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Title: Breaking Apart
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: I don�t know, maybe R?
Content: Angst, maybe a little language, and some mention of suicide. Not a happy story.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Sequel to �Vertigo�, from Hunter�s POV.
Notes: The lyrics quoted at the end (just a couple of lines, which basically inspired the whole story), are from Higher by Creed. I�m laying no claim to those, just like I don�t the characters.

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Breaking Apart
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I�ve got a secret. And it�s a doozy, believe me. It�s the single biggest thing I�ve ever tried to keep to myself. It�s so huge that I�m fairly surprised no one�s found out. And it�s glaringly obvious. At least I think it is, it seems to be, but no one�s said a thing. So I guess they don�t know.

It�s strangely exciting to know no one knows. I have so many secrets it�s slowly driving me insane, but this really is the only one that excites me. All I have to do is think about it and it turns me on. Of course I guess I�m what�s classed as over-sexed (for over-sexed you should probably read �terminally horny�), so really it�s not all that major an accomplishment to turn me on. The thing you have to remember, though, is that not everything has this strong an effect on me. In fact, this is the one and only things that does.

God, the times I�ve lain awake at night just thinking about it, bringing myself off to the thought of it. That�s all I ever seem to do at home, not that I get home much. And the rest of the time I don�t have to think about it because the rest of the time I�m living it. It�s just all I�ve ever imagined it could be, and more. �Just�. Ha.

So, what is this secret, I hear you cry. That�s really quite simple. I�m dating Kurt Angle.

Yeah, slightly odd slice of information to be getting so worked up about, I know. I mean, he�s Kurt fucking Angle for Christ�s sake! Well, kinda he is. You just have to be able to differentiate between his gimmick the Olympic Zero, and the real him. It took me a hell of a long time to get past the gimmick � for a whole month I swear the words �it�s true, it�s true� came up at least twice in every conversation. But then I started to actually get to know him. And underneath it all he�s not really anything like I thought he�d be.

Once I was in past the Olympian fa�ade, everything changed. Everything. I�d just been looking for a way to break him down when I was through with him when I decided to get to know him, but instead he just opened up and suddenly I had this disturbing feeling whenever I thought about what I was going to do to him. I�d done it to so many others before � just preyed on and exploited every little weakness I saw until they were just quivering emotional wrecks I could discard and move on from � but that made me vaguely uneasy when I thought of doing it to Kurt. And eventually I figured out why. It was because I�d be sorry to lose him.

I couldn�t quite grasp that at first � after all, this was Kurt Angle. And this was me. This was what I did. This was what I�d done so many times before that I�d started to lose count. It was my way. Use and abuse. And I was good at it. Have maybe a month or two tops of hot sex then spend a few amazing weeks tearing them down before I�d leave, move on. Sometimes I could keep two or three people in the cycle at the same time. Sometimes, if I was lucky, I�d get two at once, like the Hardys. Brothers. In love with each other. That just made them easier to break. But I couldn�t bring myself to break Kurt.

So I didn�t. And another ten months on, we�re still together. He�s still with me.

I sometimes wonder how I ever managed it, to get them to come to me without so much as crooking a finger or batting an eyelid, when everyone in the locker rooms knew what I did. But they just kept lining up, and I kept knocking them down. I�ve tried to tell myself it�s my sparkling wit, but I know it�s not. One night I asked Kurt and he told me he couldn�t speak for the others but he�s just known that even one night in my bed had to be worth all of the consequences.

He told me I was beautiful. He told me he would�ve done anything that first night to get me to take him back to my room. He told me he was pretty sure most of the guys on the roster � even the guys I�d fucked over � would�ve done pretty much the same thing. I asked him why. He just lay there beside me on the bed, smiling, toying with my hair as he told me �because you�re that damn good, Hunter�. All I could do was blush and hold him closer. Just hearing the words made me tingle.

