By Nous August 29, 2004 IT GETS STRANGER Summer vacation is over. What did it all mean? Yeah, I know. It's a really cliche way to start a rant (or anything, for that matter, but just stay with me). To question the things that happen is what Nous is all about. To ask 'why,' to attempt to figure out the reason for the directions life takes. Most people, I suppose, would say that there is no reason. The problem is that I can't help wondering. It's the way my mind works. Incidentally, the things that annoy us and the things that we don't mind are what make us individuals. Did you know that? I did not. Through that reasoning, the assumptions we make and the questions we ask are what make us unique. Right? Doesn't matter. The point is I wonder why life sends me where it sends me. And often I come out of that actually having an answer that makes some sense. I mean, it's all sort of a loose thinking. It's just one big theory when it comes down to it, but so is anything else I think. It's all assumptions. One night, I was at Jason's house, and he was very tired. So I just stayed the night. The following morning, what happened? Well, that, you should think, is obvious. You both woke up, you say. I guess some people would overlook that. But like I said, I can't help but be shaken by that little stuff. Anyway, Jason and I woke up, and we just stared at each other. It was a very strange way to start the day. And soon after we had both woken up, Jason's mom told us that she had had a dream that night that I, Nous, had spent the night at Jason's house (although, in the dream, I had been wearing a black shirt, which I wasn't. Still a weird thing itself, though). The question to ask at this point, I would think, is this: should you focus on the dream itself, or the fact that she told us the dream? If you focus on the dream, you would probably assume that Jason's mom just sensed that I was spending the night at her house by some sixth sense. Or perhaps she was just straight up psychic. Something like that. But what interested me was that she had told us the dream. It seemed to me to indicate that my spending the night was a sign of some sort. I don't know if I can elaborate on my use of the word "sign." I mean it as a sort of "marker." Like, "This is the beginning of something." Anyway, Jason took me home before going to work, and that ended that, right? Well, actually, later on, Jason called me while I was asleep at home. My mother handed me the phone after stirring me from my sleep. But the question, then, is this: Did my mother or Jason awaken me? Once again, I cannot help but take the mystic's side and say that it was Jason who woke me. I say "mystic" because to say that Jason woke me is to imply that there was a purpose behind his calling me. I mean to say a purpose outside of something like, "Oh, I think I'll call Nous." What should you be getting from all of this? That the night that I spent the night at Jason's house was the beginning of something. I shared that feeling with Jason later on the day he called, when I was at his house. We were out in his backyard and I said, "We're supposed to do some- thing." Now, perhaps I've told you of my inability to say what I mean. Here it is probably important to note that english is actually not my first language, which is remarkable to me, because it seems as if I've been speaking it forever. Regardless, I feel that I have a foreigner's grasp of the language when it comes to conveying some of the things I convey in these rants. There is restraint in my speech. There is awkwardness. Silence fills my sentences. But, yes, now you know that, if you didn't before. So I told Jason that I felt we were supposed to be doing something. Actually, as soon as we had woken up that morning, I had spewed out awkward speech, telling him that "today is a day that we're supposed to do stuff." Jason then put that another way. "Maybe today is the start of a period of time when we'll be doing stuff," or something like that. Now I see that that was the point. I don't feel I've done anything my whole life. I've been a casual observer. Soon after that day, Jason and I started talking about things we could do. Stuff that would just be rather easy. Something to start us out. If anything, we've gotten the ball rolling. But as always, I feel incapable of action. But I must admit, I feel like I'm gaining strength. WHAT ABOUT THE STORY? But then what does the whole Sloth versus John thing mean? No, I don't mean the the website, lofl. I mean, in reality. Why are John and Sloth no longer on speaking terms? Or Sloth and Folds? What is the purpose of that? Remember The Story? Almost no one does, because I've told practically no one. So for anyone who doesn't know, a lot of this is going to sound foreign. You may skip it LOGL. Sloth was supposed to meet Scar. Was that John? If so, how did John help Sloth, as he was supposed to? Was John even Scar at all? Maybe it has yet to happen and John was never supposed to fit into the picture. If that is true, it might explain why Sloth now doesn't like John. Sloth has his reasons for not talking to John, but I'm thinking 'Large Scale.' Think 'predestination.' But regardless of what the John thing means, one thing is obvious. Either it's going to play out the way it will play out. That is an obvious thing to say, which is what I said it would be. There is an implication in that statement, though: there is possibly a new story forming. Before, it seemed like Sloth and I were on one track. Then it was Sloth, John, and I. Then, it was as if John and Sloth and Jason were all together and I was on my own. Then it was the four of us. Gradually, it moved towards Sloth, John, and I all branching out, embarking on separate journeys and beginning new stories. I don't mean that to say that we're all separating, because we're all basically in the same place. I mean, it's true I haven't hung out with Sloth in a while because I hang out with Jason a lot. If Sloth didn't mind Jason, we'd hang out a whole lot more, the same way that I still hang out with John (every now and then) because he has nothing against Jason. But even that's beside the point because we're all in new stories. It's all sort of been like a new beginning. Something is happening. I'm reminded of Final Destination, where Devon Sawa or whatever figures out Death's design. And because of this, Death creates a different path for the same events to take place. Lol at Nous and his megalomania. Because the implication is that I've discovered Life's design. I know that's not the case, but I'm trying to convey the feeling that Final Destination created. The new beginning and the importance of each event. Whatever that means. LEFT IN THE DUST I still feel like everything is fluctuating. But have I ever felt it as strongly as now? I can't be sure, but I would say no. Is this a matter of taking sides? This isn't war, but it's something almost as violent. Take that as you will. I know I'm not the most astute mind or ... god damn it. How would you describe those people? They are able to form ideas well. Yeah, them. I'm not terribly interesting or very smart. So what am I? What have I to offer to these polarized people? One thing I've not been able to come up with an answer for is why I am here. I feel like I'm just a foreigner. I don't speak the language and I don't know the culture. So what do I do? I just try to listen to the music and try to watch the movies and see if I can fit in well enough so that I'm not completely ostracized. I try to pick up the habits. You're all living in Texas, but I'm living in Tokyo. IT'S SAD TO BE A NOUSY I wish I was in love. I have this recurring fantasy where I meet a girl who has been following me around, though I haven't noticed. And because she sees me in my most unguarded moments, she knows me. She really understands who I am. I have no need to be secretive or restrained around her. So, yeah, she approaches me and tells me all of this, and I'm just so shocked and flattered. But that's where it always ends. It can't go anywhere from there. I mean, it would just be a disappointment. That's how fantasies are. But what really gets me about this is that I'm actually thinking about this shit. Like I daydream about that. And it just seems so fucking trivial and stupid. I mean, it isn't even the love part. It's that I just need some companionship from someone who won't think I'm "being weird" and who will laugh at the stupid shit that I say. The only reason that I think of that companion as a girl is that I might as well be able to make out with them or something. FAREWELL AND GOODNIGHT I have a bleak vision of the future. I mean my future. The future of the world could go on merrily, but my future will always look bleak because I'm the worst person who ever lived. Not really, but I'm pretty fucking horrible. Just today, I was thinking how I wished I had an Asian girlfriend so that I could pay some big black guy to fuck her. I would videotape it, of course. I have those weird fascinations. My whole life is about things that are, but are not, as Jason put it. And that's why I'll always be afraid. And that's why I'll always be lonely. And that's why I'll always be sad and angry. And that's why I'll always be apathetic about the future, bleak as it may be. It all goes back to what a horrible person I am. I guess if you're going to be great, you have to be lonely. I know, I'm not great, you don't have to say it. I'll say it for you. But maybe that thought will get me through the night.