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Title: Criminal
Author: Lizzie
E-Mail: [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Content: A little implied m/m sex, language, mildish violence, mentions of attempted suicide. Angst? Oh who cares, no one reads these content warnings anyway. Oh and if anything at all to do with religion might offend you, don�t read. Not that I�ve said anything really offensive, but still. I think maybe I mentioned the word �God� a few times, that�s all.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, and unless I suddenly become Vince McMahon, I never will. Not saying this happened in any way, shape or form.
Distribution: I have a very simple philosophy - want, take, have. Just let me know where it is.
Summary: Hunter has a crisis of faith.
Notes: Companion rather than sequel to �History Repeating� from Hunter�s POV. Based on the song of the same name by Fiona Apple.

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Criminal
by Lizzie
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I don�t believe in anything. Too bold a statement for you? Okay then, I don�t think I believe in anything. That better? I guess it is and it isn�t. On one hand I�m not complete discounting the possibility that there could be something out there I could believe in, but on the other it just sounds like I�m too scared to come right out and say �I don�t believe in anything�. Fuck it. I don�t believe in anything. Not a goddamn thing.

I don�t think I ever have, now I think about it. I used to think I did, tried to convince myself that I had beliefs. I tried to believe in God. I tried to believe in other people. I tried to believe in myself and I can�t even do that anymore. I don�t believe in me and I don�t believe in you and I don�t believe in any fucking thing. Not a fucking thing.

I know what you�d say - I believe that the sun�s gonna rise tomorrow, I believe that I have blonde hair, I believe in shit like that. Right? You�d say that. But that�s not real belief, is it. C�mon, Adam, even you know that�s not real belief. That�s an absolute certainty. What�s to believe? I don�t nee to believe in it because I know for a fucking fact it�s true. So I guess what I mean is I have no faith in anything. That should make it clearer for you.

Except you�d say I have faith in my abilities and faith in what I do. You�re right, I do have faith in that. I know what I can do, I know what I�m capable of. But I don�t have faith in myself. There�s a difference, okay? I know my limits and I know exactly what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have faith in those strengths and weaknesses. But I don�t have faith in myself.

I used to have. I�ll admit that - I used to believe in myself. I used to be sure of myself and I think I even liked myself. I didn�t have a doubt in the world about myself, because I knew myself so completely. I knew exactly who I was and what my reaction to any given situation would be. I was happy knowing myself. It made me strong, made me confident, made me who I was. See that? Was. I *was* that way. I�m not now. Despite what you think, I�m just not. I don�t think I ever can be again.

Because something happened. Something happened to me. Okay so not something, but someone. Someone walked into my life and stole my faith in myself. That someone was you.

***

I�m lying here holding you, watching you sleep for the very first time. When we were together before I always fell asleep first and since we�ve been together this time you haven�t slept in the same bed as me. This is the very first time. Usually we just fuck and you run away back to your room and your little blonde friend and leave me alone. I let you. I know you wouldn�t do it if you didn�t have to and I can�t blame you.

I completed fucked you over the last time we were together. What�s even worse is I meant to do it. I don�t think I knew what else to do. You came along and I was attracted to you, I asked you out, we got together and I knew exactly what was going to happen all along because it was what always happened. I got to know someone then I used what I knew to tear them apart. It worked. It always worked, because I knew what I was doing. Hell, I�d been practicing for long enough. And it made me happy to do it, before you. It�s kinda perverse, I know, getting to know someone inside and out then using what you know to break them down. But it�s a test, y�know? It�s a test of my abilities, and every single time it worked exactly the way I planned. Except for with you. Something went wrong. Something went very wrong.

Kurt was my masterpiece. He came along just after you and I wasn�t really expecting him to be interested in me, and I guess that�s why he presented such a challenge. I had to work on him. Every step with him was the result of a tremendous fucking effort and a few times I had to stop and ask myself if it was really going to be worth it, but I�m glad I persevered. Knowing how hard I�d worked just makes it so much more satisfying.

I was so kind to him, paid him so much attention, did everything with him and to him and for him that I knew he wanted me to do. I don�t think he�d ever had anyone treat him like that before - most guys haven�t. And he responded to it. He was nervous in the beginning, like he wasn�t really sure whether he should get involved with me or that he should trust me. I think he�d been listening to the stories about me that always seem to be going around backstage. But in the end he obviously decided that I was treating him right and I couldn�t possibly do anything to hurt him. You didn�t tell him any different. You know he�s never going to forgive you for that, right? Well, he trusted me and gave himself to me. He fell in love with me. I�ll never understand how anyone could fall for someone they don�t even know, but it always seems to happen. I think Kurt needed it.