But �you�re that damn good� isn�t what sometimes keeps me awake nights. While he�s sleeping I lie awake hearing something else play on a continuous loop in my head. I have done ever since the first time he told me. Sometimes I wish he�d never said it, any of those times, but then I remember that he hasn�t said it for the last four months at least and I find myself wishing he would. Like he used to. And this time I wouldn�t have the reaction I always used to, because now I know that I want him to say it. But I know I can�t say it to him.

One night I told him it was better for him if we kept what was between us a secret. He looked up at me with this look on his face that just killed me and said �I don�t care who knows. I want them to know. To hell with the consequences, Hunter. I love you�. And I cringed. Instinctively, I cringed. I saw how much it hurt him, too, and I almost wished I could take it back. Emphasis on almost, because back then it wasn�t something I wanted to hear. But I didn�t want to hurt him. I guess I just figured if he though I didn�t want to hear it then he�d stop saying it.

He did. He told me maybe four times before he just quit. I guess the disappointment just got too much because when I looked at him as he said it I could see the hope in his eyes, and when I just cringes in response he just broke. I couldn�t help remembering that I�d made a conscious decision not to break him, and seeing how I was doing it anyway, unintentionally, it was strange. So I was glad he stopped saying it. It meant I didn�t have to hurt him and things could go back to the way they were.

Only they didn�t. Because he loved me. I couldn�t stop thinking about that. It hadn�t been part of the plan. He wasn�t supposed to love me. We were supposed to be fucking and that was all. But the more I thought about it the more it made sense. We�d been together for just over four months the first time he said it, which was already longer than my average relationship lasts. We weren�t just fucking, either � we were sharing cars and rooms and we were talking and going for pizza and acting like a Goddamn couple. Hell, we *were* a couple. And despite the fact no one knows it, we still are.

I couldn�t believe he�d told me he loved me and I didn�t take advantage of it. That was just the kind of thing I�d usually play on to end a relationship. I knew just how to turn it against him. I�d done it before and it worked like a charm on that particular blonde Canadian. He�s still not over me. He�s probably my finest work. But what I could�ve done to Kurt would�ve surpassed that. I could have completely broken him. I think I could maybe have killed him, at last by proxy. It�s an odd thought that you could make someone kill themselves over you, but I really do think I could�ve done it. A part of me would have liked to try. But I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I�m talking like I couldn�t still do it now, like all that�s over. But I could still do it. Technically. It might even be more spectacular to see him self-destruct because of me, now he�s let down his defences. But in reality, no matter how curious I might be to see that, I can�t do it. I know I could do anything I wanted to him and he�d just keep coming back for more, but I can�t do it. I can�t hurt him. And I even know why.

It�s because I�m in love with him.

Yeah, I�m in love with him. I really think it�s about time I admitted that to myself, now I�ve been with him for just over a year. I�ve thought about it long enough to know. I can�t do what I want to do to him because I�m in love with him. And that scares the hell out of me.

It�s not like I�ve never been in love before. In fact, I think the problem is that I *have* been in love before. I fell, hard, for this insanely perfect person who I just worshipped. I had no idea love could be like that. And he loved me. For a while it was perfect. We could hardly keep our hands off each other and we didn�t give a damn who knew. But we hit a bump. Everyone knew. And for the most part that was fine, until some reported got hold of the �story� and started to blackmail us. Three weeks later the man I loved left the federation and broke my heart. All because we were open about how we felt. His career would�ve been ruined. I guess I understood.

So I have my reasons for not telling about me and Kurt. It�s not like I don�t love him. It�s not like in an ideal world I wouldn�t be out there shouting it from the rooftops. Although now I think about it, I�m not sure I would.

Because telling people we�re together is like a validation of the fact we�re together, if that makes any sense. It�s like an admission, and not of the fact we�re together. It�s an admission that I care about him. I don�t want to have to admit it. The last man I admitted to loving, well, let�s just say I didn�t learn to deconstruct people all on my own. He showed me how after I told him that I loved him. It hurt but I kept going back. And just like I don�t want to do it to Kurt, I don�t want him to do it to me.

