***

Title: Average
Author: Lizzie
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: Yup, I�m back down to an R.
Content: Nothing too bad. Some strong language, some mention of m/m, not even really worthy of an R. But since I�m betting no one�s reading the rating anyway, what does it matter? *grin*
Disclaimer: They're not mine, and unless I wake up one morning having mysteriously become Vince McMahon, I doubt they ever will be. Damn, that's a scary thought.
Distribution: Not that you're likely to want it, but if you do, just tell me where.
Summary: Hunter having a very one-sided conversation about his relationship with Kurt.
Notes: This is what you get when I stay up all night drinking chocolate milk and listening to Melissa Etheridge. *evil giggles*

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Average
***

My lover is perfect. I have no doubts whatsoever when I say that, I never want to take it back, and I never feel the need to qualify it. Because to me he is perfect. I�ve never known anyone quite like him and I know I�ve never loved anyone quite the way I love him. That�s all that matters. Except today maybe I do need to qualify this. Just this once, and just for you.

I hated him when we first met. Okay, so maybe �hate� is too strong a word, but at the very least I severely disliked him. It�s not even like I can put my finger on exactly why I felt that way, that�s the annoying thing. There was just something about him that something inside me reacted badly to. He annoyed me, grated on my nerves � I couldn�t stand to be around him for more than about five minutes at a time because I�d just feel like I was ready to snap. And I don�t like feeling out of control like that. I�m a control freak and I don�t care who knows it, and being around him put me out of my own control. Everything I did while I was around him I did on instinct or under very tense, ill-controlled and badly focussed attention. So I avoided him. For the longest time I just avoided him. And that made it better.

But obviously I couldn�t avoid him forever, even if back then I would�ve liked to. Most of the time it was easy enough to ignore him � we�d be working or we�d show up for signings or whatever and it was okay for me to act like he didn�t even exist because I was supposed to be in character and my character hated him as much as I did. But then I wound up stuck in the same room as him for just under an hour while we were both waiting to see the same doctor and it was almost unbearable. I wished I�d made more of an effort before then to get over how he made me feel, but I was too angry that he was there to feel like it was my fault.

I knew I should be saying something to break the silence, making small talk or whatever, but I couldn�t even bring myself to say hello. And every damn thing he was doing just made it worse. He was just so� so irritating. But I couldn�t stop watching him, so I was just getting angrier and angrier as I sat there hoping he wouldn�t realise I was only pretending to read a year-old copy of Time or whatever the hell it was.

I really should�ve known it was too good to be true, if you can call that awkward silence good; the only other person waiting had just gone into the doctor�s office and he turned to me. I saw him turn out of the corner of my eye and I almost dropped the damn magazine. He frowned and tilted his head slightly. Just that one little movement irritated me so much I wanted to scream.

�So, what is it about that car ad that�s so fascinating?� he asked. I flinched.

�Huh?�

�That car ad. You�ve been staring at it for half an hour now�. And he was right, I had. I�d managed to leave the damned magazine open on a double-page spread of a Lexus or some fucking thing. �So are you going to tell me why you hate me so much or do I have to guess?�

I just looked up and stared at him. I didn�t know what to say. I mean, I�m me, the fucking Game, and I had no idea what to say. What sort of a sick joke is that? I just sat there are stared at him with this lame-ass blank look on my face like he�d just told me I had fifteen minutes to live.

Then eventually, after sitting there staring at him like a complete jackass for like two whole minutes, I managed to say something. I cleared my throat, closed the magazine and told him �I don�t hate you�.

He frowned again and told me I must hate him; he actually sat there and recounted something like fifteen separate occasions when I could�ve said hi or introduced myself or not completely treated him like he didn�t exist, and there was nothing I could say to any of that because I knew it was true. I just murmured something that I think was a reiteration of �I don�t hate you�. He sort of laughed then, and I didn�t blame him � I mean, as far as he was concerned I�d been ignoring him for like four months for absolutely no reason, let alone a good reason, so I must hate him, and I�d just told him I didn�t like he was supposed to believe me.