Kurt was amazing while he was with me in the beginning. Once he�d got over that shyness or nervousness or whatever it was and gave himself to me completely, he just lit up. It seemed like everything that was good about him was amplified ten times and he just became this beautiful, amazing person. He shone. Really, he did. I know you know - you were his friend back then and you saw how he was. He was happy. Because of me. I think I even had you fooled, because everyone thought what we had was the real thing. But it wasn�t. It was never meant to be.

I never made Kurt any promises. I was careful not to, because whatever else I may be, I�m not a liar. I never even told him I loved him, even though he�d tell me every chance he got and was plainly hurt that I never said it back. I guess it was enough for him that we were together, though. And he loved me. He really did, maybe even still does. That�s why he let me do what I did for as long as I did it. No one had ever put up with me for that long before.

I pretty much abused him. I hit him and I beat him and I yelled at him. I�d slap him sometimes, open up his lip, open up that sensitive skin just under his eyebrow, bruise him all over. He�d cry sometimes and others he�d just let me do it without a word. Sometimes he�d ask me why I was doing it to him but mostly he just let me get on with it. Because I think he knew that afterwards I�d be back to the way I was before. I�d pull him into my arms and kiss the blood away from his lip, pull him into bed and make love to him like nothing had even happened.

Even when I almost killed him, he just let me. I wasn�t actually going to or trying to kill him, it just kinda happened that way. I feel bad about it, too - I didn�t mean to go that far. But he wasn�t reacting and I wanted him to. I needed to know he knew what I was doing to him was wrong. I beat him �til his eye was almost swelled shut, fucked him raw, shook him and asked him what the fuck was wrong with him, why he was just letting me do it. He didn�t say a word but the look in his eyes told me all I needed to know.

I dragged him into the bathroom and threw him into the tub. I�d been running the water for afterwards, so I could wash the blood from his skin and make it okay again, but that wasn�t what happened there. I threw him in, watched as half the water splashed over the floor, watched as his head hit the tiling and a cut opened up above his eye. He just stared at me with that same look in his eyes. So I grabbed him, by his neck, and pushed him under the water. I held him there while his blood clouded the warm water, while his eyes opened wide and he made no attempt to move. Not one.

I let him up before he could drown, but he would have let me do it. I left him the next day.

***

You don�t know how much it hurt me that you left me. You let me hit you maybe twice and then you walked out. That hurt. Not in the way I hurt Kurt or Chris or any of the others, but it hurt. I wasn�t even trying to make you leave then. I was just testing you, and you walked out, said you weren�t going to put up with me hitting you. I was surprised as hell because I thought maybe you wanted me enough to let me do whatever I wanted, kinda like Kurt turned out to. You hurt me. I didn�t want you to leave.

I didn�t love you then, though. It just wounded me in some inexplicable way that someone I still wanted would leave me the way you did. No one had ever done that before. It wasn�t until later that I loved you, though. Not �til much later, when I saw you with Kurt after I left him.

You were sitting in the locker room, Kurt on the bench and you kneeling in front of him. It looked kinda odd because there he was in a tracksuit, his normal street clothes, and you were already in all your ring gear, vinyl coat included, sunglasses pushed up on your forehead. You were holding his hands in yours, rubbing your fingertips over his wrists. You didn�t notice me there but I noticed you and I noticed why you were touching his wrists - there were scars there, or cuts, healing into scars. He�d tried to kill himself. Instantly I knew it was over me, and that gave me a little jolt of pleasure.

But anything I felt over Kurt�s attempted suicide just paled in comparison with what I felt when you turned and looked at me.

You hated me in that moment, I�m sure. You hated me but you loved me too. You resented me and adored me. But you were over me. Completely over.

I think it had been a long time coming, but it was in that moment that all my faith in myself vanished completely. Because I fell in love with you.

It�s odd to think about it, how falling in love could undermine everything I knew about myself, but it did. In that second I realised I didn�t know myself at all. How could I if all it took was one look to realise I�d done what I�d always thought was never possible and fallen so deep in love with you it scared me? And it does scare me. Every single second of every single say, I�m scared to death. Because I�ve never felt this way. And because I don�t know what I�d do if I lost you.

