Hurt

I sat in class staring out the window. I was trying to spare myself the
harsh snow of reality. And I want to kill myself.

I could see people walking by the school enraptured in the slow dawn of
autumn. Leaves adorned the ground and sailed through the air, some
crunching beneath the feet of children in the slight dew leftover from
the previous night. If the world had come to an end right then and there,
I would have been quite pleased with the timing. But I knew it wouldn't.
So I closed my eyes and pretended that the world would always be and had
always been that perfect.

Dropping off to sleep, I found myself outside on the fallen leaves against
a tree in the coolness of autumn's breath. And leaning against me was
someone. I didn't care to ask myself who it was. Anyone would have done
nicely. I had had enough of loneliness. I listened to the soft scraping
of leaves on the ground and the humming breeze in my ears. And,
somewhere in the distance, a horrible ringing.

Opening my eyes, I was back inside with the others, dissatisfied and unhappy.
I had returned to the world that grins behind your back and
cries when you turn around to face it.

But that's just me. Some people get to see the world laugh and they can
join in. I'd give anything to be in love.

School was a long way behind me now, so I turned around, closed one eye,
and raised my hand, putting my index finger and thumb together as if
pinching the far-off building that held me prisoner day after day. I
stared at the school between my fingers and pressed them together. I
quickly turned around and took off towards my house.

Autumn made my room dark.
I stared at my keyboard knowing I had homework. I knew in my head that
there were more important things than homework, but why was I unable
to put it into words? I couldn't, so I sat there thinking of how that
night I would try to go to sleep but would only lie there listening to
myself breathing thinking of how annoying it was and how silly it was to
sleep. But I secretly knew that it was the only chance I had to escape
myself. I would sometimes lie there in horror imagining the same thing
every night. I would imagine a giant man walking into my room with his
freakishly long, thin legs and unusually large forearms. He would then
lean over really far and just stare at the back of my head, waiting, just
waiting for me to turn around. Then he would have me! I dont know why
he would have me then, but it made sense to me. Who's to know the rules
of giant men? Perhaps that's what they do, wait for you to look them
in the eyes.

No one knows why they go on, really. It's something I have to believe in
order to go on. So I stare out of my thoughts and towards the front of
the class, hoping that I'm not the only one who doesnt care, who doesnt
know, who doesnt feel. And in my head, i sing, "The alarm clock's going
off. But I'm not waking up. This isn't happening happening happening..."