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Title: Don�t
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I�m going with the ever-safe rating of R.
Content: Language, implied m/m, sorta violence.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: What Stevie doesn�t understand about Raven.
Notes: Although this is supposedly Raven/Stevie, apart from the one single mention of a name, I guess it could be anyone � I read this back and almost changed that name to Kurt so I could switch back to Hunter/Kurt for a while and deny my hyperactive Raven muse. And I guess this was inspired by the song �Near Me Always� by Jewel. Lyrics not used in the fic, �cause I know how annoying it is when I do that...

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Don�t
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�Don�t do that�.

I must say that at least five times each and every fucking day, and you never have a fucking clue what I�m talking about. You just stand there or sit there or lie there or what-fucking-ever and stare at me with this wide-eyed and astonished look like �what did I do?� I can see your mind ticking away back there, trying to figure out what exactly you did wrong that got me so annoyed with you so you won�t do it again. You hate not knowing but you�re never going to figure it out. At least not for a long, long time.

You try to hard with me. I�ve never understood why you bother, really. I mean, it�s not even like you can say I�m worth it. I don�t but you presents, I don�t cook you dinner and I don�t really treat you that well � hell, half the time I�m not even that good company. I�ve never done anything to deserve you, but somehow you�ve always managed to deny that. You act like I�m perfect or something. But I�m not. I�m just not.

You try so hard to make me happy. Everything you do while we�re together is for me. You just give and give and give and never ask for anything at all in return. It�s sort of sweet that you do so much just because, if a little confusing. I mean, what the hell did I ever do for you? I just wanted you, seduced you and fucked you. That�s all I ever did. Apart from treating you like my own personal fucking slave, but obviously you�ve got that on some kind of mental block. You�ve never seemed to notice that there�s anything wrong with the way we are.

But there is. It�s not right and I wish you�d see that. Every time I raise my voice to you or ignore you or slap you in front of your friends, you should see that I�m just so wrong for you. But you don�t see. Either that or you do see and you just don�t care, and I�m not sure which idea is worse. One would mean you�re na�ve enough to believe this is okay and we�re just like a normal couple, and the other � you want to be with me so much it doesn�t matter what I do to you. I�m hoping it�s option a) but I have this terrible sinking feeling it�s not.

But the scariest thing is thinking it could be equal measures of both.

�Don�t do that�.

I�m practically fucking growling at you, but that�s the way I always say it, like maybe I�m angry enough to hit you or irritated enough to walk out. It�s like I can�t say it any other way. I can�t say it happy or sad or joking or even fucking exasperated for Christ�s sake, I just growl. And you�re just lying there next to me, frowning, with this look on your face that�s just about half way between shock and worry. You�re sacred I�ll leave you and surprised at what I�ve just said.

You really shouldn�t be surprised, but you always are. It�s just that I say it when you least expect it. I say it when you think everything�s fine. Tonight we were just lying in bed and you were holding my hand, you were staring into my eyes with this little half-smile on your face. Everything was perfect. That�s why you can�t figure out what�s wrong. Everything was perfect, for both of us. How could you have done anything wrong? But you figure you must have, or I wouldn�t have said it.

So you�re lying there, looking at me, trying to think what it could be that I don�t want you to do. I don�t know why you don�t just ask me what it is and save yourself the trouble, but you never have and I doubt you ever will. You�re going back over the whole night, remembering what you can and trying to analyse it. You�re trying to look at it from what you think is my perspective, asking yourself if there�s anything, anything at all, that you did that could have upset me in the least. And you�re coming up empty.

You�re looking at what you did just before I said the words and asking yourself if it was something I might not have wanted, but you�ll come to the same conclusion as always. Whatever you did shouldn�t have made me react like this. Especially as just moments before I seemed to be right there with you, enjoying the moment. You don�t understand � I can tell by the expression on your face, the defeat in your eyes. You want to make me happy and slowly you�re beginning to think that you can�t. You�re thinking maybe it�s not the things you do, maybe it�s just you.

You reach out to touch me, to brush back a stray lock of hair, but I catch your wrist and stop you before you�re near me.

�Don�t do that�.

I don�t know why you don�t just leave me. I�ve never treated you right and all this is just breaking you. You�d think that the humiliation and the confusion would be enough. Anyone would think you actually enjoyed it. But you just refuse to give up on me, even after everything. You should go, and I think maybe you know it. I�m not good for you. I�m just dragging you down and breaking your spirit. But you won�t leave. And I guess I know why.

You�re in love with me. It�s not hard to see. Hell, you tell me often enough. And really it�s the only explanation for why you�re still here, because if you didn�t love me you would�ve left months ago and now I�d be alone. And it�s not just that � I know you love me by the things you say and the way you say them, by the way your eyes light up when I walk into a room, the way you touch me like I�m something precious, the way you kiss me like you never want the moment to end.

And I guess I know it by the way you�ll never ask the question. Well, the two questions. One, you�ll never ask me what exactly it is that I don�t want you to do. It�s not because you�re scared of what I�ll say or because you don�t want to know, but because you�re trying to understand me. I wish you wouldn�t do that. The more you understand me the worse it gets.

And two � you�ll never ask me if I love you. I think you�re scared that I�ll say no.

You look into my eyes and frown, and I know you�re trying to figure me out.

�Please, don�t do that�.

I think I�d tell you if you asked, but I don�t want you to. I don�t want to have to admit it. Because it�s the answer I�d give that part of the problem. I love you and I don�t want to have to say it to anyone, least of all you.

I don�t know how I ended up this way. Way back when I first met you all I wanted was the physical stuff, to fuck you and dominate you. But somewhere along the line that got lost. I started to want more. I started to need more. Until I couldn�t let you go.

Every little thing you do makes me want you more. Every time you smile at me another little piece of my resolve is stripped away. Every time you kiss me I�m just pulled down deeper. Every time you touch me I love you just a little bit more. And I don�t want that. I don�t want that at all.

You see, every time you do any fucking thing it just makes me realise how lost I am. The plan was to take up maybe a couple of months out of my boredom with fucking you, then bail and find someone new. But something happened to change that. Okay, not something but some things. Everything you did. It all kept mounting up until I was just as deep in love with you as you were with me. And now I just can�t leave you.

I wish you wouldn�t do what you do. I wish I didn�t love you. But I do, and it�s all your fault. Everything you do makes me realise I want to keep you near me forever. I can�t leave you. I wish you�d leave me. Really that�s the only hope you have.

Because I don�t deserve you, y�know? I�m not good enough for you now and I never will be. You�re so perfect and beautiful and all I could do is break you down. I don�t want to see that happen to you. I�m no good for you. I�m not even a particularly good person. And there�s nothing I can do to change myself for you.

�Please don�t do that, Stevie�.

It�s a plea. It�s a cry for help. Because if you don�t do what you do then I won�t need you, that I can get out and everything will be right again. You�ll be fine without me, really you will.

But you�re not going to stop. I�ll just keep on needing you more and more. But maybe when you realise that you�re not doing anything wrong, when you understand me, you�ll be able to make me change. Maybe. I just hope that you change me before I break you down completely.

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End
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