He looked at me and told me to say it like I meant it. And I did. With this huge lump in my throat I looked over at him and I said it like I meant it. I don�t even know how I did it because right then I really thought I hated him. I was frowning at him and giving him this weird look that was really meant more for myself than for him, and I didn�t know what the hell I was doing saying that. Because as far as I knew, I hated him. I hated everything about him. I hated everything he said and everything he did and everything he was. Just being near him made me want to hit him or hit someone else so bad I had to dig my nails into the palms of my hands just to keep myself from doing it. But there I was denying all that, for no reason at all other than he�d asked me to.

But before I could give it any serious thought, and before he could say anything else, I was called through to see the doctor. Kurt just stared after me and it took all my willpower to tear my eyes off him.

I saw him briefly as I left the office, and felt my stomach lurch as his shoulder brushed my arm as he walked past. He looked up at me for a second and I swear I almost lost myself in his eyes. And in a way I think maybe I did because I waited for him. I went outside and I sat in my rental car in the dark for a whole fucking half hour waiting for him. And then I didn�t even have the guts to get out of the car and talk to him when I saw him leave. I just sat there and watched him get into his own rental and drive away. I couldn�t believe what I was doing. So I just drove back to the hotel and fell asleep fantasising about blue eyes.

***

I saw him the next day. He gave me this strange, unreadable look as he passed me in the corridor backstage at the arena, and I just froze. I didn�t know what I was supposed to do or say, so I didn�t do or say anything. And he passed me by. I grabbed a soda and sat down in the locker room to beat myself up over how fucking dumb I was being. And all over Kurt Angle.

Then five minutes later he walked in, stood looking down at me and told me straight out that he was in love with me, that he had been for about three months and he wanted to know if I really did hate him or not because he wasn�t going to live wondering what the hell was going on with me anymore because I was driving him insane. *I* was driving *him* insane. I could almost have laughed at that if I hadn�t heard the words �I love you, Hunter� in the same sentence.

I couldn�t say anything, I just didn�t have the words. I had no idea what I was feeling, let alone what to say to him after that. I mean, a guy who you�ve thought you fucking despised for about four months walks in and tells you he�s in love with you � what are you supposed to say? There�s nothing in the manual to cover that, that�s for fucking sure. So I just stared at him. And he slapped me.

He slapped me. Hard. He sighed, looked down at the floor for a second, then he slapped me. And it fucking hurt. A lot. Then he turned around and walked straight back out the way he came. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised. Understatement of the goddamn century there � I was shocked, surprised, mortified, all of that. He�d told me that� *that*, and I�d just stared at him. Idiot. I should�ve said something, anything, even if it was just �excuse me?� or �what the fuck were you thinking?� But no, I sat there like the jackass I am and said absolutely fucking nothing. No wonder he slapped me. I probably would�ve done the same thing to him if he�d just stared at me if I told him I loved him.

As I sat there thinking it I was just completely ashamed of myself. If I told him I loved him. It just kept going around and around in my head and I couldn�t stop thinking it, because I hated him, didn�t I? I despised everything about him and I resented every second I had to spend with him. He made me insane. I fucking hated him. He made me angrier than anyone ever had in my whole life, and trust me, I�ve been plenty angry plenty of times. So I was thinking about loving him why, exactly? Because I did. That�s why.

I did. The more I thought about it the more it made sense. Yeah, he drove me completely insane, but maybe there was a reason for that. And there was, I�d just never realised it.

I�m not going to say I�d never been in love before I met Kurt. I�m not even going to say that I haven�t been in love after I met Kurt, because neither statement would be true and you know it, don�t you. What I will say is that I�ve never loved anyone the way I love Kurt, because that much is true. He�s special. He�s so special he�s perfect. And that�s what I hated about him. Suddenly after all that time there was someone in my life who was just perfection personified. And that got to me, because it made me notice every little thing he did. I mean every time he moved I�d see it. Every time he licked his lips or scratched an eyebrow or stretched or shifted position or tilted his head or yawned or any fucking thing at all I�d notice.

