and he�s smart as well as being very easy on the eyes. And for a while things were good between us.

We took things slow, like we were expected to. We�d been together for just over a month before we slept together that first time. And the sex was good. Everything about the whole damn relationship was good, but I knew I was kidding myself. We were just like a regular couple then, but it wasn�t anything like what I wanted or what I needed. None of my relationships before then had been, either. It was like something was missing, like something wasn�t quite right, and although I knew what it was I knew I couldn�t do anything about it because it wasn�t something normal couples were supposed to do. I�d stare at him over a table in a restaurant while he was telling me about his day and I�d wonder how he�d react. I�d stare into his eyes over Starbucks coffee in the park, and I�d fantasise about what it might be like if we wanted the same things. But I couldn�t do it.

But one day it suddenly dawned on me that if I was going to have any sort of a future with Kurt I�d have to find out if he felt the same way as I did. We were sitting in a caf� in Pittsburgh, talking over a couple of cups of coffee, surrounded by couples. They were all over, just holding hands and smiling and every single one of them just looked so immeasurably happy, like they had exactly what they wanted. And suddenly I knew. I just knew that I couldn�t live my whole life with someone that I couldn�t be with in the way I wanted, never really being happy. And back then I was actually thinking about spending the rest of my life with him, with Kurt.

So that night I did it. I hit him. Not hard, but I hit him, slapped him across the face and watched as his cheek reddened. And when he looked at me I really thought he understood. I thought it was going to be okay between us. He just looked up at me with his eyes all full of love and I thought he needed it as much as I did. I kissed him. He kissed back. And sometime that night we managed to stumble over to his bed and I made love to him. Hard and fast and painful, bruising, like I�d always wanted to be able to do. It felt so good to be able to do that, to be able to hurt him and love him at the same time, to be able to look into his eyes and see that he loved me right back.

He always looked so beautiful afterwards, bruised and bloody. I�d slap him and open up his lip or the curve of his cheekbone and hold him as he bled. The blood would slowly wind its way down over his skin, and I�d watch in the dimmed light of the hotel room or his bedroom or mine, tracing a path beside the trail with my fingertips. I�d kiss away the blood and hold him close to me. Then I�d make love to him, and it always surprised me how much he wanted me. I loved the low whimpering sound he�d make as I eased myself inside of him, how wanton and sensual and desperate he�d look as he grasped my forearms or my shoulders and arched his back to take more of me inside. I loved the way he�d bite at his bottom lip, even after I�d split it open, and how he�d moan into my mouth as I kissed the bruises on his body. I loved the way he raked his nails down my back, how he�d warp his legs around my waist and hold me to him like that even after I�d come inside him, like he didn�t want to let me go.

Then we�d lie together for a while, all tangled up in each other�s arms, until I�d leave the bed and find some ice for his face or his chest or his wrist or wherever it was that needed it. I�d find bandages or band-aids for his cuts. He�d hiss as I rubbed in the antiseptic, even if he knew I needed to do it so his wounds would heal sooner. Then we�d fall asleep in the bed together, and I�d wake up in the morning, look into his sleeping face and feel like I�d finally found someone I could love.

Not that I ever really loved him. I couldn�t. I never could. Back then I didn�t even believe I was capable of loving. I mean, I�d never been in love or felt anything that felt even remotely like it. I guess I�d resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to fall in love and I was never going to be able to feel anything for anyone beyond a kind of awkward friendship. And Kurt was really the first person I�d felt even that much for. I just wanted someone I could be with, who�d accept me, who I could be myself with and not have to put on some kinda of act. I thought Kurt might be that person. I wanted him to be. And for a while I really believed he was.

Then two months later we were at his place and as I moved to put my arms around him I saw it. He cringed just slightly. So I took a step back and I looked at him. For a moment I didn�t understand but as I looked at him it started to dawn on me. That was fear I was seeing in his eyes. He did a damn good job of hiding it, but it was there. He was fucking scared of me.

When I asked him about it he broke down. I didn�t know what to do. He was sitting there on his bed sobbing and telling me he was scared to death of me. He loved me � that was the one and only time he ever told me that � but he was scared of me. He told me the only reason we were still together was because he was too scared of what I�d do if he left me. He told me things had been great between us for the first month or so, but then I�d changed and then I�d got abusive and he�d wanted to leave but he�d already fallen for me. He thought that if he loved me enough I�d change and everything would be okay again, but now he realised how na�ve he�d been.

