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Title: Foolish Games
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: R again. Oh dear, I�m back down from NC-17 again.
Content: Let�s see. Violence, angst, m/m sex, blood, some slightly dubious consent...
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Sequel to �Here With Me� from Stevie�s POV. Somewhat to do with the ECW announcement on Raw 7-9-01, but more to do with Raven and Stevie�s past.
Notes: Uh, for Ravenette as she�s the one who insisted I write something about Stevie to follow up �Here With Me�. Inspired by the song �Foolish Games� by Jewel. The lyrics aren�t in the fic, by the way!

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Foolish Games
***

I used to think I couldn�t live without you, that if you left me I�d just shrivel up and die because I loved you so much. I used to think I was nothing without you, that my whole life meant nothing if you weren�t there in it, that without you I had nothing left. So I clung to you like a scared child, so terrified you were going to leave me that I would�ve done anything. I did everything you ever asked of me. I was your slave, every inch of me, all the time we were together. And all you ever did in return was hurt me.

Except that�s not quite the whole truth now is it � to be fair I should admit that in the beginning you were good to me. After you�d spent two months trying to seduce me, of course. Because when we first met I was still struggling with my sexuality; I remember looking at you across the locker room and wanting things from you that I�d never really believed I�d wanted from anyone. I�m not saying you were my first, because you weren�t be a long shot, but you were the first guy I felt more than a passing attraction for. I wanted you bad but I was embarrassed as hell about it. But you showed me that what I was feeling was okay, that you even felt the same way about me, and after two months of denying myself I finally gave in and we got together.

And for a while you really were good to me. You took me out places, you kissed me like you meant it, we were just like any normal couple. We were a couple, the two of us, together, Raven and Stevie. And it was good. It was the best I�d ever had because it was the first time I�d been with a guy without it being just about sex � I cared about you and I thought you cared about me. I thought you were perfect, like a fucking god or something. I adored you. I practically worshipped the ground you walked on and the air you breathed. I know I must have acted like an awestruck teenager hanging on every word you said and every move you made, but somehow, even though I know you noticed, you never seemed to care. I really believed my life couldn�t get any better. I thought it was perfect.

We�d spend hours just lying there in bed together, warm and happy, you holding me, stroking back my hair and smiling down at me. You were so good to me, letting me just lie there in your arms, staring up at you like you were the most beautiful thing in the world. I�d reach up and touch your face, tracing the line of your cheekbone or your jaw or your lips with trembling, disbelieving fingertips, then I�d tangle my fingers in your hair and hold your neck as I kissed you. It was like I was trying to convince myself that this was real, that I wasn�t just dreaming you. Sometimes you really did look so perfect I could almost believe you were a dream. But then, my whole life was a dream, something beautiful I�d never dared hope I could have and that I never wanted to wake from.

And then things changed. Maybe it didn�t seem sudden to you because you were careful to do it all so gradually like you were fooling me, but it was sudden to me. Because the first time you hit me my whole world was turned upside down. All it took was the feel of your hand as it struck my cheek that first time for me to see that you�d changed. And I knew there was something very wrong and very different between us, but I was powerless against it as it just got stronger and stronger.

You see, by the time I realised just exactly how fucked you were, it was already too late. I was in love with you and there was nothing I could do.

***

For a couple of months the beatings got progressively worse. I guess for a start you couldn�t even call it beating, because all you did was slap me or shove me down. But I always knew it was going to get worse. I don�t� know how to explain � I guess I just looked at you and knew from the look you gave me that it wasn�t going to stop at a slap or a shove. And I was right. It only got worse.

I knew what you were doing was wrong. I think if you ask most people alive today if it�s right to beat someone for seemingly no reason at all they�ll say it�s wrong, because we were just raised to know it. I think sometimes even you knew it, because once in a while I�d look up at you and see the shame shining in the tears in your eyes as your fist connected with my jaw.

And I never understood how I could love you so much despite everything you did to me. I should have hated you. I should�ve told you that it wasn�t what I wanted and how wrong I knew it was, and I should�ve left you. But I couldn�t. I�d already fallen for you before you started to hurt me, and no matter how hard I tried to hate you for what you did, all I ever managed to see when I looked at you was the man I�d fallen in love with. I hated myself for that. It just made me realise how weak I was.