I know Kurt�s disappointed that I�ve never told him how I feel. But he should know. It�s in everything I do. It�s in the way I look at him, the way I have to almost physically restrain myself from touching him when we�re not alone, in the way I kiss him and the way I make love to him. He should feel it. I sure as hell feel it from him. I know it�s there. And it feels like he knows it, when we�re together, when we�re alone. In public it�s like he�s clueless and doesn�t understand that we�re a secret because that really is the way it has to be, but sometimes I think he knows. He�s just like me to say it.

And I wish I could. Sometimes it�s so hard not to, when I�m inside him and our eyes lock and he gasps my name. It�s so hard not to just smile and tell him �Kurt, I love you too�. I can almost see his eyes light up, the smile on his face as he realises I�m telling the truth. And it is the truth. I want to tell him. I want his to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I never want to see him walk into a room wondering if it�s okay for him to touch me or not. Because it�s okay. Whatever he wants to do to me, it�s okay. It�s okay for him to love me.

But I can�t tell him. It�s self-defence at its most painful and constricting. Who would have thought that three little words could be so hard to say?

They weren�t for him. He said them like they were just natural. Three little words that keep me awake at night. I think about how easy it was for him to tell me. I think about how much I want to tell him, but that I can�t. I think about how close I came to ending this and actually trying to end him and I can�t believe I even thought about it because I know I�m nothing without him now. I think about how much I�m hurting him by keeping us � and how I feel about him � a secret. It actually makes me want to cry. I fall asleep hating myself for what I do to him, this guy who deserves so much more than this, this perfect man that I love completely. I know it�s dumb not to tell him because he�s not like Shawn � I think I know he�d never hurt me like that. I just wish it was that simple.

I fall asleep with him in my arms. I fall asleep seeing how happy he is to be there with me. Because sometimes, I know, I do make him happy. And it feels good knowing that for a while he loves me and I think he believe I love him then, too. But he wakes like he�s got some damn alarm in his head every morning without fail, about sunrise. And it�s lost.

He doesn�t know I know. I watch through my lashes and I always wonder if he knows I�m awake but I don�t think he does. It�s a miracle he doesn�t. Maybe he sees what he wants to see, I don�t know. But he watches me and I can see something�s not right. He�s forgotten how it felt when he believed I loved him. He�s searching my face for a sign he can�t find. I want to open my eyes and kiss him and hold him and tell him everything will be fine, but I can�t. I don�t.

He leaves the bed. He pulls on his jeans. He walks to the damn balcony he always insists we have and every time he does I have to wonder if he�s going to jump. But I can�t move. I want to but I can�t. I figure this is his decision, even if he jumps and I never see him again. I don�t want him to die. I want to stop him, but I don�t.

It�s hard not to lie there and imagine what it would be like if he jumped. I can almost see his body lying on the sidewalk as I peer over the railing and down at him, the blood pooling around him. I can feel the emptiness he�d leave me with. I can feel how cold it would leave me. And I feel the panic that he might actually do it. It�s the worst feeling I know, the feeling that I might lose him.

I don�t know what he does out there. I know what I do while he�s out there � I lie in bed and hope to God that today won�t be the day he decides to leave me. I think about how it felt knowing he couldn�t find anything in my face or the way that I held him that told him I love him. In the morning the look of loss on his face is unbearable. It�s like I�ve lost him already.

But when he comes back in, when he slips back into bed and pulls my arms around him, I realise I don�t care what he does outside. Just as long as he comes back. Because when he comes back he�s happy again. I�d do anything to make that stay.

He falls asleep holding me. And I want to fall asleep, too, with him. I want to sleep with him there in my arms. I need to. Because we�re happy, we�re in love, and I don�t ever want that feeling to end.

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�At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
�Cause I don�t want to leave the comfort of this place�.
- �Higher� � Creed.