Every time he spoke I�d drop what I was doing and listen, even if I was in the middle of a sentence or eating or fucking breathing I�d stop what I was doing. My breath would catch in my throat and I�d listen to his voice, even if I couldn�t hear the words. Is there any wonder I thought I hated him? I couldn�t function normally around him. Everything he did caught my eye and that just made being around him impossible. All I wanted was to be left alone and to get on with my life, and I was doing pretty well, but around him I couldn�t even speak in coherent sentences never mind ignore him. How do you ignore someone who�s that perfect? I�ll never know.

I worked it out. I loved him. I hadn�t been looking to fall in love. I hadn�t even been looking for a lover, let alone someone to fall for, and if I�d had any choice in it at all it wouldn�t have been him. I hadn�t been expecting to find anyone. I�d just � okay, I say just, but by then it was five months back � got out of a serious long-term relationship, and I didn�t want to get involved with anyone. The four years with Shawn had ended abruptly and I still wasn�t sure I ever wanted to be with anyone ever again if I was just going to get hurt like that. And what did I do? I fell for the first guy that came along and then denied it to myself, convinced myself that I hated him because I was scared to death of what might happen if I fell in love again so soon. Fucking idiot. I�ve always been dumb, but even I didn�t think I was *that* dumb.

And I had no idea what I was supposed to do after that. I just sat there and stared at my hands or the tape on my wrists or a spot on the wall and wondered if he was ever going to speak to me again let alone give me a chance. And I wasn�t even sure I wanted him to. I was still preoccupied with Shawn, my wonderful, perfect Shawn who I�d been in love with all that time. I was still hoping he was going to come back into my life and make everything okay again, except I guess on some level I understood he wasn�t going to. I just didn�t want to believe he�d left me for good. And I didn�t want to believe I could ever love again, especially if the guy I loved was someone like Kurt Angle. He�s everything Shawn never was. How could I love him?

Except I did and it was really no good trying to deny that. Everything I thought I�d hated about him � I loved it. Every little motion, every lick of his lips, every glance, every smile. He was just so beautiful and so perfect and so everything I�d ever wanted that I couldn�t believe I hadn�t realised it before. All that time I�d just been trying to resist it, but right then I knew. I just didn�t know what to do about it. And I was so scared I was going to lose him before I�d even had the chance to tell him how I felt.

***

It seems so stupid to love someone so much you think you hate them. How can that be? It�s not the same as loving and hating someone at the same time � I�ve done that too, just not with Kurt, and it�s really not the same at all. Because I never hated Kurt, I just thought I did. I was so convinced that he thought I hated him, too. How fucked up is that? And I�ll never understand how he could fall in love with me when he thought I hated him, but he did. And I�m so grateful for that. If he hadn�t then I never would have realised how I felt and it probably would have ended in one of us out cold in a parking lot. And judging by my state of mind, it probably would�ve been me.

And if I hadn�t realised then I think that would�ve been the night it would�ve happened. But it didn�t happen like that. I don�t remember much of the show but I remember what happened after it � I changed, grabbed my bag and waiting in the parking lot for him to come outside. I can�t remember ever feeling that anxious, even before matches or seeing doctors or any of that. I could�ve choked the living hell out of Bob Holly when he started trying to make conversation, and I didn�t even care when he started cursing at me �cause I�d pushed past him to get to Kurt. I just tuned out Holly�s annoying voice and jogged up beside Kurt who was just sliding the key into the door of his car.

I coughed and he turned around and all it took for him was just one look at me. Everything I felt was right there on my face, I could see it reflected in the windshield in the dim parking lot lights. I was apologetic, I was ashamed, I was guilty, I was in love with him. He just took a step forward, licked his bottom lip, looked up at me with this incredible look in his clear blue eyes, and kissed me.

