Title: Firsts
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: R
Content: Nothing excessively bad. A little language, some clich�d form of m/m sex, stuff like that.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless by some bizarre accident of nature I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form.
Distribution: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Oh yes I have written a clich�. I promised myself I never would, but here it is in Hunter/Kurt form.
Notes: If you read a fic of mine called �Lie to Me�, you�ll notice that the first paragraph of each is almost exactly the same. This is because I wrote the first paragraph then forgot what I was going to write after it, wrote �Lie to Me� based on what I�d written in that paragraph then realised what I wanted to write and wrote this. But since it�s my paragraph I can do what I want with it, so there :)
And a note to Twig � I got the idea of Kurt wearing a cross from you, but I�ve used it in a completely different way so please don�t be mad at me!

***
Firsts
***

You were the first person I ever loved. And in my whole life, you�re the only person I�ve ever loved. I never lied when I said I loved you. I never lied when I said I thought you�d be the only person I�d ever love, and that you were the only person I�d ever loved. I never told you a single lie in all the time we were together. It�s not in my nature. You know that.

So when I say that before I met you I�d never had a real, true attraction to another man, you know I�m telling the truth. You should do. I mean, when you first asked me out I said no and I told you I wasn�t gay. Because I honestly didn�t think I was. I�d only ever been attracted to women, and there had incidentally been quite a lot of them. I know you remember me telling you that, that I�m not gay. You just smiled and nodded then walked away.

But you didn�t take no for an answer and when I saw that I started to wonder why. I�d told you in no uncertain terms that I wasn�t interested in you, and yet you were still there, still trying to convince me I�d made the wrong choice. You�d ask me to go to dinner, ask me if I wanted to go to the movies, if I wanted to grab a pizza and watch some TV, and every time, however innocent it may�ve been or seemed to be, I said no. I didn�t even come up with an excuse why not, I just told you I didn�t think it was a good idea for me to do that. I never gave you the impression that I had any interest in you whatsoever, or so I thought. So I think, because I can�t remember a time when I led you on in the slightest.

Except you never gave up. And the longer it went on the more I started to question why, and to question myself. Did you see something in me that I could see in myself? Was what I believed about myself actually true? I had to admit I was flattered that you were still interested in me, and in the beginning that�s all I thought it was � I thought I was flattered. But then I started to ask myself if it was more, because if I really wasn�t interested then shouldn�t your constant attention have annoyed me or something? But it never did. That�s what really made me wonder. And I think that�s what made me do what I did the next time you asked me.

�So, Kurt�, you said, walking over across the locker room. I was pulling on my sneakers, getting ready to leave, and I looked up at you to see you smiling down at me just slightly. You never smiled a full smile, just that little hint curling at the corners of your mouth or that damned Hunter Hearst Helmsley smirk. This time it was the smile. And I found myself smiling back. �Wanna go grab a drink or something?�

I looked up at you and I frowned. And I know you thought I was going to say no. Hell, I even thought I was going to say no. But I didn�t.

�Just a drink?� I asked. Then you were frowning too.

�I�m sorry, what are you asking?�

�I mean, just a drink? You�re not asking me on a date and you�re not gonna want to kiss me at the end of the night or anything? �Cause I don�t think I can do that. I�m just not��

�I know, you�re not gay�, you sighed, shoulders sagging a little. And I caught your arm as you started to turn away from me.

�That�s not what I was going to say�, I said, marvelling at what I was saying. I hadn�t even known it until I�d started to say it. And I couldn�t believe I was actually going to say it to you. �I was going to say I�m just not ready yet�.

You looked at me, still frowning, my hand still on your arm and I didn�t want to pull it away. �So you�re saying��

�No, I�m not gay. I don�t think I am. I�m not attracted to guys. At least I haven�t been. It�s just you� you�re� I can�t explain it really. Look, let�s just go get a drink and we�ll see what happens, okay?�

You nodded, this fascinated and pretty darn shocked look on your face, and we left the room together.