And for a while I guess I thought I deserved it, y�know? I know now that no one deserves what you were doing to me then, but I really believed I deserved it. And sometimes I wondered if there was anything I could do to stop it, then I�d try everything I knew to keep you happy so you wouldn�t hurt me. It�s just that it wasn�t even like you were hurting me that bad, and I think that�s what confused me most. You just gave me the occasional bruise, slapped me, maybe pushed me down or gripped a little too tight. So it never occurred to me that you could be doing it for any other reason than you were angry with me. Sometimes I could almost convince myself that you were so angry that you didn�t even mean to do it.

So I went on blaming myself and hoping that one day I�d find a way to keep you from doing it. I went on pretending that I didn�t sometimes cry myself to sleep and that everything would turn out right between us even though deep down that was when I knew that what we had together was doomed. I pretended like it was all okay.

Until one day. Until the first day you really opened up on me. That was when I finally realised that there was more to it than simple anger. I didn�t want to know what it was right then because right then you were literally tearing me apart inside with the way you were fucking me, but I knew there was more. Because anger couldn�t explain the bruises, the cuts, the split lip. Anger couldn�t explain the way you hit me �til my eye swelled shut, �til it felt like I was dying inside with every breath I took. And anger sure as hell didn�t explain the way you picked me up, set me down in the tub and washed away all the blood with your hands.

I can still remember how that felt. I was lying there in the warm water, lying back against your chest, feeling you breath under my back as you cleaned the blood from me. I could feel your breath soft on my shoulder, and you were so warm and safe� Your fingertips played at the ends of my hair, and when you pressed a kiss to my forehead and almost smiled down at me it didn�t feel like anger anymore.

When you held me like that the tears subsided. Tentatively I took your hand, and when you kissed me I knew it was okay. I smiled. Because I knew it wasn�t my fault anymore.

***

I woke up the morning after the night before and I looked up straight into your eyes. You�d been watching me � I didn�t know for how long, but you had. It felt good to know you were there because I�d half expected you to leave, but you hadn�t. You were there beside me, watching me sleep. And for a moment as I looked at you your eyes weren�t guarded. I saw what I thought I�d seen and felt the night before � that force inside of you that was so much more than anger � and that was when I knew, when I couldn�t deny it anymore.

You see, before that night I think when you hit me it really was about anger. I don�t think it was my fault, but I think you were angry at yourself about something and you were taking it out on me. But that night, when you really hurt me, and every night and day you did it after that, you weren�t angry with me. You weren�t doing it to punish me. You weren�t hurting me to *hurt* me. You weren�t even hurting me because you liked it. You were hurting me because you loved me.

The moment I finally realised that was kinda strange. I mean, I�d never even though of violence as an expression of anything but hate before then, let alone love, and now that I was thinking about it there were no words for how strange it was. I questioned myself over and over, trying to figure out if I was just seeing what I wanted to see or if this was something I really had felt, because this isn�t exactly the kind of think you come across every day. And I couldn�t come up with any reason how I knew � I just did. But it wasn�t just a feeling. I *knew*. You loved me. That�s what the bruises told me.

For the longest time I couldn�t figure out why you couldn�t just tell me. It would�ve been a hell of a lot simpler and a hell of a lot less painful for you just to say �hey, Stevie, I love you�, but you never did. All I ever got to tell me how you felt were cuts and bruises. And for a while I thought that was enough, I really did. I thought I�d be okay if I just knew that you loved me, because I wasn�t sure I could ever leave you and that was my excuse right there. You loved me. And knowing you felt that way about me� I guess I felt better about being hit.

But you really did hurt me, I hope you know that. And I�m not just talking about the physical stuff because that was always obvious. It hurt my heart and my feelings. It hurt knowing you could never tell me how you felt. Because in the end I realised that had to be the problem. You couldn�t tell me because you were scared of rejection. That was why all your other relationships were so short � you bailed out before you could get hurt. And that would�ve been fine, except I would never have rejected you.

I loved you, Raven. I loved you more than I�ve ever loved anyone in my entire life. I would�ve done anything for you, you should�ve known that. After those years of you beating me within an inch of my life sometimes two or three times a week you should�ve known I wasn�t going to reject you if you�d told me you loved me. That was what I wanted. And it would�ve made everything right between us if you�d only said the words.

If only you�d said the words. Because maybe then I could�ve stayed with you. But as it was you beat me and beat me until I wasn�t sure I could be with you much longer and stay alive. I didn�t have a choice. I had to leave you. It was either that or stay and die.