Suddenly I didn�t care that we were standing there outside an arena. I didn�t care I was kissing someone I�d spent the best part of four months hating. I didn�t care that I was kissing a guy and that anyone could see. All that mattered was that I had my arms wrapped around someone I loved, that he loved me back, and he was right there holding out his heart to me in a way no one ever had.

He�s got amazing lips. And he can do amazing things with his tongue. It didn�t matter that it felt like ten below zero out there and I was standing around in a pair of track pants and a t-shirt, because he was doing amazing things with his tongue and I was beyond caring if I froze right there. Besides, he was warm enough for both of us. Until he shivered and pulled back, and I realised we were both breathless and panting. The air was so cold inside me, and he smiled as he saw me shiver too.

�C�mon, let�s get back to the hotel�, he said, pressing the keys to his car into my hand and almost skipping around to the passenger side. I got in, smiling. For some reason it meant a lot to me that this was his car but he was letting me drive. It�s just one of those inexplicable little things that make me love him even more, and he doesn�t even realise he�s doing it. And trust me, there are a lot of them.

He just watched me from his side of the car as I drove us back to the hotel, and I kept glancing over at him, catching a little hint of a smile on his face. He had his hands folded in his lap, his body angled slightly toward me in his seat, his coat buttoned all the way up to just under his chin. He just looked adorable. Of course about three hours earlier everything about the way he was sitting there would�ve annoyed the hell out of me. And I wanted to say sorry for how I�d treated him, but I couldn�t. I couldn�t even open my mouth to speak. I think I was scared I�d ruin the moment because whatever I would�ve said right then would have been so clumsy. He wouldn�t have cared, but I would. I wanted everything to be perfect, just like him. Just like the rest of the night would be.

And the night was perfect. There were no words. We just grabbed our stuff from the car, took the elevator to my floor, walked into my room and spent the night together, in each other�s arms. We kissed. We lay together, warm and easy and satisfied under the heavy quilt, smiling, watching each other. We didn�t make love and neither of us felt like we needed to. That would come later. All we needed right then was to know it was real, to know we were together. It was our most perfect moment.

It didn�t even matter that it wasn�t until the morning that I told him I loved him.

***

I don�t think I came down at all for the entire first week we were together. I don�t think we were apart for longer than an hour at a time. We couldn�t get enough of each other. Even after that, when I�d actually realised this was real and we really were together, we couldn�t keep our hands off each other. I�d never had a relationship like that. It didn�t matter where we were, we�d be holding hands or smiling and talking and backstage it didn�t matter if I kissed him or if he kissed me because neither of us cared who knew. Just as long as they understood this wasn�t some random affair, something we�d be acting like had never happened in a few weeks, it was fine by us. Because this was always supposed to be something that would last. Right from that first night we knew it was something special.

There was fire in every second we were together. I mean *every* second. I needed to be with him. He was addictive. And everything he�d ever done that I thought irritated me � I was finding out that I loved them all. They�re the ways he�s perfect. There�s nothing he does that�s not graceful or endearing or full of wonder. I never took the time to think about it before, but I think I always envied that in him � he can look at anything and see it with different eyes to the rest of us. He doesn�t see objects as objects, littering our lives, like the scenery we�re living around, he actually sees everything as a part of his life in a way that I�ve never been able to. He sees me the same way. I�m a part of him life, a part of him, in a way that I�ll never understand.

Being with him was amazing, because I almost thought I was starting to see things with his sense of wonder. I looked at him and I saw something beautiful, something I couldn�t believe I�d lived without all that time. I looked at him and I couldn�t believe I�d really been going to throw that away for someone like Shawn. He�d never been there for me like Kurt is. He�d never loved me like Kurt does. I�m not quite ready to say he used me, but sometimes it feels like he did. Kurt would never use me. He loves me more than I deserve and more than I can understand.