He told me I was sick, that he thought I needed to get help. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I don�t cry for anything or anyone, but that just hurt so bad. I thought he�d understood. I thought he knew. I thought he was with me because he was like me, but I�d been wrong. How could I have been so wrong? I should�ve seen how scared he was. When I thought back, I knew I had. I just hadn�t wanted to believe it. I�d needed to believe that I�d finally found someone I could be with and be me. But I hadn�t. Kurt was just like the others. He didn�t understand, and he never would. God, I felt so empty in that moment.

I held him then, feeling him tremble in my arms and sob against my chest. I needed to feel him one last time, to know that he loved me even if it wasn�t enough. He looked up into my eyes and I brushed the tears from his cheeks as I pressed one last kiss to his forehead. Then I took a step back. He tried to hold me to him but I shook my head and he let me go. I told him I was sorry and I left.

***

It might have been okay if it had ended at that. But it didn�t. The short version of events is that I thought it was over and we were going to go our separate ways, but then he came back to me. He told me he was sorry and that he wanted to be with me, that it was okay really and he didn�t want to lose me. He actually begged me to take him back. And like a fool, I did.

Only it wasn�t like it had been before. I knew how he really felt about me and it just felt strange to be doing those things to him knowing he was only letting me do them to make me happy. It was kinda nice to know, in a way, because it meant he loved me enough to let me do it even if he thought it was wrong. But I knew it was wrong to do that to him if he didn�t want me to. I just couldn�t stop myself for a start. Then one night I was holding him and pressing the ice to his face to take the swelling down, and I saw the tears in his eyes. And I knew I couldn�t do it anymore.

He didn�t want to accept the fact that I couldn�t be with him. He told me he didn�t care what I did to him because he loved me and all that mattered was that he was with me. He begged me not to leave. Then he yelled at me. He threw a vase at me. But I had to end it. Our relationship wasn�t good for him. I tried to tell him that, that he needed to find someone who�d treat him how he needed to be treated, and he didn�t seem to get that I couldn�t do that. I could never be what Kurt wanted me to be. I think he knew that on some level, but he didn�t really want to believe it. And he damn sure didn�t want to let me go. That was the worst part of it. Because there was a part of me didn�t want to let him go either. I just knew I had to.

I wish he could�ve seen how wrong I was for him. Except he did, so I guess what I wish is that he could�ve accepted it and moved on. But for those two weeks he couldn�t even begin to. He�d find me in corridors and he�d break down and sob and ask me what he did to make me hate him. He hadn�t done anything, and I didn�t hate him. He just wasn�t the person I thought he was. And because of that I could never be the right person for him. He needed to find someone who could love him, because I couldn�t. For a start he didn�t believe me. But after two weeks of him yelling at me in locker rooms and crying when he saw me without me giving an inch or even seeming to care how he felt, I think he started to get it.

And I know he does now. He�s happy now. I�ve seen how he is with his lover, and I know that he�s everything he wanted me to be and more. I�m glad that he�s happy, because God knows he deserves it. He�s such a good person and he has so much love inside him. His only mistake was to give that love to someone who couldn�t give him anything in return, to love unconditionally. I hope he doesn�t think it was wrong to do that, to love like that � he shouldn�t, because that�s the only way you can love. It�s all or nothing. He just shouldn�t have loved me. I wish he�d met Benoit before he�d met me. It would�ve saved both him and me a lot of heartache.

But sometimes, when he thinks I�m not looking, when he doesn�t think anyone can see, I can catch him watching me. It�s like he�s trying to see if I�m still the same way I was or if I�ve changed, if he made a mistake in letting me leave him. In those moments, I know he still loves me. And I know he still hates me for leaving him. I�m not sure, but I think he�s always going to love me and he�s always going to hate me. That�s why the idea of him talking to Jeff makes me ill. I don�t want to know what he�d tell him about me. Jeff doesn�t need encouragement to hate me � he�s managing pretty fucking well all by himself. And if anyone could help him along, that person would be Kurt.

I don�t know whether I believe Kurt could really screw things up between me and Jeff, because I know they�re screwed up enough as it is. I know how Kurt felt now, because I�m lost in love with Jeff, and I know he doesn�t love me. I just don�t want to find out if things could get any worse. I can�t let Jeff leave me.