***

I think I broke your heart the day I left you. Sometimes I wonder if that�s wishful thinking, but I must have. I know you loved me, and I know you were so scared of rejection it must�ve physically hurt � the look on your face as I told you I thought it was time for me to leave almost broke my heart too. I didn�t want to leave you. I just knew I had a choice between staying with you feeling like I was worthless no matter how much I knew you loved me, feeling like I was going to die every time you hit me, and leaving you. It was a hard decision to make. But I guess I always knew that things between us could never be the way I wanted them to be, and I knew you could never leave me, so I chose to leave you.

I hope you know I didn�t leave you because I stopped loving you, because I didn�t. And I hope you know I didn�t leave you for Lodi, even if that�s who I left you with. I just needed someone there with me to make sure I didn�t cave and go back to you before I�d even made it past the door. I always felt like a child around you, like I looked up to you and depended on you, and if he hadn�t been there I probably would never have been able to say the words in the first place, let alone leave.

But I did. And I ended up in the WWF. It was sort of a dream come true, a fresh start away from you, away from the Flock, away from following you around like a little lost sheep. It was great. I actually started to enjoy what I was doing again, like I was free from everything that had tied me down and I�d become a person in my own right, not just your lackey and your shadow. I guess my name was still associated with you to some people, but there was a whole new set of fans out there who didn�t even know who Raven was. I thought I was happy.

I met people, made friends. I went on dates. I met Jeff Hardy. We saw each other casually, went for drinks, got to know each other. I liked him and he liked me. Then all of a sudden we were in a serious relationship � the first one I�d had since you. And it was good. I honestly thought I was falling for him. But then you joined the WWF and my relationship went to hell.

I clung to him hard for the first three weeks, trying to ignore the fact that you were there, But I had to accept it. And the moment I did, I knew I couldn�t be with Jeff anymore. We split up, and I don�t think I�ve ever been able to explain why. He probably hates me now. And you never even knew we were together. That was the way I wanted it.

And for nine months I practically ignored you. Our paths didn�t have to cross much and that suited me just fine. Except you�d think I would�ve been able to get on with my life. I couldn�t.

I jumped into a chain of failed relationships, not really caring who they were of what they wanted. I was looking for distraction and they gave me that but you were always there like a light in the back of my mind. I couldn�t stop thinking about you. I was looking for something that none of them could give me. Edge�s romance, Test�s chatter, Hunter�s sex games � none of it was what I was looking for, none of it was what I needed. I couldn�t see what I could do.

But then I found out about the ECW angle and that kind of had me excited. But I guess the RTC wasn�t welcome because I wasn�t invited, not that I would�ve joined up anyway. I had a feeling I knew where that would put me, and I�d grown up too much in the year we�d been apart to wind up standing in your shadow again.

But it made me think. I started thinking back over all the time we spent together, over ECW and WCW, over everything I�d ever done or ever been with you. The more I thought, the more it made sense. The more I thought, the more I couldn�t deny it. I knew what I had to do.

***

I didn�t mean to do what I did last night. It wasn�t part of the plan. But the second I saw you out in the parking lot after the show, that whole plan went straight to hell.

I waited for you outside, and just when I was starting to wonder if I was doing the right thing, just when I was starting to wonder if I should leave and forget about it, you were there. I could feel my heart skip and as I stepped out and watched the shock wash over your face, I couldn�t keep myself from smiling. I couldn�t stop myself then.

I didn�t say a word, I just took your wrist in my hand and guided you aside � I was staring into your eyes so intently that I almost didn�t stop to acknowledge the guys. But I did. And then we were standing together, my hand still wrapped around your wrist, my fingers over your veins, and I could feel how fast your heart was beating.

You almost couldn�t meet my eyes. And when you did, I saw it. I saw everything you were feeling in that second; you were still in love with me after all this time, you felt so guilty for everything. I�d never expected to see that. I�d never expected you to admit to yourself that you were wrong. After all, I figured if you ever did then the first thing you�d do was come to me and tell me you were sorry. But this was a special kind of guilt, not just knowing you were wrong and needing to tell me you were sorry but feeling ashamed, too. You were so ashamed that you hadn�t even been able to talk to me.

And then you frowned and looked up at me, opening your mouth like you were going to speak. I couldn�t help myself. I didn�t want you to talk. I didn�t want to hear a single word you had to say. You didn�t need to say anything. And in that moment my whole plan just seemed unimportant. I kissed you. Soft, like I was trying to tell you it was all okay, but then I had another idea and suddenly I was pressing to you hard enough to bruise the both of us. The look in your eyes told me what you wanted. I knew it was what I wanted too.