Everything was great. Everything still is great, but it was kinda better in a way then. I�m not sure how all relationships can seem more exciting at the start than where you are when you�re thinking about it, but it always seems that way to me. That�s the way it always was with Shawn. Back in the beginning things were just unbelievable, and I kept looking back all the way up �til the end wishing things could go back to being that way.

There�s a reason why I think this way, I know. And it�s so stupid. You see, it�s because, I don�t really know how to say this. It�s because I always thought I�d fall in love and it�d last forever. I thought it�d be love at first sight, never fading, never changing, always passion and fire and electricity until the end of my life. I thought I�d fall for someone and they�d love me just that way until the day they died. I thought it would be just like the movies, y�know? I�d love someone and we�d grow old together and we�d never lose any of that spark. We�d be just as passionate on our deathbeds as we were in the beginning. But I�ve never loved like that. I�ve loved and had it change into something paler, something less fierce. That�s not what I wanted. I wanted passion. But passion always died, even with the person I loved more than any other, even with Kurt. That was never meant to happen.

My whole life I jumped from lover to lover looking for someone who I could love the way I wanted to. I�ve been with too many people to remember. I�ve loved and I�ve been loved, but it always faded. It was supposed to stay intense, so strong I couldn�t think straight, so overwhelming I couldn�t keep my eyes or my hands off of my lover. And in the beginning it�s always like that, but afterwards it wears off and I�m disappointed. I�m always disappointed. And I leave.

The first I didn�t leave was Shawn. I couldn�t. He taught me that unrequited love is a powerful thing, because I�m not going to try to kid myself that he loved me. He tried to act like he did sometimes, but I don�t think he ever did. He led me on, made me believe he did, then I�d find out he was with someone else while I was home or out injured. But he always apologised, and I always took him back. Because I wanted him to want me. I thought maybe if he wanted me as much as I wanted him then we could be together like I wanted. I really wanted to believe that he could be the one. But there was never a hope in hell that he could be. I don�t think he�s ever going to be completely faithful to anyone, and I don�t seriously think he�s ever going to love anyone but himself, either. That man has an ego on him the size of Texas. It�s not like he doesn�t deserve the attention he gets, but sometimes I just have to wonder if he can really be happy being like he is.

Anyway, I always thought Shawn was going to pull himself together and realise he needed me, but he never did. I thought that right up until the end and past it, until it kinda dawned on me that he was never going to come back and he was never going to be the man I wanted him to be. I still feel stupid for believing in him. I loved him and all he ever did was lead me on then beat me down. Shawn was an ass. I wish I�d never met him. And Kurt � I wish I�d met him sooner. Although I don�t know if that would�ve changed any of this. I just would�ve had Kurt instead of Shawn and maybe I would�ve left him like I left all the others. Because the fire faded just like it did with everyone I�ve ever been with. That�s why this happened. That�s why *we* happened.

***

I didn�t mean to cheat on Kurt, you need to know that. I didn�t mean for any of this to happen, because doesn�t this make me just like Shawn? But this wasn�t planned. I didn�t set out to sleep with you that day. It just kinda happened. I mean, I knew I was attracted to you � who around here isn�t? � but I�d never even thought about doing any of that with you.

You were standing there in the corridor sipping a Coke with your shirt unbuttoned, wearing a pair of those damned vinyl pants. And I tried to shake it off, God help me I did, but you just looked up at me with that look on your face framed by long blonde hair you were wearing loose, and all my resolve disappeared in an instant. You licked your lips and looked at me with that damned smug grin, from where you were standing leaning back against the whitewashed wall, one knee pulled up so the vinyl was tight across your thigh. There was nothing I could do. I wanted you.