***

What Kurt never understood is that I�m not abusive. It hurt me when he told me that. It hurt more when he called me abusive than it did when he broke that damn no-cursing code of his to call me a sick fuck. Because by some people�s standards I guess I am a sick fuck, and I�ll admit that. I wouldn�t call myself sick, even if I wouldn�t call myself normal, but I don�t have a problem saying that some people might think I am. But one thing I�m not is abusive. I�m not even particularly violent, let alone fucking abusive.

Yeah, I know, it seems a little on the strange side for someone in this business to say that they�re not violent. I guess in some ways I am, but you don�t have to be violent by nature to be a professional wrestler, believe me. Some of the kindest, nicest, most warm-hearted people I�ve ever met have been pro wrestlers. It�s sports entertainment, people, it�s not real life � we don�t actually go out there to beat the hell out of each other. When we hit people with chairs we�re not being malicious. When I hit people with that sledgehammer I�m not trying to end their careers, and I�m sure as hell not trying to seriously injure them. It�s a show. I�m really not the sadist the Federation makes me out to be. It�s a character and I play it, just like an actor on a stage.

And I�m not fucking abusive. What I did to Kurt wasn�t abuse. Abuse is doing it because it makes you feel good or because you lose your temper or just because you can, and not caring how the person you�re hurting feels. It�s doing something wrong and having to apologise afterwards. Abuse is when you do it and the other person doesn�t want you to. Abuse is when you�re not on equal ground, when one person is dominant over the other and it�s not by some sort of mutual choice. Beating someone to get your kicks is wrong. Abuse is wrong.

But what I do isn�t abuse. I don�t do what I do because I like it. Well, I�m not going to say I don�t like it, but it�s not the same thing. I like how it feels, sure, otherwise I wouldn�t do it, but that�s not my only motivation. When I hit someone, when I cut someone, when I hurt someone, I care about how they feel. If it�s not what they want then I won�t do it. If they tell me to stop I�ll stop. When I do it, it�s consensual. It�s not dominance, because really the person I�m hurting has control. If anyone�s dominant in that situation, it�s the person I�m hurting.

And it�s not like I want to hurt every person I come across. I�m not going to find some random person and immediately want to beat the hell out of him or her. Because I�m not interested in hurting someone I don�t know � not only is that just not something I�d ever want, it just wouldn�t be right. I do this to people I care about. I have to care about them for it to be right.

I think maybe that was what went wrong with Kurt; I cared about him, but maybe I just didn�t care about him enough for it to feel right. I didn�t love him, so it wasn�t everything it should�ve been. It should�ve been an expression of how much I cared about him. It should�ve been marking him as mine. It should�ve been so I could hold him and make it better. It should�ve been beautiful, the way it is with Jeff. But I think somewhere along the lines I got lost and it got twisted. It wasn�t beautiful like it should�ve been. It wasn�t beautiful because it wasn�t really what he wanted and he didn�t understand that it wasn�t wrong.

I wasn�t hurting him just to hurt him. I was hurting him to show him that I cared. I was hurting him to show him I was giving him everything I had to give. Except I didn�t. I didn�t give him everything. Because the only person who�s ever had all of me is Jeff.

***

When I�m with Jeff I just give everything. I give myself to him completely. I don�t hold anything back. I love him with everything I have and everything I am. When I hit him it�s passion. It shows him how I feel about him, because I�m giving all I�ve got. Hurting him is the only way to show him how strong this feeling is, because it�s so strong it overwhelms me. It�s all the time and it�s forever and it�s more than I know how to deal with. But it�s beautiful. Hurting him is beautiful.

He lies there as I cut him and he�ll smile up at me like he loves me too. I draw the razorblade across his skin and I press a hand to his chest to feel his heartbeat as the blood wells up. He�s so beautiful like that. He�s so warm and alive and he runs his hand through my hair, looking up at me. My heart almost breaks every time I see him like that. I almost can�t believe he�s there and that we�re doing this, that I have this beautiful, perfect lover and he understands, accepts and actually needs me to do what I do. He�s not like Kurt. He doesn�t call this abuse. He knows what it is. He knows this is love.