So when I took your wrist again and led you to my car, you didn�t try to stop me. You didn�t say a word. And you were quiet when we got to the hotel, when I hit you. You just let me do it to you, everything I knew I had to do. I beat you so hard that I think maybe you blacked out. I beat you until my hands were aching and bloody, �til you were bleeding and bruised, and you didn�t even try to stop me.

Then I was inside you. I couldn�t believe what I was doing, but I knew I had to do it. And you felt so good, like I�d never imagined you could. We�d never done that before � I�d never asked and I�d never expected you to offer. But there was I was doing it, feeling you around me, giving you everything I had. I must have hurt. I knew how it must have felt because you�d done it to me so many times.

None of that had been part of the plan. But the plan didn�t matter, because I knew what I was doing, what we were doing, was right. Even if it was just that one time.

I thought maybe you�d understand that this was me standing there in front of you with my heart in my hands, maybe you�d understand how I felt, if I showed you the same way you�d shown me.

***

I watched you sleeping this morning. I woke up early and I lay beside you in my bed, watching as you slept. I was wondering if things could have turned out differently, that if I stayed there with you you�d wake up and we�d sit together, eat breakfast together, sit at the table in my hotel room and talk like we used to. You were amazing in the morning, even if you never really were a morning person. That was when we�d have our best conversations. We�d talk about anything and everything over our coffee as we slowly woke up, and even if I never really felt like I was a part of you, even if I always felt like you kept me at a distance and everything I saw was like seeing you in a case behind glass, like something perfect I couldn�t touch and I was incidental to your life, it was always a good time. I�d sit and listen to you, watch you as you smiled, feel so happy because you were letting me be there with you. I wondered if it could be like that again.

But I know you�re not that perfect now. I�m na�ve enough to believe you�re perfect or even good. But you looked perfect when I was watching you sleep this morning. I almost felt guilty for the bruises on your face, on your body. Almost. Except I couldn�t because I knew it was right and I knew you wouldn�t blame me. It was painful to watch you because you looked so damn beautiful, so innocent. SO I watched you sleeping then I left the bed, dressed and left the room.

I�ve been wandering around the lobby for fifteen minutes now. I stopped by the gift shop and stared at the snow globes for almost half an hour. I wasn�t really looking, I just needed to look like I was doing something while I stood there and thought, stood there and went over what happened in my head. I just felt cold, like I couldn�t believe what had happened. It felt like someone else had done all that, like I�d just been watching it happen, but I knew I�d done it. And that felt good to know.

I�d never done anything like that before. I�d never hit someone that way, I�d never forced myself on anyone � and that�s what it was, even if I knew you wanted me to do it. I�d never known I was even capable of doing all that. I�d never even thought about it. But I�d done it, and I�d done it to you. You! I mean, that in itself is pretty amazing. I never thought I was as strong as you, in any way. I was always the one in the background, always the one under you, the one bleeding and needing you. I never knew you needed me.

But you did. I saw that last night. You need me. You always did. You loved me so much and you�re the one who was nothing without me. I always thought I�d be nothing without you, but it was the other way around because I could have lived without you. I was doing fine when I didn�t have to see you � I had a lover who loved me, I had friends, I had a life that was looking good for the first time in years. You were just a wreck.

But I know there was always something missing when you weren�t there. Always. I think I would�ve left Jeff in the end even if you hadn�t been there. He just reminded me of me, back when I was with you. He was helpless with me. I could have done anything and he would�ve stayed with me. I guess I really realised that last night, when I saw you outside the arena. I guess I realised that he was powerless with me, that I�d gotten into a relationship that could�ve been just like you and me. I could�ve broken Jeff. But I got out before that happened.

I don�t know if things would ever have gone that far with him. I think maybe I would�ve stopped before things went too far. Because I�ve always known I loved you. Every once in a while I�d find myself wanting to call you and ask you to take me back. But last night something else happened.

You see, I did what I did because of you, because of the way you looked at me. It wasn�t because I�d planned it, because I hadn�t. I just saw that you needed it and that I knew I needed it too. Maybe it was because of the guilt I saw � you needed me to punish you for what you�d done to me all that time. And I needed to show you that I�d give you what you wanted. I needed you to know that I loved you just as much as you loved me.