***

You know what happened next. We went to a bar, you drove, and we sat there with two drinks on the table and this silence hanging between us. We couldn�t even look at each other, and I realised that you had as little idea what we were doing there as I did. It was awkward. Because I had no idea what I was doing there and you weren�t sure what to do with me now you had me there. But I knew things could only get better from then on.

And they did. We started talking and we didn�t stop until we got back to the hotel. I don�t really remember exactly what we talked about and I guess it doesn�t matter, we just sat there together and somehow managed to find something to talk about for three whole hours. It wasn�t even like we were on a date because we were just sitting there talking like we were friends or something. Good friends. Like we hadn�t been so incredibly awkward with each other just a few minutes before. And it was good. Even when we got back to the hotel and you walked me back to my room, and we were standing there outside the door, neither one of us quite sure what we were supposed to do. So I just muttered �night, Hunter�, quickly kissed your cheek then disappeared into my room.

I couldn�t believe what I�d done. And I don�t think you could either because I stood on my side of the door just staring into the dark room and it wasn�t for about a minute that I heard you walk away. I guess I stunned us both.

And by the morning I�d convinced myself that I�d done something really stupid, kissing you like that. Because I still wasn�t sure that it was what I wanted, and I was convinced you�d think I was some sort of idiot. But apparently you didn�t because when I saw you later that day it didn�t seem that anything had changed. Except the way you were looking at me, because I couldn�t mistake that. You were attracted to me. And I found myself blushing as I realised.

We went out together every night for a week. We ate out, we saw some movie that I just sat through staring at the screen and wondering like a complete fool if it was stupid to want you to put your arm round my shoulders and took a couple of long walks back to the hotel together. I just kept wondering what I was supposed to do because I�d never been in a relationship with a guy before, and that was clearly what was happening. We were dating. We were getting to know each other. Because by the end of that week I knew a hell of a lot about you and you knew just the same about me. But I didn�t know how I was supposed to act or how I was supposed to feel because well, I�d always been the guy in all my relationships. Now I was with you what was I supposed to do?

It felt weird not knowing. I didn�t know what you expected of me and that was kinda uncomfortable. I wasn�t sure if you were expecting me to play the girl in this, whatever we had, because I�d never even been around guys in relationships. Sure so I knew gay guys, had gay friends, but they just seemed to act like friends most of the time, �til they got to their rooms where all they ever seemed to do was fuck like rabbits. But that wasn�t what we had. It was like an actual relationship and that was starting to weird me out.

I guess dominant women were always a turn-on for me, and I could see that you could probably dominate me the same way, well, a little differently but I was pretty sure you could be dominant. But I wasn�t sure if that�s what I wanted. Because how could I take myself seriously if I was being dominated, y�know, sexually, by another guy? Wouldn�t that make me less of a man? I kinda figured it would but it wouldn�t, in a way. It just made me a different kind of man, one who wanted to be dominated but was still masculine. I mean, a guy who wants to be dominated by a girl isn�t difficult to find. And being with a guy never seemed to make any of my friends any less masculine. In fact some of them were even more so in over-compensation, even the ones who were totally secure in their sexuality. I wanted to talk to them about it but I couldn�t bring myself to. They were all convinced I was totally one hundred percent heterosexual, and I wasn�t quite ready to set tongues wagging.

Oh, and of course there was the whole religious bit. I�m a Christian and isn�t homosexuality supposed to be a sin? Not that I�d ever really believed that, because how can something like this in an otherwise good person make them evil and deserving of some kind of punishment? That doesn�t seem right. But I thought about it. I sat on my bed tugging at the cross around my neck, the one that had been there for years that I think I wore more because I�d had it so long it had some kind of personal value more than the religious, wondering whether I could be right to do this. And I had no one to talk to about it that wouldn�t talk about me or condemn me from the start.