He needs me to do this to him. He needs me to do it so he feels loved. Just like I need to do it to show love. That�s why we�re perfect for each other. The only problem is that he hates me. I don�t understand how he can and I don�t understand why he does, but I know he does. It�s just there in everything he says and every look he gives me, all the time we�re together. He should love me but he doesn�t. I can�t make him love me and I�m not going to try. But I�d like to understand why he hates me if nothing else. I know he knows we�re meant to be together, so I just don�t see how he can hate me. He needs me. He needs what I do to him. Although I know that I need him more than he needs me, even if he is broken and would just break down even more without me. I�m all that�s holding him together.

So maybe he wants to fall apart. Maybe he resents me because I love him, because I know he doesn�t love himself. There�s nothing about himself that he likes even the least little bit, and it doesn�t take a psychology doctorate to work that one out. I just wish he�d accept the fact that I love him and that I�ll always be here for him. I have that same unconditional love for him as Kurt did for me, and even if I know that should scare the hell out of me, it doesn�t. It�s right. Together, we�re right. He just needs to learn to love me back. God, if only it were that simple.

And I have another theory. It�s much more simple than him resenting me because I love him, too. I think he resents me because he knows this is right but I�m not the guy he wants it to be right with. He doesn�t love me because I�m not his brother. And he hates me because what we have is what he wants to have with Matt, only he thinks Matt could never feel the same way about him as he does about Matt. After all, he�s his brother. He shouldn�t love him, right? But he does. Just as much if not more than I love him, he�s in love with his brother. Half the time he�s with me I swear he�s wishing I were Matt. Because even if I know he wants me, I know he�ll always want Matt more.

***

It feels strange being here, in their hotel room. Which in itself is pretty strange because it�s not like I�ve never been in their room before and it�s not like I ever felt this way then. I�ve even been in their home without feeling this way, made love to my lover in his own bed there. But for some reason tonight it feels like I�m trespassing, even if I�m here to see Jeff and it should be perfectly acceptable for me to be here. I guess the problem is that he doesn�t know I�m here. I�m sitting in here on his bed on my own, waiting for him to come back. I don�t want to be here because I know it�s not right. This isn�t my room and he isn�t expecting me. Hell, it can�t be right if I had to bribe the maid to let me in. But I can�t leave now. I�ve come too far.

I�m not sure where they are and I�m not sure I even want to know. They�re probably out drinking with those irritating blonde Canadian friends of theirs and being mobbed by and army of screaming teenage girls. I don�t know why they even bother going out if that�s all that�s going to happen all night long, although I guess for Jeff it�s more about being with his brother than it is about actually going out. And I suppose it�s the same thing for Matt. They don�t get much time together anymore, thanks to Matt practically living out with those same irritating Canadians and Jeff practically living with me. And that�s the way it has to be, so I don�t grudge him nights out. I wish he wouldn�t go, but I don�t try to stop him. I don�t want to have to find out if he�d listen to me or not.

But right now I know I can�t stop him. Three days ago I called him and he told me he needed some space. I didn�t know how to react to that then, just like I don�t really know how to react now, so I just told him okay and hung up. I haven�t spoken to him since. So I�m pretty sure I have no hold over him anymore, if I ever did in the first place.

I don�t even want to think about this. Because I don�t want to know what he meant by �space�. Because I know if I think about it I�m just going to come to the conclusion that he�s leaving me. That�s usually what it means when someone says they want space. That�s usually what I mean. It�s a polite way of saying �I�m bored of you now, let�s see other people until we�ve drifted so far apart I don�t even have to tell you it�s over�. And the thought of him leaving me is just fucking scary. So I don�t want to think about it.

And this is the reason I�m here, sitting in their room waiting for him. I don�t even care if his brother�s with him when he comes back because I just need to see him. We need to talk. I need to make him see that he can�t leave me. I think he�ll ask Matt to leave if he�s with him, anyway. I know he doesn�t care if Matt knows about us, but I don�t think he�d want him to be here while we talk. Or we could leave and go to my room. I don�t care where we are as long as I get to do this. But I don�t think I could do it with Matt around. And honestly I don�t think he�d let me.

So here I am, waiting, and all I can do is think about what I�m going to do when he gets here. I�m nervous about it, too. I�ve never done anything like this. I�m not going to say that I haven�t thought about it, but I haven�t done it. I don�t really know what�s going to happen. All I know is that I have to do this because if I don�t then he�s going to leave me. He�s probably going to leave me and tell Matt how he feels and then everything will be great between them. Jeff could be happy and Matt could be happy and they�d be in love and everything would be great for the Hardy Boys.

