By Nous

                           January 24, 2005


I DECIDED TO BE A STANDUP COMEDIAN

You ever notice that the only place you can't start laughing out of
nowhere is the bathroom. You don't want to remember something funny
in the bathroom, because as soon as you walk out,  someone is going
to say,  "What's so funny?"  But not  wanting to join in.  Not like
saying, "Hey, I want to laugh too!"  But they'll have that confused
face,  like,  "WHAT is so funny about the bathroom?"
[is all alone in a small room]

TEJAS

Mr. McCree, a native Texan, took a trip to Brussels one year. As
most Americans do in Europe, he stuck out like a sore thumb. In an
elevator, a couple asked him, "Where are you from?"
And he said, "I'm from Texas." The couple lit up and asked, "Have
you ever shot an Indian?" Speechless for a moment, Mr. McCree said,
"No, we don't do that, really." The couple went on.
"Do you ride your horse to work?"
"No. I drive a car."
"How many heads of cattle do you own?"
"None."
They looked at him and said, "You're not from Texas." He replied
that he was indeed from Texas and they asked, "Where is your hat?
Where are your boots?  Where is your big belt buckle?  All Texans
have big belt buckles."
He said, "Well, I don't even own a hat or a pair of boots. And I
bought this belt from Wal-Mart."
They looked at him as if they were disgusted and talked to each
other for a moment in their own language. Then, one of them said,
"Oh! I understand! Yes, okay, I see. That's your Sunday Best. You
only wear that on Sunday."
"Yes," replied Mr. McCree. "That's right."

PEDOPHILIA AND INCEST

Okay now. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, otherwise known as the author
of various books on logic for the young and the young at heart, was
a rather shy man. At social gatherings, he was said to be able to
sit alone in silence for hours. But he was reputed to be very good
with children and had many child friends throughout his life. Then
he died.
Okay, we've now established his story.
Enter: Freud
He talks about how everything is a symptom of unresolved, deeper
sexual things or whatever. I am not too familiar with Froyd to say
anything more.
The point is, people start changing their minds about people who
love children.  No longer is a person who prefers the company of
a child a strange, but surely loveable, fellow. He is a pedophile
whether he knows it or not. He is someone to be wary of.
This all began really when people starting talking about it openly.
Now let's consider something else. You know how musicians may go
onstage with guitars that have things like, "I love my mom!"
written on them? This goes for people who are not musicians, too.
But just think about that. Could it be that soon we will begin to
consider that a sign of one's incestuous desire?
Will a mother kissing her twenty-five year old child - because he's
still her baby - be a sign of her sexual longing for that child?
Will a father no longer be able to spank his daughter because of
the sexual connotations that act has in the minds of people?
An attack on mothers and fathers is coming, as well as on teachers,
ministers, friends, and cousins!

SPEAKING OF COUSINS

Does anyone reading this consider it gross to have sex with or marry
a first cousin?
We were talking about that in anthropology and the teacher said that
a study showed that there was no evidence to suggest a child might
be born a mutant simply because of its incestuous conception.  As
long as it didn't occur frequently between a small group of people,
children born of incest would be perfectly normal.
First of all, I think I should point out that royalty have usually
intermarried and have on many occasions married brothers, sisters,
cousins, etc. And many a great man - Edgar Alan Poe, for example -
has married his cousin.  Yet we still attribute incest to only hill
billies and rednecks.
When the teacher was talking about it, I realized that I DIDN'T see
anything wrong with marrying a first cousin and I never have. This
is not to say that I'm jonesing for my cousins or anything. I just
wouldn't see anything wrong with it if someone in my family did it.
But I'll admit it would be sort of unexpected, and thus, weird.

SPEAKING OF MARRIAGE

I think I would make a weird husband and terrible father. I was
reading a book on incest a few months ago, and it said that when a
father becomes distant from his wife, the wife will expect sexual
favors from the son, and the son will instinctively know this.
This is supposed to be true the other way around. And in fact,
when a mother and father grow distant and the father expects
sexual favors from his daughter, the wife will allow it to occur,
acknowleding her failure to live up to the "wife's role."
So I was thinking of how inevitable it would be for me to grow
distant from my wife. And if she started having sex with our son
that would put me in an even more awkward situation. I would not
stop it from occurring though.
And why wouldn't I?
The world may never know.
But I will know, and snicker behind your back clutching my secret
in cold, bony hands.

DEATH: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

Janzon, Katidid, Colleen, Fulkerson, and Juan Danwar, all went to
the museum yesterday, but that's not what I wanted to tell you.
I was walking along next to John and I was thinking about the time
I got run over by a car. All I remember was beginning to cross the
street because my parents were already on the other side, far away
from me. My mother turned back as I crossed the street and yelled,
"No! Stop!"
I don't remember being hit. I just don't remember anything after
that. I do remember waking up in the doctor's office right as I
got a shot, which sucked. The next thing I remember was waking up
holding a bag of ice on my head.
I've often taken that fact for granted. Many a time over the years
I've told this story and I've always mentioned that, because it was
strange. I woke up HOLDING a bag of ice on my head. How exactly
does a child hold a bag of ice on his head when he's unconscious?
And why were my parents looking at me funny? Shouldn't my dad have
been looking at the road? We were in a car after all.
Well, I decided then and there on the sidewalk somewhere in the
city, next to John D., that I had in fact been conscious for a
while and had not noticed it. That's why I was holding a bag of
ice on my head when I woke up. I hadn't really woken up. I had
been awake, I just don't remember it. This creeped me out and I
suddenly felt as if I were floating. I thought, "Am I going to
leave my body now?"
I didn't, but I stopped dead in my tracks and gasped a little.
There beside a tree was a dead squirrel lying on its side. John
stopped also. For some reason, the squirrel was something important
and I was glad I wasn't alone. The others were already walking off.
It seemed they had been walking for a second, but when I looked
up, they were far away.
I nudged the squirrel with my foot. It was stiff as a board.
I told John to nudge it and he did. It was strange. I was glad
he was there.
When I looked up again, everyone else had crossed the street. As
John and I began to cross,  Kati turned around and looked at us
for a moment.
And that moment is still clear in my mind the way a dream is
clear after you've woken up. It is frozen in time.

UCBCOMING ALBUM

Hey, guys! Just stopped by to tell you that I've been working on
my latest album, and it's coming along great. I'm pretty much done
with it. I just have to fine-tune it some. Edit and shit. But the
album (I hope) will be out by the first week in February. It will
be called, "Our Winter," the only name I could really use to tie
all of the songs together. They go everywhere, pretty much. For
those of you interested in hearing it, let me know so I can make
you a copy!

PRAYING IT ALL COMES TOGETHER YOURS,

Nous