So I just had to deal with it myself. And I dealt with it that week. While we weren�t together I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I kept questioning myself, whether I was ready to do this, whether it was really what I wanted, whether it was right. I couldn�t seem to decide and I knew that wasn�t fair to you when you�d always been perfectly clear on what you wanted. I didn�t want to be leading you on. But as it turned out, I didn�t need to decide.

Because the last night that week, before we had to leave for another town and another taping, when we got back from a restaurant, as we were standing outside the door of my hotel room, you looked at me and asked if I�d mind if you kissed me. I just looked up at you and nodded, so you did.

You took a couple of steps closer and I just stood there kinda scared, wondering what was going to happen. You settled your hands on my shoulders and you lowered your head, looking into my eyes for a second before you brushed your lips over mine. I remember sighing and you smiled, just a little, before you pressed your lips to mine a little harder, but still soft. And that was when I knew. I felt myself lift one hand to the back of your neck, pull you in closer, deepen the kiss. For a start your beard felt a little weird against my skin but it didn�t freak me out the way I thought it would. It was just different. And not bad different. Feeling your arms wrapping around my waist wasn�t bad different either. Or your tongue tracing the outline of my lips, my teeth, tangling with mine as we stood in the corridor and kissed.

Then you pulled back and looked down at me, smiling. And I was smiling right back up at you, blushing. I know I was, my skin felt so hot, kinda tingly. There wasn�t a doubt in my mind. I wanted you. Whatever that meant about me, I was prepared to accept it. Just as long as that meant I got to have you.

***

My first time with a guy was with you, and that�s really the way it had to be. I know you were kinda hesitant about it, �cause you still weren�t convinced it was what I wanted, but I did and I�m glad it was with you.

I remember the night it happened, obviously. Like I remember my first time with a girl, but this was very different. Obviously. I didn�t even know I was going to go through with it until we got to my hotel room after dinner, and suddenly I knew. I asked you in, which wasn�t exactly a rare occurrence since basically we�d been spending a lot of time together in each other�s rooms, watching TV, ordering room service and making out, but I think you knew there was something different about this night when I actually asked you if you wanted to come in. I hadn�t had to ask for about two weeks then. But I did, and after looking at me for a couple of seconds with that weird kinda frown on your face, you said yes.

I closed the door and locked it before I kissed you. You must�ve known what I had in mind then, and I think you did judging by the look you gave me as I pulled back. And as I started to pull off your shirt.

I think you asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted and I just nodded and pulled off my shirt too. I was so nervous then, trying to con myself into believing I knew what I was doing when really it didn�t take a genius to work out how to undress someone. I hadn�t got a clue what to do next. And I must�ve hesitated or fumbled or something when I got to your zipper �cause you caught my wrists then did it yourself. I stood back and watched you kick off your boots and slip off your jeans, standing there next to the bed completely naked.

And I was scared. I didn�t know what I was doing even if I knew it was what I wanted, and I think you must�ve picked up on that.

�We don�t have to go any further if you don�t want to�, you told me. �I can get dressed and we can just watch a movie or something. Whatever you want�.

Somehow I managed to tear my eyes away from your cock long enough to look into your eyes. �Oh, I want to do this�, I said, smiling at how your eyes lit up then. I toed off my sneakers and pulled off my track pants, and I took a couple of steps forward, toward you.

I flinched as you touched me, your hands on my waist. But then I stepped forward again, reached behind you and pulled the tie from your hair.

�I�ve wanted to do that for three weeks now�, I told you, and you smiled.

�Well, I�ve wanted to do *this* for three months�, you said. And I kissed you.

I don�t remember how we ended up on the bed or how you ended up on top of me, but the next thing I knew that�s where we were and we were still kissing, you lying between my thighs, leaning on your forearms, hair hanging around your face and mine. I remember it being so hot, your skin on mine, lips on mine, lying there. I remember how much I wanted you. I was bucking up against you and you were rocking your hips back, lips on my throat now, breath hot against me, and I was moaning softly, just wanting you so badly. I was already in love with you then. I think I had been since the night we first kissed if not before. And although it kinda scared me, I was past caring. All I knew was it was right. It had to be. I was so in love and you were so perfect � all I wanted then was for you to make love to me and I knew everything would be okay.