Well, I�m sorry if I�m starting to sound like Raven, but what about me? Where would that leave me? Right back where I was after I left Kurt and before Jeff, only this time it would be a hundred times worse because not only would I be alone, I�d be alone without the only person I have ever loved in my entire life. And it wouldn�t even be like it was my choice. He�d be there the whole time, and I�d know what was going on with him and Matt even if no one else did. I�d have to see him everywhere I went, feeling like I do about him and knowing that he chose someone else over me. How painful would that be? I don�t ever want to know for sure, but I think I can imagine. Just like it feels right now knowing that he�s in love with someone else, only multiplied by about infinity. Because I can live knowing he loves someone else, as long as he�s with me. But if I had to live without him� I don�t even want to think about that. Not until there�s nothing left that I can do to keep him.

And right now there�s something I can do. There�s a way I can keep him from leaving me. All I have to do is wait for him to get here, then we can see if it works.

Because he can�t leave me. He just can�t. I�d do anything to keep him here with me, to stop him from leaving. Anything.

***

I sound like I�m losing my mind, thinking that I�d do anything. Because technically I know I wouldn�t. At least I don�t think I would. For one, I�m not ready to kill him to stop him from being with anyone else. Thank God I�m not that far gone. I love him too much to ever hurt him that way. And I respect him too much to think he doesn�t deserve to be happy, or that he deserves to die if he doesn�t want to be with me. I�d rather he be happy with someone else and leave me than him be dead and never have left me. I�ll never understand how anyone could kill someone they love to stop them from leaving, because surely it�s worse not having them in the world and knowing it�s your fault that they�re not there than it is to see them with someone else. I couldn�t kill him.

And I�m not ready to kill his brother so he wouldn�t leave me, either. I know it would solve the problem of him leaving me for Matt, but I can�t say that I really want to kill anyone, let alone someone I know that Jeff loves. Matt�s his brother and I couldn�t expect him to be with me if I�d killed him. I�d never be able to look him in the face without thinking about his brother and what I�d done, even if it was all to keep him. I found myself wondering what it would be like to kill Matt, to murder him, to do it in cold blood, premeditated, and see if I could get away with it, but I couldn�t quite believe that I was seriously thinking about it. I love him, but I don�t think that would justify killing anyone, let alone his brother. If I thought it would actually make things better then I might think about it, but I know it wouldn�t. And when it comes down to it, I don�t want to kill Matt. And I don�t want to spend the rest of my life behind bars or on death row.

So if I�m not going to kill Jeff and I�m not going to kill Matt, and if I�m not going to kill myself which I�m just going to totally discount as a possibility right now because I know I could never kill myself, what am I going to do? Simple. I�m going to do the only thing I can to convince him that he has to stay with me.

You see, I know he wants me. And I know he needs me, because I�m the only one who understands him and what he needs. I know him. I know him better than anyone, better than his friends, better than Matt, and he knows it. He needs me and what I do to him, because I�m pretty sure this is the only way he knows how to feel loved. I know he�d do practically anything for me to keep doing this to him, to show him that I need him. And he�ll let me do anything to him. He�ll let me beat him and bruise him and cut him and fuck him �til he can�t stand. He�ll let me do absolutely anything that I want. He�d do anything for me.

I just need to show him that I�d do anything for him too. I just need to show him that he can have all of me and do whatever he wants. I just need to show him that I�ll spend my whole life and give everything I have to give to make him as happy as he makes me. Then maybe he�ll stay. Because he doesn�t know Matt loves him, and he thinks Matt would disown him if he knew. And because he should know he�s never going to get this kind of devotion from anyone but me. I�m the only one who can love him like he needs to be loved.

But I�m not going to deceive myself. I�m not doing this for him, and I�m not doing it because I think he�ll be happier with me. I know Matt could make him happier with just one kiss than I could if I tried anything and everything I know how. I�m not doing this for Jeff, and I�m not doing this for anyone else. I�m being selfish. I need him with me so bad that I don�t know what the fuck I�ll do if I lose him. I don�t ever want to have to wake up alone again. I don�t ever want to have to wonder what it might�ve been like if we�d been together even a day longer. I don�t want to have to see him from across a room and know that I can�t hold him because he�s not mine anymore, not that he ever was. So I�m doing this to keep me sane. I�m going to do everything I can to keep him, because I don�t want to have to live without him. For once, what I�m doing is all for me.

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End (although it�s kinda continued in the next story in the series...)
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On to For You