And I got you. That night. I was supposed to be with Kurt but I was with you, in your room, while whoever the fuck you were rooming with was in the bar. It was hard and fast and unbelievably hot. Actually no, it wasn�t unbelievable, it was everything I�d expected from you. Except I never pictured you as a moaner. Not that I�m complaining, though, �cause hearing you and feeling you at the same time was just� amazing. And I know I told you it was a one-time thing, that it�d never happen again, only to do it all over again a week later. And three days after that. And six days after that. But fuck it, I never meant for it to happen.

But I know why it happened. It doesn�t make it right and it doesn�t mean I should be forgiven, but at least I know why. It�s because I felt ordinary. Being with Kurt makes me feel ordinary. And I never wanted to feel that way. I always thought that my life was going to be worth something, that I was going to do things other people only ever dreamed of, and to an extent I do. In my work, I do. But outside of that, in love� What have I got? A relationship that�s just the same as so many all across the face of the Earth. I was supposed to have this great love, this overpowering love that would bring me to my knees and fill me with joy and make me feel passion. It was supposed to bring tears to my eyes. But it�s just ordinary. I�m just ordinary.

I don�t know if I was looking for love with you, but I don�t think so. I think I was looking for someone to make me feel that heat again, that real spark you feel at the beginning of something. And I found it. You were great. I loved being around you. I loved the buzz I got sneaking around with you, knowing what we were doing was wrong, even if I felt guilty as hell afterward. And you were always hot as hell. Knowing you were with someone too just made it even better, that you were betraying someone to be with me. That made me feel special the way I needed to.

But there was a problem. There is a problem. Because I can�t stay with you. I always told you that I wouldn�t leave Kurt for you and it�s not my fault that you didn�t believe me. I was straight with you from the start. I never had any intention of leaving him. I just needed to be with someone else � with you, I guess � for a little while. What we�ve had isn�t a relationship, it�s sex, pure and simple. I�ve fucked you and you�ve fucked me and that�s it. It could never go any further, because I don�t feel anything for you. Except maybe lust, which is strange because it�s been two and a half months and I still want you. But this has to end.

I know you don�t want it to. I don�t blame you either, because in a way I don�t want it to end either. You�re a good person and the sex has always been fantastic. I�ll miss the way you look at me, I�ll miss the sound of my name catching in your throat, I�ll miss your body, your legs� But I can�t keep this up.

Because you know, it�s taken this, this whatever it is with you, to make me realise. It�s taken two and a half months of lying next to you, twisting your hair around my fingers, feeling you around me or inside me, holding you and talking to you and feeling like I can�t get enough of you, to get me where I am today, tonight. It�s taken every night I�ve had to lie to my lover, every night you�ve almost yelled at me to get out of bed because your lover could walk in at any second, every time I�ve wondered if we�d really care if we were found out. Because I realised I would. I�d care. I�d more than care. I don�t know what I�d do.

Because I know that if Kurt ever found out about us, he�d leave me. It would break his heart, and he�d leave me. And I don�t ever want that to happen.

***

I know, that doesn�t really make sense. But I can explain it and I know you�re going to let me. I don�t want to lose Kurt. You�ve heard me say a thousand times that my relationship with him is going nowhere, that I think we�ve lost something. And you�ve heard me say that I think you and I have what Kurt and I are missing. I really believe that. I�ve never lied to you. But to the best of my knowledge I�ve also never misled you. I always made to clear that I wasn�t going to leave him and that you weren�t to tell anyone about us. I�d like to thank you for that, because you never have.

Didn�t you ever wonder why I said I�d never leave him? After everything I said about my relationship with him, I would�ve thought you would. For a while I had no idea why I said it, because honestly for a while I thought I was going to leave him. I thought it was time to move on like I�d always done before. I don�t know if I could really have said I was leaving him for any other reason than because I didn�t think he was the one, and I definitely wouldn�t have said I was leaving him for you. You might have taken it that way, but that�s not the way it would�ve been. I�m not trying to hurt you, but it�s the truth. I could never have left him for you.