You leant down off the bed and grabbed your bag, pulling something out of a pocket. A bottle of baby oil. I�ll never understand why it is you always seem to have that hanging around, but I guess I�m grateful for it. You leant back, kneeling between my legs now, squeezing some of it out onto your hand, warming it and watching the expression on my face. You looked at your hands for a second then at the pillows, grimaced.

�Could you, uh, put a pillow under your hips, Kurt?� you asked. �I think I�d make a mess�.

I smiled nervously and grabbed the pillow, sliding it under my hips and feeling vaguely foolish as I lay there, basically offering myself to you. I�m not sure but I think that might�ve been the moment you realised I actually wanted you. Because I was giving myself to you willingly.

You mumbled something close to my ear about how it�d feel then slowly slid a finger inside me. It was a strange kinda foreign feeling but it didn�t feel bad. In fact, it felt kinda good. And it just kept getting better as you pushed in deeper then started to thrust in and out, eventually reaching a spot inside me that made me buck up off the bed and actually look up at you wide-eyed. You just grinned and did it again, added a finger, added another� You were stretching me out further but I couldn�t really tell, it just felt good and I wasn�t really paying attention to technique right then.

But I was very aware of how good it felt and how much I wanted you inside me and not just your fingers. And that you were kneeling between my thighs, your cock hard and your free hand trailing over it, circling the head, brushing through your pre-come� I wanted to be doing that for you. I managed to reach up and bat your hand away somehow, though I think how I moved must�ve been some kinda of miracle of nature. You nodded and I guess you must�ve sensed my impatience �cause a couple of seconds later you were lying on top of me, kissing me breathless, hands all over me, tracing muscles, sliding over sweat-slicked skin, holding me tight.

�This is probably going to hurt�, you said, drawing back slightly. I nodded. And I swear I was prepared for it to hurt a hell of a lot more than it did. I think I was pretty far gone by then because it just felt good. Maybe like you were stretching me out a bit but it didn�t really hurt. And especially not as you hit that spot again, making me buck up against you, wrap my legs around your waist, grip your forearms as you leant over me.

I couldn�t believe how good it felt. And it was with you. I kinda stopped thinking right about then and didn�t start again until you were spent inside me, you�d managed to reach between us and drive me even further out of my mind, and we were both lying there on the bed taking deep breaths with limbs tangled together. It was just amazing. Especially considering it was a first time for me. I mean, shouldn�t it have been awkward and painful? But no, it wasn�t. It was just perfect. You made it perfect.

***

In the morning when I woke up in bed with you I couldn�t believe you hadn�t left. You were lying there with your head propped up on one hand, looking at me. You smiled as I opened my eyes and looked up at you, astonished. Because I sincerely thought you would�ve gone. You�d got what you�d been wanting from me for three months and I�d been prepared for it to be over.

But it wasn�t. You still wanted me. You wanted to be with me. And I realised that not everything with you was about sex. Yeah so you have a healthy libido, but so do I. And the sex was always great. But you actually wanted to be with me. Over the next week I realised that we actually had a real relationship. And it didn�t matter that I didn�t know what I was doing because no one ever really does. It didn�t matter that I didn�t have an official definition of my role either, because we were making it up as we went along. You didn�t have any preconceptions about how I�d be with you, we were just together. And it was perfect.

You know, I�ve never regretted being with you for a single second. You�re the reason I know this new part of me, that I haven�t gone through life thinking I�m completely straight and that I�ve done these new things I�ve done. I don�t just mean the sex, either. I mean actually being with someone, in a real long-standing relationship, making things work, having arguments and making up, going new places, being in love. Because if nothing else, I want you to know that I loved you. And I love you now. I�m happy I found out that was possible for me because I was beginning to think I�d go through my life never having loved anyone.