***

I don�t know if I can go back to the room. I don�t know if I want to. I don�t want to go back and find it�s empty, that you�ve left. I don�t want you to have left. But I guess I need to see if you have because that�s how I�ll know if this was really right. I hope it was.

I hope I didn�t make a huge mistake doing what I did. I hope you know I didn�t do it to hurt you. I didn�t do it to show you that I could hurt you the way you hurt me, to show you that you had no power over me anymore, because that�s just not true. That�s not the reason I did it at all. But at least it showed you how I felt if nothing else.

And maybe you know all of that. Maybe when I go back you�ll be there lying in my bed, waiting for me. That�s what I want. That�s why I did this, and why I left the room.

You think I�ve grown up so much since I left you. I thought it too. So did everyone else. I thought I was a different person. I thought I was someone who knew what you did to me was wrong, I thought I was someone who could rationalise all this, say that I left you and I was staying away from you because it was what was best for me and maybe in the long run for both of us. I thought I was the person who knew that things could never work out between us. Last night I found out I was wrong.

Do you know what I was going to do? Do you know what my big plan was? When I saw you, I was going to ask you if you�d take me back. Because I couldn�t be without you.

It�s odd. After I left you I thought I was fine. But I never was. I was being the person I knew I was supposed to be. I didn�t even look like I was the same anymore, because I got older and I cut off all my hair, even though and maybe because I knew you always liked it. I was that guy who knew everything about our relationship was wrong. But you never knew it was wrong like I did. And when I realised that, I knew. When I looked at you, I knew. Deep down I didn�t give a damn if it was wrong or not. Because I wanted you. I want you. I love you and I need you and I don�t care what I have to do to be with you. I�m not that guy that knows we can never work out. Because the only reason we can�t is if I�m that guy. And I don�t think I was ever really him to begin with, I just wanted to be. I wanted to be different from you. But I�m not.

I know things can work out. I don�t care what you do to me if it means I get to be with you. I was going to let you take me away and do whatever you wanted to do to me last night. I was going to go back. I was going to be myself, be the guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with you and doesn�t care if you never tell him how you feel. I was going to let you hurt me.

Except I saw the way you looked at me and I hurt you first.

***

I don�t know if I can go back to the room. I don�t want to have to face you. I don�t want to know if you�re there or not. Because I don�t think I�m going to be able to live with myself if you�ve left.

But I want you to know. I want you to know that I only did this for you, because it was what you wanted me to do � I thought this was the only way you�d ever forgive yourself for what you did to me. I don�t know if I was right. I don�t know if you�ll understand the way I need you to. I don�t know if you�ll ever understand why I did what I did. I don�t think you�ll ever understand that I wanted things to go back to the way they were. But I want to find out if you do.

So can I go back? I�m scared. Even if you�re there then I don�t know if you�ll understand, I don�t know what will happen. I�m scared of what your guilt could mean. If you take me back then will things ever be the same? I don�t think the could be. Because you know what you did was wrong. You�re sorry for it. But does that mean you�re ready to tell me? I can�t even hope that.

But if you can�t hurt me, and if you still love me, then you�d have to tell me. I know you love me. I know you want me back. When I held you last night, when you looked up into my eyes, when I kissed you and felt you pull me in closer, I knew you wanted me back. If you�re still there then you�ll have to tell me because you don�t know that I wanted you to take me back.

I�m scared you�ll tell me. I�m scared for you, because I know how terrified you are. And I don�t know if I want you to say it, because I don�t know if I could deal with getting the one thing I ever wished for. All I ever wanted was for the games to stop, and for you to say you love me. I don�t know if I could handle being that happy. And all it would ever have taken was for us to tell each other how we felt, to quit playing this stupid fucking game. If you�d just told me then none of this would ever have needed to happen, our hearts wouldn�t have had to get broken. But I think you know that. I think that�s why you feel so guilty.

It�s making me ill just thinking about this. But I have to go back. I have to find out if you�re there. If you are that I have to ask you to take me back. And maybe if I ask you before you can tell me, everything can be the way it was. Maybe you�ll pretend like last night never happened. Maybe I can be yours again. Or maybe you�ll remember everything, maybe you�ll tell me before I can say a word, and you�ll be mine as well.

I�m scared to find out. I�m scared you won�t be there, and scared that you will. So maybe I won�t go back after all.

***
End
***