But I thought I was going to leave him. When I first started seeing you, I thought I was going to leave him and maybe leave you too. But then I started asking myself why it was we were two weeks, four weeks, six weeks on with me still with him and telling you I wouldn�t leave him. And I guess that�s when it all started to fit into place.

I love him. It�s as simple as that in a way, and as fucked up as that in another. No, I don�t love him the way I always wanted to, but that doesn�t change the fact that I love him. And no, it�s not an earth-shattering, heart-wrenching, all-consuming kinda of love, but I do still love him. I�m not trying to deny any of that. What I�m trying to do is clarify it a little. You see, I love him. It would have been hard for me to leave him, but I�ve done it before, and I would�ve got over him. But I didn�t want to leave him. That�s the difference here. I don�t want to leave Kurt. Everyone else I�ve known I needed to leave, but Kurt, I can�t leave him. He�s made me see something I never thought possible.

Because he�s made me realise that this doesn�t matter. This delusion of grandeur I have, this all-or-nothing bullshit, it�s just that � bullshit. It�s meaningless in the real world. I don�t have some great destiny and I�m not destined to love like no one�s ever loved before or any shit like that. I don�t think a love like that even exists. And it doesn�t matter if it doesn�t.

You see, what I have with Kurt may be ordinary, it�s everyday and average as hell, but it�s real and it�s ours. It�s love. It�s right. And yeah, it�s average, and no, it�s not what I was looking for, but who cares? He�s made me see that we may have lost a little of the passion and the spark we had when we first got together, but that�s only natural. We�ve been together for just over a year now � I couldn�t seriously have expected that heat to last us forever.

But you know what? That doesn�t matter either. Because there�s something else all this has taught me. Being with you and not being able to leave Kurt made me realise it. I love him and not you. In the beginning what I felt for him was what I feel for you. I think it was lust. I grew to love him over time. I grew to need him, and I mean *really* need him. I think I�d be lost without him. What we have is real love. I don�t want to throw that away. Especially not when I finally understand that I�m not disappointed anymore.

I hope you can understand that. I�m not disappointed. I don�t care that I�m never going to have a fiery love that lasts forever. How could anyone ever live day to day with a love like that? And you know what? I don�t care that we�re average. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him and bitch and moan at him, I want to argue about songs on the radio, I want to worry about him, I want to plan holidays and buy a house and get a dog and do all of that stuff. I want to do it with him. I want to have an average life and I want to have it with him.

And y�know, it�s not like there�s no passion between us �I�m not going to pretend that there�s no passion when we make love. The fire�s still there when I�m inside him. And nothing in this world could make me happier than I am now. Not that love I always wished for, not anything. All I want is Kurt.

So I�m sorry, but you�ve got to see this has to end. I can�t see you anymore. But I think maybe I could have loved you, if that helps. I�m sorry it had to happen like this, really I am. Just do yourself a favour and take a look at your lover � I know you think you want to leave him, but ask yourself why you haven�t. I hope you�ll see it�s the same reason keeping you with him as kept me with Kurt, because God knows you deserve to be happy.

You�re an amazing person, Chris. You�re a beautiful person. And maybe under different circumstances I could have loved you and we could have been together. I know you think you love me, but you don�t; please don�t say it again because that�s just going to make this harder and it�s already harder than it has to be. But I know you needed an explanation � I didn�t want to leave you like Shawn left me, and have you think there�s always a chance I�d come back. Because I�m not coming back.

My lover�s perfect. I love him more than I ever thought possible, in a way I never thought was possible. I love him so much that all I want is to be with him. He�s made my life perfect. You should know that I could never give you that, but I wish you the happiness I have. And I guess I have to thank you too. I just wish there could have been a way to do this without feeling like I used you.

So this is goodbye, and this is I�m sorry. Just remember that you�ve got someone who loves you just as much as Kurt loves me. And don�t you dare turn your back on him, because believe me, a love like this only comes along once in a lifetime. He�ll make you happier than you could ever imagine if you�ll just let him try.

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