And I�d like to thank you for pointing something out to me, even if you didn�t exactly sit down and talk me through it. If I�d never met you I never would�ve realised that just because I�m perfectly happy doesn�t mean that the person I�m with is.

Okay so you maintain that you were. I don�t believe that for a second, because if you were then you wouldn�t have left me and we�d still be together. You wouldn�t be fucking Edge or Christian or whoever the hell it is now, and I wouldn�t be, well, without you.

You told me you had to leave because it just wasn�t working out. I couldn�t seem to understand what you meant because as far as I was concerned everything had been fine. Better than fine, everything had been great. It was always great. You never gave me the slightest indication you felt any differently, either. I mean, we�d been great together. We�d been so close. We�d known everything about each other, or so I thought. We�d spent so many nights lying in bed together, talking as you traced idle patterns on my hip with your fingers and tugging at the cross you never understood why I wore while I played with your hair. I knew every inch of you, and I still do. I think you�re burned into my memory. My first love. My only love, really. I thought we belonged together.

And you know what? I still think we do. Because for all the time we spent together, for however na�ve and inexperienced I was when we got together, I was better prepared for what happened than you were. I think I went into it not knowing what to expect whereas you were really looking for your newest fuckbuddy. Well that�s not the way it turned out, is it. Because we fell in love. Don�t even try to tell me you don�t love me because I know that�s a lie. You�re just as deep and as lost in love with me as I am with you and you always have been. And it scares you. You weren�t ready for that the way I was. So you got scared and you ran. I think it was a first for you the way it was a first for me. You left me even though we�re supposed to be together. I think it was always meant to be.

And maybe one day you�ll realise what a mistake you�ve made. You�ll want me back. And maybe I�ll be here, maybe I�ll take you back, but maybe I won�t. Yeah, Hunter, maybe I won�t.

***

You see, there�s something I�ve realised since you left me.

I was heartbroken. I know I was. I felt ill. I couldn�t even get out of bed for two days, and after that I just felt like breaking down all the time. I was acting like I�d seen other people act a million times before. I was miserable, completely. And that was because of you. I was hurting like hell because of you.

I went through the whole damn relationship trying to figure out what I�d done wrong. I wondered if I�d been over-affectionate or crowding or any of those things and I hadn�t been. I wondered if you�d ever shown any sign that you weren�t happy, and you hadn�t. I couldn�t find anything at all that could�ve made you want to leave me, and believe me, I thought about it for a long, long time, from every angle. I drove my friends insane going over and over it.

But then I decided I knew why you�d left. I stopped going over it. It didn�t make it hurt any less, but it made it better, just a little. God, I was still hurting. It was so painful to see you, even back then when it was just you alone. And even now, when I see you with other people and I know by the way you�re talking or how close you�re standing that you�re sleeping together. It hurts way down deep and I don�t think there�s anything I can do to make it stop.

The thing is, though, that I�ve realised something.

A week ago I broke my cross. You know, that one I always wore, that I�ve had since before the Olympics. It�s been with me through a lot, and I managed to break it. I can�t wear it anymore. I broke it. And that hurt. I actually cried because I broke the damn thing, a cheap piece of jewellery that I could replace a thousand times over. It made me so sad.

And you know what? I realised that for that one moment, breaking a piece of cheap jewellery hurt more than losing you. Hunter, as much as this scares me and as much as I hope I�m wrong, I think I�m getting over you. I can live without you. I hate to say it, but you�re just not that important. And you know, give me a month, two, maybe three, and I won�t need you. I might not want you back. If Chris Jericho has anything to do with it, I won�t. And maybe you can be happy with Edge or Jeff Hardy or whoever, but I don�t want to be happy without you.

I know you weren�t ready for what we had. I understand. But all I can say is you�d better realise what a fucking mistake it was to leave me soon because pretty soon I won�t be able to take you back. Even if it breaks my heart all over again.

You were the first person I ever loved. And in my whole life, you�re the only person I�ve ever loved. Come back to me, Hunter. I don�t want to love anyone else.

***
End
***