You left me once before. You�re the only person who�s ever left me when I wasn�t trying to make them do it, and that felt so strange. I look back on that and it worries me that you left, because that means you could do it again. At any second. If I do anything wrong you could walk out on me and I might never have a chance to apologise. I�d have blown my second chance with you, a second chance I wasn�t sure I�d ever get. Ever wondered why I hold you so close? Ever wondered why I�m not doing the exact same thing over again? It�s because I never want to be without you. I never want to let you go.

And every time you leave the bed and I sleep alone, that hurts. It tells me you don�t trust me. It tells me you think I�m going to hurt you again, break your heart again, because I know you love me. You don�t have to say the words for me to know it. Like I don�t have to say the words for you to know how I feel, even though I do. You�re the only one I�ve ever said those words to. When I say it to you I really mean it. I couldn�t say it if I didn�t. I�m promising you everything in those three words.

And I can see now, with you here sleeping in my bed and in my arms, that you�ve decided you�re going to trust me. Trust�s something you usually give to everyone. You�re the most trusting person I�ve ever known. But after what I did to you, you stopped trusting me. This is a very deliberate decision on your part. I�d like to thank you for that. I will, in the morning.

I just hope that trust isn�t misplaced.

***

I don�t believe in myself, remember? Since I realised how I felt about you, I couldn�t believe in myself at all. I�m not half as confident as I was - I�m so insecure around you that half the time it feels like I�m gonna start shaking or something I�m that damn nervous. I don�t believe in myself and I have good reason to. I thought I knew that I�d never fall in love. I thought that I knew any show of emotion from anyone would be just another way for me to break them apart. I was wrong.

And if I was wrong about that then there�s no way I can trust myself ever again. I can�t trust my judgement, and I can�t trust my beliefs. I don�t believe in anything I thought I knew. I don�t know myself. And that�s the scariest thing I�ve ever known.

I�ve promised myself over and over, I�ve sworn it to you in everything I�ve done since we�ve been together, I�ve needed it to be true, I�ve meant it with every fibre of my being. I will never hurt you again. I feel it�s true. I know I never want to hurt you again. You�re not like all the others. You�re different, so very different, and I never ever want to be apart from you. I want to keep you here with me forever. I know I�ll never do it again. I�ll never want to.

But if I can�t trust myself, how do I know? How can I know? I hate myself for that. Every second of my life I hope to God I�m not going to find that I�m hurting you. I hope I�ll never give you reason to leave me. I couldn�t live with myself if I did. But I don�t know for sure that I know I won�t. It hurts so much not knowing.

I want to have changed. I think I have. I hurt you before and I meant to do it, I meant everything I did, just like I meant everything I�ve ever done. I wanted to hurt you. I was careless with your feelings because back then it didn�t matter to me how you felt. Now I regret it. So much. I need to make it up to you, make you believe I�m different and I�ll never hurt you again because you know, you�re the only one I�ve ever loved. You�re all I�ve ever known of love. I�m gonna make it right for you, show you I�m good enough for you. I�m not the terrible person who�s gonna hurt you and break you and leave you the way I did Kurt. He didn�t mean anything to me the way you do. You�re everything to me.

I can�t lose you. But I can�t trust myself not to hurt you so why should you trust me?

There�s nothing I can do to guarantee it. There�s nothing to do to make sure I never hurt you again. I can�t give you a promise and know I�ll keep it because I don�t know myself well enough. I can�t give you any assurances the way I want to and the way you need me to. All I can say is I love you and I hope that will never change. In my heart I know it never will.

And all I can do� well, that�s where it gets complicated. Because I don�t believe in anything, Edge. Adam. Adam, because before you were always Edge. The person I love is you. And all I can do, despite my lack of faith, despite everything, is ask for help. Is pray for help.

I�m desperate. I cannot live without you. I wouldn�t want to. And I don�t believe in God. But I want to, I really, honestly, deep down want to believe there is something out there greater than myself. But I don�t believe. But I�m going to ask anyway. I need to. I need to believe that I�m not alone in this. All I can do is pray. Because if there�s a God, He couldn�t let this happen to us. He wouldn�t let us be apart.

I kiss your lips as you sleep, feel you move in closer to me. And as I will myself not to cry with the weight of it all, I whisper a prayer into your hair.

Please God. Please don�t let me fuck this up. Don't let me lose you.

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End
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